However long the night, the dawn will break.
today is like any other day here, its cold and Iam expieriencing S.A.D. right now. I have to escape this place, need a change of scenery fo real. Talk to my mother and she got it rite this time , about sabatoge. This how I operated in the not so distance past any time I felt like I could fall in love or my feeling were getting deep I would cut off a relationship with someone. Not a good habit, so Iam trying very concertedly to� change this. It is quiet around here, kids are at school despite our weather being in the single digits. My sister was/is supposed 2 show up and help me do some domestic stuff. Appears she is a no show, then again I should not be suprised.
Trying to keep my mind off of "him", attempted to write a poem but cant find it. Thought I saved it in my email as a draft its not there. Have to start from memory all over again. Going 2 take a power nap I need it.
the day didnt start off so well, we had a disagreement, it was nasty! I cursed him out several times.. I apologized but still feel bad and this transpired this morning its 2 in the afternoon. He hurt me and vice versa Im sure. He said during out heated argument dont ever call me again, which is my worst fear. That is what really hurt me most, the idea of him� not being a part of me..� I dont want to start crying� so Iam going to stop talking about "him". I went to the doctor if that's what you want to� call it, had� a check up done and found out that the pain I have is caused by I have to take a breather.... the pain in my stomach is caused by cyst that are on my cervix. I recall a couple years agao b4 i had dj my doctor wanted me to go through with a procedure but I refused. Now I wish I would've.
I must get my mind right and focus on�something other than him. this kids are doing what they do best especially daniel! He is getting on my fucking nerves and Isaiah should be getting ready for his apt with jenny. I need to get daniel back on his meds for real, cause there are times like now that I want to break his damn neck. Tomorrow I have anger management, and bet she will be diggin in my biz. Her life must be really dull compared to mine, havent attempted to complete the home she gave out. Will get @ it later much later! I recognize where all my feelings of bitterness derive. dont need her to tell me this, all I need is direction on how to act out my anger without causing any more harm to myself or others. After a conversation with "him" about� what took place in my childhood I was restless. As well as afraid, I regressed and became that child again. I feared that "mattie" would hear me reveal what she had done and retaliate. I was physically ill and shaken just by speaking about the incident. I had to repeatedly tell myself that� "Iam safe and Iam not that child anymore. " I pulled the covers over my head as if shielding myself from the harm she caused me. This is crazy, I admit, but hey whatever gets me through the night.
Feeling like hmm idk, cant describe it so many emotions going on right now. I feel sad, hopeless, ugly. scared�depressed.... and alot of anxiety. I want what I want when I want and presently I want "him" The distance is becoming a fucking headache, I need to feel him, to hear "him" breathe see his facial expressions. Something has to give, cant do this much longer I wont. I cant sleep @� night . Most nights I cry�or toss and turn myself to sleep. When I conjured thoughts of my ideal he is it but our current situation is all jacked up. How can I say to him with out appearing all clingy that I need you now! "Right now, I need� you to be here with me, I feel� fragmented, incomplete." I wish I had the courage to say this to him and much more like "please be faithful and committed only to me". Im getting choked up right now, thinking of how much I miss "him," trying to stay strong and not break down Iam on the edge of tears. Why did I do this to myself? I did say never again.... but look @ me now. Am I a fool for allowing myself to love this hard this deep.... for craving him like I do with every fiber of my being!
Today is a new day, anxiously waiting for the future will bring us. Not much is going on today same ol same ol. That may sound like nothing but it is alot, being a single eparent is the hardest job I have ever had. Whenever he asks what Iam doing I always respond either same ol' or nothing really. I just dont want to bore him with the details of my monotonous existence.� Although he says me talking about me is exciting� I dont think he wants details. Perhaps he believes Iam home doing nothing, oh well� let him draw any conclusions he chooses. Most days are spent cleaning, making phone calls setting / rescheduling appointment, talking to teachers, figuring out what will be for dinner, laundry (lots of it), paying bills figuring out� how to� not get in�a slump, cooking dinner, grocery shopping, making snacks.� Doing x.e's hair or getting her more stuff for her hair like beads, pony tails, searching the internet for better hair product and new styles, scrubbing walls, re arranging her room, trying to decipher how to get more hours out of my already hetic day. I spend very little time on myself, my life seems to consist of taking care of other people and their need usually take priority over mine.
Huh just recalling all things my day consist of makes me tired! Back to "him" we had a disagreement recently, he assumed I wasnt enthused about marrying him. This isnt true, I dont approach the subject because he always blows me off. Iam nervously excited� about spending the rest of my life with him. In some instances he is very infantile, I told him my friend was was paying me a visit.� I also told him during this time I prefer not to be touched. He concured then asked if he could sleep on the couch like I have the fuckin plauge. Having your period is not contagious, he is so damn ignorant! I just wanted to say grow the fuck up will ya!� He distanced himself from me yesterday, he seems to� think all women react the same way. I dont have mood swings during this time, I dont bleed for days on end, I dont� have pms at all with the exclusion of Putting up with Men Shit!
Ok talked to "him" for awhile on and off today. My mind began driftin into dangerous waters, could've drown myself in the freaky thoughts going on n my head. We are getting more frank about our feelings for each other. Especially him, he told me last night that he wanted to make love me, then during our texting he revealed intimate fantasies about us, in addition to the fact that he has a romantic side. Never would have guessed it, thought he was too jesus/holy� also too rigid. Oh how wrong� I was was:)
�I had to abruptly shut the computer down..I want him so bad it disturbs my sleep. Last night without prompting he stated he wanted to make love to me, also that 75% of a relationship is sexual. Not a problem for me, at all. Yesterday was the first time he ever revealed any sexual attraction towards me, shocked yes! He is unpredictable which is quite refreshing!
Occasionally I question whether Iam deserving or enough for him. He is cognizant of this insecurity I possess, however I dont� make it obvious or anything.� I cant wait to start our/ my life with him. He has real expectations as do I. There is no such� thing as an ideal relationship, yet I would like to get as close as possible.
Its almost time for the kids to go to bed, cant wait for some peace and quiet. Or chatting on the phone with him, snoring but trying to convince me otherwise.
That's how� I'd describe my paternal father, he is insensitive and selfish that is putting it midly. It took alot for me not to curse his old ass out.� How dare he come to my without� any gifts for his grandkids, but want me to wrap some gifts he bought for somone else's children. Regardless of the fact that my children have plenty of material things,� I cant see his logic. He has always done me and his other children this way, going the extra mile for others while his family does� without. Maybe I shouldnt expect anything different, after all past behaviors are indicative of the future. When my sister came to the door� I informed here he was here, she got back in her car and drove off.
I chatted with "him" briefly" via text, he also called me,apologizing for not giving me "phone time". I was being neglected by him, what took him so long to see it? Huh men I tell ya. Often times I cant read "him" left guessing what is on his my mind dont like this. I would prefer he told me was forward with me. Trying to occupy my time with whatever distraction is useful. not working out to well/. He has alot of idosyncracies, that may provide a challeng for me. I have a list of his peculiar behaviors, I should put them on paper. Everything he consumes is� done so with a fork,� (even ice cream) his clothes must be folded immediately� after� coming out the dryer,� no sleeping or lounging on the furniture, all clothes must ironed in a room (not on the floor), all music must be confined to the bedroom on low, no food in the fridge with foil on it, dont reheat his food in the microwave, no dishes left in the sink over night, dont use the dishwasher, hair products ,curling irons in the bathroom only, no food of any kind in the bedroom, no trash in the house, Im sure there is more to come. He is very rigid in some of his views, ridiculous� I would say
My father is full of shit, he always want� something for nothing. I aksed him weeks ago to plow during the blizzard. You think he did it hell no! Now he wants me to look up shit on the internet, calling me incessantly. Like its a true emergency. some days I hate his ass, now being one of them. Spoke to "him", he doesnt call as much and when he does� he aint saying a damn thing. Most of the time he allegedly drops the call. I aint stupid, I have no clue� wha is going on with him. All� I gather from our very brief conversations that he is just too busy for me. I am contemplating if marrying will be the same way. Will i be left to my own devices, ignored what. He says he want to start 12 churches. He is complaining about lack of rest now,what is he thinking or is he thinking. I feel shoved to the side, as if Im unimportant, I dont expect him to�satiate my every need but damn can a sista get some time in? I guess this is what I get for falling for a jesus freak huh? Its all right to love the lord but brotha man is a bit extreme! One of �things I have noticed about him is that he tries to control a sitution. When I told him I was going to sleep via text, he act like he didnt comprehend. He wants me to give him my undivided attention when he wants it. I dont pump like that, which he will soon find out. Damn this phone, keeps ringing off the hook.�Its walt talking� about me he misses me. Aint shit going down he had his chance that shit� is a wrap!� I aint fucking with him after things went down� the way the did. Never again not in this lifetime or the next! I mean I will be cordial and that is it. Im not looking back nor am i going back. Pressing forward, this is a new year and I have� new mindest. Which is not to settle for less than Iam worth or let people walk on me. Nope not going there!
Oh yeah how did I forget the other day, Eli came by to do me a favor exodus answered the door so he left. He is an ass, he just wanted to� be in my face its irrelevant who answers the door. Why cant he do what I asked him to do it was and is a simple task. He can only dream about fucking me cause it will never happen! What he thought was he could corner me by the door and try to feel me up, nope! He called later that day� trippin so I got loud, ghetto beligerent whatever word� fits and cursed his ass out! I told him fuck you and dont speak to my like Im your kid cause I aint bitch! And a host of other expletives came out of my mouth of course. He is a such a hater, he needs to line up with all the rest. He gone have to pick his jaw off the damn ground when I get married, he has told me time and time again� I wont. Now I feel like I have a point to prove. That� I can have a succesfull marriage, to someone who is like minded and wont try to make me over. I can wait til he meets "him". He wish he was half the man� "he" is, Eli dont even come close.
Spoke to him, this morning, wasnt himself. Seemed a bit�sullen �asked was it me, he said no, he didnt want to expound so� I backed off. However I would like to� be aware of whatever is going on with him, after all this is how he is with me. If he thinks something is off kilter with me, he will keep digging til� he finds the source of my agitation. I didnt pry any further, he didnt want to share,whatever. Guess when he's ready he will talk about it.
�We briefly� talked about our upcoming event, were ready. Iam feel a bit nervous, This can be likened to free falling with out��the�safety of a parachute . Hope this doesnt hurt too bad, I expect a few bumps and bruises :but a fractured heart is unacceptable. It would take to long to recover. Have decided not to text him, dont want to smother him. I understand he is a man with many chores.
He is the man I dreamnt about prayed about cried about. I was in the lowest place in my life when he came along. I was exiting a deep pit of sadness, coupled with sucidal ideations. It wasnt too long ago that� I was laying on the couch contemplating checking out. Crying questioning God why.... why so much hurt, lonliness, emptiness. I didnt think I could go on another day, I was slowly yielding to a somber demise by my own hands. Then out of nowhere he found me, called me revived�/ pumped� hope into my necrotic�heart.�� Taking a nostalgic look on this past year� and the events that occured says that Iam a survivor! I made it!
�I wont be going to church as planned, my sister was going to watch my kids while I went but she got pissed off. Her son tried to hump on my daughter her kids are just plain fucking nasty, I told x.e. not to ever be alone with them they always try this shit. It makes me� feel very uncomfortable to know my� neice are nephews got issues like this. I beat x.e. I told her to tell an adult but she rarely does why i dont know. she better not ever let me catch her alone with anyone especially them. So ruth beat her son not that it mattered, then left to get on the bus. It is sad� that I�have to watch every move her children make. They have no respect at all for anyone else's property, their whole motivation is to break my kids shit up. I guess they feel that they dont have anything so why should anyone else. Not that my kids have it made they dont� have alot, yet I insists they take care of the material things they possess. Her kids kick her, push her when they dont get their way, if it goes to the extreme I will address it. They arent my kids so what the fuck ya know. Dj is still up begging for shit , he wants to wait til it is bed time to tell me he is starving but aint going for that mess tonight. Contemplated going to church tonight but,� cant/dont trust daniel alone� for� sixty seconds. He is always trying to weasel his way out of his chores Iam not going to let him manipulate me!� I just want to be alone with the phone, takling to my man. He made me smile earlier as we chatted while he� had a few mintues before his service started. I told him if I was going to� church I need to put some make up on, his reply was that I was�beautiful and� didnt need any enhancement. (my sister and her terrible 2 r back she claims I gave her the wrong� bus schedule information, well she just called a cab which stated they will be here in 10 to 15 minutes. I pray to God they hurry up� and leave, I need my space right now fo real). Pardon me for digressing,� back to what was on my mind. Looking forward to conversing with my man til one or both of us fall asleep. It is the next best thing to� being with him. There are some days when I want� him so bad omg!� Closeness is what I need ,would like to hear him snoring in my ear, or� watch him as he falls off to sleep with me laying nearby.� For now a phone call a� text will hav to suffice.
Betcha he is going to be tired when he comes from the service.�Kind of worried about things that have� yet to come, like the time away from home he will be spending. Maybe this is god's way of preparing me, sometimes I cry silently because I long for him. He is not cognizant of this and prefer to keep it that way. Dont want him to feel like he has to choose, or that I am needy or cant handle the situation.��Tthe fact that he travels� alone, (sleeping in hotels)extensivley makes me uneasy.� Those holy whores whom god is in� constant commune with�probably be on him like flies on shit! I�am going to adapt a tough skin ,I must� as well as�pray fervently that god continues to be the glue/substance that keeps us faithful to each other. This is about all one can do given the circumstances.
�Damn is all� I can say, Cant get enough of him sure the feeling is reciprocal.� It is� hard to be this so far away from him. When that date in january comes I m going to feel such relief. We havent discussed future plans but I plan to leave all of this behind and dont look back! The only thing I will be taking is our clothes. I have a funny feeling that he is going to suprise me in some way when� I get there. Yesterday I got my birth certificate and today Iam going to dmv� to get my picture id. I need to wash clothes so we can have something clean to wear.� I thought he was broke but I found the antihesis to be true, he never brags. yet� hes is doing well for himself, I gather he didnt tell me about� his financial status because he want to be assured that I wasnt after money. I am not� concerned about his income, because I am going to have my own. I talked to him about my� plan to write a book, he is very business minded as well as smart. Quite suprising, to know he is knowledgeable about many different topics. I dont ever want to be anywhere else than with him, by his side in his bed in his head especially. Iam going to write the book and it wont be my only one he is going to help my dreams become a vibrant reality. He worries about the fact that I feel unworthy, he should be concerned. This is how I feel I asked him what did I do to deserve this, cant remember what verbatim he said but it was good.
We talk about everything, no holds barred what I like most is his openess and his unbiased nature. Looking forward to�starting college. Iam going to look on the internet for a ghost writer. He said something to me in regards to why I have been able to start my book LTHB that makes sense. I cant or write about something I have yet to experience.
Thanks to Dj I�couldnt �get the I.D. I need to get married. I have two choices either get another one or find out what he did with my i.d. I have searched the house and cant find it, yesterday I got the b.certificate with the raised seal so� that is fine. I must have the picture id before the 23of january which I will because I will make it happen believe me. Well I have the rent money so Iam very happy about that now I just need to figure out how Iam going to pay my phone bill. God will work it out for both of us financially and otherwise. There will be changes in 2009, my kids are in for a shock I am going to be on them like flies on shit ! Every move they make Iam going to breathing down their necks, they lack discipline I dont blame anyone but myself for this. Daniel is in for a rude awakening. We talked late into the night cant recall who fell asleep first usally its him, yet I think it was me this time. Oh yeah got my glasses today too, its gonna take some getting use to that is for sure. Not really my style but hey at leats I can see lol.
Were getting better aquainted with each other as the days turn into weeks. He is quite comfortable asking personal questions it seems. Yesterday he asked how often did I masturbate and I replied "not enough". Im sure my boldness was a suprise . I� am opening up to him, and learning to trust him. Iam concerend about our intial meeting, will he be the same person will I be the same person. will there be strange silence that we both try to fill with innate words ? Not sure what to expect., feeling a little nervous/ anxious. He is so unique, from his humor to his views about life� as a christian. He is very open minded� this is a plus. Which is something I shared with Eli I also told him he didnt mind me wearing jeans or being abstract. He found this� revelation hard to accept, in addition to the fact that he isnt trying to sex me. It obvious he isnt receptive to me dating anyone with out his approval which I dont need.� Eli many references to my "good pussy" is a turn off, Iam not my vagina. All these years and he still manages to objectify me.� It is as if he lurking around the corner of my� new life praying that it will come unglued so he can say "I told you so". He got kinda sour the other week when I told him that i would not be coming to his home late at night to "chill". He cant fuck so that is not the issue,� however his lack of respect for the word NO is . Ruth says I should stop talking to Eli she is right, he does not have my best interest at heart, he� ulterior motive is to get fucked not happening. Sexually he repulses me, he dick is smaller than my thumb and b4 I can count to 20 its over.
�Enough about Eli, my "man" is in church 2night being about God's biz.� A man that loves god and me is ideal. If he never alters his personality it would be cool with me. Im cogitating� running into his arms when� I see him, it is going to take alot of restraint on my part to play it cool.
�
We got into a nasty fight over the phone last night. It all started with personal questions and ended with me questioning why ? And whether I should make a speedy exodus. I� believe that us being going away together alone is� dangerous! I tried to� explain prior that one Iam a rape survivor and 2 dont want to be put in a put position that Iam not in control.�� I� refuse to put either of us in a� vulnerable situation. I was getting the impression he was like the rest�,pursuing sex so I asked him directly. Of course he was pissed, I went the passive agressive route. But I was seething with rage. I cried, hoping he didnt hear me but sure he did. He hurt me deeply,. damn!� We ended the conversation abruptly solving nothing at all. Didnt sleep good last night, hate going to sleep with unresolved issues. The phone rang, (early� this morning) answered�and it was him. We talked ,he apologized for being tacky and bruising me.� I dont like conflict, considered walking away without a backward glance. But I cant keep doing that, it is unhealthy to run from myself. Iam proud of myself for not going off and saying things I would regret later. He shocked me this morning when he said that he loves me, (not falling in love with me), he wants me and needs us in his life. We've agreed to disagree versus letting things�simmer.
Earlier yesterday� before shit hit the fan I communicated to him that I am appreciative to have encountered him even though it was in an unlikley place (church).unbeknownst to me he came to look for me,�after service�but I was long gone�.� He revealed that when he first laid eyes on me� that he too felt a connection. This is good because it lets me know that Iam not crazy. It wasnt love on sight yet something�we cant characterize.�Actually what he said was when he saw me he� thought � (to himself)he wanted to spend a lifetime, energies and resources with that woman.� Im so thankful he found me and didnt approach with the usual crap ministers beat me over the head with; god showed me your my wife.
I love him but love god more and will not� doing anything contrary, pleased with the stance�I took.there's nothing to regret.. Were clearly attracted to each other, he told me he fell asleep talking to me but holding his pillow wishing it was me. That is so touching! Have had many thoughts of laying in his arms with my head on his bare chest.
Iam missing him right now and no one else will satiate me. Not even GQ perfect Darien. He is having service� tonight, what a way to spend a holiday. As for me I will be with the kids. I so want things to work btwn us, but Iam afraid to even hope. For fear .... I spoke to my mother� concering him, why did I do that ?grave mistake on my part. Just when I reckon she can find no fault or anything negative to say she does. Never fails! It seems that she doesnt want me to be happy. For this reason I limit what I share with her. I resent her to this day for her attitude. Must move on from this, gotta pick myself up, forgive and just let go(d.) Chatting with him via text message simultaneously.� He said he wanted me to share his last name, is that a proposal sounds like.� Guess he is romantic, its the eve of christmas. Still chatting with him and listening to my daughter prophecy he is her step dad. She is climbing all over me on my shoulders doing a "silliy dance" Must stop typing too much going on between my baby and him� texting me I am distracted..
I wish daymon� and Eli would understand that although Iam kind to them, I am not interested in them. Daymon� called me the other day saying he was stranded and could I wire him some money. What the fuck was he thinking? He is always asking me to do something for him. And Eli has to be told constantly, that Iam not going to be chilling in his bed. Every other week he claims he wants to marry me, it is a game I refuse to participate in. His dick is wee small. He is the one who told me a man would'nt �find me� desirable as a wife because I refuse to be responsible for their happiness. In addittion to the fact that I dont want to be suffocated by their prescence. But oh so wrong he is and have proof. Havent told him about .....� he'd try sour my hopes by saying something negative. Like he isnt in love with me it is just sex. When I do get married again, I want to invite Daymon Eli, curtis and a host of others who wounded me a front row seat to my wedding. So they can all see that loving me is possible. Not because I said so but because God has said it is.
I truly sense a longing for him, God please let me be right about this one. I dont want to be disappointed. He's ignorant to the fact that I will do anything to create a healthy loving environment.� As long as his request are reasonable, accommodating them� arent an issue.� I look forward to being his wife, confidant, lover also so much more. We pretty much have an understanding about expectations. He made it� transparent what kind of wife he wants. My only concerns is the time he allocates to ministry leaves me vying for his attention. Selfish? yep!
We may have some problems with communication but other than that its all good. Wish were closer, probably best we arent though. Going to take things extra slow, no misteps this time around. We have so much in common, cant fathom how I fell for a jesus freak. My affections are reserved for him alone.� Slowly the walls that prevented me from experiencing�happiness �are coming down. I am allowing him� to see into me.This a reference to the hidden part of me, no more holding back. To an extent I trust him. I keep hearing him say to me "beth I love you"..... smacked myself thought I was still sleep.� He wouldnt repeat the statement, its all good though.
Maybe Iam� unloveable, could it be that I my deep fear is my reality? Maybe I require too much maybe my standards are too high. Maybe I should submit and lower my standards. Why should I be expected to give in. I hate playing stupid but I understand that men expect this from me. For all I while I will play along but am quickly bored with the back and forth. Men always want to find themselves in my home alone with me. This isnt going to happen, ever. I dont ever again want to put myself into a predicament to be raped and then told it is my fault and oh I deserve it. It is deeply embedded in my brain that I deserve to be treated poorly, to be be walked over and stomped on. Sometimes I question whether Iam a person or just an object to be treated like trash. I hope for very little, that way I wont be disappointed if shit goes down hill. Met someone he seems nice and normal then again you never know. They all appear sane in the begining. I have to constantly tell myself that he isnt my past and should not pay for another man's errors. Sometimes he makes me laugh other times his thoughtfullness makes me cry. It hard to grow accustom to someone who actually wants to hear what is on my mind. Dont know where this is going or if it will last. Guess I should not project anything just wait and see. Want to believe he is different and will allow me to reveal myself to him. Ultimately I want to be comfortable enough to let my guard down and be vunerable. It is a job for me to hold back what Iam thinking, what Iam feeling for fear of rejection or something worse. someone is standing close enough to read this so I must stop typing.
Today I� want to really hurt my son daniel he really irks my nerves. I just want to fucking slap the shit out of his ass. I cant cope with, this bullshit. I just cant see myself going through life like this. I am going off the deep end, feeling like checking out. I� cant do this anymore,this is not the life I envisioned for myself. When if ever Iam going to find some freakin� release. My house is torn down, my daughter is driving my crazy with nonsense. Anger mangement is what I need right now I dont even know if that will cure what ails me. Too much shit to do� and not enough of me to go around. Daymon made it a point to take me and the kids to church, why I dont know.� Hope this isnt his way of trying to get close to me cause, I am not into him at all, we can chat on the phone but prefer not. Nothing there at all he blew his chance(s) with me. Perhaps it is best that I continue to do what I do. Talked� to darien recently damn he is so fine. But beyond that there is nothing there we have tried over the years to get something going on and nothing ever happens.
�I started crying ealier when I was talking to someone on the phone� I cant cope with my undisciplined kids and their bullshit. When they start talking about their fathers I want to scream they aint shit and dont want shit to do with you. I m supposed to make all the sacrifices, make it happen for them and then get treated like shit in the end. Every thing I do is never enough, my kids are like fucking leaches. Daniel just tried to play me, he has been cleaning since before I went to church and now he gone say that shit is clean. Well I just helped him out! Everything that was on the table is now on the floor . I will break his damn neck, Iam tired of dealing with him, he always be saying shit under his breath. I will choke his his high yellow ass out just to prove a point to him. He gone say last night his father dont call him a mother fucka, he right he doesnt. then again his father dont say shit, cause he dont give a damn about him. If he did then he pay his childsupport consistently. Iam not about to beg him to do a fuckin thing. I wont give him the satisfaction!
And my sister's kids are off the hinges and lazy as hell, they break my kids toys and dont give a damn. her daughter ripped my daughter's present open out of jealousy, then she through her hair beads on the floor out of shear jealousy. Isaiah is about to talk himself into a killing. He just keep talking that bullshit in my ear and Iam going to get up and set his ass ablaze.
Iam really considering checking the fuck out, perhaps while their in school. I regret having them almost daily. Right now I hate them. Hate them for simply breathing. Iam spent I have nothing left to give. When its time for them to come home from school, I am filled with dread and pissed. From now on Iam not going to hold back and then explode. Iam going to go crazy on their ass as soon as they get out of line.
That is how Iam feelin right now. Why did I meet someone so far away, whom I cant reach and at the moment clearly needs some space. I need something from him that he cant give me at the moment or ever. I am regretting gettin involved with him. for a number of reasons mostly the distance. I have so much shit on my mind. Iam bored need something to fill this empty hole. He cant do that for me. I wish I was dead. Seriously I wish I would die a painless death.� There� are no real friends to chat with or anywhere for me to go,� I feel like a prisoner of my own home. I wonder what I would be doing if he were here. Then I wonder if he will ever come, I dont mean to rescue me from boredom. I have decided not to call him anymore, he is always preoccupied. That says to me he doesnt want to be bothered and Iam not about to pursue him or any man. Iam going to keep myself busy doing stuff like living my dream once I find out what that is. Perhaps Iam reading him wrong but I doubt it. Iam sure the of the cues he is giving me. Maybe my mother was right, then there are the times that I feel that she is putting a whammy in the mix. Is there anyone out there for me? Anyone I can be myself with? Hope defered� makes the heart sick. I need to refocus myself, take the time out for Elizabeth and do whatever I want to do. I feel so unloved and so underserving and unworthy @t imes. Right now I�want to be selfish! Just consider me and me only, all my life I have taken care of others, but who takes care of me no one. I am never to show� fear, but be strong and confident� regardless of what may come. Iam a very insecure fragile person. I am moving on with my life, if love comes great and if it doesnt then I will have to re program myself to love� all of me. Sometimes I dont think anyone is able to or has the desire to love me. Either I push them away or it just goes to shit. For once can I have a healthy relationship that isnt lopsided? When is it ever ok to be myself? What is so wrong with me that I have to� metamorphosis into some one other than who Iam.
My kids I absolutley loathe at times, this is one of the decisions I regret. Not much I can do to change that now. They are like blood suckers, they want my life in blood, the very breath I breathe they want to consume. It is too much, most days I just want ot beat them into submission or sleep which ever comes first . Doesnt really matter to me.
I have to make the best of shit here, not sure how but got to do something different. come monday morning Iam going on the prowl for a job. This house and everything and everyone in it is driving me up the fucking wall.� I need to� release this pressure. I have no space or privacy. As soon as I go to the bathroom someone is pushing to door open, not even knocking. Which further perpetuates the idea that� I dont deserve to be respected. How can one such as myself be so educated/intelligent and feel� like an idiot.
This has nothing to do with�"kyle" or anyone else in my life I just feel stupid most days. And I tell myself often that Iam dumb and deserve the shit that happens. When bad shit happens I dont even try to stop it anymore. I� accept it. I just dont care anymore, about much of anything really. As far as him it is what it is. Im� off and running,, he is so accurate when he said I run from things. If he only knew that I have been doing this all my life. This is my coping mechanism, especially when it comes to conflict. That is how I resolve it, by simply running� or avoiding it all together. I hate arguing cause I know� the end result, a physcial confrontation, or something worse! And to be truthful I dont think he or anyone cares about how I feel anyway. No one really listens to me when I do speak out.� I've got to get a grip and let go of the dreams and hopes I had of having something meaningful with a man.. My thought is that doing so will� safeguard me from being hurt or disappointed. I know that sounds fucked up by that is how I� see it. It is not important what others say about me rather what I say about myself.� This is my life and my fucked up views. It is not "his" job or anyone to change shit for me.
I just got� off the phone with "kyle". Talked about my diary entry and other superficial shit.� I have to find something/someone to occupy my free time. I know I should be considering this upcoming semester but I dont even want to think about school or my faggot ass mentor. He is such a flamer, it makes my stomach hurt. Oh yeah, I spoke to daymon the other day, called him. Because he asked my sister about me. The first question out his mouth is who Iam sexin' of� course my answer was no one. That is none of his damn fucking business.�Although nothing ever went down with us, he claims he cant be around me cause he starts lusting after me. Like this is my fault, all I ever asked him to do was hold me that was it. I let him know that� Iam no longer interested in him and he� inquired why. Did not go into details but he�knows the answer. I told him I aint saved, churchy or holy enough for him. He dont eat pussy, toss salads or like oral sex performed on him. He thinks god wouldnt approve. He� once likened oral sex to sodomy, and I told him my pussy needs to be sodomized. He didnt find that comment funny at all. He� was supposed to pick me and�the kids up �yesterday to go to church with him but didnt show. Worked out great I didnt want to go, I dont like his church at all. and because of the ongoing competition with larry. He is missing out, not me I will never know what could've been� he beat me to the punch and sabotaged things before they even got started. He used to ask me was I gay, cause of my hair, he just had all these preconcieved notions about who I was and was suprised to find out I� wasnt who he determined I was.
On to another topic, the huggeth, which Isaiah called him to his face. He asked me what that meant lol. Yes he tried to hug me why I dont know, yuck. His dick is so tiny, 4real. I can always tell when he is dealing with a female he is so transparent. Not my problem. I got my own relationship to deal with meaning "kyle". I was on the phone with him when huggeth came to drop me off at mama's house. He seem irritated that I was on the phone. I dont really give a flying fuck about what he thinks, he wants to know whom Iam dating. None of his damn fucking business, I bet he jacks his dick and imagines� how I put on my man. He is just that type and Iam just the type to give him explicit (fake of course) details. I need to be close to "kyle" not sexually just close to him. He has said what he said so there is no need to inquire about how he feels about us. He's clearly� is disturbed by the idea that I would screw someone else. Hey he can have emotionless sex, but doesnt think I can master it. It is not me that is the� problem it is the man who I would choose. I am sure a brother dealing with me on that level would become clingy and deranged. It has happened�already.
Jerry has been calling me the past few day, I am avoiding him for no particual reason. He didnt do anything out of the norm dont want to be bothered that is all. I spoke to the� C.O.�last night. He is a very intuitive older man. He seems rather lonley, maybe his woman aint given him none. considering they arent on good terms. He appears to have his act together, he is humble and strong. A great combination. Anyway I need to de stress maybe take a bubble bath, put on some warm lotion and a t shirt with boy shorts. I should get @this book to keep my mind occupied. Perhaps it will help redirect my focus, which is currently on a lot of negative shit.
I forgot to add that I� got the Bianchi Bitch of my back and out of my life 4 good these last 4 years having been a living hell. Thankful it is over, never have to deal with them coming to my home opening up my fridge, delving into my personal affiars. Or questioning my kids on the low(or so they think), about what goes on here. No more ducking and dodging them ever again, I made a costly error. I paid for it with my ife. Literally I have learned my lesson, not a path I want to journey down again and have empathy for anyone who does. Damn I thank God it is over and I will never do that shit again. I mean never again.
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