Maybe Iam� unloveable, could it be that I my deep fear is my reality? Maybe I require too much maybe my standards are too high. Maybe I should submit and lower my standards. Why should I be expected to give in. I hate playing stupid but I understand that men expect this from me. For all I while I will play along but am quickly bored with the back and forth. Men always want to find themselves in my home alone with me. This isnt going to happen, ever. I dont ever again want to put myself into a predicament to be raped and then told it is my fault and oh I deserve it. It is deeply embedded in my brain that I deserve to be treated poorly, to be be walked over and stomped on. Sometimes I question whether Iam a person or just an object to be treated like trash. I hope for very little, that way I wont be disappointed if shit goes down hill. Met someone he seems nice and normal then again you never know. They all appear sane in the begining. I have to constantly tell myself that he isnt my past and should not pay for another man's errors. Sometimes he makes me laugh other times his thoughtfullness makes me cry. It hard to grow accustom to someone who actually wants to hear what is on my mind. Dont know where this is going or if it will last. Guess I should not project anything just wait and see. Want to believe he is different and will allow me to reveal myself to him. Ultimately I want to be comfortable enough to let my guard down and be vunerable. It is a job for me to hold back what Iam thinking, what Iam feeling for fear of rejection or something worse. someone is standing close enough to read this so I must stop typing.
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