Nodeadenz

My father� called and am unsure how we� got on the topic of my childhood. However I cursed his ass out, he had it coming and told my sister a couple weeks ago that�I was going to go off on him. I had been harboring ill�feelings for him for years. Once prior I had told him how I�really felt. But this time I just let it� all�go! I mean everything! From him locking the cabinents, to his wife�mistreating me by slamming me into a stereo and scarring me for life. He says why didnt��I make him aware of what was going on, my reply was because he didnt care. He asked how I�know this to be the case and my response was because he was too busy�running the�streets running up in other women and a lot of�other shit. I also told him that he fucked me and my life up. How by the way I�interact with�people and the relationship with men. I cant stand a man who masturbates, every time I�see a man do this I am reminded of the time I watched him doing the same thing. I have a fear of�starving which stems from him locking the cabinets, fridge and�kitchen. So to combat this I buy a surplus of food I mean an�insane amount, I dont�even eat it. I am comforted�by its existence. As far as relationships the idea of being�unworthy comes from him stems from him repeatedly calling me stupid, telling me�I aint worth shit. I learned�about relationships from him, he manipulated people, used his anger,�threats and words to get what he wanted and in some instances I�mimick his behavior.�I remember the time I was raped , the time he looked under my skirt, the time our home was raided, the time he made so many obscene phone calls we were prohibited from having a�phone in our home. I was so�embarrassed! Especially the time he followed behind me�with the blue and silver "bus" beeping the horn trying to holler at me, talking about hey little girl u want some candy. Trying to lure me into the van, his dumb ass didnt recognize I was his daughter! I tried to avoid�him and keep walking but he was incessant� in his cat calling. He made my life hell and has affected me as an adult. Ia always second� guessed, my worth and intelligence but no more!��I released my anger although he said I should hold on to it. He is fucking ass apathetic, sinister,neurotic sociopath. But I refused to be controlled by my�anger/rage for him. I told him that I love you out of sheer obligation because Iam forced to do so. I took�it a step further and told him that I forgive you and dont��know�why he treated me like he did�but I had to let go and go on. which is what I did let go�off all the hurt�feelings and bitterness that I�had been holding on for so long. After the conversation I talked to my�older sister,�who stated that when she told him how she felt� and relinquished her feelings she felt free as� i do. I suspect�there will be others�siblings�2 unleash there�pent up aggression on�him.�Its good to be free and know that I can move on and not have his bad rearing�affect my life and others!
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