Nodeadenz

That is how Iam feelin right now. Why did I meet someone so far away, whom I cant reach and at the moment clearly needs some space. I need something from him that he cant give me at the moment or ever. I am regretting gettin involved with him. for a number of reasons mostly the distance. I have so much shit on my mind. Iam bored need something to fill this empty hole. He cant do that for me. I wish I was dead. Seriously I wish I would die a painless death.� There� are no real friends to chat with or anywhere for me to go,� I feel like a prisoner of my own home. I wonder what I would be doing if he were here. Then I wonder if he will ever come, I dont mean to rescue me from boredom. I have decided not to call him anymore, he is always preoccupied. That says to me he doesnt want to be bothered and Iam not about to pursue him or any man. Iam going to keep myself busy doing stuff like living my dream once I find out what that is. Perhaps Iam reading him wrong but I doubt it. Iam sure the of the cues he is giving me. Maybe my mother was right, then there are the times that I feel that she is putting a whammy in the mix. Is there anyone out there for me? Anyone I can be myself with? Hope defered� makes the heart sick. I need to refocus myself, take the time out for Elizabeth and do whatever I want to do. I feel so unloved and so underserving and unworthy @t imes. Right now I�want to be selfish! Just consider me and me only, all my life I have taken care of others, but who takes care of me no one. I am never to show� fear, but be strong and confident� regardless of what may come. Iam a very insecure fragile person. I am moving on with my life, if love comes great and if it doesnt then I will have to re program myself to love� all of me. Sometimes I dont think anyone is able to or has the desire to love me. Either I push them away or it just goes to shit. For once can I have a healthy relationship that isnt lopsided? When is it ever ok to be myself? What is so wrong with me that I have to� metamorphosis into some one other than who Iam.

My kids I absolutley loathe at times, this is one of the decisions I regret. Not much I can do to change that now. They are like blood suckers, they want my life in blood, the very breath I breathe they want to consume. It is too much, most days I just want ot beat them into submission or sleep which ever comes first . Doesnt really matter to me.

I have to make the best of shit here, not sure how but got to do something different. come monday morning Iam going on the prowl for a job. This house and everything and everyone in it is driving me up the fucking wall.� I need to� release this pressure. I have no space or privacy. As soon as I go to the bathroom someone is pushing to door open, not even knocking. Which further perpetuates the idea that� I dont deserve to be respected. How can one such as myself be so educated/intelligent and feel� like an idiot.

This has nothing to do with�"kyle" or anyone else in my life I just feel stupid most days. And I tell myself often that Iam dumb and deserve the shit that happens. When bad shit happens I dont even try to stop it anymore. I� accept it. I just dont care anymore, about much of anything really. As far as him it is what it is. Im� off and running,, he is so accurate when he said I run from things. If he only knew that I have been doing this all my life. This is my coping mechanism, especially when it comes to conflict. That is how I resolve it, by simply running� or avoiding it all together. I hate arguing cause I know� the end result, a physcial confrontation, or something worse! And to be truthful I dont think he or anyone cares about how I feel anyway. No one really listens to me when I do speak out.� I've got to get a grip and let go of the dreams and hopes I had of having something meaningful with a man.. My thought is that doing so will� safeguard me from being hurt or disappointed. I know that sounds fucked up by that is how I� see it. It is not important what others say about me rather what I say about myself.� This is my life and my fucked up views. It is not "his" job or anyone to change shit for me.