Nodeadenz

That feeling of flying/free falling has come down. My feet are cemented into my old routine, again Iam depressed. I dont want to deal with my kids, I feel like I need a break from it all. Contemplating checking out......In the past few days� it seems like kyle and I have� or are drifting into nothingness. Is it because I told him what my mother said about him and I ? Probably that and after I talked to her i decided to cut him off. I still feel that she has some valid points, the distant between us is great, my children will have a hard time adjusting to him and the fact that I have unresolved issues with my other children. It is very kaotic round here, I dont fee l valued heard or respected. I wish there was someone who was here with me to help me out with the boys and just life in general. Sometimes I wonder is this a game for him, maybe he has someone there, while Im playing the fool waiting sincerley. I feel anxious and lonely. Not many people understand me. I regret having my children I often feel they are in my way and I cant breathe. I� feel like they are suffocating me, I have zero privacy, if Iam in the bathroom they are in there too. I just cant escape, well once I did when I went to visit kyle. And am considering� making an exodus to ny but not to seem him. I hate the life I have created. I wonder if I should have ever got involved with him on the strength� that I need someone who is supportive present and loving. I am doubting all that we discussed in the past. I have always had naggin doubts about his words. after all he is a thug. Why do I get myself into unhealthy shit, what is wrong with me, it� cant be that Iam needy. If I were I would have taken up with alot of men that are interested in me. Iam kicking myself for being so willing and stupid. Iam going to let things be as they are at this moment if he pursues� me great and if he doesnt then that is fine too. But in the interim I am going to do what I want to do and see whomever I so chose.That way in the end I will have very little regrets about the time I allocated. I know what everytime I talk with him now he so busy, not a problem I have a suprise for him. Either he will be conversing the answering machine or himself.� This scenario with his is all too familiar been here b4.

thats what iam doing right now and listening to eric benet sing my damn song. I love this song that last time i was singing it and the huggeth was sitting right where iam talking about sing baby sing it to me.� I guess he was suprised I could sing considering he says I dont sound like Iam�black. Iam giving him too much� air time huggeth that is. Kyle is what I want, he loves me and I love him too. He told me earlier that he loved me of� course he expected me to reciprocate but I didnt want to. I guess he needs to be reassured, which is normal. This is repetitve but damn Iam so happy with him I mean us. bout to play my song once more and chat with him at the same time.� Iam feeling so happy cant remember when I laughed or smile, I am not laying on the couch contemplating suicide or wondering why god allowed me to suffer so much. since I came back from ny I feel revived, I was so fragmented.� He is so nasty, the shit� that� he is saying right now is triple xrated. and I love it all.

When I went to the bus station to� visit "kyle", the huggeth dropped me off near the station. He was pissed off telling me how dare I ask him to take me to my boyfriends house. I assured him this wasnt the case, he got sour� and told me I just call him when I want something. such a hypocrite what about the times when wants to hug me have me lay in harms what about that shit? I guess he mad cause he is aware that someone else is on the scene. I feel like this, what we had we had.� Which was over ten years ago. Wish we could have been friends but he wouldnt allow that to happen. Everytime he would try to take it to another level always promising to marry me. I got tired of hearing that shit. Maybe he thought I would fuck him, but I could never forget his� scathing rebuke when I was raped. He blamed me, told me I deserved it.� Anytime after that I could never be with him, if I tried shit would fall apart. He made me feel cheap and dirty I would soak and scrape any prescence of him off of my body. He always makes it a point to tell me that Iam easy, I dont agree though. I dont fuck everyone I encounter, he says Iam too friendly. Whatever that means, it was clear he was pissed last night when I told him I went to nyc to see someone� and had a wonderful time. He is only content if Iam miserable, he always says no one wants me all they want is sex. My ex use to say the same shit, my brain needs to be reprogrammed or else it will spell disaster for�my current relationship. I dont want� bring that baggage�with me.� He is waiting for this shit to come crashing down but it wont not this time. Yes I have said that before but this is different said that too. but it is different because� Iam not controlling the flow of things my heart and kyle are. Iam not holding anything back this time around. I am going to jump out the damn window and just free fall with this one. He and I could never work anyway because there is so much about me he didnt like starting with my personality, Iam too white. Im sarcastic, I like doing things my way, dont like to be hounded and touched constantly. Always made to feel that whatever I do or say it isnt right. He always critiques me from the way I raise my kids, how I cook, what I cook� the list is endless. I always knew with him I could never measure up unless I did exaclty as told.

�I was watching a sermon on you tube entitled single women that said you need to remain hidden and allow that good man to find you. Some of the stuff I agreed with some of it not so. Nothing wrong with getting in position so the a potential good man can find you. On to another topic, Daymon. He has me confused. I am unaware of what I did wrong. Abruptly he got off the phone with me (yesterday)guess, he didnt want to chat me with me. I felt guilty, horrible, I never intended to hurt him. He says it isnt me, then who� is it? Is there someone else? Or is he truly not ready. If the latter is the case then I would like to understand better why I attract men who arent complete. Iam complete, I have closure, hell I havent been in a serious relationship in 4 years. What about me says that Iam not worthy, a throwback/reject? I was begining to think I could possibly invest my sincerest emotions as well as time into daymon.� Despite all the things I complain� about in regards to him, he has some wonderful qualities.� Not the begging kind so if he doesnt want me I will kick rocks. I began to develop feeling for him not love or anything like that. Perhaps more of caring, I relished being close to him, hearing his beating heart, hisfingers tracing my back.

I need to be loved understood, appreciated, maybe he isnt the one for the job. Who is? Is the question of late. Sure which I could summon my husband on the scene with the snap of a finger or some magic potion or words. Maybe prayer will do the trick. A prophet once told me its not good for me� to be alone, well a truer word has never been spoken!

Ivan came by today, has been more recent. Why I dont know? All he talks about is himself and all the women who claim to love him, he doesnt even love himself. That is the shit that trips me out. He is� so fucking childish, he has a wii and acts like he aint never had shit in life. Wow is all I can say! I dumped daymon and walt called claiming I was playing on his phone but I wasnt. I have nothing but expletives for both of them wasting my time. Iam sure they will move on to the next chic. who will be gully. Why did either of them think that I am easy or naiive. They both want something for nothing. Especially walt who told me on several occasions he couldnt help me, yet he wanted to help himself to me. And Ivan really thought I was going to kiss his germy nasty ass in the mouth. He must be fucking looney , he told me he be tricking at the hotel with guttter slime for money. I aint hating on a brotha getting paper but I aint putting my lips on that shit. He told me he loves me, I dont care, he says Iam a good listener. Not so, he just loves to hear himself so I remain silent and let him babble on about his meaningful existence.� I went to the store and bought him a sub cool np I told him I had to be back� at� a certain time, he just kept bullshiting/show boating so I bounced walked home. When I came home he was waiting for me. I didnt care that he feigned concern. Big Fucking deal.

How is it that he claims to love me and treat our son like shit, how does that work? Explain it to me cause I just dont understand! I shouldnt have to tell� him David has needs, it should be so damn obvious.� Ivan has to grow up stop manipulating, lying thieving, misrepresenting,� hell morph into some one who is socially acceptable. His whole life is a game/ a joke! 42 years old and nothing to show for. Straight pitiful, he keeps doing the same shit, different women but the same dumb shit. When will he� ever stand up and be a fucking man, if not for him then at least for David.

I'm about to mess DJ up he plays stupid but his ass can hear what I told him to do. My energy is low, patience has headed south and Iam bout to beat him down like he owes me some money. Come to think of it he does! Cant have shit� he is destructive, jacked up my computer for almost a week. Steals anything that� isnt nailed down and blatantly lies about:even when he gets caught.

Iam tired of everything living this filthy apartment, these damn kids I wish often I never had. Being poor depressed taken advantage being thought of as stupid. I simply want out of this pit I currently reside in. I wish there were people in my life that would befriend me without be invading my space/privacy� who werent judgemental, close minded� always trying to make me over. Do these type of people� really exist?� Will� I ever meet a mate who isnt trying to gain something from me or manipulate me or hurt me intentionally. Is this type of man reserved for a specific type of woman. What? I dont understand! I dont want to another man who has been hurt, isnt affectionate ,selfish, "not ready" full of shit, on the rebound or controlling. I cant be who Iam not that is what men who�seek me out dont understand Iam a noncomformist� perhaps a� bit malcontent.

ok� here I go, over the weekend I went to walt's house. Before I went I� prefaced the conversation with Iam not going to have sex with you I guess he thought I was playing I was fo real. Nothing went down except for the fact that he ignored me.I layed there with my back to him pretending to be sleep for a long time. I got tired of that so I got up got dressed and headed for the door. He agreed to be a gentle man and just hold me. Of course, I should've known� this would never work. After all he is not�daymon, he was a cheap stand in for what /whom I really wanted. What am I doing?� Fucking up the chance that things could've progressed with daymon. We talked frequently about numerous things from religion, relationships family the list is endless. Not sure why I enjoy him, he is quite nosy ! Larry called me this weekend for what reason I dont know. He called to tell me what Daymon thinks of me and what� he is really like. Men are stupid! Where did he get the impression that he had a chance in hell with me. I never gave any inkling that I wanted him.

Oh yeah about today Iam in a slump. No reason my life has gone to shit. Iam not living more like the walking� dead. Iam so fucked up. Havent done shit today, not a damn thing. Just have no motivation, (takling to Daymon right now). I wonder what is up with daymon he isnt like his� optimistic self. I just told him that I am not going to call him anymore, he made me feel bad like it was all me the other night. He initiated what transpired btwn us. Last night when he called and I called him back same thing aloof/ distant.� I guess he only wants to chat with me when there is drama. Dont want to stand in his way of him and god. He acted as if he didnt want to chat with me, cool n.p. I� beat him to the punch , I can read btwn the lines. Tony called me this morning told me I was hostile toward him. Ya think? He's made his agenda clear he wants to fuck,I dont. Where is the confusion?� the time we've been aquainted has been long, yet there is no direction or common goal.� Simply put bullshit lies and deceit. Dont want to travel down that road again.� Hopefully Mr. Right will step on the scene cause the men that I have been engaging arent worthy! This includes Daymon. Iam done with him, if he does call me, fine but I wont be calling him. He blamed me for his actions how dare he not take responsibility for pawing all over me. When he satiated his lust, he was ready for me to leave how convienient!

�I called Walt this morning to tell him that I was bored in addition to missing him. Then I said� the boredom I can handle. Daymon called me this morning wanting to go out., tried to stall him by saying I had to prepare myself.� Ruthie suggested I use the excuse my daughter is sick, which� I did recently.. Truth of the matter is wasnt feeling it, told ruthie several time that I didnt want to go out with him. I had a bad feeling that I couldnt escape. Sure 'nough my� intution was right, when I came out the door Walt was on the other side of the street , face to face. OMFG I ran upstairs so fast, the phone rang it was walt. He asked wasdaymon my date..... Were not official, but I still felt like I was cheating.�Such an uncomfortable sitiuation, felt like a deer� caught in headlights. Daymon wasnt fazed� at all , he says he knew I had friends. I think he� wasnt bothered because he is seeking a sex partner versus a lasting relationship. When we returned from starbucks I called Walt immediatley, I asked was he upset . He said he wasnt, this was� a lie. We talked briefly about it, then back to work he went. Later he called me back and asked was his job a problem for me. Cant recall what I said. His job is the "other woman". This is who Iam at this very moment a liar. I lied to walt ,lied to daymon as well as myself. I�lied to myself when I attempted to overide my feelings and be casual friends with walt; mislead daymon into thinking walt is a mere friend. Never once did I correct him! Lastly I decieved walt into thinking I dont care for him as deeply as I�do.�

This isnt a game for me,not gloating over the attention bestowed on me by both men. Truthfully speaking with walt is where I'd like to be in his arms in his prescence doing nothing in particular. God I want to fall in love,want his attention.� I feel like his unhealthy work ethics are an issue that cant be resolved. I love a B.M.W always wanted one yet somehow its become the elephant in the room. What am� I suppose to do when he is unavailable? Not seek out other men for sure, seriously what am I� to do? I need to get a life that's the answer, fill my time and space with�hobbies, work,��my first love(poetry). Anything to help eleviate the lonliness/ desire to be with� a man who cant or wont allocate time to me.

Not much is going on today, I know I need to get this house in order since Elease is coming tomorrow around� three or four to check things out. Have alot of laundry to do and very little money. Hate asking people to help me mama gave twenty the other day. Which helped me out, worried about alot of stuff that Iam powerless over .Any who I noticed� Daymon and Walt called me last night.I �heard the phone ring I just didnt want� answer it. Maybe Walt felt a little slighted, that wasnt my intention at all. I was actually� felt/feel kind of bad about what went down between us. Sin does this to ya. We spoke this morning, then he came by before he went to work. I was stil in my lougne gear, shorts and a t shirt.He did'nt seem to mind.� Although he had on sunglasses I sense he was undressing me with his eyes. Which he readily admits. What I find most refreshing about Walt is his�demeanor� towards me isnt predicated on trying to impress others. He is unchanging whether were alone� around other people.� LIke today for instance my neighbors were out when he drove up, Walt was still walt copping a feel, putting� his hands on my ass. licking my ear.. hmm if he was trying temp me it worked!� I did tell him that what transpired btwn will not happen again. Bet he dont believe it.��He was smelling so good today mmm.��For two years he's tried to talk to me,he wasnt t someone I'd typically be intersted in.....never fathomed things would unfold like this. Man something is going on� between us, is it my pheramones? Cant be sex, that only occured once. Besides I had this feeling before anything popped off. I remember when he told me he a friend, I was spitting mad! Another time walt told me bout� how much time he allocates to work, this provoked to tell him fuck you more than once. Men are stupid/ clueless/he should have known by my reaction that somehing up with me. Why do I conduct myself� this way I cant explain it.� We have never declared that� were official so�I shouldnt be trippin like I do!

I wanted to see walt last night so As I walked halfway to his house he met me. Initially he wasnt too keen on me� doing that, because it was late. I didnt see it as a problem, we live in the same area! He was driving like he was sixty, slow ten mph. We sat in�his driveway for awhile, then he brought me home.� Talked a bit more, and� I gave him the friend speech. He went off on me. Saying that we are more than friends, we talk everyday, spend time together alot (not doing anything in particular) we kiss. He said which one of your friends do you do this shit with. I had to be truthful, none of my friends share this level of intimacy.� His words keep replaying in my head "you know what this shit is...... its a relationships stop hitting� me over the head with that friend bullshit."�I can see he was pissed off,� he went on to say� I cant��categorize a relationship as being casual or anything else ,that is until I get better aquainted with someone. I disagree because many time I have said ok we are only going to be friends, sex partners whatever.� Hate� to admit it but he is right were more than friends. Not sure how to define but it's something more than casual.

We chatted for a minute then he dared me to race him race in the middle of the night . If he won I would have sex with him. I can be cocky at times so I was up for the challenge. I�believed �I could defeat him with out�effort. He won, aint gone lie I was shocked as hell! I claimed he cheated although� I knew damn well he didnt, so we did it again. And� I lost�I �know what that meant. I never planned to give him any, was hoping he would forget about it or just write it off as a joke.�Neither of these things happened.� We agreed I would pay up on the weekend. I got out of his truck came in the house layed down. The phone rang it was�Walt telling me he wanted to collect his reward. I was like damn!� He came back to my house to get me, this brother was fo real. He wasnt playing, he wanted me not now but right now! I didnt want to follow through with it yet I was curious. Although he was a bit aggressive he wasnt an ogre.� He didnt act like Eli� who's a crazed maniac. Man, all kind of thoughts were running through my mind. LIke what am I doing here underneath him? Is he this open with most women,� what does this mean to him if anything?� Is this just an act or something deeper? During a previous conversation I asked him bluntly why do you want me so bad? Did he want a story to share with his homies or was I just a notch on his belt. He's so open where Iam so guarded.� Once he asked me directly what am I scared of? How could I explain to him that I fear that myself. Fear letting go, falling in love with (him or anyone)�only to be told its headed no where.

�I care about him deeply, this is is where I usually began plotting my sabotage. Would rather hurt now than later. Cant guarantee anything if I/we could my relationships would be fruitful and healthy.� I dont want to hurt him and vice versa so......

Let me start again, I started this journal then someone got on my computer and messed things up. Daymon just showed up at my door but when I pulled the same thing it was a big issue. Such a hyprocite is all there is to say abut the matter.Heard that my brother went back to prison, not feeling any empathy for him. Have no plans to visit him in his current state. He has done over 17 years in prison one would be inclined to believe he is tired of that life. Wade's girlfriend has been sticking by him, why oh why.Oh well, on to another subject: Walt. Saw him last night, not sure what is going on. We have similar personalities both strong willed, assertive also driven. What draws me to him I cannot say. Beauty and the beast is an adequate depiction of us. He shared I shared, then came to the conlcusion not to define this. Were not officially exclusive, but he is the closest thing to having a significant� other. It feels like a relationship though. Just dont want to go through any drama. Despite my rudeness walt has been very kind to me. Was surpised to hear he"s been watching me for awhile! Something indescribable is lingering between us. Would'nt say it's love, too premature for that.(Wonder if he feels it as well.)

Perhaps lust,or could it be that I have been out of circuit for so long that my emotions are guiding me rather than reality? If he never put into words how he feels for me or about me it's all good. Walt reveals alot without being aware of it. Everytime he kisses me, hold me, I sense a longing or is it my own.

Daymon hmm what can I say about him? Yes he's handsome, this isnt enough to satiate me. He seems to want to hear and judge. As if his life is so pristine. Being held, cuddled isnt easy for him, always has to take it to another level. I prefer intimacy over sex all day every day. Just holding me, chillin', kissing makes me feel wanted.��Walt's genteel manner penetrates the shield worn to protect, it has many holes in it. Who can resist being treated well? Not I.

Let me start by saying Eli is a jerk!� Why is he stil in my life I dont know, all he does is complain about me my lifestyle my children, my home the list of complaints is infinte. He had the gall to ask me for the millionth� time to marry him. He shouldnt take himself seriously, I dont! I told randy that we werent compatible. which were not , He's into parties and hanging out. Iam beyond that, I have responsibilties obligations as well as very little time to waste. When he told me how he did his kids, that solidified his fate with me. A man that� scurry's like a shrew from his obligations isnt� worth of my attention. He said he paid one his children's mom 25 dollars a week when he� earns over a thousand.� Randy proceeded to tell me that his sons get ssi checks plus, they dont call him so he doesnt reciprocate. At the end of this converstation he proudly stated his baby mama is white like he just won the fucking lottery! Men are amazingly stupid. He said in such a tone that would give one the impression that black women are inferior. We concur that we dont have anything in common so at the end of the conversation I abruptly said goodbye with such finality in my voice it stunned him.

Daymon called me the other day, I went to see him.� We talked about much of nothing. He was all over me like flies on shit.� For the most part I didnt mind him hugging / squeezing, fondling� or laying in his arms. He got a bit�aggresive to the point I began to cry pondering whether he was going to rape me. I actually started to call Walt and tell him about this, decided not to fearing he would say what replays in my mind almost daily: I deserve to be treated in a direspectful manner due to the fact that Iam beautiful as well as nice. I talked to Daymon about this in minute detail, he claimed to have understood my tears. Although I am attracted to hiim, I never touched him back. Even when he� tried to place my hand(s) on his gentials. He came into the room without his shirt on,omg! I couldnt look @him directly. His pushy behavior is not only scary but a turn off. He says he has not been with a woman almost a 1.5yrs.� I dont believe him, nor was I going to give him something to run and tell larry. Am I the hunted being hunted Idk? Daymon was on me like flies on shit. What Iam going to reveal next is going to be fucked up, oh well. While with Daymon my mind wandered to walt. Things like what he is doing, who is he doing came to mind. We arent in a relationship so this thought pattern is inappropriate. But hey it is what it is.

I cursed Walt out earlier today out of sheer frustration.� He hung up on me-no suprise there.� His jobs doesnt allow him to spend much time doing anything else including spending time with me. Later I apologized for my behavior. Something has changed between us.� It is not something drastic,nor can I define it. I can't recall when things�flipped. Maybe it was the time he kissed me and put the cocoa butter on my stomach and knee for me.� Or perhaps it was recently when he kidnapped me, took me to his house. Following him upstairs to his room, (which was� a little junky) I became nervous. He didnt pounce on me like Daymon or try to hold� me down which daymon did when I tried to get off of him. We did get better aqauainted, we kissed hugged the usual stuff (no digging or trying to pull my pants off). I am quite reserved when it comes to touching someone for the first time. Iam unsure where I should put my hands. I feel clusmy plus awkward in these situations. Yesterday I made dinner for everyone inculding David's playmate. I made Walt a plate too, unaware that spaggetti was his favorite dish. He got off work around 12, well around 1 thirty he called singing praises. I like a man who appreciates the small things that I� do for them.� Initially I was not attracted to him, I aint even gone lie about it! I had some preconcieved�ideas about who he was. Now� hmm, hate to admit it but he is a good dude. I dont like to be wrong which he has proved� so far. When I see him I see myself. He is affectionate, insouciant ,down to earth and loves to laugh. Who wouldnt be drawn, sucked in by a man who is a gentle giant.? I like to be treated well, this what he gives me. I smile when he kisses me� or smacks me on my ass, its as if he doenst care who is looking. His attitude is so what. Bold very Bold. When I told walt it was inappropriate to kiss� in front of his clients he asked then why did I . My response was because I like it and I dont do anything I dont like. He laughed at my brazen honesty.

Walt told me he has a friend but says there isnt much too it. This makes me wanna kick rocks,now dont get it twisted Im clearly feeling him. The issue is I dont want to be hurt or disappointed again. Iam not going to played for fool. Never before has he mentioned this friend, so its likely he is being truthful.

�Wil Mr. Right for me ever find me, does he know how to get in contact with me. Is he aware that I exist outside of his childish fantasies? I have been told on many occasions that god has someone specifically designed for me. Well where is he, and why hasnt he manifiested himself. I'm ready! I want someone who is kind, gentle, warmhearted, attractive and attracted to me. A man who is trustworthy, sincere, affectionate, humble, emotionally, physically, financially stable with very little drama. If he outgoing and� enjoys children and loves to laught travel, and watch movies this would be great.� Lastly he needs to be a christian that lives what he says.

Maybe I want too much , I dont believe this is the case though. I just dont want to be hurt again.

I dont understand why I continue to conversate with Gene. He is an asshole, every since I told him that florida people are backward thinking. He is just dumb I meant domb as my father would say. LoL. I can see his mind churning, he isnt getting the goods and neither is anyone else for that matter. Today seems kind of warm, I hope this is a good day. Everything he says is "you know what I mean. And he calls himself educated. Why am I wasting my time? He is intimidated by me its so obivious. I guess he came here to escape his felonious past. I hope he didnt kill anyone. You can never be sure with people these days. Hell shawcross was a serial killer, yet people say he was very tame. On to another subject Randy he is very territorial. I am not his woman, I get the impression he would like me to be. I will not commit to him or any other man at this time. Oh yea I fell up the stairs yesterday damn did it hurt too.� Alone I layed supine on the floor in a daze. I was scared that I wouldnt recover! I have a very long scratch under my breast to my my waist. It is ugly!� Told walt about it and ask could he put some cocoa butter on it.� First time for alot of things.... I change before he came had on boxers, switched to capri's. Too much skin exposed.

Of course he obliged without hesitation. This was the closest we have ever been. Then he pulled me close to him it was nice. Here's the shocker he KISSED ME. Let me rephrase that we kissed, I didnt pull away. I kissed him too I should have used more restraint..As long as I've been� aquainted with him, he has never� touched me, I mean Never ok. Not holding my hand nothing, so I asked him did he drink some courage juice or something. I would have went to his house with him� to chill but he told me that was not a good idea plus my shoes were no where to be found.. Probably right about that. At least I�can read him easily. I didnt tell him this but, I saw another side to him, he has been hurt bad in the past.� I could see past what I call his� thug facade,� briefly, he is soft. Walt has never put the moves on me, or tried to force me� into doing anything. But when he kissed me I was stunned. I did tell him though I do not make it a habit of kissing my friends. He makes me laugh, his sense of humor is awesome! Not sure how the subject came about but he told he is working with� 12 inches. So Iam thinking another dude bragging as always. Then he proceeds to say he is dick is 2 inches and his tongue is 10, that is some funny shit.

These kids are getting on my one last fucking nerve, I am not sure if� they think Iam a joke or what. That is until Iose my grip on sanity and start� beating the shit out of them. They really do bring this shit on themselves. How? hmmm lets me see they have been cleaning the same room since 7:15 am and now it is after two in the afternoon. What is wrong with this picture? but what really disturbs me is that they meaning daniel wants me to break my neck and do some shit for him, like buy him the book and drum sticks he needs for band. Not to mention the fact that the book bags purchased for school for them, are all on the floor. They dont gvie a dam they think a motha fucka owe them something. My energy is waning and my patience have left a long time ago. These are the time I wish I had a husband. for real cause I just bet this way things go down around here would even happen.

My new neighbors are getting on my nerves as well. they play that damn music all damn day and all fuckn night long. Thank god Iam not working right now cuz I would be calling the police and cursing them out like it aint nobody's business. MY sister needs to get a tighter grip on her kids, they/ she is lazy and slack! They dont clean she dont even wash the tub out after her dirty ass. Man what the fuck is she thinking about other than laying up getting dicked down and pushing her kids off on anyone who will fall for her lines. She isnt looking for an apartment, she wont get help via dss. I am beyond words when it comes to expressing my frustration, She dont give a damn about her kids, who does she think she is fooling? They would be better off with someone who actually gave a damn and could/would provide for them. For the most part she acts� like they are in her way of� screwing. She says she want to move back to buffalo. Where she use� to attend college, she is� a mother now. A choice she made when she told the family she was grown. She cant relive the past. I have tried to comprehend her way of thinking and just cant fathom living off my family who is struggling to raise their kids. I feed them she wouldnt, they would be eating shit out of a can forever if she had it her way. I am enabling her for the last time. I cant do this I say but continue to..

Isaiah is in for a suprise if he come out his mouth with some bullshit. He provokes me to smack the piss out him. And I will do it. Most days I wish he didnt exist or was never born. He complicates my life as well as Dj. Right now I wish they were dead! Why did I have them I dont know?� Isaiah is so smart but doesnt know� when to shut the fuck up even after you warn him. I think he likes the abuse I dish out, one of these days I suspect I am going to really hurt him.

I want to knock on Eli's head and ask is anyone home in there. He claims he doesnt want me. Yet he is slapping me on my ass undoing my bra. Not all in the same day.� Asking me when am I going to marry him. When can we go shopping for a ring, if I ask him for some money he claims he's broke. He wants what every man wants some ass. But I aint giving up shit!

When I've explained that Im just not that into him it gets funky. He says he's "madly in love with me." this isnt the case, he just wants to get fucked and�cant stop hoping it will happen. His dick is smaller than my pinky,�I can pop a bag of buttery popcorn in the time� that he cums.Less than� three minutes! He is a control freak, fo real. He believes he can run my life, my kids , my house better than me. If I dont do things his way, which he considers the right way, his world will end. With all sincerity, my mind tells me he's coo coo. When I� am nice he misconstrues it for me wanting him. Can you say yuck. No matter how many times I have told I dont appreciate his endless advances, he continues.... this is disrespectful! I will never be with a man like him who has a problem with rejection or the words HELL NO! He begs for pussy! then cant keep it up. he needs to get delivered, having that spirit/demon whatever it is cast out. Im talking mad shit cause I got my issue (s) in order:)

ok here I go. Not much has happened today, Daymon called me. I guess he spoke to Larry who regurgitated what I told him. In regards to having a boyfriend and it getting serious. He/they are both very childish. Which is why I hung up the phone on him, he called back. Probing me for answers about my whereabouts lastnight and with whom. He is very nosy, he thinks�comprehends �the innerworkings of my mind. Well he doesnt . And for him (this maybe a problem) me dating 2-3 men while desiring a husband. What should I be doing twittling my thumbs until mr. right, knight and shining armor decides to step up on the scene? I dont think so, just because he is so lonley like akon says, it doesnt have to be me nor will it be. Initally I liked him then he started getting annoying, his�relentless inqueries disturb me most about him. He shocked me when he said something to the affect that he thought he was my boyfriend. Where did the hell did that shit come from, I clearly told� him I considered him a friend period!

Randy is coming on strong, it is apparent how he feels about me, too bad its not reciprocal. I dont mind going out with him to the movies or dinner. This is cool, but by no strectch of the imagination do I consider him marriage material.� He was stunned to silence when I revealed that is what I� prefer. I refuse to be"terminally single".I enjoy chilling with him which is pretty much it. I cant forsee a future with him.� We/he planned to take me out to the movies. Unbe knownst to him walt wants to take me out to eat.

The other day I met someone at the bus stop exchanged numbers. His name is Gene he is 40 something, new to the area. Kind of not my type, ok not kind of he is not my type at all. He speaks very country, no� college degree, no car. Why do I even bother I dont know, why I do some of� the shit I do.

�Walt is cool too but� ahh nothing. As in nothing will transpire between us. He is so lustful. Today I could feel his eyes watching my ass move as I walked away. He called me to him just so he could see me walk. He is a trip. but at least� there isnt any guessing with him. one thing's for sure, he is all man!

Im about to fuck dj up, its like once i go oops upside his head he can act like he got some fucking sense. Isaiah is alright for the moment, but I cant lie they're are those times when I think... wooo, that bout sums it up. DJ needs to be on his medication fo real. xc is acting like my sister's kids tuning me out when I know damn fucking well she heard me the first time. All day I've had this sense of sadness.��A beat down is the cure for all/everything. Contemplating checking for good.� I cant take this shit. Hate it when dumb ass motha fucka's tell me this is my job.� Then what is their father's job? Why do men get to walk away, but if I were to even attempt this I would� subjected to all kinds of bullshit.

�ok Iam getting more and more frustrated by the minute. Daniel is going to make me beat his ass, my sister's kids are ok right now. They are a little hard headed at times. I havent a clue as to what she plans to do about her living arrangements. Bet she doesnt care. She needs to figure it out. One to another topic. Daymon hasnt called all day. I guess he talked to larry. Perhaps the joke is on them both. I cant stop my mind from wandering. Tony keeps coming to the fore front of� my mind. I need to leave this house. Dont want to chill with randy the guy I met a year ago. Or daymon cause I cant loosen up and be myself. Herbie will never get oustside the friendship zone, nice to chat with but nothing more. He is very clear about what he wants, besides I have a funny feeling he is in a relationship with his baby mama. Then there's Eli, who believes I need a total makeover, begining with my hair or lack thereof. Will it ever happen? Who out there is like me radical, progressive, or fearless? I dont want to marry or date a carbon copy of myself. Jeez is having something in common so bad though? I need intimacy right now. How can I get it? That is without giving up the goods? Tony comes to mind... had to back up off of him. Last time he was off the meter. Got all aggressive, quite scary. He choked slapped me during sex. I would enjoy being held by someone nice.

I just got off the phone with walt the guy I took keyboading with @mcc. He is crazy, he makes me laugh.� Sunday he gave�dj� and I a ride to church, this was the only time he's seen� me in a dress. Walt was like damn girl you fine,� he cut some one off in traffic just so he could get a closer look at my legs.� It is nice to�be wanted. on to another topic, Daymon. The handsome, arrogant often judgemental, controlling sexy as hell deacon@. Yeah the one I have been liking for ions! I finally gathered� the courage to call him, to say he was shocked is stating it midly. We have been chatting on the phone for� a few days.� It's obvious he's been hurt. So have I, may times. He has some character flaws, but this doesnt prevent me from wanting to know more of him. In the short period of� time that I've been aquainted with him he's managed to�reduce me to tears, touch my soul as well as break down some barriers. Often times I can see how fragile also vunerable he is.

�Yet, I can not help wonder if this is a game for him though. Seriously. He's larry's friend who swears Iam sent from heaven for him alone. Larry and I have never had a relationship nor will we ever!� larry believes that Daymon� is the man in my life. Why daymon would mislead larry or taunt him with blatant untruth's is beyond me. I think Daymon is down right cruel!� Im thinking this is some type of competition for them both. Two grown men behaving like kids! Daymon thinks I enjoy this attention, I dont. My intent is not to hurt either of them. I already made it clear (or at least I think so) to daymon that I am interested in him alone at this point.