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Dear Readers,

Today I stayed home from school with my dad and my brother's girlfriend. She is really nice and I like her because she listens to me. Not with her ears but with her heart. Today I spilled my guts out to her and it all started....uh....I foregot how it started but it had to do with boys I liked or like Manny or something. I told her everything from all the kids in my classroom to writing a book.

I like to write. I told you that already didn't I? When I write I am in my momment of zen or something. Since I like to write then that means I'd like a Pen-Pal to write E-mails to. Would you be my pen-pal? I would really like that.

What can I do to attract Manny? Help Me! Give Me Tips! I Need Your Help! I am begging you! PLEASE!!!

Answer My Question and Send Me Comments!

-Selina4me

I Love Birds

Wats up? i havent talked to anyone in a while!!! so hows life everyone? okay my life has been so so boring!!!!! im going to schlitterbhan for a weekend next week!!!!im so happy lol !!!!! kays guess i will talk to yas later!!! -<3KaTiE<3-

So, six years ago, on this day, I married a guy that I fell in love with. We moved to Hawaii and decided to build a life together (at least I thought that's what we wanted).

Thinking about it right now, it's so odd the way I buried almost each and every memory of that horrible relationship. For a naive 24-yr-old that's far away from home life in Honolulu can be very scary. But I coped.

Four years into the marriage I accounted for all the warning signs, including the load of John's debt, and my health. Then I decided to rescue me and move on.

Move on I did. While divorce paperwork was on the back burner. During this time I met many a wonderful young military lad. There was this one particular one that I couldn't get rid of. He was always around, always dishing advise, always there... when I needed a friend.

I'd like to think he took a liking to me from day 1 that we met (which was February 07). Six months or so later, he began sharing with me of his intentions to buy a place and that he wanted me to move in with him. I think he didn't know what he was signing up for. I didn't either.

The divorce was finalized in Jan of 08. And I said yes to moving in with him. We've been dating for about 8 months now. We did survive a strong wind of issues, including my divorce and herpes, and we continue to survive smaller issues.

I believe my secrecy stemming from a humongous lack of confidence (a result of divorce-trauma) has caused my boyfriend (it took me a while to get used to referring to him as my boyfriend) to be wary of me.

And as much as he loves me, and I do love him back and more, I'm not sure about us. We're the oddest and at the same time the happiest couple I know. I'd be devastated if we broke up. I know he'd feel the same way. But chances are we'd just pick up and move on, and stay in touch with each other. Yep! We're never not every going to be best friends. And I pray, I do so very earnestly and sincerely pray that I can make all this man's wishes and dreams come true. Because he has been so good to me, eventhough I've not been completely honest with him.

This year our parents will get involved with this relationship. And soon, others that we individually know and care about. He's supposedly set to leave the islands in June of 2010 (2 years from now). So that's about how much time we have to make a decision. So let's see...

im writting on another journal now...theres no more use of you....

I'll see you later

never writing on you again

Monday, May 14, 2007

So, what's a person to do? I am so suicidal I could scream! I can't have friends and I don't know how to talk with my husband anymore! So, here I am God! He can't take you away from me. I need someone to talk with. I am on the verge of tears and can not figure out why. I want to end things and can't figure out how to make them better. Today Ryvanna says to me that I am the only one who can make things change. But I don't know how to make things better! I am so confused and unhappy at myself and things I have done over the years.

I seriously can not remove things from my life. I want to just forget. I don't know how to go about opening up and letting things out. I am stuck. I am forever scarred and you are my hope that keeps me going. Lord, you and I have been friends for a long time. I've left you standing many times alone and I am sorry. It's so hard for me to not connect with you because you are not exactly someone I can touch or see. Please don't think I'm being ignorant. I am trying to get myself figured out!

Sometimes I wonder where I am going to be in the next hour. I am struggling with the thought of just ending it all! Where should I start Lord? Temptation has got a huge hold on me, you know this. I don't know how to stop it! I've got so many things I want to do and most of them are pretty good thoughts. The other part of me is not satisfied with anything I am. The other part of me doesn't know where to begin.

This is pleasant;

I wonder if this will even work... It's allowing me to send blog entries through my journal =o oh the crazyness.

I swear, I want to sign myself up for some weird pornography just to entertain myself when I get bored. Like, Madison was saying yesterday how Cody read her emails but the majority were just like "GET A BIGGER PENIS xD" and yesh... that would entertain me for about the next three years.. (or till I mature a little).

I found out I'm very immature. Give me some maturity now please! I reaaaaaaaaally hope I do well in bio today ._. I need at least an OP 8 of some kind. Come on lucky number 8. 8 really is my lucky number I think. I'm not sure why, but I'm going with 8 as being my lucky number.

Yeah, well this is getting boring. I don't really have all that much to say this morning.

I had the weirdest dream last night... It was like, a dream within a dream. I had a dream that I was helping Alex and Joel swim their canoe out into the water (God forbid they couldn't like you know, do the normal thing and paddle out... in fact no one did o.o) and yeah, well I helped them and then there was like this giant shark swimming underneath me, ._. it was scary. then Joel like swan down (except the guy that swam down was a lot more attractive than Joel normally is, talk about eww @ Joel) lol well anyway... he grabbed my arm and saved me from the shark then kissed me underwater. Oh wow. I just had a realisation. Hmm... Anyway, well I'll continue.
So, I had this weird dream, except when you're in a dream everything seems real so I didn't realise that I was dreaming/dreaming, but I told Steven dunndunndunn and he was like lol, yeah, Joel told me he saved you from the shark. Then I got all weird and was like ._. but yeah, I kissed him under the water. And he's like, well you know it was just a dream.

I wish our regrets could turn into dreams =[ hmm.

Ahh, well at any rate, I really need to get over Steven, I guess this is what dad meant by if you fall in love too quickly it just fizzles out and dies where as if you develop it, it's a lot harder to get rid of, if not never getting rid of it ever. =/ Maybe I'll be able to handle never getting over him. Who really knows. It makes my stomach churn not being with him ='( -cries lots and lots- I find it easier to move on with the current situation by getting all emo, hurting myself a bit then crying myself to sleep that night if he's hurt me.

Heh, this one is longer than the other one I wrote. But meh.

Anywho, I'm off to get un-naked. That's the last time I go writing blog entries in the nude. =P

Mood: Meh, could be better.
Music: If you caaan't do the math! Then get out of the equation. I want this song on my music player thing.
{Hilary Duff - Math}

No quotes for me today, I don't think. Ciao for now.