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this is the place where i attempt to fill every void in my life.. ridicule.. and complain.. and occasionallywill be usedto spat on every unjustice in the world.. and to occasionally make fun of how normal people dress thier mentally retarded children any kind of way (ex.. pink shorts red shirt with yellow socks.. and the shirt is yellow and white polka dots.. ADD THICK GLASSES.. AND LAUGHTER.. and there you are!) and expect people not to laugh at them.. WE are.. so get used to it!

Im a realist to say the least... no rose colored glasses here.. and i am a hedonist.. yea.. i said it! Some of you may call me a heathen with my opposing views on life.. if so.. fuck off.. its my world bastards!

It was a bright and gleeful summer day. A day that any child would enjoy, as their friends come over and play outside or to become absorbed in video games; but for me, it was merely another day of hell…

"Asakura! Get your ass down this here this minute!" yelled his mother. The shrill of her voice filled the whole house and I reluctantly started towards the source. I trudged down the stairs with the taste of bitter disgust stuck in my mouth, anger boiling within me with each step that I took; a response spurred by the utter resentment I had for my family and nearly everybody associated with it.

I am a boy of seventeen. My mother hails from Japan and my father is Chinese. I had my heart stomped on, mangled and left virtually useless when my girlfriend of seven months left me with no explanation. I don't have the best family; and have practically no friends. I had nowhere to turn until I met my sweet gothic Naomi. She is the one who cheered me up when I was crying on the way home. Well, actually she saw the bad shape I was in and she slapped me across the head to knock me out of my slump, and told me to stop crying. As unorthodox as her methods are, they are the only ones that work. I saw sincere care in her dark eyes, something I so rarely see.

"Asakura Cozy, look at this mess that you have caused in the kitchen!!" Mom exclaimed. I narrowed my eyes slowly yet cautiously to see what disaster lay within the room ahead. What I saw made me stop and stare; I stood there amazed at what was once a kitchen that glittered and shone, but was now dull and nasty, as pots were dangling from shelves with slimy green liquid coming out of them, accompanied by a pungent smell that made my nose feel like it was about to melt off. So I started to turn away to gasp for some air, but before I could do that I felt a sharp pain across my back that almost made me fall to the floor.

I said in pain, "What was that for?" And when I turned around again, I saw my mother; her eyes were red with fury, her pupils nothing but black holes that led to torture. Before I could explain to my mom that it wasn't my fault (even though it would be a waste of my breath to argue), she pushed me into the kitchen and yelled at me to clean it up. As I stood there fuming by myself and glaring around at the miracle it would take for me to accomplish this task, my rage so great it overrode my impulse to vomit, I saw my two sisters Amaya and Shiri laughing their heads off at the torture that they had arranged for me to go through. But before I could find something hard to toss at them, they dashed off to safety.

It took agonisingly long hours to finish cleaning up the mess that was not my doing, and I was exhausted. With the taste of disgust and anger preserved with also the pungent smell which still burnt my nose and still made my stomach churn, I decided to take a cold shower in an attempt to get rid of this stress and anger that I was feeling.

Then suddenly I heard the doorbell ring and the thought that that person might be here to see my parents made me decide to move like my old geezer grandpa, which would probably have been the case either way with how tired I was; in short, I took a very long time to reach the door. And even then, I stopped for a while as I grasped the cool doorknob, various thoughts swarming through my head. The doorbell sounded again, but I still didn't open the door immediately. But I knew the reaction my parents would have if I took too long, so after waiting a few more seconds, I turned the knob.

When I pulled open the door, I was a bit surprised to see Naomi standing there. She immediately embraced me and held me so tight, it was as if she was trying to crack every bone in my body. I was too surprised to ask her why she was so excited, but I was glad to see her, regretting my little attempt at rebellion. Then, with absolutely no warning, she released me, grabbed what was left of my prune hands (from all the cleaning) and started leading me, a bit roughly, away from my house.

"Come over to my house," she exclaimed with a wide smile. "I've got a surprise for you!"

She almost didn't let me close the door behind me.

"Naomi! This isn't like you, why the hell are you so happy today, and what's this big surprise?" I asked, Naomi's dark hair flowing behind her.

"If I told you now it won't be a surprise," Naomi said, smiling gleefully. Then she tugged me even harder as we came closer to her house.

"Uh, come on, I wanna sleep Naomi, can't you show me this another time when I'm actually awake?" I retorted tiredly.

"You can sleep after, you big baby," she remarked.

We finally arrived at her house. Naomi swung the door open releasing me momentarily so I could climb the stairs without falling forward, although she still pushed me verbally. Then she took me to her computer, which had two helmets sticking out at the side of it. I looked at her angrily, a look of pure fury on my face. I almost felt like killing her. "You dragged me here for this?!!" I yelled.

With a small voice, she answered, a bit surprised and disappointed with my reaction, no doubt, "Yes."

I was in no mood for this. I turned to leave but she was too fast; she pulled me by my shirt, dragged me to the seat as though I was her pet and slammed one of the helmets on my head.

"Quit it, Naomi! Games are for losers!" I yelled, my tone as livid as before. But the next thing I knew, I couldn't see or hear anything. What did she do?

The apprehension and fear lasted no more than a few seconds and presently, my senses returned. But I was no longer in Naomi's room; I was somewhere else. It looked like the scene from a fantasy flick. There were buildings around. They were not the concrete structures I was used to, but they were made of clay. The sign that bore the name of the town was made of wood. Street vendors called out to passer-bys the items they carried; like rare items, weapons and armour. This place… for some reason, I felt at peace here, despite the fact that strange-looking characters crowded the streets. The fresh air in this pristine world was wonderfully simulated. A beautiful, clear river trickled along nearby. Elaborately dressed patrons turned to look at me, standing there all alone.

Then, after a few moments later, a flash of flame bolted down beside me and when it was gone, Naomi was left; but she looked different. She had the look of a female soldier; her black hair with red highlights had been replaced by long snow-white hair. Virtual Naomi had a clear beautiful, tender body covered by a coat of amour with long leather boots. She wore a golden band over her head like a crown in the middle of it was a precious blue stone and finally she was armed with a beautiful – but undoubtedly deadly – sword with the edges glistening, as though it cut the sun's rays in every direction and in the middle of it were ancient symbols that were blue and glowing brightly.

It was then that I decided to see what changes this virtual world made to my appearance. Quietly, I walked over to the river and the person that I saw wasn't the Asakura I was used to. I still looked my age, but I was no longer the pale skin and bones I used to be. My hair was still brown, but spiked; my muscles surprised me but not as much as the glowing tattoos on my right arm. A very large sword (longer than I was tall, and I was taller in this world) rested in its hilt, which was strapped across my back. It had a golden handle with a dragon chain at the end. Instead of armour I was dress in black garments, you couldn't see my mouth as the clothes covered my mouth and stretched to my belt buckle as I was wearing leather pants with boots that felt as hard as steel and they too were black leather.

For a moment I stared at my reflection, I said softly, "This sure beats real life." Then I turned my eyes away from the new me. I stretched my new muscles, realizing the just how tired I was. Although reluctant to leave, I didn't see anywhere to sleep in this place. "How do you take off the helmet?" I called over to Naomi.

The stunning figure before me answered with seemingly great disappointment that I wanted to leave already. "You have to pull it off by holding your head then you pull it up," she said in a low tone. I tried it, but still found myself in the game.

"Idiot," Naomi said as she made the same gesture; NO LUCK! She looked at me in astonishment.

For a moment I just stood there thinking it was all a dream; actually a nightmare. While Naomi tried constantly to take off the helmet, each time to no avail. Then with the anger from earlier and the tiredness that I felt, I let out a loud, anguished cry. I didn't even care that my tattoo began to blaze even more brightly and that the crowds of passer-bys, vendors and customers, turned curious eyes in our directions, probably wondering if I was possessed or something. From there tears of sorrow and anger began flowing down my face as I stared at Naomi, she was now coming up to me, with her mighty sword she used the handle and thrashed me across the head.

"Cut the crap, Asakura! This isn't helping either of us!"

"Well, you knocking me in the head isn't helping either!" I retorted.

"What're you lookin' at?" Naomi demanded as she turned to the curious eyes of those around us. Either losing interest or not wanting to challenge the obviously angry – and possible insane – pair of warriors, they went back to their business.

I did feel a little better, though, after crying a bit and yelling at Naomi, although my head still hurt. This virtual reality was amazing; each sensation must have been sent directly to my brain, so it felt as real as if I were in my own house getting whooped by Mom. I stared at Naomi's character and I said in a low tone, "What're we gonna to do?"

Always quick to answer, she said, "Guess we have to finish the game and see, we also have to find a guild."

I asked her to explain what she meant by "guild". She said it was a group of people working together for the same thing - a team. As I was about to ask her one final question, she appeared to read my mind.

"This game is called The Terra; I won it in a sweepstakes I entered."

I then took a deep breath, wiped my eyes and looked around again to see what journey I had ahead of me in this

"Terra," I thought….

To be continued……

Well guys I finally got over the fact that I'm stuck in a virtual world, I am happy though that I can get away from my parent. The only hard part now is that I have to make friends Ugh (lol).

Next: Chapter 2: The Trials Ahead

I'm going to start writing poetry again. I used to for�a long time. I'm hoping it will be as therapeutic as it used to be. Well here is one that� I wrote a few days ago. It doesn't really have a name.

No, Everything is not okay

Everytime night turns to day

I pray

"God let me die today."

I can't change the way I feel

People are trying with just a little pill

It all just makes me want to blurt

"God, stop making me hurt."

I know I have Jesus in my heart

Which means we'll never part

But I just don't feel him with me

Maybe they lied and he really left me.

God, if you left me, hear my cry

Please come back before I try

To take something that isn't mine

To take my life one last time.

I need some feedback, Please.� That is, if you want to. I can be short or long. You can tell me it sucks if you want to. Just give me something to work with.

kk i like this guy and everyone keeps telling me that he likes me and he even told me last year but i didn't like him like i do now, so i told him we should be friends. and then one day he said that he doesn't like me anymore and that his friends are bugging him about me (im 1 year older than him but who gives a shit?) so His Friends bug him about that. and now i talk to him almost daily on msn, so now i really like him. does he still like me? is it His Friends? I wanna ask him out but im not sure if he does or doesn't like me!

he was out of town this weekend for hockey (lol he LOVES hockey!!!!!!) and the night before we left he told me he won't be on the computer for a bit and i can't stop thinking about him! i really want to go out with him but again, im not sure if

a) he likes me

b) he likes me but is hiding it from His Friends

or

c) he is telling the truthand he doesn't like me in that ways anymore

HIS FRIENDS are the f*cking problem!!!

i guess i can't be sure until i ask the question, i'm just so nervous!

What do you think?

ok, so there's this guy i've liked for about four or five years. and i can hardly speak when i try to talk to him! and when i'm around him i always try to act out or make him notice me. he talks to me and he's REALLY nice. but i just get so nervous!!! i just want to act cool and calm. but i am just so scared he'll laugh in my face. oh, and he's like, 3 years olderer than me, but i read that it doesn't matter if he's under 4 years older than you.

has anyone else gone through this type of thing? if you have could u plz give me advice. it would REALLY help! thnx so much!

So I should probably start from the beginning huh? I was born in a little hick town called Black River Falls, WI. My parents got married in November of 1987 (I was born in December) and thier divorce became final in March of 1988. Personally I find it pathetic that thier marriage didnt even last six months, but whatever, they got along for the most part while I was growing up. My mom met a guy, and started dating him and got pregnant with my sister. "The guy" then ran out on my mom and has never seen or spoken to Autumn. My mom then met my step father Phillip. They got married in 1994, but were together way before that. He was a great dad up until I turned 16 (which I will get into). With Phillip my mom had two boys, Jarrett, and Jeremy. I love em, they are wonderful. We grew up in Taylor (about 15 miles from Black River Falls) and for the most part we had a wonderful life.

When I was three, I was sexually abused by my grandfather, he went to prision for that. I dont really remember much about it, I supressed the memories, all I remember is telling my grandma what had happened. And I remember bits and pieces of therapy.

At the age of 16, I had to have a lump removed from my breast. The day I came home from the hospital, my stap dad started to sexually abuse me, it started out fondling and then turned into a daily rape session. Every morning that is how he would wake me. It was horrible, I told my mom, and she promised it would stop, but she didnt leave him. She stayed. It didnt stop, and I told her it was still happening, she PROMISED that it would stop. It didnt, in August of that year my grandmother died. I had gone to her house every weekend to escape what was going on, and then after she died I had no where I could go. I took her death pretty hard. We were close. On Christmas day of that year I was on the internet in a Yahoo chat room and I met the man of my dreams. Jeff. We hit it off right away and started dating...online...i called him every day on my way to and from work, i talked to him every night online. He was amazing. I told him my secret, and he set up for me to come to Denver and go to a shelter for Runaways, where no one could force me to go home until I was ready. I took a huge chance and went 1200 miles to meet a man that could have very well chopped me into bits.

A week later, I decided I was ready to come home and press charges on my step dad, Jeff came with me. My mom, at that point didnt want me because she planned on staying with him. Jeff and I moved in with my father. He bought me a car, and life was ok. I started seeing a counsler, and writing in an online diary. My dad read a poem I wrote and said I was suicidal, and him and the counsler started working to either admit me to a mental hospital or put me on meds. I freaked out and ran away again with Jeff, this time taking my car.

Since the car wasnt in my name my father reported it stolen. While living with Jeff I became pregnant and decided I needed to come back to Wisconsin to deal with everything before the baby came. When I came back, I was no longer allowed to see Jeff unless Human Services sceduled a visit. Which was never. I lived with my aunt for a while, who then decided a pregnant teen was too much to handle and she sent me to a foster home. While in the foster home, I graduated high school, and pled guilty to Misd. Theft, and got sentenced to 18 months probation.

In December of 2005 I graduated, turned 18, got discharged from foster care, moved in with Jeff, and had my daughter, Chloe. In May of 2006 we decided to move back in with my dad per his request and help him out with cleaning and what not in lou of rent. In August of 06 I found out I was pregnant again, much to my surprise because I was on birth control. In November of 2006 we had a falling out with my dad and became homeless. We lived in a shelter until the end of January, and then we moved into the Apartment in two rivers. On April 29th I had another beautiful baby girl, Nevaeh Sunshine. In June we moved to Denver Colorado.

There, if you made it this far, Good job!!

I went to my favorite resturant/bar today for lunch which is a usual spot for me...the down side is it's a usual spot for Adrian too. I walked in and saw her today. This is the first time I've seen her in nearly two weeks. We were the only two people in the whole fucking place. As soon as I saw her I stopped (thought about turning and just leaving)but then Terri my fav bartender said "Hey Klenk, what's up?" So I greeted her but not Adrian and then sat behind her and not at the bar as I normally do. It was wierd.�Sat there for a few moments, ordered my food and then she did it: "Hey Klenk, what's up?" My heart sank. I wanted to spill my heart out and be like "I love you and am miserable without you. I want to spend eternity with you." But I didn't. I kept it short and not so sweet. She just got a "Hey" the I resumed drinking my cranberry vodka. She got the hint that I wasn't into�talking to her but I wasn't gonna let her ruin my steak and drinks. A few moments went by and I recieved a few texts and I don't think she could stand not having my attention. She turned and said: "Is your wireless working? Mine's not." Again, I wanted to say something sweet to make her smile or say something that only me and her would find funny. But I didn't. I didn't even look at her. I just said "Yep" and resumed eating.

I knew that if I gave in I'd be putty in her hands again. As much as I love her and want to be with her I just keep telling myself that she'll never change.

DEDICATED TO SOMEONE VERY SPECIAL (YES YOU Ä")

Today is the beginning of my new life.

I am starting over today.

All good things are coming to me today

I am grateful to be alive

I see beauty all around me

I live with passion and purpose

I take time to laugh and play everyday

I am awake, energized and alive

I focus on all the good stuff in life

and give thanks for them

I am with peace and one in everything

I feel the love, the joy, the abundance

I am free to myself

I am magnificence in human form

I am the perfection of life

I am grateful to be

ME !!

Today is the best day of my life

EVERYDAY !!!!!

With love yr friend Dangles.

A month ago I woke up and my word came to a shattering hault as i looded upon the face of a breathless 6 month old baby girl.� Once so full of life, and movement, I saw only stillness.� Then came the panic, the fear, the saddness and anger all crashing down one me.� It is so strange, after a flood of almost every single emotion, to not feel any joy at all.� In fact, I cannot fathom joy.� Only pain, and lonliness.

Hey all u blogers here is a tip, if ur uncle dies, ur dad starts to drink, and ur mom doesn't act like she used to, then that means someting is up.

Ok so i am sad, but how do u think my cozin and the rest of my family are feeling. They've all cried at least 1 time, i've tried to cry I just can't do it. I am extreamly sad about it but i just don't know how i can be crying in front of every1 eventhough i want to so i can finnaly feel as sad as my sister.

Well this is goin kida smooth, not really, but i've had my ups and downs this week.my mom is takeing me and my cozin to the park of MOA and i asked this guy if he wanted to go wit me. He's really cute and really funny, so i think tht my cozin would want him to go. But my only consern is that he'll act all bad around my mom and i'll never get to invite him anywere anymore. witch is really sad. WAIT, i forgot to tell u his name. His name is eric. Its funny, i had a bf in preeschool named eric, but i know tht its not the eric that i like.

But theres this other guy too. HIs name is Andrew L. He's also really funny and cute. I basicly sit by him in my school hrs from 1st to 3rd, then he goes to other classes. after 3rd hr it goes right back to eric (bc he sits by me in 4th hr math). well this is getting to be really long so log on to see my other stories on gurl in big world.

i have no confidence!!!

helllllp

i know people say that, but seriously...

I've been a little lapsed in writing in this. My goal has been to make an entry every other day or two Worked well so far, don't you think!?!?

I've sent out a few more resume's though not too optimistic about hearing anything from them. Maybe I need to just y attitude and try sending out good vibes to the companies! Its just so frustrating! I didn't want to be at work today at all & my boss wasn't even there. Ok-I need an attutude adjustment-think good vibes!

I started following a Weight Watchers plan this week as well. I really need to do something aobut my weight, I'd like to be around to see my kids graduate! I'm doing ok so far, I just need to get past the stress and emotional eating. Wish it were as easy as it sounds.

I'm hoping writing will help me figure out things in my life.

My daughter Madisyn is just shy of being 1 month old. She was born on January 12, 2008 at 1:04 pm. She was 7lbs. and 12oz. 19 and 1/2 inches long. She has a head full of hair and a smile brighter than anything! She is the half that makes me whole!

I am 18 years old now and i was 17 when i got ppregnant with her!! I have full blown Bipolar and i get very depressed. My best friend is my mom and i love her very much if it wasnt for her i would have been all alone my whole pregnancy.. she took care of me every step of the way!! Madisyns daddy wants nothing to do with her and it breaks my heart because i no a guy that i have been friends with since i was like in 4th grade and his mom and dad treat her like she is there family but really she isnt!! And every day i thank god that we are so lucky to have family that cares about us...

anyways...

i need advice Maddi gets so fussy at night and i get so frustrated with her i dont know what to do.. anyone have any advice at all?

Thanks Kayla and Maddi