Courtney1316's Journal

Dear Journal,

Today is going a lot better for me at school. I am actually talking to someone. But the teachers are being assholes. My weekend was alright even though I had to deal with Alyssa, Alyssa, Alyssa all weekend. I hated having to hear about alyssa all weekend long. I drove to Lewistown with my brothers and went to my grandpa's house a few times to clean...I hate cleaning. But anyways before the graduation I had to clean up and shit like that and alyssa didnt even have to or say thank you for cleaning up for her guests! GRRR.....Well I am making this one short. But I may be back later today. I am not sure...I am busy studing for Semester Tests and Finales for tommorrow. Later--Court

Dear Journal,

Well today is goin slow, I am really really tired because I was up till 4 am waiting for my dad to get here. He drove here all the way from Portland, OR. I am excited to see him, but then again in way I am mad. Mad because I dont want to have to hear about alyssa all damn week long from him as well as my mother like she has been doing the past year. I cant handle listening about her for another second. So, I was on myspace yesturday and I talked to a friend that I really do like. I havent talked to him for a really long time. He is coming to denton today for is cousins graduation. I really do like him, but one problem. He is older then me. I am not talking about like 3 years, more then that. But I just cant help it...I really really really like him. He makes me happy and he tells me that I am him happy. I dont know what to do...I dont know if I should see him or what. Anyways, Thats all for today...thanks for reading....love, Court

Dear Journal,

Well today is a little bit better just because today there is a track meet so no one is at school. Plus, the seniors or all gone so I dont have to deal with them. My dad is coming here from porland tonight, I am really happy for that...but in a way, I am not really that happy because he is embarassing. He was in prison for nearly 10 years for molesting a boy. After he got out I found out that he a bisexual. I think that that is the most sickest thing ever. Anyways...I dont really want to talk about him. I happy because tonight, my mother and one sister and all my brothers are leaving to go to great falls after school so it will just be me there for awhile. My mother is going to leave her truck hopefully so that I can go to the store. Well, anyways...I wish that this weekend could just get over. I cant stand it, everythingis about alyssa..! last night thats all that my family talked about...they are driving me nuts! I am I being selfish that I dont want to here about her and that I am tired of everyone buying and giving all their attention to her? Thanx-Court

Dear Journal,

Today is not really any better. I had to go home for lunch because I didnt want people judging me by what I was eating. I hate it when people make me out to be the joke. Today is my sisters last day of High School....I am happy for her. But this weekend end means alyssa, alyssa, alyssa. Not any of Court, or Matt, Chris, or Jay. I feel bad for myself...I never have anyone or anything. Neither do my 3 brothers though. They dont understand it either! One thing about Denton school is why I dont fit it...When I went to school in Great Falls and Lewistown people loved me, here they freaking hate me. I just dont get it. Everyone's thinking that I am into all that bad stuff like drugs...I am not...I have never even touched one...the only bad thing that I do is smoke...but not around anyone....they girl who told me this is one pissed because I do "things" But she knows that her friends are worse then I am! Anyways, I have to go, the bell is ringing in a sec. ttyl,

thanx-Court!

Dear Journal,

Today is not going very good for me...I cant take it anymore...I am tired of people here...I need to get the hell outta here. Its not fair that someone has to go through what I have to. I was talking to someone from my school that used to be my best friend and asked her what happened to us talking and she said that I have changed by Drinking, drugs, and smoking....its not true though. I did use to have a probably with drinking when i lived in lewistown yes, drugs...I have never touched any type of drug in my life...smoking yes...I smoke. But thats not as bad as drungs and everyone that is her friend does a lot worse than I ever have! Its not right...I dont understand how people can talk about people like they talk about me. I am not a bad person. Another thing that she was about changing was isolating myself and that I was suicidal...I didnt disagree I know that I am and I have isolated myself a lot these past years...but I have reasons. I cant help that I am suicidal...and I cut...its not something that I cant contol. If I new someone that was suicidal I would try to help them and not treat them like shit. I hope that everyone here knows that they are slowly and painfully killing me, I am on the edge and about ready to jump off!!!! I so badly want to jump off because its getting worse and worse. Anyways...I guess I should go...love you guys and thanx for listening....Court

Dear Journal ,

Today is goin alright. It could be so much more better though. My mother seems to be cranky all the time, she just cant be in a happy mood. and she wonders why I am always pissed. Yesturday I was supposed to be able to go to a friends house to watch a TV show and I couldnt because I had to babysit. I hate babysitting my brothers. I am not the once who had the kids so I shouldn't have to take so much care of them. My mother is never home to care for them. Plus, when she is there she yells at them . I feel bad because I am the only mother figure that they really have....or atleast I feel that way. I tried so hard to think good thought of her, but its just so hard because she is never here for me. The other day we were at my grandpa's house and she was telling him about how good i m because I never ask for anything. Then the next day I did ask for something and she wouldn't even get it for me...I know that sounds really selfish, but for real...alyssa my sister is getting everything. My mom cant even spend 10 dollars on me, but she can buy alyssa a car and computer and whatever else she wants. Now I dont really think that I am being selfish. Plus, I do everything around my house and take care of the kids, but dont get anything out of it! Anyways I have to go, the period is almost over....thanx, Court

Dear Journal,

Its me again...well today is not good very good at all...I am getting pretty stressed out and its only noon. Just one thing before I start, if you think that I am just writting this for attention, please tell me. But just you let you guys know, if I was doing this for attention I would do it were people I know would look Okay, so anyways, 3 period (Biology) was awful, we are disected things, such as: Rat, fish, frog, work,, and sharks...there is more, but I dont remember at the moment. Anyways, I had to dothat that...it was so gross....normally I am not the preppy kind, but for that I am! Then lunch came...I hate lunch...I cant stand eating in front of people, I am to fat and do not want people to think bad of me because of what I eat. So someof the time I dont eat when everyone is in the room with me...I wait till they all leave so that its just me. Then, when I go home I have to deal with me mother and brothers. Well probably not my mom that much because she will ask me to watch the boys so that she can go out. So, I have to clean and take care of my brothers when I get home from 9 hours at school...almost nine, I think. Anyways, well thats how my day is going today...Tommorrow will be the last day I can write till monday...but I will fill you in tommorrow before the weekend and get back on Monday...Court

Dear Journal

Well today is going better than yesturday, just because most of my high school is gone to a track meet. So there is only like 20 kids here in high school today. I still am depressed though..I just dont know how much longer I can handle them anymore. I am so tired of there shit. I hate it. I wish I could just disappear. I would be happier that way. I know that after I move fighting with kids in school will be tougher because there is more people there. But living in this small town like I do now is worse because if one person in the school is mad at you, the rest of the school is mad. I am not even joking, thats how it is. Its not just that I hate the kids here, but they hate me to...because i m fat and not athelitc, nor close to being smart. I try to get along with everyone, but it doesnt work, because they just annoy me about how they talk behind there "best friends" backs the way they do. I hate that....i would never talk shit about my best friend. I just couldnt. Well if you have any advice that you can share, I am more then willing to try it. I just want to know how i could start to like them and get them to like me too! Court

Dear Journal,

I don't know what to do. I was born and lived in Oregon till I was about 10 years old. Then my mother decided that we were going to move to Montana. I have moved a lot since I have been in Montana though. I have lived in Denton, coffee Creek, and Great Falls Multiple times, Then I live in Centerville, Stocket, and Lewistown, each one time. For the past. Last year I moved to Lewistown right before I started high school as a freshman. It was going great I thought that I had a lot of friends. But I was getting depressed and needed some help that I just didn't get in time. My mom and I were fighting all time. One night, I had a break down in OverDosed on Tylenal. I was so sick, but I really wanted to do. After that she moved me back to Denton, where I was worse even before living in Lewistown because it is that small town so everything about everyone know's. Everyone here gets along great together, except me. I am not athletic at all. But here everyone thinks that you are a bad and horrible person if your not. I am not bad or horrible. I just dont like basketball or softball. I hated having a gym class because of it. Also in the town if you are a little over weight at all, your FAT. I am not fat though, I know it. I am adverage, but its hard to believe after everyone tells it to you. I cutt on myself because I want out of my life so bad. I think it would be better if I left this town/school. My family had a plan to move back to portland at the end of this year after my sister graduates high school. But in order to be out of here in a few weeks my mother has to go to portland to find us a house the weekend of my sisters graduation. So my mother wants my sister to watch my little brothers for the week since I will still be in school and cant watch them till school is out. But Alyssa my sister was a graduation camping trip that week, and I just cant miss anymore school. So anyways, My mother says that we cant move because alyssa is being selfish. I can not stay in this school of another year. I would rather die that stay here or go to school here. I refuse to. Well I am 16 so I could drop out...which is what I will end up doing if I stay here. Its just these people here make it miserable for me here. I cant take it anymore. Plus, my little sister and I need tharapy (She is ADHD and I just have a Servere Depression Disorder) which we cant get here because its so far away to get it.Anyways I have to go but I will get back you. Sorry If I come off to strong, love Court