Prissy

When someone let's you down, it's the worst feeling on earth.

When you're reminded of it, that's just like dying.

Why? ..Most of us want to know why that person did such a thing to us. Simple. Out of sight is truly out of mind. The easiest thing for a person that's embaressed or ashamed, or one that has a very low self-esteem is to exit. "Escapism". So they turn their back on the mess they made, and just walk away.

Where's Karma? Where's the Universal Law? Where's the Law and the Prophets? I guess I'll never know.

There's a lot I'll never know. It's not like you get to sit back and watch the movie. You kind of have to deal with it as it happens... to you.

So, six years ago, on this day, I married a guy that I fell in love with. We moved to Hawaii and decided to build a life together (at least I thought that's what we wanted).

Thinking about it right now, it's so odd the way I buried almost each and every memory of that horrible relationship. For a naive 24-yr-old that's far away from home life in Honolulu can be very scary. But I coped.

Four years into the marriage I accounted for all the warning signs, including the load of John's debt, and my health. Then I decided to rescue me and move on.

Move on I did. While divorce paperwork was on the back burner. During this time I met many a wonderful young military lad. There was this one particular one that I couldn't get rid of. He was always around, always dishing advise, always there... when I needed a friend.

I'd like to think he took a liking to me from day 1 that we met (which was February 07). Six months or so later, he began sharing with me of his intentions to buy a place and that he wanted me to move in with him. I think he didn't know what he was signing up for. I didn't either.

The divorce was finalized in Jan of 08. And I said yes to moving in with him. We've been dating for about 8 months now. We did survive a strong wind of issues, including my divorce and herpes, and we continue to survive smaller issues.

I believe my secrecy stemming from a humongous lack of confidence (a result of divorce-trauma) has caused my boyfriend (it took me a while to get used to referring to him as my boyfriend) to be wary of me.

And as much as he loves me, and I do love him back and more, I'm not sure about us. We're the oddest and at the same time the happiest couple I know. I'd be devastated if we broke up. I know he'd feel the same way. But chances are we'd just pick up and move on, and stay in touch with each other. Yep! We're never not every going to be best friends. And I pray, I do so very earnestly and sincerely pray that I can make all this man's wishes and dreams come true. Because he has been so good to me, eventhough I've not been completely honest with him.

This year our parents will get involved with this relationship. And soon, others that we individually know and care about. He's supposedly set to leave the islands in June of 2010 (2 years from now). So that's about how much time we have to make a decision. So let's see...

Maybe it's the solo piano I'm listen to that's getting me all reminiscent and remorseful. I just can't help thinking how sad my life has been. And I'm afraid I'm going to wallow a little.

Since I can remember I've always been unhappy. I was sick a lot when I was growing up. I always remember yearning to fit in with my peers. That never happened for some reason. I even remember wanting to hang out with Danny. And nice as he tried to be, he couldn't help going with the flow. I almost think it had to do with my being encouraged to be content with being a loner. Mom and Dad were just like that. They don't have any friends at all, not people that they see eye to eye with. Not people that they can sharpen themselves with. But then perhaps it's all an idea, a euphoric glance at someone else's life. Maybe it's just not real.

So let's give it a shot at being ok with who I am. Who I've been for 30 years. This girl that was good at sports, academics and music as long as she was cheered on�(by a very significant individual). I see a trend at work, and at home now. Ideally I would want to be unshakably content. It's understandable to have some insecurities. Or maybe I just need to Boo Hoo and Poor Me for a little while each time it happened. And then move on. But that would only be appropriate in the confines of the nest. The place I called home. At this time, that's Ryan's appartment.

Where are all these thoughts coming from? I think they've been underlying for a while. But tonight's events definitely triggered a bit of a personal emotional outburst.

Just like Allison, many others have questions about where I'm from, and why I don't have a stereo-typical Indian accent. I really think I need to prepare myself before some rendezvous. I am who I am. I look the way I look. I speak the way I do. There is nothing that can change that. I can't take a class to change that. I don't hang out with many Indian girls or guys. So that's that. And why would I change to accomodate someone else's unanswered questions. I will educate them about my upbringing, and leave it at that. That's the only thing to do. Then they can decide if they want to be friends or not.

As for Ryan. His part in this is apparent for the moment. Time will tell if he's into me for the long run. Or not. I can only hope. Because I am falling for him. It's not like I don't guard my heart a whole lot. I let people in to sensitive places all the time. And it hurts sometimes. Especially since I'm only just now (at 30) learning to be comfortable in my own skin.

Personal Goals: I must say it does help to not procrastinate. At the same time striking a balance of not overcrowding my to-do list.

Oh yeah. Focus on others as people, not as critics or judges. They have what you need. And you have what they need. That's how it works with people. People need people. It's just 6 Billion of us on the planet. No other species that has equal relatability. There are finer details. It's not as general as it sounds. But that is the bottom line.

I'm going to stop this once and for all.
I really can't be open with people. It just seems like I let them in a certain way, and they end up giving me extra advise. It's more like, I can't tell them what I'm feeling or my perspective without coming across arrogant.
A few times it's happened where I I voiced my opinion and was soo scared it would backfire, but it really ended up being ok. And the other party seemed to take it well, they just needed a bit of time to process the information about me.
I gotta conquer my fear and step out there. And I gotta know it's not going to be a bother at all. It's just good old honesty - the best policy is what they say.

Ok, so tonight it looks like a jazz night and me time.
Maybe Robin will come over or I'll meet up with him or whatever.
He said he's getting smashed. There's nothing wrong with that, as long as I do what I want. I might just want me time. Just sit at Jazz minds, soak in the music and sip on my one drink.
It seems so hard to meet good people in Hawaii. But that's just what they say. I think I'll be alright.

K, time to take a shower and head out.

I'm definitely paradigming into some sort of new birth. A lot is changing about me. My likes, my dislikes, my tastes... Up until now it's been me piggy-backing offa the ideal christian or some kinda of a philanthropist. I think I'm turning into a realist. I still have my heart though. I don't think that will ever change. I can't be rude or arrogant for the most part, probably that's just like the next person. I'm still modest and don't know my own potential. And that is a good driving force. The fact that I might not be on everyone's A-list pushes me forward. That's not a bad thing, as long as it concerns work, co-workers and important relationships.

Here's somethings I need to change pretty soon: Research and change Car Insurance and Cellphone Service Provider. I also need to figure out the Post box.