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I really need time to explore my feelings with regard to the way things seem to be going with my Dad.

I've got two very separate stories going here. There is his: He's a grieving widower, trying to be a comfort to his stepchildren, and learning to face each day alone.

Then there is mine: I've been an outsider in his life, I've had to watch him raise�his�third wife's�daughter all the while knowing he wasn't there to raise me (even worse, my younger brother). I was alienated, on occasion, by his wife and he stood�by�her. I've held hope all�the while that someday�we'd be able to build a closer relationship, I never gave up.������ I KNOW my place: I totally sympathize with his loss and the loss of my step-sibs for the�mother. For them it is a very great loss - they are suffering and I respect that, and even feel their sadness. I also�grieve for a stepmom that had been good to me at times.

With that said, there is a glimmer of new hope for me. He said some very good things to me & Bear over our last visit.�He may be really understanding his daughter�is a VIP in his life and he should show her that he values that.

That should be a no-brainer but it hasn't ever been!�

I'm very optomistic, but cautious.�

right. ive been thinking, again. what do i want from my life..

what are the things that if i died now, i would regret i never got to do or achieve. i might go all my name is earl style on it and cross things off my list!!

i want to play music, properly!.. i do want ot travel see a few things. i want to be confident, be a real part of the group for once in my life! i want to do something that im not embarrassed about 2 days later for once.. i wanna be a doctor. i want to be someone who can discuss "issues" like they really care.. i want to shed my awkwardness hell ya.. i want to live my life to a soundtrack.. �i want to write a kick ass book and turn it into a kick ass film.. hmm i want kids that surely has to be a great thing. i really dont want to worry about this kinda crap

and you guessed it scrap all that, i just want to be in love.

ughhhh i just need something to inspire me badly.. something to be excited about

im such a sad ridiculous romantic bastard..

unsure where to begin.� so how do we go about this

At School!!
B
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despite faltering slightly on the south beach again last night I continue to plow ahead.� Frustration seems of late to be my constant companion.� Never have I been more convinced that the key to long term success is not giving up regardless of setbacks or plateaus.�

I just have to stay strong, but I may be going insane again. It is so hard. I don't even know what is happening. I fee like I am hanging over a a hill. I keep aksing mysefl wheather or not I did something wrong. I tried so hard and I got the worst. Nothing has a value to me that is greater. I am so hopeless and worthless. I can't stop thinking about it. I keep comming back to that feeling and it won't go away. I can't move on. I don't know if I can live this way.

Well I am here again.� I�said at the beginning of the year that I was going to go through a all over body makeover.

I joined Fitness USA and I�am on my way.� I am not attempting to diet but change my eating habits.� LOL�and yes I have failed at it...or maybe I shouldnt call it failure but ...well something else...because you see, I�am not�a failure....

I�would like to log my food and beverage intake on a daily basis.

Feeling good day.� Looking forward to the weekend.� Someone left a comment on one of my entries and I would like to say Thank You.

I created some decent public reads.� I will do more than seize today.� Today is a day to love yourself and someone else.

Just when you think no one cares for you, just when you think no one is thinking of you, and just when you think that your presence matters not to anyone....Wait!...you do matter, you do count, you are cared for.�

If you happen upon this read, please know that someone loves you, and even if you don't feel it, so what, love on yourself!

I watched Dr. Phil last night and he had on people who had loved ones who committed suicide.� My mind went back some years.� I remembered how I used to feel.� How depressed and lonely I felt- and embarrassing enough I used to carry thoughts of suicide.� I am so not there anymore.

I love my life and its the only one I will receive, therefore I had better make the most of it.� I want my love ones to know I love them-in good times and bad.� I want my friends to know I love them.� I can't have regrets in my life.� Life is too short to be angry, life is too short to be pissed off.� Life is too short to try and to seek out revenge on those who have wronged me.�

I have to let go of the ideas of putting a size 7 shoe into a size 5 shoe or even a size 9 1/2 into a size 8.� When it does not fit it does not fit.� Yes you can stretch a shoe ..and make it work out but why?� Why

In looking at the Presidential debates and looking at the candidates, there should be something positive for a person who keeps their cool no matter what.

Who wants to be around a person who shoots from the hip and can't keep their anger in check?� Not me...

It's been a little but since the last that I've written. Life is a lot easier right now. I guess that Christy and I are back together for now. I know that it's the wrong thing for me to still be with her, but I am so addicted to her. And yes a little in love too.

She wants to keep sleeping with other people, but be with me. That's going to be hard to get used too. I am always wondering who she is with when I am not around. It's not as bad as not being with her, but it's still pretty hard.

It's only a matter of time before she leaves again, so I had better have fun while I can.

Ugh! I am madly in love with a boy who has a girlfriend. He is soooooo cute! I think he knows I like him. Anyway I am on summer vacation! WAHOO! I an totally out of the USA! I really want to make good friends on here so I accept all friend requests!

LOL and madly in love

ALeks 4eva

�Dear Journal,

�When you were little did you ever realize when you started living? When everything was happy and free. It was like a bird flying freely in the sky. How long is forever? How long can someone love you? I remember my dad. He would make me smile when i cried. He would lay down with me before the first day of school. He would spoil me with stuff when I felt disgusting. I wanna go back to where i felt comfortable with my family where it was quiet and safe. Where I felt what was like heaven? He left me and told me he was going on vacation. My dad is the kindest person you would ever meet. Yet, I never knew he had a dumb side. He lend this woman 80,000 dollars. WHICH IS THE STUPIDIEST FUCKING SHIT I'VE EVER FUCKING HEARD. My mom is struggling with money and i dont know what to do. My mom is like superwoman and thats what i admire about her. Yet she can be so weak. Back to the main problem. My dad lend this woman 80,000 dollars for what reason i have no idea. It doesnt make sense do you know what you can do with that money? HE DOESNT EVEN WANT TO SUE HER HE LET HER RUN AWAY WITH THAT MONEY AND SHE NEVER PAID HIM BACK. MY DAD IS SO STUPID BUT I LOVE HIM WITH MY DEAR HEART. Does he love me? i dont know. My mom asked him do you love that woman more than your kids? he didnt say anything I remember when he said briana i love you forever but im not sure now. He probably doesnt care about me and my sister anymore. He thinks im just his daughter from back then. You only have one life to live sweetie dont waste it. I dont wanna have to suffer like my mom. I dont want to live a life like my mom. And im holding back the tears and im scared. Im scared that Im not gonna have a good childhood. Geez its so hard my mom pretends everything's ok but it's not. My dad doesnt care about me i guess he never has I guess.. when he said I love you he didnt mean it.�Im so depressed and I cant even believe this. He doesnt even wanna give my mom money =[ I will surpass my mom I will. Im not gonna have a life like her. Im going to be a future psychologist. And I WILL GET MARRIED AND BE HAPPY.

Well, journal, I got this brilliant idea last night since I couldn't go to sleep.I figured that I could use you to as a sleep diary too.Soo...I've been awake now for 22 hours,30 minutes,& 56 seconds.On top of being really tired,I broke up with my boyfriend chris 2 days ago.It's kinda sad,but it's his fault.Advice to everyone:Insomniacs and people with anger problems do not mix!!!�� Me and Chris always got along well until it came time to go to bed.You see the problem with me having insomnia is the fact that I like to�walk around the house cleaning and everything else to wear myself out so I can go to sleep and Chris would get aggravated with it.�Well, the other night he was really pissed off for some reason and he got more irritated than usual with my antics and he hit me,so I kicked him out.Okay...so I have now been awake for 23 hours,34 minutes,&28 seconds.Well I g2g ttyl.

I got alot that I need to express, hopefully this is the beginning.� Sometimes when I bottle up innocent emotions they eventually turn into rage.� If not rage then stress, I feel the stress right now and its becoming over-whelming.� I think back to when I was 18, that was the most stress free time of my life.� I try to attribute what made my life so stress free at that time.� Cetainly it wasnt because of lack of problems, was it because I could release my stress out by smoking pot? �� Maybe, cuz now Im not "allowed" to smoke pot, if I do then the wife will leave me.� I have secretly gotten high, a few times, and I get so paranoid about getting caught by her that I dont enjoy it.� So, I just avoid it altogether.� I cant believe I gave that up for her.

Ive given alot up for her.� I have sacrificed friends, money, time...lots and lots of time.� Then she cheats on me.� I only found out in January, I still think about it everyday and wonder if I made the right decision to stay with her.� I think she guilted me into it.� I was never unfaithful, but she said that I was miserable to be around because I hated my job so much, she siad it made me a person she didnt want to be around so she started looking for that spark in other men.� the funny thing is, she doesnt admit to sleeping with the one guy that I found out about.� She claims that she only talked to him and that she cheated on me before we were married due to having cold feet.� But the guy i found out about, I actually called him.� He says that they slept together after we were married.� I asked why he would say such a thing, what motive would he have to lie to me, what would he gain out of it?� I cant think of anything, maybe if he werent married then I could see him lying to me so that the two of them could be together but thats not the case.� When I confronted her about it, she was gonna leave me.� I had to beg her to stay... go figutre that one out.� She cheats, then I beg her to stay.� Im basically giving her a license to kill.

Why did I stay with her?� Love, I guess.� i felt that i somehow was the cause of this.� that it was my fault she cheated, I still fell like Im the one to blame.� I know Im afraid to be alone.� I cant imagine dating again, especially now that im balding, over-weight, going grey, lost some of my teeth... at least when I was a teenager I was just over-weight.� At the time that was difficult enough, but looking back on it now, it doesnt seem so bad.� Im 27 years old and I look and feel like Im 70.� I fucking hope I live a very short life cuz I am not happy with it, and Im too chicken shit to kill myself.

What do I hope to achieve from this journal?� Some stress relief, get some things off my chest, that might help me to cope with day to day life.� I have alot of baggage, I have done some really shitty things and I have had alot fo shitty things happen to me.� they have been bottled up inside forever and they are eating me up inside, so I guess its time for a release, otherwise I know I will self-destruct.� For now though, the thing that haunts me daily is my marriage, until i can get past that i wont be able to explore the past.� Hopefully this helped me a bit.� Maybeone day i will get fed up and finally do something that makes ME happy for a change, rather than putting everyone ahead of myself.