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Had an ortho appointment today. Braces tightened. It never hurts that annoys me makes me think that they not doing they job.grrrr.

Trying this out.

well im back in nevada and my brothers wont leave me alone...and the mutt is here... shes always here because my shes dating my brothers best friend who lives next door to us...who happens to be my crush...life and love suck...

dont you dare say anything justice or ill kick ur butt from nevada! im excited. you get to come visit next spring. momma even said shed pay for ur ticket. yay. and then if he hasnt broken up with her yet we can beat her up...either way we can beat her up. i dont like her and i know she dont like me.

well i guess some people dont like how i say tha word 'shit' in my entry's but i really dont care becuase i am not writing these to make people happy..im just tellin how my days go n then when i see my theripist fo my anger problems n shit i can just have her read tha shit i write n wont have ta talk much............

sooo anyways today after work i was jus chillin n shit n my man asked me if i wanted ta go ta his guys house n chill and i was like aight so he was all rushin me n shit n soo i get there and bang on his door and nobody is coming but i can hear them yellin inside sooo i was like aight and i called him n he didn't answer soo i called his sister and im like soooooo u jus finna let me stand in front of ur door fo another 5 mins n she started laughin n she was like gurl i aint heard nobody knock u at tha door n im like do i have ta kick ur ass n she opend tha door n she was like u gotta knock louder and i was like shit u no damn well if i pound on ur door yall finna think its tha police n really not pick up and everyone started laughin so i went up ta my mans room and his ass was still in tha shower n i sat on his bed with his lil cousin "miss thang" and we was talkin shit bout him and i was like he rushed me n he in tha shower im like i knew he was doin that n we watched some tv n shit and then he finally came out like in his boxers so i put my hand ova his lil cousin eyes n im like ugh u dont wanna see that n he looked at me like im dum lol n then sooo me, him and his other cousin "teddy bear" and i drove ta his guy house and on tha way he was talkin his shit soooo i slaped him n tha face and so he grabed tha wheel and made us swerve and i was like bitch dont make me beat ur ass n he like do it and ima crash ur shit, un button ur seat belt and run lmao and im like just wait till we get out this car.....so we get ta his guy house and he live with his women and she is like a animal freak ...we walk in and theres a big ass cage that is basically filling tha wall and theres a big ass lizard n it n then we went in tha living room, where tha pool table is and theres another freakin wall thats a cage for another lizard and then she got a big ass bird cage with a bunch of damn birds and then she has like a million cats..they like everywhere soooo im sittin on tha couch and shit watchin my man and his guy play pool and his guy is drunk n actin dum laughin at everything and his guy friend is ova there drunk off his ass to just talkin all loud and messin wit tha lizard bout ta get eaten n tha cats are like all climbin on me n shit n my baby lost..then mr teddy bear played and he lost and so it was my turn and i aint played in years soo like i hit tha ball 2 times and tha damn black ball went in and i lost soooo then my man and his guys was in tha kitchen talkin stupid shit that i dont wanna know bout and smoking ciggs and shit makin my eyes burn� and sooo me and mr teddy bear played a game of pool cuz we was bored and i won this time and thennn we drove back ta my man crib and kicked it with his family and watched some tv and did dum shit and jus was goofy and then i went home and now im makin some food n ima have ta try ta get some sleep soon cuz i gotta meet wit my student adviser guy bout pickin my classes for collage again sooo yes oooo and for that female that dont like my entrys this is for you.....SHITTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT have a lovely day

so iv got this boyfriend, james. god he's a dick. it was my birthday last week and he didnt get me nuthin. id struggled on my benefit money last month to get his present. and its so not a case of give-to-recieve he's my boyfriend for fucksakes! nothing not evena card. i'm skint he says. he's on double what i earn a week. fuck all. but somehow he has �200quid 2 spend on shagged nitro cars, and now he's managed to find �300 to buy a shagged Nova. funny that. he was skint 6 days ago on my bday, but he's�spent�500 frikkin quid since then. is�this just me bein pathetic? god he's a fucker. fuck him anyway..

iv got these friends...thats so not the right�word for them. there's these guys. (well 4, but the�4th doesn't count-i'll tell all at a later date) Ed, Luke and Andrew.�

Ed is my weed dealer. yes i smoke weed, so frikkin what? its fucking amazing. anyway.... i think im reading way too much into the ed thing. he does this eye contacty thing that makes me go....hhhhhhhmmmmmmm. he's gorgeous. nothing wud ver come of it. he's just nice to look at. ans sometimes he makes me think that i do his head in. i do that sometimes....annoy the ppl i like. i tend to blabber shite and not make sense.

Andrew. hhhhmmm. he's a tricky one to 'get'. he's from cyprus n he's a bloody charmer. twice he's made me fall for him. intentionally? idont know. he's so nice and i find it har to believe he'd lead me on on purpose. he knows i like him, he just kinda chooses to ignore that. i mean, he'll flirt n charm n be sweet but as soon as i'm like 'aaaawwwwwwwwww ur so sweet, can i keep you?' he's like 'arrrrggh'; and runs a mile. no ctually, its not like that at all. i think we both really like eachother, but we both kno itd never work. im a single mum of 2 with no cash no job, livin in wales�and an actual shit for a boyfriend. Andrew lives in london and has just passed his teaching course. a match made in heaven....? i think not. still, a girl can dream.

and Luke. Luke is the best friend of the guy number 4 i mentioned earlier. He's sweet. he's hot. he's horny. he's a rockstar. u kno wot actually...he's my perfect guy, and if he was single, and i was single we'd be sorted. if he wasn't best mates with guy number 4. and that is a big problem. god i wish luke was single. it'd all� be so simple.

but im not a cheat. i'll flirt all i want. but i wont cheat. not even with luke. fuck he's hot.

i want a birthday present

Wow, it has been a loooong time since I wrote. I have just been too busy to get on the computer, much less come on here. A lot has happened since the day I got my nose pierced. I broke my ankle 2 weeks ago, but it's almost better now thank goodness. And I also lost my friends. I guess it's just teenage drama but I'll let you know what happened anyway simply for the fact that I need to vent and I can't trust anyone else. I know you won't tell. lol So anyways, my friends have helped me with my stuff the past 2 weeks. Ya know getting around school and everything since I was on crutches and whatnot. So one of my best friends got a new phone. The next day it fell out of her pocket book and broke while she was helping me. Now, apparently, it's my fault. She has practically the whole school hating me and every one is calling me a b**** and saying I'm rude and blah blah blah. I have never gotten so many hate texts in my life! Well, I had an emotional meltdown at school today and I did the unthinkable-I cried. In front of everyone. And not once, but twice. I hate crying in front of people; it makes me feel so weak and vulnerable. Well, now I'm friendless and every one hates me. I didn't even do anything! I mean, I know people who are guilty always say that but I am honestly telling the truth! I. did. nothing. wrong. But, of course everyone blames me, the crippled. I always get blamed for everything! So, like, literally the whole school hates me. Every time I hobble by they whisper about me like I can't even hear them. But oh well. This too shall pass, and karma's a beast. They will soon regret ever giving me up. And if they don't then I didn't really need them to begin with. Right? I don't need them and their drama and their talking about people. I may be a "b****" but at least I'm a nice one. And I really do believe that I'm a good friend. Others might not think that but who cares? I'll eventually find some one who is a true friend; some one who is worth my time and my tears. I regret crying, I really do. I think they were tears of anger. I think I know why the loners at school are...well...loners. It is probably best to be a loner. At least you don't have to put up with anyone's bullcrap. But I am a Libra, a social butterfly. I just have to socialize or I will go insane! I just don't know what to do. I guess I will try to be a loner since no one wants to talk to me. Since I have become a leper. *sigh* Why do things have to crash and burn right when life is starting to get good? But maybe life wasn't getting good then, maybe it's getting good now. Maybe I was supposed to break my ankle so that I would open my eyes and realize (I rhymed heehee) that my "friends" were wearing a big fat mask the whole time. True, it does hurt. A whole year of friendship went right down the toilet, but maybe it's for the best. Like a quote by Publilious Syrus, "A friendship that can end never really began." Maybe our friendship never even began. So, I don't know what's going to happen. I'm gonna just go to school and hold my head held high and act like being hated don't bother me. Now that that little rant is over with I am gonna go read some before bed. Wish me luck and merry Christmas everyone!

Last Monday Mike text me & asked me if I was seeing anyone. I said no & he asked if I would like to do something. I said I would love to. He came over I made dinner, we played w/ Aleea, watched a movie, & we went to bed. We had sex 4 times that night & he seemed to search for me all night to hold me. He smiled & seemed so happy. I even asked before we did everything if we would be ok after & he said no. The next day we briefly texted each other by Thursday he said he didn't think we would work. I asked lets just date & take out time no preasure he said he didn't think it would work but also said he would think about it. Sunday I asked when I picked up AJ if he still felt the same. He said yes. After I got home I called him to talk & said I truelly believe we could make this work. He said he was more compatible w/ Mindy... The woman 3 days earlier he said was 1/2 the woman I am. Maybe I should move back to Rockford & smoke crack & then I will be more compatable. Our family is worth saving to me but not him. I dont know how to let go..,.. I do know I wont let him close to me again. I wont answer any text that remotely talks about us because it is nothing but a head game. I dont deserve that... I wish I had chosen a man that would put his family before anything to have children w/ He says we fought to much & doesn't thinnk it could have changed enough. Why not try? Better yet why the hell do I care. Why can't I move on &�find someone that loves me unconditionally. Does that only exist between parents &�children? Some much goes though my head. I cant sleep... I was finally getting better & told him I was happy. I guess he just couldn't let that be... I can't wait for the day that he comes back & I can look him in the face &�tell him no NEVER AGAIN!

Could someone out there please give me some helpful insight.� I just can't seem to get any better.� Depression just seems to get worse.� The night before I go to bed, I tell myself: I will get up early, eat right, do the things on my "to do list" but then I wake up, lay in bed and the day begins like the day before.� I don't have any "get up and go".� That doomed feeling takes over.� Then the night is here again.� I ponder about what the day brought.� Nothing as usual.� I get depressed and the whole cycle returns.� It is so lonely and frustrating.� I am living in my "own world"� and there seems to be no escape. Can I ever see or have a "real" life.� Or is this the best that there will ever be.� Could someone out there offer some words of encouragement or helpful criticism. Anything would be welcomed. uptowngirl.

Public test

So I'm not really good at keeping journals. Ever. But you know what people say. Writing things down can help you figure yourself out. So here I am, writing my first entry on probably one of the billionth online journal sites I've found. See, I'd keep a physical journal. Like a note book or something.�Except I happen to be a pretty messy person. So I'd lose it in about 3 or 4 hours. That's only a guesstimate though. So I doubt that anybody's actually reading this, but if you are, I suppose I should introduce myself...

�Well I'm not going to. So you should probably stop reading now if you were expecting some incredibly fancy summary of my life and who I am. If I already knew who I was, I wouldn't be here writing down rubbish and trying to "discover my real self". I kind of wonder if there's any sophisticated people on this site or if it's just a bunch of depressed people who want to complain�about their life and right dark poetry. I semi�scanned through the user entries and didn't really see anything too inspirational. No offence guys, but you really could vamp up what you're going to put on here. Sorry if I offend anyone, but I wasn't really expecting to have any readers by now.

Right now my sister is blasting some modern rap music that could possibly make my ears bleed while doing some weird dance that shouldn't even be legal. I sort of want to tell her to shut it off but I guess it'll be something else I can hold over her head later. On account that I have my camera taping the whole thing while she reamains completely oblivious. You probably think that everyone in Alaska rides caribou and dresses like Sarah Palin. Well, I wouldn't know. I don't live in Alaska, I just wish I did. I mean, who likes humidity anyways?

I have a whole theory about my future living in Alaska. Everything will be awesome because I'll never have to worry about frivolous things like sweat stains or frizzy hair. Not only that, but the girl to boy ratio in Alaska is like totally out of whack, so I would have no problem ever having a boyfriend. I mean, who needs a bunch of girls running around raining on my parade. I've found that girls tend to be totally annoying and way to complex for me to have anything to do with, and all they do is stab you in the back and then steal your boyfriend. Who wants that?

So I've decided I'm going to try and make this first entry here so long nobody will be able to finish it. That would be completely epic. I have found that lately there is absolutely nothing good in the theaters. Everything is rated R, which of course I can't get in to. They have police outside the doors to every theater, so movie hopping isn't an option. Oh and they require ID, it's totally whack. Anyways, there's no good movies that are PG-13. I don't know if the directors and movie makers realize, but there is a substantial group of people who range from the ages of 13 to 16. They are called "A large majority of most teenagers". I think I could easily say teenagers are one of the most influential groups in Hollywood. I mean, we decide what's what. It's cool to have like 2 or 3 good R movies in theaters, but seriously. The only movie that's not rated R is Shorts, which is rated PG. Which is pretty much like stabbing my eyes.

I mean, I don't know if they think we're completely niave nowadays or something, but we actually know a decent amount about sex and violence. I mean, it's not like we're all innocent little Catholic school girls who have the sex education of a 6 year old or something. And they think we can't watch violence because it'll influence us to like kill people or something. But we can't really get a hold of guns or anything. By allowing adults to watch violence, they're encouraging adults to go out and buy guns and murder their bosses or something. See? It's retarded. They think we're influenced by every little thing we see. If that was so, I'd be an Obama fanatic right now. But despite the medias effort at such I still completely hate the guy. Just because I watch someone kill someone in a movie (that is so clearly edited) doesn't mean I'm going to run out like a barbarian with a kitchen knife and slaughter the first person I see.

If I was influenced by everything I saw, I wouldn't ever have a clear idea of anything. I'd be surfing the web and run across an add telling me to go buy a goat. Then I'd be like "Hey I want a goat". Then I'd see another add that told me I should never buy a goat. Would my mind automatically change and I wouldn't want a goat anymore? I mean, our minds aren't that volatile?�I really don't think so. Otherwise I'd be running around looking like a giant ball of lard and screaming like Eric Cartman. But I'm not, and I'm a total South Park fanatic. So what are the adults getting at? I think they just want to deprive us of any entertainment.�

I mean, I remember when I was like 9 years old. I'd be watching something on TV, and then one of those ads would come on. It'd be like advertising some awesome product that a normal 9 year old would totally want, and then some number would pop up on the screen. And it'd be like call this now and get your (insert product here)! But not if you're not 18!�Then the add would end and you'd be left like "What the fuck?". Wondering how they could seduce you and then take it all away. That's just cruel. Perfect example of how adults just want us to suffer. Mwahahahahahahahhaahaaa...

Honestly this is just getting boring. I will now proceed to copy and paste this long, obnoxious message on several other sites. That's right, I'm a pandemic. You can't stop me. You're probably wondering "Is this the first site?�Or has she posted it on like 6 others before this?"...

No way. There's no way in hell someone actually read all this. Adios.

Why am I even saying bye?

It's such a perfect day that i dont want to stay at home :) But it's too late (: