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Have you ever been verbally slaughtered because of your beliefs? Do you feel like the whole world is collapsing on top of you? How about feeling like no one understands the situation you're in?

Believing in God is difficult especially in the times we are currently living. Sometimes, I feel like the whole world is against me because of that. But I have to remember that I'm never alone. And also, that life isn't a sprint, so I can take my time because the God I believe in is patient, merciful, and loving. And that He will always be waiting for you, even when you turn away from Him. He will never reject you, no matter how many bad things you've done. He DOESN'T need you, yet He cares for you more deeply than you'll ever understand. He's the only one that can fill the emptiness in your heart, and can give you hope in the midst of your worst storm. He can show you so much more than what you can see or understand at the moment. He is simply wonderful. =)

Isn't Easter supposed to be happy? I used to think so... but I ruined this Easter for everyone that I really care about. I went to church this morning with my bf and his family (mom, dad, brother, brother's fiance) and it was fine. I gave my bf his birthday present (a new golf putter) and he loved it. (My bf's birthday actually happens to be today too.. but I ruined that as well.) We came back to our apartment to relax before going to his grandparents' house at 3 for Easter dinner. The early afternoon was laid back and fine, we watched a couple episodes of the tudors (my new favorite show) and just enjoyed the day off. We left at 2:45 to go to his grandparents' house. I've been goofing off looking for new jobs and trying to figure out a career for after college, and I started telling him that my college education kind of seems like a waste so far. I'm in huge amounts of debt and I'm a business administration major because I have no actual interests or hobbies. I recently thought about becoming a Real Estate agent, which requires no college education, and I started telling him that I had (SLIGHTLY) considered dropping out, it just wasn't worth it financially. Instead of calmly talking to me about it, my bf yelled at me and told me I was smarter than that, and I need to finish school. He told me if I drop out then my parents "win" (they "predicted" that I'd never make it in life) and I couldn't let that happen. I just feel like my life is so worthless. Honestly, when I think about it, I think the reason I want to drop out of school is to give me a real excuse to be depressed so people wouldn't be so surprised if I eventually killed myself or did something stupid. I just want an easy way out. I don't want to deal with all the stuff life has thrown at me. I want it easy..

What I couldn't stand about this whole thing is just that he had to yell... Just like I have major issues in my life that need to be resolved, he needs to calm down his anger problem a little bit, but he won't admit he even has a problem. He told me he yells because nothing else gets through to me (true). But him yelling makes me cry. I told him I couldn't live with him next year if he keeps it up, and I got out of the car. He drove to the top of the hill and stopped and made me get back in the car when I got there. We argued for probably 20 more minutes outside his grandparents' apartment and I cried, and he got pissed, and I tried to convince him to go inside and pretend everything was ok -- he said no way -- and eventually he went inside and told everyone he was taking me home because we were fighting. He brought me home (silence the whole way) and then left to go back. He was crying a bit when he left.. he said he needed to talk to them (not me). Only problem is... his mom loves me to the point where she assumes everything is always his fault and I'm always right. She's lost her senses.

I have huge problems here. First: I'm bringing my drama-filled life into his family's life (ruining their Easter holiday, for example), and too much into his (ruining his birthday, always breaking down to him, etc). Second: I'm an emotional mess. He thinks I might be bipolar?�Either that or he says I'm just a great actress because I can pretend to be so happy some days, then just break down with emotion other days. Third: my boyfriend deserves so much better than the shit I put him through. He's never done anything wrong, and I take everything out on him. Every bitchy day I have, he sees the repercussions of that bitchy day. It's not fair, but I don't have anyone else to go to, to vent to. I'm thisclose to being willing to give him up so he can have a better life. He sure as hell deserves it. But he would be so heartbroken if we broke up. I would be so heartbroken if we broke up. But then my other dilemma.. I don't have anywhere to go if we broke up. And even if he went home and I stayed at our apartment, I don't have the money to pay for our apartment (and he paid for half of everything we bought for the place..). Neither of us can afford the place on our own. And I couldn't survive without him.. I would literally have no one. (Ok, not literally, but close enough. I don't have any close friends, just a bunch of semi-close friends. No one that I feel like I could turn to in a time of need though. Not like that.)

I don't know whether I should..

1. let him go (which would be putting his needs first, letting myself collapse, and hurting him so much)

or..

2. try to stick through it -- if he'd even agree (which would be putting me/us first, ensuring that,�selfishly, I would still have a place to call�"home", and still�hurting him -- look at my track record of hurting him, I hurt his feelings almost every other day)

Does anyone else think I probably need to see a shrink to sort out my issues and emotions? Anyone with experience (self or otherwise) think I�have some kind of disorder that could be making my up-and-down emotional roller coaster so much more fierce? Anyone in the Baltimore area know of a trustworthy psychologist/psychiatrist that maybe specializes in teenagers/family therapy?�Or maybe that's not what I�need? I don't know. Please talk to me..

�Yesterday I recieved a note from an old friend. We were friends all through Middle School when she moved here,but then it all seemed to change within these last two years. In our Junior year we were still hanging out an just not talking at school. Sadly now that we are seniors,she doesn't talk to me at all. Her boyfriend doesn't like her talking to me so she doesn't want to cause a fight with him by talking to me.

You see yesterday she gave me a note at the end of the day telling me that she wanted to be my friend, but she didn't want anyone to know about it. She kept telling me her boyfriend would get mad about it. That and we don't hang with the same group of friends anymore so she doesn't want her group or my group to know that we are talking. I am not allowed to text her unless we are in school otherwise I have to write her notes and talk to her that way.

I don't know how to respond to this at all. I mean we use to be good friends,but now that she has a boyfriend, she seems to good for me. That and her new group she hangs with hates me with a passion and I don't like them either. They just think they are better than the rest and they use to be some of my friends before we all hit high school.

I don't know if I should just go along with this and just stick to texting during school and writing notes back in forth or just give up. I don't feel like she can truely want to be my friend if she wants to hide our friendship. Please if anyone can give me some advice on this. If she makes a good point and I should just try and make this work or just stick with my gut and not give a care about it. Please if you could give me some advice let me know.

Thanks!

Ok well my name is Caitlin and I'm in the 7th grade. I don't have a big sis but a big bro. whos not very helpful. *lol* In grades kindergarden thru 4th grade a guy I am completely in love with was at my school and in my grade, too. His name is Alex. I have always had the same feeling when ever i see Alex. Except its gotten a little bit stronger. I start to shake if i see him or i get really really quiet. I have a "friend", Angel, (who I hate) whos mom sits me. Alex and Angel are like best friends but in fifth grade Alex transford. Sometimes Alex comes over Angel's house but all I can do is look at the floor the WHOLE time because im afraid that i will lock eyes with him and he might think im weird. I don't know if he likes me but everytime i say just one little thing to him then i start to shake like crazy! I want him to know but im too shy and im worried about what he would think, if he likes me and his response. Please help me!

*The Kewlest Dork*

How do you ever get threw life knowing u have done alot� of f****ing up!! i have sooo damn much ..like right now i amd trying really hard to stay sobor but i take it out on my man...he has� stuck by me when i was in jail he was all i had!! i didnt have anyone else i didnt feel like i needed anyone else either! but now its just i am not use to life this way its soo hard cause i amd use to drinking and being high and now its like how do you deal with life� when u have done the stuff so so long its like i am a different person its crazy but i am scared i am pushing him away� dont want that i really dont!! someone help me please!!

Cara's good stuff:

• showed her that turning away from me when I approach is hard work
• getting her to remember to respond to leg cues from the ground. Progressing very well
• she lowers her head on verbal command and pressure on the poll
• she collects like a champ...really light on the front.
• stands still for mounting from a fence
• lowers head for halter/bridle and takes bit really well
• really good with healthy feet...sore foot requires caution (she will pick it up but stomp it down)
• ghost leads perfectly except a little rough moving away from me without halter cues
• lounges well in both directions...still ignores whoa if loping or at a fast trot
• ties quietly

Cara needs work here:

• learning to stop on whoa at a all speeds
• move away sideways/turn without halter cues while leading
• get her softer with the leg cues
• supple her with a bit on the ground
• lots of one rein stops to control her speed...likes to go too hard
• butte, saddle her and ride her every third day
• habitually holds her head too high...need a martingale so she doesn't get pissed off with my constant reminders.

�

I wrote a really good and long�journal entry and then i accidently clicked backspace. AH!!!!!!!

Dear little hoes,

just to let you know,

he'll always love me first,

and you all last.

He's unfiathful,

hurting, unloyal,

and now my eyes are burning full of hate.

I wish he had done me some other way.

but see,

what does to me,

he'll do to you,

it took me six years to see,

that he'll the player-hater's fool.

Over and over i'm hurt,

and he's left me empty.

so now u can have him,

because i've got no sympathy.

GMAX Study tips:

For some reason I'm the only one,
who sees i can be me.
I'm screaming for some help.
will someone answer me?
give me answers that make sense,
because i need a chance to breathe.
give me reasonable theories,
listen to me please
i need you to understand me,
so please someone answer me!�

January 16, 2009

JUST ABOUT THE DAY

�� Well today was an okay day. We had people come to our school and talk about what engineering was. And I think I could really benefit from that. I think I would like chemical engineering. I'm really going to think about pursuing this as a career. I've been running after school so I canbe read for track, but I just couldn't today. I was way to sore.

�� It was pretty cold today. Around 20 degrees. That is really cold for Alabama. I HATE the winter time. I'm already cold all the time, and the winter just makes me colder. I just wish I was on the beach soaking up the sun. Man I can't wait until summer-time. I love going to my friends house down the street and just jumping in the pool with her. With all of our clothes on. It makes me feel worry-free.

Well, it is Friday night and I'm stuck at home once again. Nights like this make me regret the choices I've made. Maybe if I wouldn't have lied and snuck around behind their back, I could actually be somewhere right now. I just wish I could go back in time, and stayed at her house like I was supposed to. Like my parents thought we were doing. I never did any drugs, drank any alcohol, or had sex that night. I just wasn't where I was supposed to�be.�� *sigh*� "If Only, If Only" I told myself to stop thinking about what could be or could've been. I really wish I could though.

� Well this entry turned into something a little to personal... But I won't delete anything. It doesn't seem right...

-Karmen

As everyone is geting ready for skool i caint help but dread going back and seeing my crushes and my enamies but as much as dreading that im afraid that when i go back everything will change like my friends my feelings my heart my songs my personality i dont want that i wanna be thee girl i want 2 be and as much and as easy as that sounds some how every year i seem too follow some group insdead of my heart.As much as i wanna GO BACK TO SEE MY FRIENDS� i think going back is gonna hurt me more than anything cuz the guy i like will breaK my heart.

but mabey mabey this year wil be diffrent just mabey

death is harder for the living who've been left behind than on the dead who has been rid of all pain

She's back again. Back again to tell another tale. I can feel it. Its only a matter of time before I know for sure.�Who? well its this on girl who lives in my town. She broke my brothers heart after cheating on him with his best friend. Talk about Cruel!!! Well Im done here for know... ttyl

Okay, so it has been a while since I was on here. Like I dunno, aaaall summer. Haha. But yeah. I'm back. And I'm not happy incase you couldn't tell from the title.

You know how a few posts ago I was really happy because Alex was expelled and I wouldn't have to deal with him? Well guess who is back.�Alex obviously. I don't know if everyone was wrong about him getting expelled or if they let him back or what but there he was at orientation yesterday.�I, of course, was the first one of my friends to see him. And then we kept seeing him all around the school. Seriously FUCK�MY�LIFE. Why the hell does this have to happen to me. I personally didn't say a word to him but my friends did. I really hope I don't have any classes with him. If I do I am scared I will start liking him again. And I don't want to... FML.

Thanks for listening to my rambling. haha.

Emmahh.

(:

thank god. i swear, i think i would die if it wasn't for the fact that we only have 5 more days to wake up. i can handle that. :). one more day to wake up this week and i am completely okay with that.

well, i guess i'm currently married to my crush, and he's spreading that around :) haha. whatever. i really hate that i like him, because he's GAY!!!! wtf? how do i fall for a GAY guy? i dont understand it... i guess maybe it's because he's become one of my closest guy friends... man, i like him, and i'm going to try the trick that mrs. miller taught us about the pupils, i'm wondering if he'll use it on me, because he knows that i like him... :)

well, i'm gonna go, i'm hanging out with emmah and allen.

Peace. :D