I'm going to start writing poetry again. I used to for�a long time. I'm hoping it will be as therapeutic as it used to be. Well here is one that� I wrote a few days ago. It doesn't really have a name.
No, Everything is not okay
Everytime night turns to day
I pray
"God let me die today."
I can't change the way I feel
People are trying with just a little pill
It all just makes me want to blurt
"God, stop making me hurt."
I know I have Jesus in my heart
Which means we'll never part
But I just don't feel him with me
Maybe they lied and he really left me.
God, if you left me, hear my cry
Please come back before I try
To take something that isn't mine
To take my life one last time.
I need some feedback, Please.� That is, if you want to. I can be short or long. You can tell me it sucks if you want to. Just give me something to work with.
I tried to kill myself on March 20th, 2008. Obviously I failed since I'm writing this. I overdosed on hydrocodine, tylenol pm, and tons of sleeping pills. After an overnight stay at the hospital they transported me to a mental hospital, where I have been for the last 15 days.
I wish it would have worked. I wish I could go back and take more than I did. I hate feeling like this. I hate my mind thinking of ways to hurt or even kill myself.
�������������������� I HATE EVERTHING ABOUT ME!!!
Goodbye.
I went on a trip with the Grace Baptist Church's youth group as a chaperone and I had the most amazing time.� My favorite part of the whole trip was when we volunteered at the Homeless Shelter. We had chapel with them and it amazes me that people that have nothing and don't even know when their next meal will be, still praise God through it all. That kind of faith is strong, and I wish�I could say that, in that situation, I would do the same, but I just don't know. After chapel we served them lunch and then cleaned up. That whole trip was absolutely wonderful. It couldn't have been any better than it was. (Well, it probably could have, but it would have been hard to be.)
I think I'm going to leave. I haven't decided if I'm permanently leaving or if I'm just going away. I know that I can't stay here.
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plansto give youa hope and a future."
God, I sure hope so. I can't live like this anymore. Right now I'm not sure I want to live at all, but I think you have a purpose for my life Lord. Please reveal you plans to me God, and give me the strength I will need to follow your plans. God, I know that you don't want your children to suffer and right now Lord, I am. The pain seems almost unbearable. God I pray for everyone who is facing the same situations as me Lord. I lift them up to you, and God I pray that you make their pain fleeting. God, I pray that you don't let any other person get to the place that I havebeen lately. God, help me out of this. Give me the strength and courage to face this. I know you want to here for a reason, so God please reveal the purpose you have set for my life. Amen
I need someone who will just let me sit with them and cry, and the only thing they'll do is listen. Some of you on here are helping more than you know, but it's not the same as having someone next to you hugging and rocking you while you cry. I need this. I need Mrs. Melinda. I know she would let me just sit and cry. Actually, she would probably cry with me. But, she doesn't know my story. I don't want to burden her with it.
I try to be happy. I honestly do. Then I think about what happened, and different things that have happened throughout my life and then I just can't. I used to be optimistic. Or at least I tried to be. Now my mind can only see the negative. I don't understand. I know that people tell me that its depression, but I wish it would just all go away. I try to be a happy person, but it's hard to be something you're not.
Makes me wanna jump out the highest window,
Swallow all those pills.
Makes me wanna cut the deepest, I've done before.
All because the pain you caused,
But what keeps me from doing it all...
Jesus
Take my hand.
Please take my heart. And
Take the pain,
Don't let it hurt no more.
For a little while I felt myself being pulled away from pain and into something similar to happiness. But, only for a little while. I'm back in the rut called life again and it sucks. All I feel like doing is sleeping and crying. But, I can't sleep and I feel weak when I cry. One time when I was upset about something, someone I was close to made a joke about me crying and it really hurt. Now everytime I cry I think about what they said and how much it hurt.
I hate my life.
...
How I feel... ............................How I wish I felt...
ANGRY ....................................APPRECIATIVE
BRUTAL ..................................BALANCED
CRY..........................................CARING
DRAIN......................................DELIGHTFUL
EMPTY ....................................ECSTATIC
FRAGILE.................................FUN
GUILY......................................GUILTLESS
HATE.......................................HAPPY
IMPERFECT ...........................INVINCIBLE
JAGGED ................................JOYOUS
KAPUT ...................................KIND
LONELY .................................LOVELY
MASSIVE ...............................MAGNIFICENT
NEBULOUS...........................NICE
OBSOLETE ..........................ORANGE (favorite color)
PAIN .......................................PRECIOUS
QUESTIONABLE..................QUIET
RECONDITE ........................RARE
SECRETIVE .........................STRONG
TEMPORARY........................TENDER
UGLY .....................................UNDERSTOOD
VAGUE...................................VICTORIOUS
WEAK ....................................WONDERFUL
X-TREME...............................X-TRAORDINARY
YOUNG..................................YOUTHFUL
ZONKED................................ZANY
I'm taking a little bit of advice from some unknown friends. I got tickets to one of my favorite music groups for March 15th. I'm going all by myself. I think this is the first thing I've been even a little happy about in a long, long time. I'm on the floor, 14th row. I actually didn't spend a fortune on the ticket either. I like Newsboys a lot. I like Rush of Fools too and they're coming with them. I'm finally doing something for me.
Why is everything so complicated?
Why not anybody but me?
Then again, I wouldn't wish this type of pain on anyone. The feeling that one minute you are okay, then your mind starts to reel and brings back memories and all of a sudden it feels like you just jumped off the highest building in the world and you're about to hit the ground.
What would I be like if none of this had happened to me? Would I be happy? Would I be able to sleep? Would I still wake up every morning wishing I hadn't? Would everything be okay?
Why is it that the people who tell you they are there for you, end up being the first to leave your side? Or at least it feels like it sometimes. I need them to talk to me sometimes about it. When I first told them they said they would be there for me. Now, I need them to prove it. I need to know that I can talk to them about it. I need someone to talk to. About everything.
I feel the pain getting heavier. I don't understand how it does that. Why can't it just all go away? Maybe I'll just have to make it go away, once and for all...
Youth Of The Nation Lyrics Last day of the rest of my life I wish I would've known Cause I didn't kiss my mama goodbye I didn't tell her that I loved her and how much I care Or thank my pops for all the talks And all the wisdom he shared Unaware, I just did what I always do Everyday, the same routine Before I skate off to school But who knew that this day wasn't like the rest Instead of taking a test I took two to the chest Call me blind, but I didn't see it coming Everybody was running But I couldn't hear nothing Except gun blasts, it happened so fast I don't really know this kid Even though I sit by him in class Maybe this kid was reaching out for love Or maybe for a moment He forgot who he was Or maybe this kid just wanted to be hugged Whatever it was I know it's because [chorus:] We are, We are, the youth of the nation Little Suzy, she was only twelve She was given the world With every chance to excel Hang with the boys and hear the stories they tell She might act kind of proud But no respect for herself She finds love in all the wrong places The same situations Just different faces Changed up her pace since her daddy left her Too bad he never told her She deserved much better Johnny boy always played the fool He broke all the rules So you would think he was cool He was never really one of the guys No matter how hard he tried Often thought of suicide It's kind of hard when you ain't got no friends He put his life to an end They might remember him then You cross the line and there's no turning back Told the world how he felt With the sound of a gat Who's to blame for the lives that tragedies claim No matter what you say It don't take away the pain That I feel inside, I'm tired of all the lies Don't nobody know why It's the blind leading the blind I guess that's the way the story goes Will it ever make sense Somebody's got to know There's got to be more to life than this There's got to be more to everything I thought exists
I'm still alive, for now... and hopefully for a while. I got really down the other day. I got closer than I ever had before. It's a little scary thinking about it. When someone asks me about the future it's hard for me to answer because most of the time I don't know if I'll have one.
Sometimes I wish I would just die. Seriously, there are so many different ways that I can kill myself and it won't even look like suicide. People would just think it was an accident. I've thought about it a lot...different ways...when I would do it...would I write a letter...would I call someone right before and tell them why...who would I tell... A few times I've had it all planned out. But, then someone would surprise me and temporarily make me forget my problems. The real problem is that my problems aren't the type that just go away. They are always there, I carry it with me everyday. Sometimes I can't figure out why I'm not already dead. By some standards I should be dead. It would make it so much easier. I sometimes feel like I'm carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders. I carry with me the fact that my father molested me for about 5 years and until about 2 months ago, I still lived in the same house as him. The fear that I felt everyday and every night, even after it had stop, was unbearable.. And still is... It has some type of hold on me and won't let go. I feel myself slipping deeper and deeper, until soon there won't be any deeper than a 6 foot grave.
Exodus 19:1 - 21:36
It's amazing because this weekend we were talking about things that get in the way of our relationship with God, and today's daily devotion talks about idols and the things we do that distract us from God. In today's passage there is the Ten Commandments. The first one being, "Do not worship any other gods besides me." This weekend at retreat I decided to give up most of the television shows and things that I had been watching. I would like to be able to completely give up watching tv but for now giving up the bad shows that were teaching me that it's okay to be like the world is sufficient. I've given up the shows that I used to think I would die without watching. I haven't died yet. I have already turned my music over to God, now I have turned the television over. Homer Allison, the speaker and the retreat, was very in your face, but I loved it. I liked that he didn't skirt around the truth. He knew what God said was okay and he taughtwhat God said wasn't okay. If you ever have the chance to hear him, he is one of the best speakers I have ever heard. He's amazing. He encouraged us to tell our "Jesus Story" and even gave us a chance to get rid of the negatives in our lives that distract us from God.We were all given a square tile. On that tile we were supposed to write things that are blocking our relationship with God. We were supposed to write the things we wanted to break away from. When we were finish writing, we were to go to the pond and throw the tiles in. We were giving it away 3 times. The first was when we prayed about it. The second was when we actually threw it away into the lake. And the third was when the water washed the tiles clean. I think that is amazing to think about. When I threw that tile into the water I felt a burden lifted. Not the whole burden, but a part that I thought I would never get rid of.
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