auxilary25's Journal

 
    
24
Mar 2011
12:52 PM CST
   

O Dear


I’ve done the unthinkable. I’ve become someone I don’t recognize and I’m scared of what I’m realizing. Perhaps all along the problem was me. Maybe my relationships failed because of me. Maybe I was cheated on because I didn’t appreciate the person I was with. Maybe my hidden commitment phobia pushed the people that love me the most to the edge. All this time I cried tears that I provoked. I expected to be loved by people that maybe I didn’t truly love, just for the sake of being loved. I kept people close so that I wouldn’t be alone, my backups. All the while I was incomplete, but better that then empty. If I think love doesn’t exist it’s not because I’ve never truly been loved but because I’ve only loved one person who is now dead. It’s horrific realizing I’m the monster. I’m the disease that has poisoned the people that loved me. I was the curse. It hurts when it ends because I wasn’t loved, because I wasn’t enough to be fought for, because I was unmasked.
Sex, never understood why women write in articles how once you are done with meaningless sex you want to get out of there, pretend it never happened, cry. Yesterday it happened. While I was kissing him, while we worked our way up to the point of no return, I kept telling myself “No! Stop.” BUT I kept going. I felt alive; it was a rush, a blank state of mind, peace, desire, etc. I didn’t stop him, I didn’t push him away even when deep down inside I knew this was wrong. He wanted to be held, and I did, but it was to help hide the tears that I was desperately trying to hold back. How can this feel so good yet so wrong? I’m single! I wish it wasn’t with him yet I’m glad it was. I wished it was someone that isn’t here. The one my heart belongs to right now. The one that was my best friend but is barely that because I pushed him away. The one that deserves better than me. I wanted to call him but I can’t because he’s in Aghan. So many years, why didn’t I realize how much he meant to be BEFORE he left??? Why didn’t we embrace the opportunity when it was here? Did I really push him away or did he realize he didn’t want me after he said too much? Was it a moment thing and now he regrets it and doesn’t want to break my heart? What do I even feel? I know I miss him, there’s not 1 day that I don’t think about him. I want him to be happy. I want my phone to beep with a message from him. I want him to hold me. I want him to tell me he loves me, that I’m the one for him. I want to be sitting in front of him watching him blush and smile at me while we are having dinner. I want to tell him everything because he’s the one person (Alive) that I can tell anything to without being judged. Is this normal? How can I possibly feel this when we haven’t even kissed? Am I making this up, in love with the idea of love? Or was I in denial all along? I was always jealous when he spoke to girls romantically but I’d get over it because I never in a million years thought we could be together. How could it be? We live far, what if he realizes he doesn’t love me after I’ve fallen madly in love with him? What if karma gets me back? This is why I push him away, because what if the one person I love doesn’t love me back? I wish he’d push down every wall I put up. Just show up at my door, tells me he loves me, take my breath and heart away. That’s my dream. If it’s not him, I’ll eventually find the one that will put an effort to break down my walls and love me. Or the one I won’t put walls with. God I wish he was here, hopefully soon. Hopefully we’ll at least stay friends, hopefully more. 7 more months, less than a year, it’ll fly and he’ll be home. He’ll come back to me, I hope.
������������������� I can’t undo what I’ve done. I can’t erase what happened yesterday. I’m just saying let it be. Allow life and my heart to guide me. He knows my heart is in Afghan & he thinks he has leverage because he’s in Miami, but he doesn’t. I don’t need “XX” here to think of him, to want him to love him. I will think of him no matter where he is and until I hear the words “we can only be friends” I won’t open my heart to anyone else…or I fall in love without noticing. My heart is saved for him. Always has been. I just wished I would’ve realized earlier. I had from Kindergarten till now but well, this must be the best timing for us. Maybe I think I feel something I don’t. Maybe when he gets back, one kiss will seal the deal to our future.
�
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10
Sep 2010
4:40 AM EDT
   

Back to Sqaure One

After everything we had overcome we're now back to not speaking to eachother. The court was on Wednesday and the only way I could get get the judge to understand why I don’t feel comfortable with time taking the baby is by saying everything that happened including him kicking the dog. Contrary to his belief I didn’t say these things to be vindictive and screw him. I did it because I want him to get help and realize that abuse is not fine even if it’s just with a dog at first. You get used to the idea of hitting something when you get mad that’s defenseless and perhaps one day you cross that line with a loved one.
�
I’m sad because the judge ordered us to communicate. We have parenting classes we need to attend together and a DRs visit to discuss the formulas she needs to drink and the changes that will take place if the court approves unsupervised visitations. He’s supposed to visit her every day, I sent him a text asking him to coordinate with me that I’ll back off and give him space to be with her alone either in her room or the room downstairs but he didn’t respond.
He kept texting me the day before how much he loved me & missed me. He wouldn’t walk out on us but now because he didn’t get his way in court he’s going to have a temper tantrum and stop talking to me? I get it; I ended things the day before and told him how much better my life is when I do not love him. This is because every time I open up to him I find out he’s lying somehow and it tortures me because then I jump to the conclusion that everything he says is a lie.
I really don’t know what else to do at this point because we have a daughter together. I didn’t MAKE him do those things. I didn’t force him to kick the dog, I didn’t force him to drive fast, park, and get off leaving me in the car…so why get mad @ me for saying the truth??? Doesn’t he realize that at least I’m not inventing these things??
I’m leaving it in Gods hands. We’ll see if he eventually comes around like before.
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10
Sep 2010
3:01 PM EDT
   

Disappointment

I'm disappointed in you. I really believed you changed and cared about us. I thought u wanted to be a father and a part of her life regardless of us being together. I believed in you when you said you loved us. Believing in you was my mistake.

I wish you'd see that I'm not trying to hurt you, I'm not ur enemy I really do love you. I wish you'd help urself and heal your mind so that you can be a part of our daughters life. I wish things could go back to how they were when we were happy.�

God knows why things happen and nothing in life is a mistake. If you leave, if you don't look back then it's for the best. One day I'll find happiness and that man can be a wonderful role model for our daughter. Although you have ur issues u are her father and I'd hate for you to lose that bond and connection. I wish this was easier and she could have her daddy to run to...if only her daddy loved her to get help.

Dear God,

Please heal the wounds that this separation has caused us and our families. Please God light the path towards restoration and peace. May we survive these hard times to have a stronger bond even if it's just a co-parenting relationship. Please wash away the anger, resentment, and any evil thoughts that ruin the happy moments. Please God only you have the power to heal him. If it's ur will just think it and he will be healed forever. Please drive out the demons that cloud his mind and prevent him from finding his way to a life in Christ. If he finds his way to You, God I know he'll never do harm again because anyone who has God in his heart has a conscious to do good. Please let Ur will be done and if it's Ur will for us to go through these hard times and separate then so be it God.

I love you, strength me, and I will try my hardest not to fail you. But I beg You bring peace to my family and the families of everyone in this world.

God is love.

Amen <3

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05
Sep 2010
9:05 PM EDT
   

"Do you not know that a little yeast has its effect all through the dough?" –1 Corinthians 5:6

I lost all peace in the past months because I lost connection with God. Instead of praying and turning to Him for guidance I decided to take over the wheel and try to navigate my life towards the path I thought was best for me. I was prideful and thought that I knew it all, I know what's best for me.�

The answers to all of our problems can be answered through prayer. Rather than fighting with those that upset us and trying to change them in negative ways we should close our eyes and pray. Pray that we allow God to show us the way to turn this around, to touch the hearts of those that are hardened and are acting in ways that God would never approve of because they are hurtful.�

I'm ashamed of the many times I've argued back, I've been easily angered, I've lost hope because of the way that other people treated me. Their opinions don't matter, what matters is that God approves of my actions. What matters is that I make God happy & proud in everything that I do. What matter is that I apply what Jesus taught us in my day to day life.

Moving forward, I'm going to try and be that little yeast that has an effect through the dough. I will be good, positive, peaceful, sympathetic, calm, patient even when I'm facing a battle in hopes that my change will eventually touch the hearts of my enemy and guide them towards a path that leads to a relationship with God.

God, I'm sorry I failed you and I promise to try to bite my tongue whenever I want to say something mean and nasty because I"m hurt. Instead of crying and saying "why me" I'll pray for those that hurt me. I'll pray that you touch their hearts and they find your love because when they do they'll stop hurting me and everyone else. The love that will flow from them will be beautiful because it's a love that comes from You and nothing can be more perfect. I love you God because of the endless opportunities You give us. I have much to learn and I hope that even though I stumble I make You proud when I stand up and find my way back to You.

Please bless all the readers on this forum. Listen to the silent prayers in their hearts and reassure them that everything will be ok if they turn to You even when it seems like all hope is gone. Bless everyone in the world so that one day we can all get along, help one another, find eternal peace, and live in this world as you intended us to from the beginning.

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05
Sep 2010
7:44 AM EDT
   

Losing m sanity??

I've reached the point where I no longer know what's right, wrong, real, or an illusion.

I've lost total peace in my life and I've put the blame on my ex a million times instead of looking at myself to see how I contributed to the problem.

I need my space, I need my time to breathe, to reflect, to collect and I can't find that. I feel like a complete addict right now. I give him up because I know that being around him isn't good for me. It's not him, it's me. I react in ways that I shouldnt, I allow things to upset me. I get upset over his comments or lack of involvement. It's my lack of self control that's actually hurting me not him.

Yesterday when we were at the mall so he could share time with our daughter I tried to barely speak. I was there but not there because I don't want that contact, I don't want the communication. I need to heal these scars before I can allow myself to speak. He doesn't get it, he says something is terribly wrong that why wont I talk to him. He's sad, his eyes get watery and he wants to know why I won't hang out with him longer. I leave...I'm free...but then I do the unthinkable!! Like an idiot I call back because I feel guilty, I know he's home alone this weekend and he was looking forward to hanging out longer.

We go to dinner...and it gets worse. I find out that his mother is going to the trial this Wednesday and that just sets off every possible restraint I had. I laugh and say "wow you criticized me for involving my family yet here you go taking ur mom to our private matter." His response is this is revenge for involving everyone, I haven't changed one bit. He stops feeding our daughter which pisses me off because she has absolutely NOTHING to do with the argument. She has no fault in this, we can't get along then fine, but she shouldn't be punished for our communication issues. Then he starts telling me that no one is going to put with me (he has to repeat this 3 times) that good luck to whatever guy comes after him and if I really think that guy will stay around after he sees how I really am. That I have severe issues and I can't see it. I bite my tongue and don't respond because I don't want to add fuel to the fire. We aren't going to agree, we're both going to point the finger so let's breathe and let this go.

I ask him to continue feeding her and he says only if you say please....PLEASE!!!???? She's UR daughter too!! You're fighting for your visitation rights...you're� requesting 50% custody because you adore her and u want me to beg u to feed her?!!!!! I tell him no worries and I ask the waitress to pack up my food to go. I try feeding her but now she wants to play. he leaves. He leaves us there.

At night he texts me that things were going great and now look it's ruined. He enjoys spending time with us and I don't know how to have fun anymore. I have problems and I can't see it. I text him....I call him this morning...

I can't I can't I can't. I need to get away from him but I can't. I become a person I don't recognize around him, my peace is sucked away. Why?? Because I know it's over so that makes me bitter. The fact that he isn't willing to come to my home makes me bitter. The fact he chooses his mom over our daughter, over me makes me extremely bitter. The fact that he professes his love for me, tells me how much he misses me then says we can only be friends torments me. I know that if I stop talking to him it'll break my heart at first but I can finally disconnect from him...move forward and move on with my life. Work on myself, healing my wounds, learning how not to alow situations like these to get me down, focus on school to provide for our daughter and then one day open up to the idea of dating if I think I'm ready.

I don't know anymore if I'm really the problem here and he never was?? Am I really such a terrible person that I also bring out the worst in him and that's why everything went wrong? Because I'm unbearable and controlling? Because I wanted too much from him and didn't let him just breathe and make his own decisions?? Because I was too attached to him? Maybe I really just am not the commitment type person...all along I'm thinking that I can handle serous relationships but I destroy them...IDK what to think or believe. Idk what to do.

What I do know is that if after Wednesday if he does get unsupervised visitations I no longer will have to hang out with him on weekends...that will help reduce contact (even tho we see eachother @ work)...and then maybe just maybe I can move forward and not answer the calls when he calls me....or respond to his texts when he mesages me or call him. I can't no more!!!!!!!!!!

IDK if I'm being punished somehow for something I've done in my past. How can I talk to him?? He's lied to me, keeps lying, and like a dumbass I go back. Gosh I'm pathethic..

I don't even think this is love anymore, it's a vicious cyce. I thought I'd be a stronger woman but aparenty when it comes to love I'm not!

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1 comment(s) - 03:41 AM - 09/06/2010
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03
Sep 2010
5:12 AM EDT
   

RUN!!!

Denial & False Hope drove me to my heartbreak. The entire time I repeated to myself, to him, that we could only be friends I was secretly hoping that we’d become more. There is no one to blame here. I knew when you told me you loved me and that you didn’t want anyone else that when all was said and done things couldn’t work out. I knew this. I continued to talk to you, get close to you, go out with you, respond to your messages knowing that I was setting myself up to feel anger and resentment again. You have every right to worry about your happiness and if being with me don’t make you happy then so be it. In the long run we’re only hurting ourselves if we live in denial. My only problem is that you made it seem like you were willing to work past all of our problems. You made it seem like you’d go back to therapy. That you weren’t talking to anyone else and that I was the only person for you yet all the while I kept feeling that there was someone else. You denied it until you were blue in the face. You accused me of being paranoid and inventing stories in my head and I questioned my own sanity. I couldn’t believe that this was becoming an obsession and leading me to such an extreme paranoia.
Then I saw a message on your phone from a number that wasn’t saved. I saw it and u deleted it fast. You denied that such message was ever on your phone that it must’ve been a wrong number. You asked me why am I creating things, what’s wrong with me?? I again questioned my sanity. Could I be so traumatized that I’m creating things to sabotage any future relationship we might have??? But then you admitted that it what “nothing” which meant there was “something” that you were classifying. You shouldn’t be saying it’s “nothing” to a person that doesn’t exist and never sent you a message I saw on your phone. Now you say that you always said we were just friends. That you love me but we agreed that we can’t get along (true). You even took off the key pendant you used to wear that symbolized the key you had to my heart and I have the key to yours. After so many times of trying to kiss me, hold my hand, call me frantically at night because you thought I was dating someone, texted me to please keep talking to you. Now you say that you’ll always love me but it can never be? Now, because you found someone new you pull away and don’t care about my feelings.
I keep going back to you; keep talking to you like a lost dog. If anyone could analyze me outside of this relationship they’d say I’m a strong woman that doesn’t take crap from anyone. I’m determined, very confident, and independent to the maximum. Yet with you I’m codependent. Aside from having a daughter I allow myself to be drawn back to the vicious cycle of us texting all day, you calling me at work all day, calling me at night. I do it. I know it’s all wrong, that I should stop. This will lead to no good, yet I do it. You lie to me right to me face; deny things and then it comes out that what you denied was true. How can I talk to you? You say it’s irrelevant if you’re talking to her but it is relevant. It’s relevant if you’re talking to a girl yet going out to lunch with me. It’s relevant if you’re texting me you love & miss me. It’s relevant if you’re trying to kiss me. It’s also relevant because she does exist and all this time you made me question myself, my gut feeling, and my sanity when all along you were lying.
God I want to run away just cut this connection we have. It’s so hard! It makes you feel happy and broken at the same time. Makes you want to smile, scream, cry, kick at the same tie. I’m filled with love and hate at the same time I feel like an addict, you are my drug. I know you are terrible for me, horrible. You don’t deserve me, the love I’ve given you. I carried your child inside of me for 9 months and you call me a monster, dirty. Yes, you apologize but still why talk to someone that calls me these things? I don’t get why I don’t move on, boy do I want to. It’s just hard now with me working fulltime, going to school fulltime, and having our daughter.
I need to do this, I need to see you as a bad habit, smoking. I need to give up the cigarettes but fully on my own because there isn’t an over the counter patch that can alleviate the withdrawals. There’s nothing I can take to control the overwhelming emotions that block my inner voice yelling “NO RUN” when you tell me you love me. Nothing can save me aside from God and I have a feeling this is a test. Learn to love and value myself and remove the impurities from my life, remove you. I have to or it’ll be the death of my sanity and my emotional well being.
What does it say about me that I keep going back? Why do I even though I know you’re all wrong for me?
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20
Aug 2010
5:18 PM EDT
   

Just Friends??? Seriously...Does that exist??


So we've been talking for 3 weeks now...we hang out once a weekend so that he can spend time with the baby and we text all day everyday. We've chosen to be "just friends" because we aren't sure whether we can get along. We know we LOVE each other but getting along is a different story. After we split our families were torn apart and now he doesn't want to talk to my family and vice versa.


He says he wants to see what happens and take things slow..Fine...but then he's texting me "I Love u," "I miss you" and gets mad if I don't say it back...he says I'm dramatic that just because we aren't a couple doesnt mean we can't say those things if that's how we feel. We wants to hold my hands sometimes when we go out and he'll give me a pop kiss...we made out one time but I had to stop it because I thought we were just trying to be coparents??? We weren't supposed to be more than friends?? Now he's kissing me??

He gets jealous when I get online...he still has my pics up on his myspace account. It's a very confusing process for me..I've tried hard to separate myself because I can't just be his friend while talking to him constanty. I wanted to marry this guy for crying out loud! With time I'm sure I'll adjust...he tells me "don't u see how sweet I am to u and how much I love you?"....He hates the idea of me talking to other guys or dating and has made it clear he has no intention of doing so now. If it happens along the way then it happens...

I don't get it...how can we be friends but say these things to each other??? He walks me to my car after work and calls me several times to check up on me...text me gnite & gmorning..skype @ night....it's hard because I feel that we are starting a relationship yet we aren't?? When we hang out it's for like 10 hours...I get home @ 2 am...He's made it clear we can't have sex @ all because he doesn't want to get more emotionally attached to me...


Can we seriously just be friends??? What is this? It's so hard because I was dying before without hm...I was full of hate. Now I'm happy when he calls I love how he's treating me yet I'm petrified because I know what he's like...I know how he acts when he loses his temper and I wish he'd go back to therapy...I'm hoping that if we keep being friends I can slowly convince him....He keeps looking @ himself in the mirror everywhere we go so I know that he hasn't changed. I see it...I know deep down he's the same guy who cared only of himself. He's bought only 1 pack of pampers in 3 weeks...2 dreses...4 pairs of sock...1 pair of sandals....big improvement so thank u God. I just can't wait till he starts contributing to half her expenses...half her food..milk..diapers...wipes...the basic at least. I've seen him with new clothes and shoes and that bothers me cuz it's like damn u tell everyone how much u love ur daughter yet u don't bust ur ass to provide for her. u have over 40 shirts for work..y buy yet ANOTHER ONE when ur daughter keeps growing and needs clothes that fits???

I'm trying to let this go but it stays in the back of my mind like a wall....I won't open the door to any relationship with him until he gets help, provides for our daughter...and truly starts supporting himself. I want him to get a career go back to school or something so he can earn more $$ I'm going to graduate soon and I don't want to be with a man that'll live off of me because he doesn't try hard enough...it's fine if I make more than him but he's got a good income to support our home too..I don't want to support his luxuries..I wil give our daughter and my mom my $$ he can spend his own...

W/e We'll see what happens...I just hope he's not using me to soften up the custody battle..
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2 comment(s) - 11:34 PM - 08/24/2010
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27
Jul 2010
6:31 AM EDT
   

Not what I expected....?


Yesterday you called me and told me that I didn't have to repond but that you needed to tell me that you loved me and your daughter very much. You sounded nervous when you told me, you hesitated before telling me and to be honest I had the feeling you were telling me this because you did something very bad that you knew I was going to find out about so you had to clear the air before the shit hit the fan. But that was it...that's all you said..No "I'm sorry" no "let's talk about this" no "I know it's going to take a while to redeem the trust you had in me but I'm willing to try because that's how much you and my daughter mean to me"....Nothing. I wasn't as estatic as I had hoped. I dreamnt that when you said those words to me again my eyes would get full of tears and I'd be the happiest woman alive but...No...
I was bummed in a way because I was expecting so much from this moment.

I tell myself that perhaps my expectations are too high that at least you called and told me this...that this is one step forward instead of one step backwards...but I just don't think that's really it. You ripped my heart from my chest, shattered it, as I as putting the pieces back together you ripped it again. So damn it...if when you were courting me you got me flowers EVERY week...if when you were courting me you had coffess waiting at my desk in the morning...if when you were courting me you sent me poems, teddy bears, beautiful drawings then this time you need to do that plus more! Why?? Because if you were really remorseful then you'd feel terrible for the pain you've caused me and you'd want to make it up to me...but of course now that I had your daughter you expect me to settle for the scraps you give me. You made the effort and you e-mailed HER at work..you approached her and initiated contact...so guess what??? Make the time now for your ex-fiance & the mother of your child.
Not only that, I send you a text after I said "ok thanks" and told you that this is something I'd prefer to discuss in person, that if you ever feel you want to discuss this with me to let me know. That I've invited you several times to meet me at different places so that you could see your DAUGHTER and you've never gone...if you wanted to you could've met me to see her and told me this to my face...but no you didn't do that...the man of my dreams would've...so maybe you aren't the man I fell in love with after all. What I can tell you is I won't settle for less. As much as I want to be with you I will not settle for anything less than true love and if an apology that is well deserved is too difficult for the "woman you love" then perhaps the love you have to give isn't the love my heart needs....
This is one step forward, I'll never lose hope. I'll keep hoping for the day you become the man I once loved but until then...I'm still angry at you for all the empty broken promises...and obviously that's not something you even care to heal.
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22
Jul 2010
3:43 PM EDT
   

HOPE?

So I didn't text you..I fought the urge but then you messaged me... Never give up hope because hope is all we have. Even if at the end u never change I can hope everyday of my life that you change for the better, that you open your heart to God, and that our family comes together again. I'll always love you...all I can hope is that you learn to love yourself. Once you accomplish that you'll lower your ego and realize that you are human...imperfections are normal and beautiful.

But I'm jumping ahead of myself...you messaged me...it means a lot to me...to my heart but I'll take it as just a message because IDK if this is a trick for me to lower my guard or because u really care.
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1 comment(s) - 07:47 PM - 07/22/2010
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22
Jul 2010
9:39 AM EDT
   

I'm fighting the desire to text u.. I see you when I go to the bathroom and pass by your desk even if you think I'm not looking I want to invite you to see your daughter yet again even if u are going to say no as you have for 3 months All of this I want to do yet I don't because I know you'll tell your mom and shell say don't respond. I'm suffering because u told someone you love me yet you haven't told me. I'm suffering imagining who you've been with or who u are with right now. I'm suffering thinking that I causes this I messed up. What did I do wrong for you not to chase me. Don't you love me? U gave me 2penguins because they have 1 soul mate and u said I was Yours. Yet look at how u show me love. This is torture wondering if and when you'll ever come back
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18
Jul 2010
7:06 PM EDT
   

Shinning Light

3 months we've been separated... 3 months I've cried after I kicked you out wondering if I made a mistake and was too harsh on you. 3 months is all it took for you to steal from me, falsely accuse me of credit card fraud to cancel debt, request a DNA exam on a daughter you know is 100% urs because we even went to work together, and you stopped talking to me even tho YOU made all of these mistakes...During these 3 months you're only contribution to OUR daughter's necessities has been 1/2 the monthly daycare as if our daughter ate air and use the toilet...hello what about formula, baby food, diapers, wipes, DRs visits, clothes, and developmental toys to help reach milestones???

You told my friend you wanted to reconcile...you told 2 other friends u loved me, missed me and wanted our family back but you don't tell ME! I get excited like a dumb hopeless romantic thinking that perhaps you've realized the mistakes you've made....PERHAPS our family will no longer be broken...PERHAPS you'd have a heart and show remorse... Perhaps you realized how much I love you...

Then when you know I found out you stop messaging me...when I send you pictures you respond 2 days later even though you have the e-mail on your phone....so I'm guessing there's someone new in your life to keep u occupied that now you don't give a fuck! I hate you for the hell you've put me through...from making my heart happy after I was already doing better without you. Now like a dumbass I'm checking my phone waiting for your messages yet just like before there aren't any...

Today our daughter is sick...I message you to let you know and your response is..."OMG THAT'S TERRIBLE"????? WTFFFFF!!!!!! You keep saying you are a loving father and refuse to visit her at my home because I kicked you out so u see her once a week for 15 min @ the daycare...You want to be a loving father but you don't ask what can I do?? do you need anything??? you don't follow up with is she doing better???? You don't ask if I've taken her to the dr...is she on medication?? NOTHING...so in conclusion if you show this much love for your daughter who is your own flesh and blood then obviously you have no space in your heart to truly love me..

Today I rip you from my heart...I'll pray God will work a miracle on you and change your ways but I won't wait around for that to happen...I will continue to HOPE for a brighter tomorrow for my daughter & me.
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3 comment(s) - 10:21 AM - 07/22/2010
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15
May 2010
12:12 AM EDT
   

I'm sick and tired of his crap....I'm tired of freaking caring when I know I shouldnt....Today he didn't even have the guts to text me he had OUR COWORKER respond...people think at work that I'm keeping him from seeing his daughter..NO he has a mental problem he needs to get help with..to top it off he denies she's his daughter and demands a DNA exam to stall the mental analysis. How can a person change so fast?? I hate us working together I keep sending my resumes and nothing yet..idk how to deal with this he looks at me everywhere I go at the office but then he has a coworker text me that he cares only about his daughter that other things are not "worth discussing"...he can't even fight his own battle with me..he isn't a man to face anything on his own....what was I thinking???? Why the hell doesn't my heart stop caring already!!!
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16
Apr 2010
3:32 PM EDT
   

Broken heart

Can anyone tell me...How do you get over a broken heart....How do u stop thinking about him....How do u stop caring...How can u make urself numb?

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5 comment(s) - 12:52 AM - 05/15/2010
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16
Apr 2010
2:16 PM EDT
   

Pain

So today I officially changed my status to single on-line.... I have to accept it's over. We have great weekends and everything is happy dandy then the topic comes up by him of infidelity and no matter how hard I try to bite my tongue I tell him he's wrong...his cheating is HIS fault..he can't blame me for it HE DID IT! But no it's my fault because he doesn't want to be around me so he turns to someone else..it's my fault that after having a c-section I needed HIM to build the play-pen....it's my fault that he wasn't there for me after I gave birth. I see him and he's a stranger to me my heart is on the floor broken and it keeps breaking even when I think it's shattered into enough pieces. Now I have to share my daughter.....he doesn't know if I'm a rebound from his previous marriage...after 2 years of being with me..wow. IDK whats wrong with me I know he's no good for me yet my heart somewhere in there wants him and doesn't at the same time. How can ppl change from night to day...he tells me I'm going to lose....but whose battling? All I want is the family I started....I got pregnant because I thought our daughter had two loving parents who would raise her together...my plan wasnt to find out I was cheated on 3 months after giving birth and getting blamed for it...my plan wasnt to be told that he loves me but can't live with me....we stop talking and then he'll text me that deep in his heart he has hope we'll be together...then we hang out and he says he doesn't know whether he can live with me.....how can love erase when u give birth?? The truth is he never loved me to begin with.....I'm so broken...I must smile and keep going for my daughter...so that my family doesn't worry but inside I'm screaming at the top of my lungs begging God to give me the strength to keep pushing when the going gets tough.
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03
Apr 2010
4:46 PM EDT
   

The Truth

����������������������The truth is Mike is never coming back. When he left and walked through the door no matter what I did in this world to lure him back he never was going to come back just like when Jose left and never came back. There was nothing in this world that I could’ve offered God for one more second with Jose again just like I can never offer Mike anything, not even myself to win him back to be with me. The truth is that I am a monster in disguise, my physical lures you in but once you see the real me all you want to do is leave. Mike is never going to come back; we are never going to be the people we were. The only memory I’ll have of our existence and our happiness are these pictures just like all I have of Jose are these pictures. I have something in me that makes mothers want to pull their sons away from me like they know I'm trouble. Mike never loved me and I have to accept that no matter what happens at the end of the day he’s never ever going to come home. No matter how many nights I fall asleep praying when I awake he will still not be here. I don’t know why I ever opened my heart up to the opportunity of everlasting love; I should have known that a man walking out of my life is my fate. My father did it and every other man after is gone. I am not enough to keep a man, I am not enough to be in a successful relationship, and the reality is that I’m a disappointment. Mike is never going to come home and that’s the root of my anger, my resentment, my pain. I knew all along that my fate was to be a single mom that gave her heart to a man that would never come back home.�I know that there is nothing that I can ever do to undo what’s been done. My life has slipped from my hands and once again I’m alone without love and have a heart to mend. I'm is once again unlovable.
����
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1 comment(s) - 07:01 AM - 04/04/2010
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03
Apr 2010
4:45 PM EDT
   

The Truth

����������������������The truth is Mike is never coming back. When he left and walked through the door no matter what I did in this world to lure him back he never was going to come back just like when Jose left and never came back. There was nothing in this world that I could’ve offered God for one more second with Jose again just like I can never offer Mike anything, not even myself to win him back to be with me. The truth is that I am a monster in disguise, my physical lures you in but once you see the real me all you want to do is leave. Mike is never going to come back; we are never going to be the people we were. The only memory I’ll have of our existence and our happiness are these pictures just like all I have of Jose are these pictures. I have something in me that makes mothers want to pull their sons away from me like they know I'm trouble. Mike never loved me and I have to accept that no matter what happens at the end of the day he’s never ever going to come home. No matter how many nights I fall asleep praying when I awake he will still not be here. I don’t know why I ever opened my heart up to the opportunity of everlasting love; I should have known that a man walking out of my life is my fate. My father did it and every other man after is gone. I am not enough to keep a man, I am not enough to be in a successful relationship, and the reality is that I’m a disappointment. Mike is never going to come home and that’s the root of my anger, my resentment, my pain. I knew all along that my fate was to be a single mom that gave her heart to a man that would never come back home.�I know that there is nothing that I can ever do to undo what’s been done. My life has slipped from my hands and once again I’m alone without love and have a heart to mend. I'm is once again unlovable.
����
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03
Mar 2010
9:17 PM EDT
   

Is it cheating?

Yesterday I found out the wonderful news that my fiance has been flirting via e-mail with one of our coworkers. They've told each other that they find each other attractive and that they turn each other on. They've been e-mailing each other for a week now..my fiance decided to end it because he felt bad.

I'm devastated because 1) he betrayed my trust 2)He did this at the office where we both work while I was on maternity leave;I'm going back to work in a week 3) they were sloppy so now ppl know that they've been emailing.

He keeps arguing that it was wrong but it wasn't cheating because he didn't sleep with her but to ME that's a form of infidelity. When you desire someone else other than the one u are with and u tell that person u desire them then u are starting the process of cheating....u are opening the doors for something more.�

I'm so hurt I'm with my baby girl and I kicked him out because he disgusts me. I've done everything in the book to spice up our sex life after the baby and because he was "bored at work" & "needed to feel wanted" again he justifies what he did...I think it's wrong what they did....they disrespected me and he was unfaithful to me...What do u think? How would u react? Is he right or am I right?
Plz Help@!
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4 comment(s) - 06:48 AM - 09/21/2010
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14
Oct 2007
7:03 PM EDT
   

Another sleepless night...yay!
Tomorrow is a VERY long day because I wake up at 4 AM to go to the gym & finish school at 10:30 pm. Tomorrow is very big for me because it is te revolutionary change of my lifestyle. According to the book Skinny Bitches I need to stop putting "junk" into my body and start getting back on track. My goal is to lose about 30 lbs...I'm 166 and I want to go down to 120 which isn't hard because tomorrow I'm starting to light weights again which makes me lose really fast :)
But it's a big day because I'm starting my "addiction program" which I admit I have an addiction to bad foods. I've never been able to go one week without eating ice-cream at least 1 day of the week or allowing myself a "splurge meal." Yeah those are good...but they usally are what causes me to end up breaking down and wishing to go back to my normal junk food consuming ways...so I've proposed myself a challege like those that ppl attending AA have...no eating junk food for 30 days. I know for a fact I'm not strong enough before that to even take a bite...I just can't...if I do I compromise my life. People don't know the dangers of eating junk food...cancers, colon damage, stomach damage...etc...these things don't sound too scary until u find out u have it..but I want to make sure that I never get there. I'm studying hard now...taking 18 credits exhausting myself with school work so that I can live a hppy life. I don't want for one day a doctor to sit my down and tell me that my life is going to hell because I decided to eat a freaking burger or chicken nuggets instead of lean unprocessed foods or fruits & veggies... I want my children to have their mom forever...and I want to live happy with my hubby :)

Well, I should get to bed now...hopefully this freaking tormenting headache will go away and I can get rest..

Nitey Nite
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1 comment(s) - 04:46 PM - 05/18/2010
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14
Jul 2007
11:10 PM EDT
   

Have you ever watched a movie where the woman keeps getting mistreated by a man but she always ends up running back to him?
This is what my life is like right now...my ex & I were supposed to be the best of friends once we broke up. We dated for 5 years until I finally broke it off. I loved him and I still love him with all my heart but the problem is I wasn't in-love with him. I tried so many times to tell myself I could change it...that if I tried to look @ all the positives my heart would flutter everytime he'd come around. Eventually I stopped wanting to kiss him or hold hands with him around in public. When we started dating things were "great" we were both happy...I thought I was in love but now I realize I was in need of companioship. I needed to feel loved & he was always there to ensure I was never alone.I gave myself to him 100% to make sure that he was always happy...I put a smile on my face and potrayed to everyone that we were the "perfect" couple.
Only, now is when I come to admit to myself that he was far from the "perfect" guy...I always said that I'd save myself for marriage or for the "right time" and with my ex I just wasn't feeling it. We had sex one time and it just didn't do it for me. After that I decided sex wasn't for me and we waited 2 years to have sex again. At this point the times we had sex it was REALLY painful for me. First he said it was because my body needed to "change" for me to be sexually active...so I waited yet no such change happened.
Then when I had a sharp pain on the right side of my pelvis he brushed it off and went slowly to "shorten" the pain I felt. It came to the point where his kiss and touch repulsed me. While we kissed I closed my eyes and tried to imagine a million other guys so that I perhaps could get in the "mood." We had to buy lubricant because I was always too "dry." He'd always ask me..."can you go down on me"...when I said no he started asking me "why do you not like the smell or something...I heard girls don't like the smell.." after that it became a survey to find out why on earth I didn't want to have his penis in my mouth...Can't you just respect "No!"
I know what you are thinking...why did you stay in the relationship? A) my family LOVED him...they all saw had us mentally wed already...B) I thought he loved me as silly as it might sound..but only now do I realize that when a person truly loves you they'll never cause you that kind of pain...
Then there were the times I cried because of the pain and he asked "can I finish..." How could I say no? I laid there waiting for him to see the pain in my face...the tears streaming down my cheeks and say "baby I love you...I can't do this to you...I'm sorry for putting you through this.." but instead he satisfied his sexual desires while I lost my identity.
Now when we talk about this he tells me that he's sorry..that why do I always have this hate towards him and I'm full of anger when I speak to him. That HE has suffered enough because he lost the "love of his life" and now has to see her in love with another man...
To top it off he cheated on me. When it happened I blamed myself for not giving my all to the relationship. I poured my heart out the entire night when I found all the letters they had written to each other. When he came over the next day I hugged him and told him everything would be fine. We didn't break-up...why?? Because I was afraid of being alone..I was off to a university and I needed someone to be beside me in this new place...
When I started pullig away from him..started hanging out with my girl friends my family criticized me..asking me how I could leave HIM alone...when he loves me. The day I finally broke up with him my family blamed me saying they were certain "I had done something to cause him to go away..." at that point I was scared because it seemed as tho my family loved him more than me.
I will finish this journal later...I need 2 rest for tomorrow....


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1 comment(s) - 09:34 PM - 11/08/2011
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12
Jul 2007
9:48 PM EDT
   


14!!!!
I am utter shock! I spent 14 hours straight studying for my tax exam!! My bf and I have practically moved in to the university library...we take lunch, dinner, and snacks so that we don't have to move from the perfect table we get to reserve @ the library when we go early...last night my head almost exploded when it was time to sleep I've been overstressing this exam and I don't know what to do. My prof showed us a preview of exam questions and needless to say this is the WORST exam I'm ever going to take. When we were reviewing the questions my PROF even had doubts as to which of the answer choices could be correct....if he works for the IRS and he doesn't even know which could be correct how can I???
In a normal 6-week summer course profs cut the amount of material they are covering so that the students can actually UNDERSTAND what is being discussed in class...my TAX prof feels that accounting majors should toughen it out and study our asses off...well each chapter is like 30 pages or more and the font size is 10! No pictures...no charts...nothing but pure tax....I'm supposed to read 6 chapters....which 6 chapters x 30 pages is 180 pages of size 10 font and actually know EVERYTHING by Tuesday.
Today I got a break from it all because I had a panic attack when we (my bf & I) arrived @ school. I started getting dizzy..couldn't breathe...my heart was racing and when I turned pale my bf refused to let me stay studying & brought us back home to enjoy the rest of our 5 month anniversary...
I'm so nervous....nervous for me and nervous for him..he needs the A in this class to get his GPA up so that he can get money for school...he's already decided that he's turning to his dad for money when next semester starts since his mom hasn't spoken to him for ONE ENTIRE WEEK ALREADY! This morning when I went to pick my BF up his dad came outside to my car, gave me a kiss, and told me how much he misses me. My bf says that the only person in that family that thinks I'm good for him is his father & since his father has had faith in me at the end of the semester he's going to show him his grades before we were dating and his grades now. That way someone will literally be able to see the changes he is making with me.
It's been really hard for him this week because he was so close to his mom, they used to talk about everything. Now when he comes home she doesn't look up to see him and when she's in the room upstairs she closes the door (when she used to leave it open for him or his brother to talk to her). But he says that he isn't going to apologize or make the gesture to fix this fight because for once he's happy with a girl and has brought her to be a part of his family and instead of being happy for him and embracing it they condone him.
I think there are a lot more comments that were made in regards to our relationship but he doesn't really want to tell me. Today he added that they think I'm in the relationship for the money the family has. She's a millionare (which I didn;'t know until today)...and since I take care of my appearance and always have expensive purses plus an AMerican Express credit card she assumes that the reason I'm dating her son is because he told me how much she's worth and I want a piece of the pie....I want HER money...yet I'm giving my bf money to pay for school that she refuses to pay....I'm eating home made sandwiches and spending on a budget so that I can help her son have some food everyday since she doesn't even give him a FREAKING DOLLAR and she has the nerve to say I'm a golddiger??
He cries everynight because he feels bad that he's put me in this situation..where he's depending on me so much..but he's promised me that he's going to bust his ass so that one day when we have kids (12 yrs from now..yes when I'm 35) I'll be able to stay home and enjoy them...My eyes got teary today because it was our 5 month anniversary and I know he doesn't have ANY money...not even a dollar and he went to one of my neighbors gardens and picked me some flowers so that he could at least give me something. I thought that the gesture was SOOO sweet because those flowers meant everything to him. I prefer those flowers picked with love over any card or gift that he could've just charged up on a card and bought without a meaning. ...and that's something I hope one day his mom will see...not for me but for him...because I know she means the world to him and he's waiting for her to come back to him...but if she doesn't stop condoning this relationship he'll never be able to forgive her...The good this is that we went by the church today after school and prayed for a bit. My bf is a big beliver and devote of the virgin...I saw him cry a bit while we were there and I'm glad because the visit was good for his soul..he was able to release some of the pain he's been holding inside..and I plan on making that a weekly activity...everyone needs prayer....it reminds you of all the good there is in this life

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auxilary25's Profile

  • Username: auxilary25
  • Gender / Age: Female, 39
  • Location: USA - California
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    About Me: I'm 21 years old and I'm a university student majoring in accounting. I'm in a relationship right now where I'm the happiest I've ever been in my life. I truly have no doubt in my heart that this is the man that I want to marry because he completes me in every way. My only problem in this relationship has always been my bfs past. My mind is always going back to his past and comparing the love he felt for them to the one he feels for him. My insecurity has led me to believe that I'm not his 1st choice that he's with me because his "love" left him behind...it was 5 years ago but still the thoughts are there..hopefully through journaling I can get this feeling out of my heart so that our relationship can get stronger.

    Interests: I love reading whenever I actually have the time. One of my fav authors is Jodi Picoult. I'm a big Harry Potter fan but unfortunately I haven't gotten around to finishing the last book eventhough I started a year ago.. I love my nintendo Wii and I can't wait for more games to come out. I love to work out 4 times a week because it helps me release my stress and feel good about myself.

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