auxilary25's Journal

Jul 2007
11:10 PM EDT

Have you ever watched a movie where the woman keeps getting mistreated by a man but she always ends up running back to him?

This is what my life is like right now...my ex & I were supposed to be the best of friends once we broke up. We dated for 5 years until I finally broke it off. I loved him and I still love him with all my heart but the problem is I wasn't in-love with him. I tried so many times to tell myself I could change it...that if I tried to look @ all the positives my heart would flutter everytime he'd come around. Eventually I stopped wanting to kiss him or hold hands with him around in public. When we started dating things were "great" we were both happy...I thought I was in love but now I realize I was in need of companioship. I needed to feel loved & he was always there to ensure I was never alone.I gave myself to him 100% to make sure that he was always happy...I put a smile on my face and potrayed to everyone that we were the "perfect" couple.

Only, now is when I come to admit to myself that he was far from the "perfect" guy...I always said that I'd save myself for marriage or for the "right time" and with my ex I just wasn't feeling it. We had sex one time and it just didn't do it for me. After that I decided sex wasn't for me and we waited 2 years to have sex again. At this point the times we had sex it was REALLY painful for me. First he said it was because my body needed to "change" for me to be sexually active...so I waited yet no such change happened.

Then when I had a sharp pain on the right side of my pelvis he brushed it off and went slowly to "shorten" the pain I felt. It came to the point where his kiss and touch repulsed me. While we kissed I closed my eyes and tried to imagine a million other guys so that I perhaps could get in the "mood." We had to buy lubricant because I was always too "dry." He'd always ask me..."can you go down on me"...when I said no he started asking me "why do you not like the smell or something...I heard girls don't like the smell.." after that it became a survey to find out why on earth I didn't want to have his penis in my mouth...Can't you just respect "No!"

I know what you are thinking...why did you stay in the relationship? A) my family LOVED him...they all saw had us mentally wed already...B) I thought he loved me as silly as it might sound..but only now do I realize that when a person truly loves you they'll never cause you that kind of pain...

Then there were the times I cried because of the pain and he asked "can I finish..." How could I say no? I laid there waiting for him to see the pain in my face...the tears streaming down my cheeks and say "baby I love you...I can't do this to you...I'm sorry for putting you through this.." but instead he satisfied his sexual desires while I lost my identity.

Now when we talk about this he tells me that he's sorry..that why do I always have this hate towards him and I'm full of anger when I speak to him. That HE has suffered enough because he lost the "love of his life" and now has to see her in love with another man...

To top it off he cheated on me. When it happened I blamed myself for not giving my all to the relationship. I poured my heart out the entire night when I found all the letters they had written to each other. When he came over the next day I hugged him and told him everything would be fine. We didn't break-up...why?? Because I was afraid of being alone..I was off to a university and I needed someone to be beside me in this new place...

When I started pullig away from him..started hanging out with my girl friends my family criticized me..asking me how I could leave HIM alone...when he loves me. The day I finally broke up with him my family blamed me saying they were certain "I had done something to cause him to go away..." at that point I was scared because it seemed as tho my family loved him more than me.

I will finish this journal later...I need 2 rest for tomorrow....

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1 comment(s) - 09:34 PM - 11/08/2011

auxilary25's Profile

Username: auxilary25

Gender / Age: Female, 39

Location: USA - California

AUXILARY25's Interests:

About Me: I'm 21 years old and I'm a university student majoring in accounting. I'm in a relationship right now where I'm the happiest I've ever been in my life. I truly have no doubt in my heart that this is the man that I want to marry because he completes me in every way. My only problem in this relationship has always been my bfs past. My mind is always going back to his past and comparing the love he felt for them to the one he feels for him. My insecurity has led me to believe that I'm not his 1st choice that he's with me because his "love" left him behind...it was 5 years ago but still the thoughts are there..hopefully through journaling I can get this feeling out of my heart so that our relationship can get stronger.

Interests: I love reading whenever I actually have the time. One of my fav authors is Jodi Picoult. I'm a big Harry Potter fan but unfortunately I haven't gotten around to finishing the last book eventhough I started a year ago.. I love my nintendo Wii and I can't wait for more games to come out. I love to work out 4 times a week because it helps me release my stress and feel good about myself.

Favorite Music: Ashlee Simpson, My Chemical Romance, Jessica Simpson, Daughtry, All American Rejects, Simple Plan, Plan White Ts...and the list goes on

Favorite Movies: Sweet Home Alabama, How to Lose A Guy in 10 Days, Grease, Crazy Beautiful, Beaches, What Dreams May Come, Dirty Dancing, Man on Fire, and Trison and Isolde.

Favorite Television: Brothers and Sisters, Desperate Housewives, Greys Anatomy, One Tree Hill, and FRIENDS!! Everybody Loves Raymond, I Love Lucy, King of Queens, My Wife and Kids.

AUXILARY25's Friends:
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