auxilary25's Journal

Good morning :)

Today has been GREAT for me because I got off to a good start. I missed cycling this morning but I didn't let that ruin my morning..instead I hit the treadmill for an hour and burned 500 calories :) yay me!! It felt sooooo good! I came home put the laundry to wash, cleaned the bathroom, and had a very healthy breakfast; my strawberry low fat soy shake, with an egg beaters omelette :).

I took out the chicken 2 defrost for dinner and left the potato wedges my mom loves cut up already to just be put in the oven for her dinner.

Now I'm off 2 bed to get my nap and then wake up @ 1 to hit the books until 7...

It feels so good to workout again!! My goal is to lose 15lbs..I've gained 5 since I started dating my bf :(so I want to go back down those 5 plus the 10 that I was missing..overall tho i've lost a good 20lbs so I'm really happy that I'm back on track...He'll be here in 45 min so we can take our nap together...I'm so happy he woke me up for the gym :) tomorrow it's pilates!!!!

Laterz!!

Parents = crazy when u start a new relationship. When I met my bf all he did was talk wonderfully about his family and the great relationship he had with his brother and mother. When I met them I instantly liked them and feltg 100% comfortable...but as time has passed I've been noticing or picking up a weird vibe from his mom towards our relationship. I feel that she doesn't believe that this relationship is anything serious and that marriage is far from our horizon. This is because his father the other day made a comment about us getting married and she got serious and shot him a look like saying "don't give them any ideas or I'll kill u" and also when we were chatting a few weeks back she said "who ever u marry will..." and that shocked me because she didn't acknowledge that there is a possibility that I will be marrying her son.

When I told my bf this is admitted to me that she's been complaining too much about the amount of time that we spend together. That how come everytime he goes to visit her it's with me...that everyone he goes I'm with him...and he's REALLY upset with her. He loves me and he's already told his mom that he's going to marry me but she isn't taking him seriously. We aren't doing rings right now because we are in our finaly year of college and we are on a budget but once we graduate and get our job we are buying the ring and moving getting everything moving. I don't understand what this lady has against me...I've helped her son in SOO many ways...he was expelleged from the university and I got him readmitted...I push him to study, helped him decide on a major, get his gpa up, excell in his classes, quit smoking, exercise, take treatments to cleanse his lungs, start paying off his debt, quit his over demanding job that he was unhappy with and go to school fulltime...Why can't she see all the positive things that our relationship has brought upon him?

Just a few weeks back she kept insisting that we take his cousin that was visiting to a club even after he told her that he and I are more serious couple that he doesn't want to take me to a sleezy club he wants to respect me. She said "u used to go clubbing before now that u're in love u can't go" and his response was "I already found what I'm looking 4 and I don't need 2 search @ the club we are better than that"...like why doesn't she get it? We are inlove with eachother..his father sees it why can't she? She's always telling him "are u stressed look @ ur face" trying to insinuate that our relationship is causing him stress and that's why he looks "tired"...I'm even the 1st girl he takes home on a regular basis..the girl he took b4 me he took once to fuck her but his mom made them leave...so I'm really the only girl his family has had a constant interaction with...what's her deal? I'm not hoochie..I'm preppy..I dress good..nails are always manicured..hair is always groomed...I'm always studying with him...never swear...what's her deal?? My bf says it's because now that he has me he doesn't turn to her for guidance anymore and that has made her upset and jealous because I fully complete him. This relationship doesn't have problems so he never has asked her for advice like he did with his exes. When he wanted to quit his job, geta student loan, or change his major he came to me and I helped him do it all...he never consulted her once and that makes her envious of me...idk..how could a mom be like that to her sons gf? Specially when he's declared he's going to marry her after graduation...

Why is it that parents think that because we live with them we aren't entitled to privacy???

Today I told my mom I needed 2 leave early from my grannys so that I could get rest and wake up early for tomorrow..she said "why what's the big deal what do u have going on tomorrow now that u have 2 wake up early." I said "Nothing" She said "what's the big secret"...I ignored her and kept on with my stuff...I was REALLY upset because FUCK can't I wake up early because I fucking feel like it? Can't I fucking do something in the morning without having to give her a fucking schedule?? To some of you who may be reading this you can think that I'm overreacting and that I simply should've answered the question specially when I'm only going2 the gym..but when u don't have privacy in ANYTHING u do automatically any little thing that is questioned irritates u and drives u up the walls!!

When I come home she asks me again "so whats the secret" there I start arguing with her asking what her deal is that she has to be nosy and can't respect my privacy.I'm going to the fucking gym..why does she have to ask a million fucking times??!!

As the hot water rolls down her body she tells herself that the steam surrounding her will melt away the tormenting thoughts in her head. Does he love me? Is he just with me for my money? Am I the greatest love he's ever had? Will he leave me once we graduate and screw up like all the other men in my life? Am I going to face another heartbreak now that I've found true love? Am I certain that I'm truly in love with him and that this isn't just the beginning hype? Will I ever be able to live a day without being friends with my ex? Why is it that I love my ex but can't fall inlove with him? Why doesn't the thought of his kiss or his touch appeal to me? Will we grow apart one day and become a faint memory like all past relationships? Can he survive without me? Have I abandoned him on top of breaking his heart by telling him I don't love him after 5 years? Have I made the right choice? Why do I still need him so much even though it's been 3 years since the break up? Why do we still argue like if we were a couple? Where did all the happy moments go? Why can't we spend a month straight without wanting to rip each other's throats? Why can't we go back to the days I felt he was the only man for me? When did I stop loving him or did I ever really love him at all? Why did I always focus on his flaws and think of everything he wasn't rather than everything he was? Why can't I let him go even though I know I'm not in love with him? Why can't I believe my bf when he tells me he'll always love only me? What will I tell my bf when we get married if I decide to stay living with my mom who is single? Will having children ruin my marriage as it does to 85% of couples? Will I be an unfair parent and show preference to one of my children over the others? Will I get a good job when I graduate? Will I be the successful person everyone expects me to be in life? Will I have a happy marriage as I always wished? Why is it that my mother never was able to be happy in her marriage? What will happen when we die? Will I truly get to reunite with my loved ones? If I'm scared of what comes afterdeath does that mean that I don't believe in God? Can someoen truly feel what I feel in my heart for them?

Will I ever get enough sleep instead of having all these thoughts in my head?

These past 2 weeks have been challenging but great. I finally understood what most people usually say...that if you remain calm in aconfrontation you have more chances of winning.

Last weeks I finally got the 1 on 1 with my mom and I released all the steam of the things I was feeling inside. I didn't argue or yell as I normally do when I lose my patience. I remained calm, counted to ten, and presented reasonable facts backing up why and what I thought was wrong. I thought it didn't do any good...but this past weekend my mom has done what my bf calls a "360 degree turn."

Finally releasing everything I was feeling really helped my relationship with my mom. It feels SO good to know that deep down all the arguing she really listens to what I have to say and it feels good to know that she's putting all her effort in making our relationship work.

I made a very brave move today...after much thought I decided to invite my molther to the movies. It's worth the shot specially since my mom is stuck home all day alone including weekends just sitting watching her TV. I know my mom LOVES the movies and when I was younger she'd take me every weekend to see like 2 or 3 in one night...so I might as well return the favor. Surprisingly the night went well...she really enjoyed the movie and seemed hyped at the idea of going out. She also DID NOT CALL ME afterwards when I went out with my bf. I didn't get home until 5 AM but still she did not call me once to find out where I was or when I was returning home. So I've decided that a weekly outing with my mom is necessary to easen the tension that has been causing me so much stress and agony in the past years and have intensified in the past months.

Today my sister told me something that truly opened my eyes and made me think. I asked her how does she manage never to think about the night that her boyfriend lied about his plans and went to the movies with 2 girls while she was out with me. How does she manage not to dwell or think about the fact that her boyfriends ex of 5 years called him asking him to marry her. Her response was simple, "I chose to love him and forgive him. If I were to keep living in the past we'll never make it so I wipe the thoughts away and think about all the things he does with me and not with them."

This is the same concept I need to apply in my own life "live today and not the past" I've been trying to figure out why is it that I can't get over my bfs past? Why is it that we always must argue about the same thing "his ex"? Why do I make her such a big deal in our relationship? The answer is simple, I want to be loved purely and truly. I want to know and feel that I'm the only "perfect woman" for the man that I am with. I want to feel as though his past relationships were the "illusion of love" and that this is the real love...because this is how I feel. I want to feel as if I'm uncomparable to any of them because in his heart they'll never measure up to me since I know my exes can't measure up to him.

Yes, my bf has givenup his life style and turned it around to dedicate himself to this relationship. Yes, I can see all the sacrifices he has made to make sure he is by my side everday for as long as he can be. Yes, I can see that he loves me very much and that I make him very happy BUT the problem is that my bf always compared me in small ways to his exes in the beginning.

From the first time he told me he loved me..when I asked him a few days later how he knew he loved me for sure he said " I know I love you because I chose you over my ex. She called me two nights ago telling me she wants to call off her wedding and marry me. Had it been any other moment I'd be on a plane to get with her and try to work " Yes, the thought is nice but if you think this statement through he's saying " I love you because now I realized that no other girl out there can complete me the way you do and the girl I once thought I loved I realize was nothing more than an infatuation or a phase." I mean he does tell me these things but THAT was the moment to really just let it in.

Secondly, he's always mention how sexing and tempting all his exes were that all his guy friends wanted to fuck them and he always had to be on the look out to make sure they didn't cross the likne. Yes, I love my body and my looks, I don't have a low self-esteem, and i know for a fact he knows this because he's always enraged when I go workout alone...he's seen how my trainer friends and guys hit on me BUT it would feel good to hear from my bf that I'm beautiful that he finds my body sexually appealing. I want to HEAR it not just know it.

I just keep it in and now I've let it go. What matters is that he's with me and he's never given up on us. I'm just scared one day he'll say "Sorry I thought I loved you but I've fallen for someone else" or "Sorry I tried to move on from my past but I can't" and he'll leave me with a tremendously shattered heart and a life without purpose. I guess my fears have grown from many taunting thoughts he's left in my head of his past. I can't even fuck him (me on top)..he's repeated over and over about all the girls he screwed in the Marines (this was when we were friends and we spoke of our past) and he loved the way the screwed him because they all knew what they were doing. While me on the other hand, I only had sex with my ex a few times and the times I was on top can be counted with my hands PLUS that was 2 years ago I don't even remember the rythm I had started to master. With him laying there starying@ me, expecting mind blowing sex orgasm after orgasm as he gives me I just freeze and my hips fail me. There's nothing worse than wanting to please your man but having all his exes mind blowing sex stop you becuase you feel you'll never compare.

I love him and this is for the long-run. I'm just overcoming an issue I have buried in my chest, one that taunts me, onee that lingers in at times saying "does he wish he was fucking someone else" or "is he tired of him always being on top yet." Yes, this is fixable and our relationship is strong enough to overcome it all. I know with time I'll get more comfortable with him in bed and at the right moment he'll guide the way and show me how to really please him as I wish I could. Together we'll explore eachother and I'll learn how to take our connection to the next lvel and I can manage to satisfy him as he does to me. About his past...I know one day I'll bury it. I just wished her name stopped popping up everytime she's finally out of my head. I wish his family respected me more and never mentioned her name infront of me to make me feel as if I am the only real woman that matters...

Yes, he made the mistake of answer her calls, making her feel superior because late @ night he still talked to "the ex.." He disrespected me not only to her but to his mother by allowing her to speak to his mom on mothers day..which is where he should've shown her how much I mean to him by giving me my place. Yes, he's blurred their "realtionship details" several times because he doesn't want me to get hurt knowing that at one time she was the love of his lfie as I am now. Yes, they lived together and he's already eperienced with someone else what I had hoped my husband and I could experience together. Yes, he thinks she's a "beautiful procalien baby doll that should've been a model." Yes, she's been a consisten part of his life even 5 years after they've broken up...speaking once a month even though they live on opposite sides of the US. But he's with me now and whatever happened between them is over. Even if a part of him may wish it would've worked out is mind and heart has been set on a relationship with me. He's given me 100% ever sine the day we had our talk, he even changed his number for me, so I won't let that go to vain. I'm the one he's with all day, I'm the one he texts before bed, the one he eats every meal of the day with, studies with, naps with, shops with, goes to school with. I'm his life now. What matters is what he does with me, how he makes things right with me, and not what he did with her. He's given me his all, I know he loves me, and I'll make sure to never give him a reason to stop. :) We're getting married one day and he's told ALL his friends and family about it and that's what counts..specially since they are all shocked cuz he ever believed he would find the one person he'd want to get married with...he swore to be a bachelor forever...guess life changes :)