auxilary25's Journal

I've reached the point where I no longer know what's right, wrong, real, or an illusion.

I've lost total peace in my life and I've put the blame on my ex a million times instead of looking at myself to see how I contributed to the problem.

I need my space, I need my time to breathe, to reflect, to collect and I can't find that. I feel like a complete addict right now. I give him up because I know that being around him isn't good for me. It's not him, it's me. I react in ways that I shouldnt, I allow things to upset me. I get upset over his comments or lack of involvement. It's my lack of self control that's actually hurting me not him.

Yesterday when we were at the mall so he could share time with our daughter I tried to barely speak. I was there but not there because I don't want that contact, I don't want the communication. I need to heal these scars before I can allow myself to speak. He doesn't get it, he says something is terribly wrong that why wont I talk to him. He's sad, his eyes get watery and he wants to know why I won't hang out with him longer. I leave...I'm free...but then I do the unthinkable!! Like an idiot I call back because I feel guilty, I know he's home alone this weekend and he was looking forward to hanging out longer.

We go to dinner...and it gets worse. I find out that his mother is going to the trial this Wednesday and that just sets off every possible restraint I had. I laugh and say "wow you criticized me for involving my family yet here you go taking ur mom to our private matter." His response is this is revenge for involving everyone, I haven't changed one bit. He stops feeding our daughter which pisses me off because she has absolutely NOTHING to do with the argument. She has no fault in this, we can't get along then fine, but she shouldn't be punished for our communication issues. Then he starts telling me that no one is going to put with me (he has to repeat this 3 times) that good luck to whatever guy comes after him and if I really think that guy will stay around after he sees how I really am. That I have severe issues and I can't see it. I bite my tongue and don't respond because I don't want to add fuel to the fire. We aren't going to agree, we're both going to point the finger so let's breathe and let this go.

I ask him to continue feeding her and he says only if you say please....PLEASE!!!???? She's UR daughter too!! You're fighting for your visitation rights...you're� requesting 50% custody because you adore her and u want me to beg u to feed her?!!!!! I tell him no worries and I ask the waitress to pack up my food to go. I try feeding her but now she wants to play. he leaves. He leaves us there.

At night he texts me that things were going great and now look it's ruined. He enjoys spending time with us and I don't know how to have fun anymore. I have problems and I can't see it. I text him....I call him this morning...

I can't I can't I can't. I need to get away from him but I can't. I become a person I don't recognize around him, my peace is sucked away. Why?? Because I know it's over so that makes me bitter. The fact that he isn't willing to come to my home makes me bitter. The fact he chooses his mom over our daughter, over me makes me extremely bitter. The fact that he professes his love for me, tells me how much he misses me then says we can only be friends torments me. I know that if I stop talking to him it'll break my heart at first but I can finally disconnect from him...move forward and move on with my life. Work on myself, healing my wounds, learning how not to alow situations like these to get me down, focus on school to provide for our daughter and then one day open up to the idea of dating if I think I'm ready.

I don't know anymore if I'm really the problem here and he never was?? Am I really such a terrible person that I also bring out the worst in him and that's why everything went wrong? Because I'm unbearable and controlling? Because I wanted too much from him and didn't let him just breathe and make his own decisions?? Because I was too attached to him? Maybe I really just am not the commitment type person...all along I'm thinking that I can handle serous relationships but I destroy them...IDK what to think or believe. Idk what to do.

What I do know is that if after Wednesday if he does get unsupervised visitations I no longer will have to hang out with him on weekends...that will help reduce contact (even tho we see eachother @ work)...and then maybe just maybe I can move forward and not answer the calls when he calls me....or respond to his texts when he mesages me or call him. I can't no more!!!!!!!!!!

IDK if I'm being punished somehow for something I've done in my past. How can I talk to him?? He's lied to me, keeps lying, and like a dumbass I go back. Gosh I'm pathethic..

I don't even think this is love anymore, it's a vicious cyce. I thought I'd be a stronger woman but aparenty when it comes to love I'm not!