auxilary25's Journal

Apr 2010
2:16 PM EDT

Pain

So today I officially changed my status to single on-line.... I have to accept it's over. We have great weekends and everything is happy dandy then the topic comes up by him of infidelity and no matter how hard I try to bite my tongue I tell him he's wrong...his cheating is HIS fault..he can't blame me for it HE DID IT! But no it's my fault because he doesn't want to be around me so he turns to someone else..it's my fault that after having a c-section I needed HIM to build the play-pen....it's my fault that he wasn't there for me after I gave birth. I see him and he's a stranger to me my heart is on the floor broken and it keeps breaking even when I think it's shattered into enough pieces. Now I have to share my daughter.....he doesn't know if I'm a rebound from his previous marriage...after 2 years of being with me..wow. IDK whats wrong with me I know he's no good for me yet my heart somewhere in there wants him and doesn't at the same time. How can ppl change from night to day...he tells me I'm going to lose....but whose battling? All I want is the family I started....I got pregnant because I thought our daughter had two loving parents who would raise her together...my plan wasnt to find out I was cheated on 3 months after giving birth and getting blamed for it...my plan wasnt to be told that he loves me but can't live with me....we stop talking and then he'll text me that deep in his heart he has hope we'll be together...then we hang out and he says he doesn't know whether he can live with me.....how can love erase when u give birth?? The truth is he never loved me to begin with.....I'm so broken...I must smile and keep going for my daughter...so that my family doesn't worry but inside I'm screaming at the top of my lungs begging God to give me the strength to keep pushing when the going gets tough.

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auxilary25's Profile

Username: auxilary25

Gender / Age: Female, 39

Location: USA - California

AUXILARY25's Interests:

About Me: I'm 21 years old and I'm a university student majoring in accounting. I'm in a relationship right now where I'm the happiest I've ever been in my life. I truly have no doubt in my heart that this is the man that I want to marry because he completes me in every way. My only problem in this relationship has always been my bfs past. My mind is always going back to his past and comparing the love he felt for them to the one he feels for him. My insecurity has led me to believe that I'm not his 1st choice that he's with me because his "love" left him behind...it was 5 years ago but still the thoughts are there..hopefully through journaling I can get this feeling out of my heart so that our relationship can get stronger.

Interests: I love reading whenever I actually have the time. One of my fav authors is Jodi Picoult. I'm a big Harry Potter fan but unfortunately I haven't gotten around to finishing the last book eventhough I started a year ago.. I love my nintendo Wii and I can't wait for more games to come out. I love to work out 4 times a week because it helps me release my stress and feel good about myself.

Favorite Music: Ashlee Simpson, My Chemical Romance, Jessica Simpson, Daughtry, All American Rejects, Simple Plan, Plan White Ts...and the list goes on

Favorite Movies: Sweet Home Alabama, How to Lose A Guy in 10 Days, Grease, Crazy Beautiful, Beaches, What Dreams May Come, Dirty Dancing, Man on Fire, and Trison and Isolde.

Favorite Television: Brothers and Sisters, Desperate Housewives, Greys Anatomy, One Tree Hill, and FRIENDS!! Everybody Loves Raymond, I Love Lucy, King of Queens, My Wife and Kids.

AUXILARY25's Friends:
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