auxilary25's Journal

Jul 2010
6:31 AM EDT

Not what I expected....?

Yesterday you called me and told me that I didn't have to repond but that you needed to tell me that you loved me and your daughter very much. You sounded nervous when you told me, you hesitated before telling me and to be honest I had the feeling you were telling me this because you did something very bad that you knew I was going to find out about so you had to clear the air before the shit hit the fan. But that was it...that's all you said..No "I'm sorry" no "let's talk about this" no "I know it's going to take a while to redeem the trust you had in me but I'm willing to try because that's how much you and my daughter mean to me"....Nothing. I wasn't as estatic as I had hoped. I dreamnt that when you said those words to me again my eyes would get full of tears and I'd be the happiest woman alive but...No...
I was bummed in a way because I was expecting so much from this moment.

I tell myself that perhaps my expectations are too high that at least you called and told me this...that this is one step forward instead of one step backwards...but I just don't think that's really it. You ripped my heart from my chest, shattered it, as I as putting the pieces back together you ripped it again. So damn it...if when you were courting me you got me flowers EVERY week...if when you were courting me you had coffess waiting at my desk in the morning...if when you were courting me you sent me poems, teddy bears, beautiful drawings then this time you need to do that plus more! Why?? Because if you were really remorseful then you'd feel terrible for the pain you've caused me and you'd want to make it up to me...but of course now that I had your daughter you expect me to settle for the scraps you give me. You made the effort and you e-mailed HER at work..you approached her and initiated contact...so guess what??? Make the time now for your ex-fiance & the mother of your child.
Not only that, I send you a text after I said "ok thanks" and told you that this is something I'd prefer to discuss in person, that if you ever feel you want to discuss this with me to let me know. That I've invited you several times to meet me at different places so that you could see your DAUGHTER and you've never gone...if you wanted to you could've met me to see her and told me this to my face...but no you didn't do that...the man of my dreams would've...so maybe you aren't the man I fell in love with after all. What I can tell you is I won't settle for less. As much as I want to be with you I will not settle for anything less than true love and if an apology that is well deserved is too difficult for the "woman you love" then perhaps the love you have to give isn't the love my heart needs....
This is one step forward, I'll never lose hope. I'll keep hoping for the day you become the man I once loved but until then...I'm still angry at you for all the empty broken promises...and obviously that's not something you even care to heal.

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auxilary25's Profile

Username: auxilary25

Gender / Age: Female, 39

Location: USA - California

AUXILARY25's Interests:

About Me: I'm 21 years old and I'm a university student majoring in accounting. I'm in a relationship right now where I'm the happiest I've ever been in my life. I truly have no doubt in my heart that this is the man that I want to marry because he completes me in every way. My only problem in this relationship has always been my bfs past. My mind is always going back to his past and comparing the love he felt for them to the one he feels for him. My insecurity has led me to believe that I'm not his 1st choice that he's with me because his "love" left him behind...it was 5 years ago but still the thoughts are there..hopefully through journaling I can get this feeling out of my heart so that our relationship can get stronger.

Interests: I love reading whenever I actually have the time. One of my fav authors is Jodi Picoult. I'm a big Harry Potter fan but unfortunately I haven't gotten around to finishing the last book eventhough I started a year ago.. I love my nintendo Wii and I can't wait for more games to come out. I love to work out 4 times a week because it helps me release my stress and feel good about myself.

Favorite Music: Ashlee Simpson, My Chemical Romance, Jessica Simpson, Daughtry, All American Rejects, Simple Plan, Plan White Ts...and the list goes on

Favorite Movies: Sweet Home Alabama, How to Lose A Guy in 10 Days, Grease, Crazy Beautiful, Beaches, What Dreams May Come, Dirty Dancing, Man on Fire, and Trison and Isolde.

Favorite Television: Brothers and Sisters, Desperate Housewives, Greys Anatomy, One Tree Hill, and FRIENDS!! Everybody Loves Raymond, I Love Lucy, King of Queens, My Wife and Kids.

AUXILARY25's Friends:
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