auxilary25's Journal

Sep 2010
5:12 AM EDT

RUN!!!

Denial & False Hope drove me to my heartbreak. The entire time I repeated to myself, to him, that we could only be friends I was secretly hoping that we’d become more. There is no one to blame here. I knew when you told me you loved me and that you didn’t want anyone else that when all was said and done things couldn’t work out. I knew this. I continued to talk to you, get close to you, go out with you, respond to your messages knowing that I was setting myself up to feel anger and resentment again. You have every right to worry about your happiness and if being with me don’t make you happy then so be it. In the long run we’re only hurting ourselves if we live in denial. My only problem is that you made it seem like you were willing to work past all of our problems. You made it seem like you’d go back to therapy. That you weren’t talking to anyone else and that I was the only person for you yet all the while I kept feeling that there was someone else. You denied it until you were blue in the face. You accused me of being paranoid and inventing stories in my head and I questioned my own sanity. I couldn’t believe that this was becoming an obsession and leading me to such an extreme paranoia.
Then I saw a message on your phone from a number that wasn’t saved. I saw it and u deleted it fast. You denied that such message was ever on your phone that it must’ve been a wrong number. You asked me why am I creating things, what’s wrong with me?? I again questioned my sanity. Could I be so traumatized that I’m creating things to sabotage any future relationship we might have??? But then you admitted that it what “nothing” which meant there was “something” that you were classifying. You shouldn’t be saying it’s “nothing” to a person that doesn’t exist and never sent you a message I saw on your phone. Now you say that you always said we were just friends. That you love me but we agreed that we can’t get along (true). You even took off the key pendant you used to wear that symbolized the key you had to my heart and I have the key to yours. After so many times of trying to kiss me, hold my hand, call me frantically at night because you thought I was dating someone, texted me to please keep talking to you. Now you say that you’ll always love me but it can never be? Now, because you found someone new you pull away and don’t care about my feelings.
I keep going back to you; keep talking to you like a lost dog. If anyone could analyze me outside of this relationship they’d say I’m a strong woman that doesn’t take crap from anyone. I’m determined, very confident, and independent to the maximum. Yet with you I’m codependent. Aside from having a daughter I allow myself to be drawn back to the vicious cycle of us texting all day, you calling me at work all day, calling me at night. I do it. I know it’s all wrong, that I should stop. This will lead to no good, yet I do it. You lie to me right to me face; deny things and then it comes out that what you denied was true. How can I talk to you? You say it’s irrelevant if you’re talking to her but it is relevant. It’s relevant if you’re talking to a girl yet going out to lunch with me. It’s relevant if you’re texting me you love & miss me. It’s relevant if you’re trying to kiss me. It’s also relevant because she does exist and all this time you made me question myself, my gut feeling, and my sanity when all along you were lying.
God I want to run away just cut this connection we have. It’s so hard! It makes you feel happy and broken at the same time. Makes you want to smile, scream, cry, kick at the same tie. I’m filled with love and hate at the same time I feel like an addict, you are my drug. I know you are terrible for me, horrible. You don’t deserve me, the love I’ve given you. I carried your child inside of me for 9 months and you call me a monster, dirty. Yes, you apologize but still why talk to someone that calls me these things? I don’t get why I don’t move on, boy do I want to. It’s just hard now with me working fulltime, going to school fulltime, and having our daughter.
I need to do this, I need to see you as a bad habit, smoking. I need to give up the cigarettes but fully on my own because there isn’t an over the counter patch that can alleviate the withdrawals. There’s nothing I can take to control the overwhelming emotions that block my inner voice yelling “NO RUN” when you tell me you love me. Nothing can save me aside from God and I have a feeling this is a test. Learn to love and value myself and remove the impurities from my life, remove you. I have to or it’ll be the death of my sanity and my emotional well being.
What does it say about me that I keep going back? Why do I even though I know you’re all wrong for me?

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auxilary25's Profile

Username: auxilary25

Gender / Age: Female, 39

Location: USA - California

AUXILARY25's Interests:

About Me: I'm 21 years old and I'm a university student majoring in accounting. I'm in a relationship right now where I'm the happiest I've ever been in my life. I truly have no doubt in my heart that this is the man that I want to marry because he completes me in every way. My only problem in this relationship has always been my bfs past. My mind is always going back to his past and comparing the love he felt for them to the one he feels for him. My insecurity has led me to believe that I'm not his 1st choice that he's with me because his "love" left him behind...it was 5 years ago but still the thoughts are there..hopefully through journaling I can get this feeling out of my heart so that our relationship can get stronger.

Interests: I love reading whenever I actually have the time. One of my fav authors is Jodi Picoult. I'm a big Harry Potter fan but unfortunately I haven't gotten around to finishing the last book eventhough I started a year ago.. I love my nintendo Wii and I can't wait for more games to come out. I love to work out 4 times a week because it helps me release my stress and feel good about myself.

Favorite Music: Ashlee Simpson, My Chemical Romance, Jessica Simpson, Daughtry, All American Rejects, Simple Plan, Plan White Ts...and the list goes on

Favorite Movies: Sweet Home Alabama, How to Lose A Guy in 10 Days, Grease, Crazy Beautiful, Beaches, What Dreams May Come, Dirty Dancing, Man on Fire, and Trison and Isolde.

Favorite Television: Brothers and Sisters, Desperate Housewives, Greys Anatomy, One Tree Hill, and FRIENDS!! Everybody Loves Raymond, I Love Lucy, King of Queens, My Wife and Kids.

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