Isn't Easter supposed to be happy? I used to think so... but I ruined this Easter for everyone that I really care about. I went to church this morning with my bf and his family (mom, dad, brother, brother's fiance) and it was fine. I gave my bf his birthday present (a new golf putter) and he loved it. (My bf's birthday actually happens to be today too.. but I ruined that as well.) We came back to our apartment to relax before going to his grandparents' house at 3 for Easter dinner. The early afternoon was laid back and fine, we watched a couple episodes of the tudors (my new favorite show) and just enjoyed the day off. We left at 2:45 to go to his grandparents' house. I've been goofing off looking for new jobs and trying to figure out a career for after college, and I started telling him that my college education kind of seems like a waste so far. I'm in huge amounts of debt and I'm a business administration major because I have no actual interests or hobbies. I recently thought about becoming a Real Estate agent, which requires no college education, and I started telling him that I had (SLIGHTLY) considered dropping out, it just wasn't worth it financially. Instead of calmly talking to me about it, my bf yelled at me and told me I was smarter than that, and I need to finish school. He told me if I drop out then my parents "win" (they "predicted" that I'd never make it in life) and I couldn't let that happen. I just feel like my life is so worthless. Honestly, when I think about it, I think the reason I want to drop out of school is to give me a real excuse to be depressed so people wouldn't be so surprised if I eventually killed myself or did something stupid. I just want an easy way out. I don't want to deal with all the stuff life has thrown at me. I want it easy..
What I couldn't stand about this whole thing is just that he had to yell... Just like I have major issues in my life that need to be resolved, he needs to calm down his anger problem a little bit, but he won't admit he even has a problem. He told me he yells because nothing else gets through to me (true). But him yelling makes me cry. I told him I couldn't live with him next year if he keeps it up, and I got out of the car. He drove to the top of the hill and stopped and made me get back in the car when I got there. We argued for probably 20 more minutes outside his grandparents' apartment and I cried, and he got pissed, and I tried to convince him to go inside and pretend everything was ok -- he said no way -- and eventually he went inside and told everyone he was taking me home because we were fighting. He brought me home (silence the whole way) and then left to go back. He was crying a bit when he left.. he said he needed to talk to them (not me). Only problem is... his mom loves me to the point where she assumes everything is always his fault and I'm always right. She's lost her senses.
I have huge problems here. First: I'm bringing my drama-filled life into his family's life (ruining their Easter holiday, for example), and too much into his (ruining his birthday, always breaking down to him, etc). Second: I'm an emotional mess. He thinks I might be bipolar?�Either that or he says I'm just a great actress because I can pretend to be so happy some days, then just break down with emotion other days. Third: my boyfriend deserves so much better than the shit I put him through. He's never done anything wrong, and I take everything out on him. Every bitchy day I have, he sees the repercussions of that bitchy day. It's not fair, but I don't have anyone else to go to, to vent to. I'm thisclose to being willing to give him up so he can have a better life. He sure as hell deserves it. But he would be so heartbroken if we broke up. I would be so heartbroken if we broke up. But then my other dilemma.. I don't have anywhere to go if we broke up. And even if he went home and I stayed at our apartment, I don't have the money to pay for our apartment (and he paid for half of everything we bought for the place..). Neither of us can afford the place on our own. And I couldn't survive without him.. I would literally have no one. (Ok, not literally, but close enough. I don't have any close friends, just a bunch of semi-close friends. No one that I feel like I could turn to in a time of need though. Not like that.)
I don't know whether I should..
1. let him go (which would be putting his needs first, letting myself collapse, and hurting him so much)
or..
2. try to stick through it -- if he'd even agree (which would be putting me/us first, ensuring that,�selfishly, I would still have a place to call�"home", and still�hurting him -- look at my track record of hurting him, I hurt his feelings almost every other day)
Does anyone else think I probably need to see a shrink to sort out my issues and emotions? Anyone with experience (self or otherwise) think I�have some kind of disorder that could be making my up-and-down emotional roller coaster so much more fierce? Anyone in the Baltimore area know of a trustworthy psychologist/psychiatrist that maybe specializes in teenagers/family therapy?�Or maybe that's not what I�need? I don't know. Please talk to me..
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