I didn't realise I could actually dislike someone as much I dislike someone right now. I choose the word dislike because hate is a strong word, and when I'm angry and I actually hate this person very much. Why can life never be simple for me?
Change. It's an inevitable thing. We have to change in order to grow and learn from mistakes. If not we'd all be making the same mistakes over and over again...like driving around a traffic circle and never making a turn to get out of it. Every once in a while, though, people change for the worst. Or that's how one can view it. Sometimes it's a gradual thing, sometimes sudden. Either way, it's usually left you with a bad taste in your mouth.
It's a bit sad, really, when you once believed in a person and now no longer do. When helping them & supporting them was something you did because you wanted to. You cared to. Now it's something you hardly think about. No energy to help someone who would rather associate with people "higher" up with more "connections." Here you thought they actually cared about you but now it's clear that was false. They cared about the help you were providing...and now that they can get it elsewhere you are no longer needed. You see what type of person they have become... Although, come to think of it. Maybe it's not just them who has changed maybe it's yourself. Maybe you've changed to see who they are, having been a bit jaded before... Wow. How writing thoughts down makes you think. Anyway. It's just a rude awakening when all of the hard work you ever put in (at your own will because you wanted to) seems to have been a waste of time...
I probably would have gone down the same path. Knowing them, helping them perhaps just not as much. At the end of the day, I can rest my head on my pillow and fall fast asleep into dreams of whatever is in my head & heart. I wasn't out to seek anything from anybody, I was (and still am true to myself & other people). I don't expect anything from anybody. I don't use people for my own selfish purposes. It's not who I am. I'm the helper type that tends to get stomped on by those who use others, time and time again. It's something I can't turn off or learn from. I can't change that. But I never forget the behaviors of other people.
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-So reading this back I realize it started out as one thing and ended up another. Still on the same topic but a bit off from one another. But I'm going to keep it this way. Hopefully it's coherent enough to follow along.
TO ALL WHO TRY TO FIND LOVE If you find yourself in love with someone and that someone does not love you be gentle to youself there is nothing wrong with you love just did not to rest in that someone's heart If you find someone in love with you and you can not answer that love feel honoured that love came by and called on you door but gently refuse the feeling you cannot return as love did not choose to settle in you heart If you find yourself in love with someone and the love returned it still can happen that love chooses to leave do not try to reclaim it and do not assess any blame let it despite the pain there is a reason and meaning to this.... You cannot choose love by yourself LOVE CHOOSES YOU.
Lately I've been feeling soo alone.. I do have an amazing boyfriend, but we're always fighting..and I hate it. I'm 15 going on 16, and I know that's really young to be saying this, but I do love him. We've been together for almost 10 months, and he's made me a better person. He�was my first kiss and he just means everything to me.�He is definitely my best friend,�and I feel like he's the only one who cares. I don't really have anyone else to go to anymore though. I have him, but I don't know how much longer that will be for. I'm scared he's going to leave me.. I'm terrified of that..and I can't talk about this with anyone else because there's no one I trust besides him. I feel like I lost all of my closest friends this year. I feel so depressed and I just don't know what to do anymore. I can't help but cry myself to sleep every night. And I would love to tell my boyfriend about all of this, but I don't want him to feel like he's the reason I'm so upset. Honestly, he's kept me alive all this time. Through all the times we've fought, he's been the one to just hug me when I'm crying, and he's always been here for me. He respects me.�He tells me I'm probably one of the weirdest girls he has ever met, but that's why he loves me. And he says he loves everything about me. So why am I still so upset..? Can someone please just help me?
Hmmm, where should I begin? It has been officially�fourty-two days�since the break up that nearly killed me a week ago. My wounds are almost healed but not completely, but the tears still continue to crash around me. People swear up and down that my fragile, broken, heart will heal soon, but I don't believe them. The wounds will leave scars�that will always remain�deep within�me, and the memories will surely be the death of me. Things haven't been the same for days, and so I continue to find myself in my thoughts, thinking about taking my very own life. Everday is a battle for me to not give in to the sin of death. But, when I truely think about taking my own life, the peace I find in my heart, makes suicide all the more tempting.