Wow. I can't believe it's already been 6 months since that last post. A lot has happened since then..
1. I started to see a Psychologist. I actually went once in late April; I went to my school's Counseling Center and set up an appointment. After that initial visit, I think I was more angry than ever. All the lady did was say "mmhmm", "okay", "that must have been terrible", etc, all in the most cheesy fake voice ever. I was so frustrated with her!�After that, our schedules weren't quite in synch so I didn't see her again.. my school only allows students to seek help while they're enrolled, so once summer started and I wasn't taking any classes, I couldn't see her.
2. I went back on Monday the 19th. Mostly because I found out from a relative two-and-a-half weeks ago that my mom had an abnormal pap smear, and was going to have to have a biopsy done to see if it was cancer. Well, to make a long story short, my mom actually called me after I found out, and we cried on the phone a lot, but I told her I was worried about her. It really made me realize that even though I hate my parents for some of the things they've done/the way they've treated me, I still would care if something bad happened to them. That fact really confused the hell out of me, so I made an appointment with Dr. F (the psychologist I saw in April).
3. Mom's fine. She texted me that her results came back "precancerous" which means she just has to go back every 6 months for 3 years, and she'll pretty much be fine. Can you believe she TEXTED me that?! I at least expected a phone call.. the nerve of her!
4. I've been pretty mellow lately, with only a few (one or two) bitchy outbursts since April. However... R (my boyfriend) has been really really rude.. like when I don't understand something within seconds after he says it and I ask him a question, he gets SO�angry and tells me I'm an idiot. I have been reacting really slowly lately, especially to things I should be quick with (i.e. I've always been good at math, but for some reason can't add correctly lately??)
That's it for now.. I'll write again soon (Dr. F is "requiring" me to start journaling on a more frequent basis to get my feelings out)
Christina
Isn't Easter supposed to be happy? I used to think so... but I ruined this Easter for everyone that I really care about. I went to church this morning with my bf and his family (mom, dad, brother, brother's fiance) and it was fine. I gave my bf his birthday present (a new golf putter) and he loved it. (My bf's birthday actually happens to be today too.. but I ruined that as well.) We came back to our apartment to relax before going to his grandparents' house at 3 for Easter dinner. The early afternoon was laid back and fine, we watched a couple episodes of the tudors (my new favorite show) and just enjoyed the day off. We left at 2:45 to go to his grandparents' house. I've been goofing off looking for new jobs and trying to figure out a career for after college, and I started telling him that my college education kind of seems like a waste so far. I'm in huge amounts of debt and I'm a business administration major because I have no actual interests or hobbies. I recently thought about becoming a Real Estate agent, which requires no college education, and I started telling him that I had (SLIGHTLY) considered dropping out, it just wasn't worth it financially. Instead of calmly talking to me about it, my bf yelled at me and told me I was smarter than that, and I need to finish school. He told me if I drop out then my parents "win" (they "predicted" that I'd never make it in life) and I couldn't let that happen. I just feel like my life is so worthless. Honestly, when I think about it, I think the reason I want to drop out of school is to give me a real excuse to be depressed so people wouldn't be so surprised if I eventually killed myself or did something stupid. I just want an easy way out. I don't want to deal with all the stuff life has thrown at me. I want it easy..
What I couldn't stand about this whole thing is just that he had to yell... Just like I have major issues in my life that need to be resolved, he needs to calm down his anger problem a little bit, but he won't admit he even has a problem. He told me he yells because nothing else gets through to me (true). But him yelling makes me cry. I told him I couldn't live with him next year if he keeps it up, and I got out of the car. He drove to the top of the hill and stopped and made me get back in the car when I got there. We argued for probably 20 more minutes outside his grandparents' apartment and I cried, and he got pissed, and I tried to convince him to go inside and pretend everything was ok -- he said no way -- and eventually he went inside and told everyone he was taking me home because we were fighting. He brought me home (silence the whole way) and then left to go back. He was crying a bit when he left.. he said he needed to talk to them (not me). Only problem is... his mom loves me to the point where she assumes everything is always his fault and I'm always right. She's lost her senses.
I have huge problems here. First: I'm bringing my drama-filled life into his family's life (ruining their Easter holiday, for example), and too much into his (ruining his birthday, always breaking down to him, etc). Second: I'm an emotional mess. He thinks I might be bipolar?�Either that or he says I'm just a great actress because I can pretend to be so happy some days, then just break down with emotion other days. Third: my boyfriend deserves so much better than the shit I put him through. He's never done anything wrong, and I take everything out on him. Every bitchy day I have, he sees the repercussions of that bitchy day. It's not fair, but I don't have anyone else to go to, to vent to. I'm thisclose to being willing to give him up so he can have a better life. He sure as hell deserves it. But he would be so heartbroken if we broke up. I would be so heartbroken if we broke up. But then my other dilemma.. I don't have anywhere to go if we broke up. And even if he went home and I stayed at our apartment, I don't have the money to pay for our apartment (and he paid for half of everything we bought for the place..). Neither of us can afford the place on our own. And I couldn't survive without him.. I would literally have no one. (Ok, not literally, but close enough. I don't have any close friends, just a bunch of semi-close friends. No one that I feel like I could turn to in a time of need though. Not like that.)
I don't know whether I should..
1. let him go (which would be putting his needs first, letting myself collapse, and hurting him so much)
or..
2. try to stick through it -- if he'd even agree (which would be putting me/us first, ensuring that,�selfishly, I would still have a place to call�"home", and still�hurting him -- look at my track record of hurting him, I hurt his feelings almost every other day)
Does anyone else think I probably need to see a shrink to sort out my issues and emotions? Anyone with experience (self or otherwise) think I�have some kind of disorder that could be making my up-and-down emotional roller coaster so much more fierce? Anyone in the Baltimore area know of a trustworthy psychologist/psychiatrist that maybe specializes in teenagers/family therapy?�Or maybe that's not what I�need? I don't know. Please talk to me..
I don't know what I want to do anymore. I'm miserable about 50% of the time, happy about 25%, and ehhh the other 25%. I hate responsibility -- paying all my bills, working 25-30 hours a week, going to school 15 hours a week, food shopping, taking care of my apartment, not having near enough fun. The day-in, day-out routine has gotten so old. It was old a week into it. If I could work just because I wanted to, then it'd be great, but just simply because I HAVE to work, I hate it. It's not so much that it's stressful (it used to be) as much as it's just annoying. When I'm at work I can't be home, I can't be relaxing, I can't be enjoying my life the way I want to. But honestly, how do I really want to enjoy it? I couldn't tell you. And that's depressing. I don't know what I want. I tell my boyfriend I want alone time, but 5 seconds later I say what I want is to go out and have fun. Truth be told... I don't know. I kind of feel smothered. But it's totally my fault. I have it in my head that I don't want to leave the apartment by myself (to go tanning, window shop, get my eyebrows waxed, go out to lunch with a friend, etc) because I feel bad that I have to leave my boyfriend for even longer (he's usually home alone when I'm at work) but really, I don't want to leave him by himself for more reasons than that. I feel bad leaving him alone because I pity him since all his friends live so far away now, and because I'm jealous that he'll get even more time by himself, and because I'm insecure and don't like not knowing what he's doing. I have thought about suicide probably once a day for 5 out of every 7 days for the past couple of months. I don't think I'd ever actually do it, though, because I know it would hurt so many people and while�I'm not fully happy with my life most of the time, I'm not ready to die over it because I've got this hope in the back of my head that it might possibly get better at some point.�
Some background: I'm 19 years old, I live in an apartment with my boyfriend who is also 19. I don't have any monetary support from my family. I don't really have anyone I'd consider a close/ best friend except for my boyfriend. He's totally supportive of everything I do. I have no real hobbies except being a control freak. I don't talk to my parents.. my mom pretends I don't exist and my dad plays games with my emotions so I removed myself from that situation and now I'm on my own financially and whatever other ways there are. Need more info?�Ask.
What I want from you (anyone who reads this): Share your story -- similar or not. Comment on my half-story (it's too long to tell it all, sorry). Show me support, tell me I'm an idiot, whatever you feel when you read this.
Add comment
