thank god. i swear, i think i would die if it wasn't for the fact that we only have 5 more days to wake up. i can handle that. :). one more day to wake up this week and i am completely okay with that.
well, i guess i'm currently married to my crush, and he's spreading that around :) haha. whatever. i really hate that i like him, because he's GAY!!!! wtf? how do i fall for a GAY guy? i dont understand it... i guess maybe it's because he's become one of my closest guy friends... man, i like him, and i'm going to try the trick that mrs. miller taught us about the pupils, i'm wondering if he'll use it on me, because he knows that i like him... :)
well, i'm gonna go, i'm hanging out with emmah and allen.
Peace. :D
went absolutely amazing. i had a great time with him. he made me so incredibly happy. so, him and his dad picked me up at my house around 1 (he got his license that morning with his dad, so his dad was still with him). anyways, then we went to his house and watched the pacifier. it was stupid, and i hated it, but i loved being with him :). we started out on complete opposite sides of the couch and ended up holding hands and he had his arm around me. :D. then his family showed me around his house (he has 8 brothers and sisters and two parents), him and i weren't allowed downstairs in his room. [[which i found really funny]]. then him and i went outside and we played basketball for a little while, and i felt really ugly because my (once was) beautiful hair, turned into ugly hair all over the place. and then we hung out in his backyard with his little brother, and we shot airsoft guns. it was alot of fun. he kept hugging me like non-stop, and his little siblings kept looking at us. and i HATE being taller than him! (but at least it's not that much). and we held hands alot too. and we walked around his house talking about random stuff (ik, this sounds really boring, but i had a great time). and when i was about to leave, he hugged me, and then we looked into each other's eyes and my heart was racing more than it ever has. and i thought that we were going to kiss, but he then hugged me. which sounds insanely boring and stupid, but it was amazing anyways. :).
i had a great time with him. he makes me really happy. :D
that boy called me up the night of my last post, and he ASKED ME OUT ON A DATE. and ever since, we've been hanging out at lunch and after his band and my chemistry. well, we're probably going over to his house on saturday and watching a movie! i keep thinking about kissing him and being with him and just everything about him. he put his arm around me for a really long time today, but it felt weird because i'm a tad taller than him =/. well, it seems as if he really does like me, and i'm not looking forward to gulf shores only because i wont see him AT ALL. :(. well, i'm hoping that the thursday night before i leave, i can hang out with him and maybe go on a date with him. i really want to spend the whole evening with him and have our first kiss. but you can't plan these things. they have to just happen. like mine and david's first kiss. i doubt he'll kiss me infront of his family. and i doubt we'll be left alone. not that his rents dont necessarily trust me, but just that we're only 15/16. but i really hope that she trusts me. even though i dont have any reason to be trusted. (but she doesn't know that). ;) haha. jk. well, i can't wait to just go on a date with him, i'm feeling so needy, like i just NEED to be with him. and i'm scared that i'm falling too hard too soon, because i know how much he can hurt me.
love always, Jenna
maybe i'm beggining to like him a little to much. a few days without him i was completely okay with. it made me rethink who i liked and i thought that it wasn't anybody. but because of last night, i realize how much i actually do like him. he kept bringing up how Josh had said "we should start dating", he just wouldn't give it up. and he was flirting with me like crazy! i felt so loved. He kept hugging me randomly yesterday, and it made me feel really good. he also threw his arms around me once and said "mine", and it made me feel amazing. i felt like he really cared about me. now, i can talk to him about like everything, whereas before i felt like he was really hard to talk to. i'm wondering how he feels about me. he randomly came over to our lunch today, and it made me feel really good. he sat right next to me. and we talked about "the valley of the green glass doors", which was basically everything yesterday. and today we brought it up and it was a major thing. man, i just can't get will off my mind. i wonder if he feels the same way...
VARSITY!
aha! a freshman making varsity! not too many kids do that! i am beyond excited, you have absolutely no idea! i have worked so hard in the past two years on doing this. it's the greatest thing that has happened to me this year. both me and morgan made varsity, the only two freshman. i am really excited because me and morgan have had the hardest pasts. so me and her make varsity, the two most worthy. this is the best feeling in the world!
the scariest day of my life is tomorrow. i can't wait for that day to be over. so that it brings me closer to knowing the outcomes. the nerves are going to drive me insane. i can't wait to just know what i made.�will it be JV? Varisty? Jesus Christ i'm beyond nervous, this is making me insanely scared.
SOFTBALL TRYOUTS
I just got a major newsflash today while talking to my mom. we were talking about the fight that happened with my father like forever ago, and then the subject changed to falling in love and then it changed to david... and as soon as his name slipped out of my mouth i knew i was screwed. i guess i've kind of avoided talking about him in such a romantic way, in such detail and emotion as i did today. we got into the whole thing, my mother told me how hurt she was the night that i came into her room crying, telling her that he told me that he doesn't love me anymore. she told me that what she thought, was that he did it so that he could prove to me that we really needed to be done, and when he told me to stop txting him, that he needed to just try to get over me, and that we both needed to get over each other until we were both ready for more. maybe i'm looking too much into it, maybe i'm just hoping, but today was one of those days that i haven't had in a really long time. so, after my mother said that, my lip started quivering, and i knew that i couldnt resist these tears anymore. so i let them flow. my face was completely drenched in tears, and my lip was quivering while i was talking. my mother felt bad so she wanted to change the subject, but i definitely did not. i wanted to face these emotions that i haven't really thought of in a long time. bottled up inside that i hadn't realized made me want to explode. there was a silence for awhile while my tears were falling, then i turned my head, looked my mother in the eye, and said "i loved him". so innocently that it made ME cry. because it's true. and i still care about him, even though i thought i was completely over him, and i guess my heart really hasn't let go of how much pain i went through, but also how much happiness i went through. my world looked completely different back then. it's just really hard to explain, but i have one memory of when i was walking down the foreman, over by my house, and i was listening to a song by Daughtry, i can't remember the name off the top of my head. the weather was warm enough so that i could wear a tee-shirt and pants and i was fine. the sun was shining and i felt beautiful. i was txting david, waiting for a reply when i looked around and realized that for the first time in two years, i was actually happy, which was amazing for me. the realization changed my whole world. I didn't want the lenten season to ever be over because i was so happy seeing him 3-4 times a week, whereas i would be lucky to see him twice afterwards. but then� he let me know that he loved me too, and that just rocked my world, my heart was beating like crazy and i was so happy. i'm sorry, it's just that that's how i felt today during this fight. it got me really emotional. and i really just needed to let it out.
i was feeling really sick today and it made me sad :(. but my exam for economics: easy. test for cold war in economics: extremely difficult. i definitely got at most an F. i seriously had absolutely not clue what i was answering. i was so pissed off that i had no clue that i just would up doing guesses at the end. not even educated guesses, just guesses, luckily in the end we got to cross off 10 questions, so i crossed off almost all of the ones that i had absolutely NO clue. but luckily on my health exam we graded almost all of the exam and i only got 4 wrong! i got an 84/88. so yeah. i am really tired. stupid exams tomorrow. i'm hoping that i do really well on my science exam. i'm so extremely ready for this. my english exam we get to use notes! aha. i'm really excited for that. i think i'll do decently well on that exam. just need to study a tad*. ladies ensemble exam wont be difficult at all. just listening to notes on the piano, it should be simple. well, i'm so ready for tryouts to get here.
tryouts are on monday and it's only 5 days away but 5 days feels like an eternity to me right now. i just really want to know if i'm on freshman, JV or Varsity, i dont know why i feel like i'm going to be on JV, but i just do. which i am really excited about. but for all i know they wont move me up. apparently rhode really likes my hitting, and i think that that's such a great thing, i'm really freakin excited about that that you have no idea. maybe that gives me a higher chance of making Varsity, or maybe he's just glad that there's an upcoming player that can hit? maybe he'll see how i do at JV and possibly pull me up. or maybe they'll keep me at freshman because i'm a catcher. but i'm hoping that they move me up and keep Kaylyn down. i know that's selfish... but that's what i REALLY want...
well, i'm going to go now before i get into a ton of trouble. love you all :))))
-Jenna Elizabeth Smith-
the dance last night was amazing. i was dancing with like everybody and i was grinding like everybody. aha. i said hey to like the SWEETEST teachers. lolfr. mrs. miller, mrs. griffith, and mr. stevens. :) well, will wasn't at the dance :( it made me sad, i really wish that he had asked me, but i found out last monday that he wasn't going because he said so at youth group. gabe was there. i saw him a few times. he was the reason that i wanted to look so pretty, since, will nor alex were gonna be there. even though i dont like alex as much as i used to. but i'm pretty sure that gabe didn't even see me. :( austin was being a dick. he was hurting like everybody there. and so was sarah as usual. but i tried not to let that ruin my night. zack and i had fun dancing with each other. i hope i wasn't bugging him, i was kinda all over him, but i didn't try to be that in�a creepy way. i mean, he's gay after all. so i really didn't have much of a problem with it, i dont think he did either. and then he got sad for the last few minutes, and it made me sad... everybody told me that i looked uber pretty! i think i looked better than at homecoming, i love katy's dress! well, i'm stuck listening to "another cinderella story" songs, and it's really stuck in my head. aha. well, i'm so nervous for tryouts. i thought about that randomly because me and morgan were dancing together and i love that girl and we saw rhode and we talked to him for awhile and morgan and i talked about tryouts at the dance. i swear to god, that's like all i've been thinking about. softball = #1. also, i've been thinking about exams. too bad i forgot the stuff for my reviews. luckily, the only due one is science. but i really need to do the econ one though, because i am SOOO not ready for that exam.
ohmygod. so much stress!!!!
:)
I think that i am officially going insane. I CANNOT like will again, especially not this much. He is seriously driving me insane!!!!!!!!�my heart is starting to race when i think about him, this is not good!!!!!�argh! what do i do??????? i'm not sure if this is a good thing or not, but RIGHT NOW, i'm extremely happy. because he's making me happy. and idk what to do about it because i dont wanna tell him how i feel about him, and i dont want this tri to end because i probably will barely see him like at all next tri, i didn't see him at all first tri except for youth group. this is gonna suck. i think that will will always have a place in my heart, especially because he was my first love, and i dont think that you can ever truely get over that. well, i'm happy that i'm happy but i'm also scared...
it seems like i'm getting everything that i could possibly want, but i just cannot seem to be happy. i mean like, today i got taco bell, aim, and a computer, i have this guy kiss me, who alot of other girls would die to kiss, and i have a ton of friends. but i'm just not being satisfied. i'm not sure what i should do. i'm really scared though because i really like will, and i think that's what's somewhat making me uncontent, because i really just want a boy that will make me happy and not just use me, because alex is so not worth it, but what if i actually fall in love with will again? what should i do? because for all i know, he'll put what happened to us in the past in the way of what could be happening between us now. what if he askes me to the dance? but i doubt that that will happen. and it just seems like i want that to happen so bad. but i just can't get out how i'm feeling at the moment though. i mean,�i really want to get over alex because he is�so not worth it, and i�really want to fall for will, because i believe that i can, but i dont think that my heart is going to let me at the moment, because i dont know what this outcome will be and i know how much he can hurt me. everything will be so less complex if i just get over alex. i think that i should just try as hard as i can to get over him. it's just not worth it anymore. and i miss my best friend. but i dont know how i'll ever be able to get her back. and there's no way anytime soon. i'm just hoping that if i ever need her, she will be there. because of everything that we've been trhough. i'm just sick of not being content with what i have.
what should i do?
i swear to god, one of these days i am going to punch my fucking parents in the face. i CAN'T STAND THEM! i slammed the door and said "i hate this family", and i haven't gone upstairs since, it's been about 2 hours. i'm sleeping in the basement tonight. god damn, i'm so fed up with their bullshit. everybody hates my dad, i just wish my parents would get a divorce so that i could just live with my mom. but atm, if i could, i would live with jordan, no lie. her rents would seriously take me in, but i love softball too much, and if i ditched, softball would be over for me. but i'm getting so close to just fucking leaving. i can't wait until i can drive and just go over to jordan's house when all this shit starts happening. i fucking hate my dad, and any of you who have met him know why. i swear, he just lives to see me suffer, and then when he says he loves me, i dont believe it. i dont think i have ever said to him that i love him. because i dont. i hate everything about him, how he facebook stalks me, how fucking ugly he is, how annoying he is, how fat he is, how much of an asshole he is. anybody who knows him understands me.
i wish he was dead.
well, this is the first time that i have ever used this thing so i am completely new to it.
my first few of these are probably going to be completely stupid and annoying, but i dont really care at this precise moment. i really just want to punch sarah in the freakin face, she really pisses me off. i can't believe that she has a boyfriend and yet she still kisses alex. that really bugs me, i mean, i didn't know that she had a boyfriend until about 12 hours ago, but when i watched them kiss i just wanted to throw up. Her face was like completely lit up and she just laughed and gave me this evil look when they finished, i almost flipped her off, but i decided against it. i just wish that i could punch her. and i will if she pisses me off enough, seriously, everybody hates her so freaking much. she just refuses to admit that she realizes it. she just wants the attention, and she probably loves all the attention that we're giving her. i love how she thinks i'm jealous. what would i possibly be jealous of? her A cups? no, i love my boobs! lol. well, i hated that fight i got into with jordan today, because she's my friend, but if she's gonna switch sides on me, then i'm gonna yell at her. i hate that i've lost emma as my best friend, but just after everything that's happened, and everything that i've done, i wouldn't blame her if she just decided to never be friends with me again. i'm listening to pink right now, and i'm just thinking about people and basically everything. like how i think that i like will. and i'm really hoping that i dont get too caught up into him, i'm trying to hold back, but i'm not sure how well i can do that. right now, i just want to be friends with him, because it's so much fun being a friend. and i dont want to go through what we went through last year. he asked me�who i was dating and i said nobody, why? and he said "because�i always sees�you with different guys and always wonders which one that�your dating." which makes me think that he's taking his time to think about me. and it makes me feel good about myself. and i think that i've always had the tinyist of feelings for him, because i mean, he was my first true love, and it's really hard to forget that, because at Stubenville, while he was flirting with this other chick, i was getting jealous and i thought that i was starting to like him, but i didn't really talk to him much after that and i just worried about drew so i guess i didn't really think about him. last year i didn't see him like at all so i didn't think about him much except at church. so really, i've probably always had feelings for him. i was looking at him today and he looked so different from the boy that i had feelings for two years ago. (damn, it's been two years) he's gotten bigger, he's not the twig that i used to know, he has muscles and i was always waiting for him to get his license and i'm sure that now that he's 16 and he can, legally, get his license. i had been counting down until we were old enough to "date", and that age is finally almost here. i'm such a different girl than the girl that fell in love with him. i was thinking about that the other day, how i'm so much more confident around him and that i probably dont seem so immature to him anymore. well, i can't seem to get him out of my head.
and at the same time, all i can think about it alex. and will. ugh. i just want to like will and not alex. but i dont want to like will too much and get as emotionally scar-ed as i did once before.
gonna go now
*Jenna*
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