It's been a little but since the last that I've written. Life is a lot easier right now. I guess that Christy and I are back together for now. I know that it's the wrong thing for me to still be with her, but I am so addicted to her. And yes a little in love too.
She wants to keep sleeping with other people, but be with me. That's going to be hard to get used too. I am always wondering who she is with when I am not around. It's not as bad as not being with her, but it's still pretty hard.
It's only a matter of time before she leaves again, so I had better have fun while I can.
I think that I am going nuts! I can get my mind stright. Nothing but thoughts of her. I just want to get a look at her, but I know that if I see her my heart will blow. I sent her an e-mail about moving the rest of my stuff out of her house, needless to say she has yet to answer the e-mail.
God I miss her, but I know that it'sa not going to work. I HAVE GOT TO MOVE ON!!!!!
If life is like a train ride, mine has temporarily left the tracks.
Christy,
I know that it helps you to hate me, but you really need to realize what your hate is doing to me. I am so tired of being hurt by you and I' m not going to put up with it anymore.
I know that you told me that it helps your pain when you sleep with other people. I don't belive that, because I could tell that you are not happy with yourself and it makes you feel wanted to sleep around. That don't help anything at all. It's only going to make you feel all that much worse about yourself and the situation. You need to love yourself before you can ever be loved by anyone else.
The only reason that I'm writing this letter is because I really have got to move on and you keep wanting to stay in my life by sending me email and texts. Even though they are very nasty in nature if you really wanted me out of your life you would leave me alone. You will never see this letter and that's because I want to move on, but you are making it so damn hard to keep my mouth shut.
You really need to help yourself before you go out and hurt anyone else. Making other guys feel a miserable as you is not healthy and it's cruel.
Payton
I am getting off at 2:00PM today. I am going to go pick-up the kids and take them out to moms with me. After we do a little swimming I am going to take them to get a bite to eat. I'm hoping that seeing the kids will take my mind off of Christy. I also miss them so much. I can't wait to see them everyday again. Another reason that I will never be back with Christy and that I need to move away from this mess that was once called love.
I have been submiting questions to anserbag.com. It's a pretty fun site. When you ask or answer a question all of the other members can rate, answer and comment on your input. Sometimes it can really be a lot of fun. Some days it can really piss me off. It passes the time during slow periods.
I still can't get her off my mind. Let me give you a breif history of the situation. I have been dating Christy for four years on and off. She lived in Tipp and I lived in Brookville(about 20 miles apart). In about November she decided to buy a house in Brookville. I moved in with her. We had an alright relationship through the four years. The best part was that we are both very sexual people and we both explored our fantises together. Anyway our kids did not get along at all and the dream soon became a prison.
We began to fight quite often and everytime that we fought she would end up throwing me out of the house. On May 26th 2008 she threw me out again and I decided that it was really time to leave. I decided to leave for the sake of our kids and ourselves. I arranged to move in with a friend. He said that he was counting on me to help him with his house payment. He only needed me to stay for 6 months to a year. Wouldn't you know it that as I started moving stuff out she started changed her mind. It was too late. There was nothing that I could do. I wanted so much to keep thevicious cycle going, but I was not going to burn the only bridge that I had.
So the next weekend I moved my personal stuff in BN's home and I was no longer sleeping in her bed. We would go out when neither of us had the kids and we would have sex. Strike that, not just sex it was the most passionate sex that we had ever had. Then at the end of the weekend I would go back home. We would still get into fights and other then the sex nothing really changed. Now we've decided that we need to back off a bit, which as much as I hate to say it, I agreed. But this last weekend I found out that she slept with a mutual friend of ours. Now every bad thought that I have always feared is rearing it's ugly head. How long was this being planned? Is this the only time? Did he give her anything? and on and on.... I slept for a total of 2 hours last night.
I have got to move on! I can't keep doing this to myself. I don't want my kids to see what I am doing to myself. There is no way that I can ever be with her again. I will never be able to trust her again. The worst thing is that I don't know if I can ever sleep with her again. So for that fact I have got to move forward and not backwards.
I only hope that the pain in my heart stops throbing soon. I NEED TO GET SLEEP.
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