I wanted to see walt last night so As I walked halfway to his house he met me. Initially he wasnt too keen on me� doing that, because it was late. I didnt see it as a problem, we live in the same area! He was driving like he was sixty, slow ten mph. We sat in�his driveway for awhile, then he brought me home.� Talked a bit more, and� I gave him the friend speech. He went off on me. Saying that we are more than friends, we talk everyday, spend time together alot (not doing anything in particular) we kiss. He said which one of your friends do you do this shit with. I had to be truthful, none of my friends share this level of intimacy.� His words keep replaying in my head "you know what this shit is...... its a relationships stop hitting� me over the head with that friend bullshit."�I can see he was pissed off,� he went on to say� I cant��categorize a relationship as being casual or anything else ,that is until I get better aquainted with someone. I disagree because many time I have said ok we are only going to be friends, sex partners whatever.� Hate� to admit it but he is right were more than friends. Not sure how to define but it's something more than casual.
We chatted for a minute then he dared me to race him race in the middle of the night . If he won I would have sex with him. I can be cocky at times so I was up for the challenge. I�believed �I could defeat him with out�effort. He won, aint gone lie I was shocked as hell! I claimed he cheated although� I knew damn well he didnt, so we did it again. And� I lost�I �know what that meant. I never planned to give him any, was hoping he would forget about it or just write it off as a joke.�Neither of these things happened.� We agreed I would pay up on the weekend. I got out of his truck came in the house layed down. The phone rang it was�Walt telling me he wanted to collect his reward. I was like damn!� He came back to my house to get me, this brother was fo real. He wasnt playing, he wanted me not now but right now! I didnt want to follow through with it yet I was curious. Although he was a bit aggressive he wasnt an ogre.� He didnt act like Eli� who's a crazed maniac. Man, all kind of thoughts were running through my mind. LIke what am I doing here underneath him? Is he this open with most women,� what does this mean to him if anything?� Is this just an act or something deeper? During a previous conversation I asked him bluntly why do you want me so bad? Did he want a story to share with his homies or was I just a notch on his belt. He's so open where Iam so guarded.� Once he asked me directly what am I scared of? How could I explain to him that I fear that myself. Fear letting go, falling in love with (him or anyone)�only to be told its headed no where.
�I care about him deeply, this is is where I usually began plotting my sabotage. Would rather hurt now than later. Cant guarantee anything if I/we could my relationships would be fruitful and healthy.� I dont want to hurt him and vice versa so......
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