Nodeadenz

�I called Walt this morning to tell him that I was bored in addition to missing him. Then I said� the boredom I can handle. Daymon called me this morning wanting to go out., tried to stall him by saying I had to prepare myself.� Ruthie suggested I use the excuse my daughter is sick, which� I did recently.. Truth of the matter is wasnt feeling it, told ruthie several time that I didnt want to go out with him. I had a bad feeling that I couldnt escape. Sure 'nough my� intution was right, when I came out the door Walt was on the other side of the street , face to face. OMFG I ran upstairs so fast, the phone rang it was walt. He asked wasdaymon my date..... Were not official, but I still felt like I was cheating.�Such an uncomfortable sitiuation, felt like a deer� caught in headlights. Daymon wasnt fazed� at all , he says he knew I had friends. I think he� wasnt bothered because he is seeking a sex partner versus a lasting relationship. When we returned from starbucks I called Walt immediatley, I asked was he upset . He said he wasnt, this was� a lie. We talked briefly about it, then back to work he went. Later he called me back and asked was his job a problem for me. Cant recall what I said. His job is the "other woman". This is who Iam at this very moment a liar. I lied to walt ,lied to daymon as well as myself. I�lied to myself when I attempted to overide my feelings and be casual friends with walt; mislead daymon into thinking walt is a mere friend. Never once did I correct him! Lastly I decieved walt into thinking I dont care for him as deeply as I�do.�

This isnt a game for me,not gloating over the attention bestowed on me by both men. Truthfully speaking with walt is where I'd like to be in his arms in his prescence doing nothing in particular. God I want to fall in love,want his attention.� I feel like his unhealthy work ethics are an issue that cant be resolved. I love a B.M.W always wanted one yet somehow its become the elephant in the room. What am� I suppose to do when he is unavailable? Not seek out other men for sure, seriously what am I� to do? I need to get a life that's the answer, fill my time and space with�hobbies, work,��my first love(poetry). Anything to help eleviate the lonliness/ desire to be with� a man who cant or wont allocate time to me.