WHY do I do this? I was unsure of what to do about Cory but I knew somewhere deep down that I wanted to see him so after my chiropractor appt WED. night (23rd) I went to his house, with the intention to stay. We went out to supper, it was nice but he seemed distant. He didn't seem distant when we got home and got BUSY! AGH! So, I thought everything was good. Then I was going to go home Sat. night... I ended up stopping at Jay and San's for supper and stayed too late so I went back to spearfish rather than going all the way home. BAD idea!!! He was out with his friends, came home a little after 11pm after he had had a few drinks and was all wanting to "get some" SO, stupid me I gave in. I felt so slutty... I don't know why, it's not like he would totally use me but... guess because I felt so guilty that we weren't really even "together" and we were having "casual sex" which I know God is NOT okay with! So, I felt guilty.
THEN Sun. morning, we talked for quite awhile, I really wanted to know what was up with us, where we stood. He kind of acted unsure at first. THEN, he grabbed me, looked right into my eyes and with a sincere look (for him) said, "I love you enough to be a family with you and the boys" NOW, mind you, he didn't add the "Forever" part in there and didn't sound so sure that he knew, that he knew, that he knew... BUT, thought that was start.,, then5 min. later he tellsme that some lady (come to find out it wasRenee) has been pursuing him since we've been broke up~!He said, he told her NO that he was trying to figure things out with me and didn't want to complicate things! BUT- I really think deep down he wants to just give hera whirl,,, just to see what the grass is like on the other side! Even though he didn't alude to that at all!
So,then I wrote him an email just to try to confirm some things and figure stuff out andjust make sure all is clear... I was under the impression we were "BACKtogether in a casual sort of way" working on our issues but planning that WE WILL BE aFAMILY some day,,,,
I am reading "Smart Love" by Dr. Phil It is pretty good and it does a great job of explaining MEN and why they act the way they do. Come to find out Donnie and his Loveyness and emotions and sensitivity was a rare thing... and most men are actually like Cory, unemotional! So, it says I need to learn to deal with and actually use some of his "men" issues to my advantage! I am really starting to think CN and I could get back together and I just need to accept him for who he is and love him regardless and he should love me regardless! I am also finding out that I am sabotaging the relationship because of my Donnie issues. I had so much pent up Anger because of all Donnie put me through! and of coarse the anger was coming out atmyloved ones.
anyway,this Wed Imight stay the night with CN and really I am excited to see him, No promises that we are getting back together but I am starting to realize some things, 1 being he is an AWESOME guy and I won't find anyone else quite like him! Accepting CN might just save memore heartache and agony. Plus, Dr. Phil saysCory loves me dearly but he just sucks at showing it the way I think he should. Dr. Phil also suggests I "let go of my control issue" orI will be single forever!
(Friday night)
I am reading "Smart Love" by Dr. Phil. The first part made me "deal with" who I am and my issues! and then what I want in a man! My issues stuff made me really think about the stem of my ANGER! So, Friday night after I got done reading some Dr. Phil I tried to go to sleep but for the first time in a LONGGGGG time I felt Donnie's presence. I started talking to him. I cried, as I told him he has hurt me so bad,,, and yes, I admitted my wrong-doingsand thenbegged for forgiveness. I was forthcomingthat I was an awful wife at times and I wasn't very helpful or supportive when it came to his addiction. I explained howI grew more and more bitter as the addiction mess got messier! As I was still crying and almost yelling, I told him of how DAMN angry I was and still am that he lied so much to me I probably don't even know the half of it!!!It felt like he was listening so I kept talking,,, Itold as things started to spiral out of control and I could see I had no control over anything my anger grew stronger. Then I was quiet for a bit,,, (if someone would have been there they would've thought I was going crazy!!)because then the next thing I know that came out of my mouth with gops of tears was "I KNOW you LOVE(D) me Donnie! I love you too!" THen I just asked him to set me free!Finally, I prayed and askedJesus to take care of my Buzz, who I love so dearly and always will! Then Ithanked God for this "healing" and to please help me to continue to deal with it and keephealing in a healthy way.
Can't believe it has been almost 2 years and here I am finally "trying to deal with my Donnie issues!" Guess Cory helped distract me for a year and a half!
This past weekend was pretty good. I REALLY have been doing much, much better at Love and Logic and keeping my cool and really, now that I have improved, the boys have too! OR maybe I am better able to "deal" with them.
We were at chruch until 2:45 because of a "family" meeting... that I ended up making longer because I asked a simple question ("Are we focusing on growth and HOW?" and what can we all be doing other than praying and talking to our friends/coworkers!) That opened up a whole can of worms. WOW, anyway, I sense there is a lot of "hurt" in our chruch and sadness that so many families have left and at least I am struggling with the finicial burden and workload we are left with after all those families left the church! NOT, that I don't want to give more $ and work more but they are really asking for a lot from only 23 families left.
THen we had the Terrell's over for supper, sloppy-bean joes! Mike measured and is going to do new carpet pretty much everwhere except O's room! I am excited but NOW I have to get the PAINTING DONE! I am really thinking I broke up with CN way to soo, should've let him finish the painting!
Tasha and I are starting a "Bringing up Boys" class in Feb! EXCITED! I ordered SOME materials today so we can get started looking at the instructor and workbook stuff!
Today I stayed home with O. Jane was gone. I got some stuff done but the day just goes by TOOO fast! but we had a good time hanging out... man, he is really turning into my "sweetie boy" he loves to hug and snuggle and he tells me several times a day that he loves me! OHHHH! and Jett is just into his Animal leapster game! He's good at it! I am proud of him too!
gotta get to bed!
I had a good day. I've had a good few days of keeping myself busy and NOT dwelling on "poor me, I'm a poor widow who just broke up with her boyfriend and is NEVER going to find the RIGHT MAN!" Actually today I was busy,,, I did stuff around the house this morning and then I took the boys to Pam and Matts house,,, Matt watched them so they could play with TY and then Pam and I went spinning, at noon,with several other people,, pretty much a class! It was a Great workout... THEN I orgranized a movie night with the church girls... we saw PS. I LOVE YOU and it was pretty sad and sort of hard to watch,,, makes me wish I would have found a note from DWB! and while I was watching it, it made me sort of want CN back but now that I am home and thinking clearer I can know that was just my crazy emotions being drug around by the movie! BUT, I sure enjoyed the popcorn and MandM's that I starved for all day today!
THEN we went to Applebees for a drink! (didn't have the points left for that but oh well!) That was great, just chatting, Stacey T and I had a few quick heart to hearts in the car, to and from,,, she's a good friend. I just wish she had more time to enjoy life,,, she needs to learn how to slow down but I was just so glad she was able to come out with us tonight and it was nice Shaylee could watch the boys! LOVE EM!
Haven't talked to CN in a few days now, since he was sick, other than a few texts just to let eachother know the other was okay... I was glad to know he made it home from Montana. He says he misses and loves me... I do miss him too, some!
I had Tom over for supper, then we went to his parents house for his brother's birthday cake. The boys had a blast running around their 13,000 sq. ft. home!
I think the stupid scale at the rec. says 124, THat is good but I need to be down about 6 more pounds to notice pants fitting better. I am hungry still lots but I am trying to just learn to enjoy the hungry pains! I want this pretty bad! I am working pretty hard at the eating and the working out part too! I've really been pushing myself in the gym! I will go spin with Pam tomorrow (Sat).
OH, something weird,,, I am spotting 5 days before I am expecting aunt flow! THat makes me wonder what's up and pisses me off! THat's why I am on the pill, to be regular! I better not be pregnant!
Okay I better get to bed!
I am really trying to do my WW and keep points! SO far so good but noticed it was much easier when I thought CN wanted to be broke up with me. now that he has caved I am wanting to EAT again!Anyway,I am doing pretty good, I've been on program1week, not sure about how much lost because the stupid Rec center scale sucks! Think I'm gonna buy a WW scale! but I think Iwas 127 on the2nd when I started and now I am124. SO, that is good!I am really just lookingtofit into my old jeans that I could wear justover a year ago! I want to look GOOD!, DAMN GOOD and that makes me feel GOOD! and darn it, I am worth it! I also want to look good for CN,,, maybe make him either love me better or be really sad he's missing out on "THIS!" Today was my hardest day by far, I was just "hungry" all day and so I ate a little more throughout the day which made my points 24ish! rather than the 20 I'm trying to stay at! I think I am starting to wear the "HUNGER BADGE OF COURAGE" proudly!!!!! I've also been working out PRETTY HARD and upped my minutes at the gym by about 20 extra min. a day! It is tough but I can do it! I want to wear those HOT MAMA JEANS! I want to make heads turn by Valentines day! Maybe then,I can get a "date!"
THANK YOU GOD, for my boys, our perfect health and all your precious blessings you've given us! With YOU GOD, all things are possible! (even me getting skinny thighs!)
NIGHT NIGHT!
Cory texted me Sunday night and Monday a few times. I didn't respond. I had already deleted hisnumbers from mycellphone! Anyway,then he called the house Monday night (last night). Jett answered the phone! I hung it up, so I didn't have to talk to him! Earlier in the evening last night, Jett asked if Cory and I would get married. I told him no and that we were actually taking a break from eachother. He later said, how he wants CN to be his daddy because he is the best wrestler. I said, oh I bet all men can wrestle and plus what if mommy found him a new daddy that lived in the country and had horses. then we could have horses? He thought that was okay,,,and just dropped it.
anyway, through the several texts CN finally talked me into calling him, when I did he admitted that he "thinks" I am the best one for him and he's stupid to let me go and he "thinks" he can love me regardless of my issues.
NOW, isn't that just what I wanted to hear only about 4 days ago, but NOPE not now!
I am starting to figure this out! He was "in control" when he made me think he dumped me. during this time I was a ball of nerves and just a MESS!AND I thought I kind of wanted him back! THEN, when he said he pretty much wanted me back I was "in control" again and back to my old self! I even noticed I was better at my new years resolutions (Love and Logic, keeping my cool) when I was "upset", NOW I am just back to my bitchy normal self.BUT I refuse to let this demon control me! It doesn't matter if I am with CN or not, I CAN and WILL be incontrol of myself, my attitude and my awful behavior. Anyway, I told him that we are STILL broke up and I will only get back together with him if I "know that I know, that I know," that he is the ONE I want to spend the rest of my life with! I said, we will either stay broke up forever or go straight from broke up to engaged! THe person I'm gonna be with is gonna be the one I want forever or I'm not wasting my time! (WOW, that's a change in attitude from a year ago! SInce I was NEVER getting married back then!)OH we'll see how long this "strong headed persepective" lasts!
SO, I wasn't planning on texting or talking to CN for awhile again after monday night because I said we needed to "avoid" to make this breakup real and so I can get my shit together! Well, he texted me several times this afternoon (Tues) beacause he had the stomach, puking flu and needed my "love and support". SO, I gave in and felt bad for him so I called him tonight! OH well, I can still be nice right! Even though we are STILL BROKE UP!
LAND and horses!!!! I went to S. Thar's team penning and man, it makes me miss horses and just being out in the country! I need that and I want to raise my boys OUT of town! SO, now what? DO I sell my house? Do I stay in this shithole town or get out and take a HUGE cut in pay? WHERE do I want to be? all I know is I want to be out of town enough to have land! and I don't think I want to buy land from my dad in Sundance because I don't want him to hold that over my head if I am not nice enough to "Her" ,,,, so, I will wait, pray about and wait and see what God lays on my heart about WHERE to live! Meanwhile, I will keep getting house ready to sale, If I stay I can enjoy the improvements!
With you God, ALL things are possible!
Last night SUCKED! I talked to CN for about 1.5 hours... I got him to "sort of" admit that this break up was really what "he wanted" but he kind of "made me decide it" because he said he didn't want to "hurt anyone." WHAT the hell,,, I shouldn't be mad but I sort of am. Why didn't he let me stay broke up with him OCT of 06? OMG! I am so upset about my BOYS! They didn't deserve to get "led on" for over a year and then lose another man they loved! AGH! THIS totally sucks! anyway, I don't know what else we really said, it all just made me CRY like all night! I am so pathetic!
I sort of want to see what else is out there (NOT that I am ready for that!) but the other part of me just wants CN back! Ya know, we really didn't have that bad of a relationship! I guess we just struggled with the merge,,, that was a thorn stuck in our side and I was really ready to move on to the next step or "NOT!" SO, here we are!
I keep reading things on the internet... lots of things say, "CLEAN BREAK" no contact! SO, here I am ignoring his text he sent me!
I got Jordin Sparks new CD, its REALLY good! I sent CN the link to her Video, Tattoo, which is about moving on when you still love but you just gotta move on,,, WOnder what he'll think,,,
Last night after we hung up, I deleted his number from my phone and all of his friends/family #'sthat I don't need anymore! I decided I need to totally disconnect, I can't sorta talk/text.,,, Yesterday, (getting to talk to him 3 times) was harder on me than if we just hadn't talked at all... and also I think Ineed tostart playing hard to get,,, and see if that makes him want me back or just lets him leave quicker! AGH! THIS SUCKS! I love him but I don't know what's best!I might be going crazy and I am so depressed but the websites/articles say that is normal during a breakup!
Cory called to tell Jett happy birthday this morning but Jett was too busy with friends so he called back when we got home from Applebees. Of coarse, then I got to talk to him for about 30 min. It was so nice to talk to him,,, we discussed issues. We hadn't actually"talked" since the 31st. I told him how I realize I have an anger issue about Donnie and how I throw my little fits when I don't get my way and I realize I need to change NOW and I need help. I guess his way of being supportive is just not saying much that makes me think he "approves" with what I said. I told him that I want to change and I wish he'd try to work on his communication and passion issues and then IF we can love eachother for who we areincluding our quirks then the distance and "Where" we live shouldn't be an issue, If we truly love eachother then that's all we need is LOVE and the rest will work itself out! He agreed but I don't know that we will ever get to that point. I am scared we won't but I hope and pray we can. I miss him so much and I told him that! I also said, I hope when we are ready to try it again I hope he is still available! I am scared he'll move on, which is bad of me to say because he deserves to be happy and I've already said, He'd probably be happier without me! Agh! I am such a brat! and right now, I am a depressed BRAT! I feel so lonely and lost! My stomach feels "icky" most of the time and if other people aren't around I am like on the verge of crying all the time! I miss him and I guess I miss DB too! But yet I am still mad at DB!
I am so thankful for my Jett and Oakley! I need to remember to go love on them and get attention from them when I am sad and lonley.... I still have them! and THANKS God for my precious boys!
Jett had a good time with his friends but I think he is pretty tired today! After his 2friends left (last one at 11:30) I took a shower and we went to Applebees with Jay, San and A.The service sucked and the food wasn't so hot but it wascool to see Jett get imbarressed when they came and sang Happy Birthday to him!O is still being a pill. He was naughty all morning. Then when we got home he ran in the deep, dirty snow and then continued to run from me when i told him to get in the house. He knew the rule (need snow boots and snowpants to run in snow) we've disscussed so many times!So, he went to brown chair,,, and he was there a LONG time because his time didn't start until he was quiet and not messing around so that took FOREVER (over 20 mins.)!
This morning Jett said, "Mom, I am NOT 6! I looked in the mirror and I don't look any bigger! AM I really 6?" I answered, YES YOU REALLY ARE 6. You were 6 at 3:28 this morning." I shared with him all about his birth story. He thought that was cool.
Over all I think Jett had a good birthday! He still gets to open 2 presents, one from me and the tackle box from Cory! THANK YOU LORD for myJetter! I love him sossooooo much!
HUM! Another day in a daze! BUT I survived! I am tired!
Today I went to the Rec, worked out and talked to Darla for over 2 hours! It was good though... We discussed lots of stuff....our "looking older" needing botox and velasmooth, our naughty kids, our workout, CN and my issues, how about burned the house down and we both discovered we both have anger managment issues! I said we should go to a Anger support group.
Last night I searched the net about my symptoms of losing my temper and it all stemmed from Anger Managment. At first I thought, "I'm not angery, what would I have to be angry about?" But then I thought about it and my "raging fits" started when I had to start dealing with DB and his addiction,,, then got worse when he died,,, so I could be and still be MAD at him. THEN the website said people like me (and it described me to a tee) get mad at anything when it does go their way,,, I do expect everything to go my way or I get pissed! SO, I realize I have issues and hopefully I am figuring it out and how to deal with it.
Then we went to Jill's with lunch and to have a play date with Trevor. That was nice. Jill always has advice and was good to talk to.... she understands about my anger issue and always make my L and L refreshed when I leave her house. THANK YOU GOD FOR MY FRIENDS!
I miss Cory to night again,,, we texted but STILL haven't talked since Monday 12-31 I guess that hasn't even been a week but I haven't went this LONG without talking to him since I've known him which is about 17 months~ I miss him but maybe I will start realizing that I need to get my poop in a group before I try to go back to him! I don't even know if he will still be avaliable (or even want me back) when I am ready to give it another try! I guess that is the chance I have to take at this point.
O was SUPER naughty ALLLLL day! I guess he just had an off day but it really tested my patience today! I did BETTER but not perfect! I didn't hit him but did yell. Jett had his birthday party/sleepover tonight! They ( two extra boys, 4 total) were CRAZY at first, lots of running and screaming but I think that helped them to go to get tired out. I put them in Bed at 9:45 and they finally went to sleep at 10:20,,, which I think isn't too bad!
Well, I bet they will get up early so I better get to bed myself!
THANK YOU GOD for your Son Jesus!With You, all things are possible!
My day started out okay. I slept in (after getting woke up at 6:30) and got the boys to Janes a little after 9. I went out to work,,, had a nice chat with Melis. She sounds good and Maddy is GREAT,,, she's off her meds and oxygen and just seems pretty normal. Melis is very happy and feels so blessed by the Lord! That is awesome!
I got some work done and then I went to the bank to get $ to pay for my rootcanal/crown and other "house stuff" then I worked out. I've done a great job with my eating today...in fact since I lowered my calories so much I got feeling sick after I worked out. I needed that protein shake pretty bad today!I also sat in thesteam sauna with "Beauty From Pain" playing in my ears... I am So super emotional right now! Then I went out to see Terry and the baby (Treyton). He made me miss "baby stuff" he was so cute. I gave her the hamb. cassrole, she didn't seem to care that I "messed it up" . She was just grateful to have supper and not have to "do it"!
I did pretty good this morning but this evening I have been missing CN sssooooo much! I've cried and damn, I just want him back! What was I thinking, how can two people break up, not talk and just act like "its over" when they still loved eachother. NOTHING bad happened, no one cheated, I didn't get beat or lied to!!! So, he's a cheap skate who struggles with communication and passion! So what! I wish so bad the Lord would step in and send me a sign. Like why can't He just call me on the phone and say, "Stacey, I want/don't want you to be with Cory!" I'd do what He said if he just told me but he isn't making anything clear!
OH, I miss him and want him back! I am tired and depressed and tired of feeling like (emotionally) crap! It could be worse,,, I gotta think, it could always be worse. I wish I new what Cory wanted. He doesn't seem to know either,,, when I texted him about this he said, he isn't enjoying "being single" but said we just need TIME to sort it all out! Meanwhile this TIME is making me an emotional, depressed bundle of sadness!
I wonder if I just be patient someone else, someone better, more right for me will come along,,, and same for CN too... BUT right now, all I can see is I am ALONE and its my fault for being a RIP to such a sweet guy who isn't perfect but I'd have to say, "MORE PERFECT than I am!" I love you Cory! GOD, with you ALL things are possible and so please let me know what you have planned. When will I see your beauty from pain! I'm standing in the rain, I'm alone in this fight with myself,,, If I stand, I'll fall down, I want to be found, the only way out is through the pain, I'm not dealing with it! I didn't deal with the pain when I lost Donnie and now I've LOST again! I can't stop crying but I need to be crying out for God to rescue me! Please God hear me cry for you! Help me God!
Well, what a day,,, I desperately tried to air out my stinky house but it still stinks! It smells like I've been smoking "Campfire" cigs in here for 10 years! AGH! The smell is getting to my well being,,, as I smell it I think of how awful last night was! My mom said, MORE Fabreeze and TIME!
I have been So sad, missing CN all day! I feel like I want to cave and take him back! I wonder if he misses me at all... We've broke up Oct of 06 and that time it was all me wanting the break up and he was devestated. THis time I think it was more mutual and so I wonder how be feels. This is so different than greiveing Donnie. DB died and I knew I could never see him but I could see CN if I wanted to! and I DO WANT TO!
BY the way, sure i didn't mention but we had awesome sex the night before we broke up! Can't get that out of head! I don't ever want to have sex with anyone else!
I have been crying off and on all day! I try to keep myself busy but all I can think about is HIM! I haven't told the boys anything. I won't until I see if we are over for good. And I am hoping that they will just "Forget" about him and I just won't make a big deal about it!
Why do I have to be so mean and why did I always ride his ass? I pretty much drove him away! OH my heart is double broken,,, I haven't been thinking of DB much but I want him back if I can't have CN! I realize DB has been gone almost 2 years and I KNOW I can't have him back,,, that's what makes this different.
Is CN thinking of me? Does he still love me? WHen I think of him with another girl I start crying,,, I don't want to see that, even though I say he deserves to be happy!
I honestly think, if we could have finalized the merge plans then we'd still be together but I kept thinking I couldn't keep going on with no more commitment and me still SINGLE MOMMY all week!
I have been doing a better job of controling my temper with the boys, I have yelled at them a few times but nothing major. They've actually been better! They are so special to me! I want nothing more than the best for them! I pray for their health and happiness!
This mommy was very sore from yesterday's arm workout with Shawnda! WOWZERS! I worked out legs today and cardio both days! I have been on the WW plan for two days now! I need to go down and weigh myself on the offical scale! I am so serious about losing 10 pounds! I want to thin down my huge ass thighs and be able to fit in my "skinny girl" pants! This Cory breakup is going to help with the "thin down program" because I am almost sick to my stomach half the time!
Well, I better get to bed, I am planning on going out to work tomorrow and then I 'll go to see Terri and the baby! I made them hamb. cassarole but I messed it up,,, forgot the tomato sauce! I suck! I am so "spaced out" most of the time! I need to get my shit together! OH, I did get some stuff done today, I got Christmas stuff put up! The boys even helped...
OK TO BED!
My house seriously almost caught on fire! I lit two candles in my room,,, one on my dresser the other on my vanity-desk! Went about my normal routine, batheing the boys, reading to them, brushed our teethand got them in bed. Then I went straight down stairs to get on this computer. After being down here about 5 min. I started to smell "camp fire" smell. I ran up stairs to see a 1 and half foot flame ON MY VANITY Desk! It was my make up bag on fire!!! NOW I am starting to remember WHY! Earlier in the night I threw my make up bag toward my vanity and missed, it fell on the floor so I picked it up and "threw it" on my vanity totally absent mindly that there was acandle burning up there! I almost panicked but I literally told my self, "Stay Calm!" I remembered what we learned at O's fire safety class at HeadStart... I blotted it out with a towel that was handy near by!
OMG! THEN IT GOT SMOKEY FAST! BUT- I had got it out enough that I knew it wasn't going to burn the house down! I was shaking and kept saying "OMG, THANK YOU GOD,,, OMG!!!!" THEN I grabbed the whole burned, smoking mess of a makeup bag (WITH ALL MY MAKE UP!) and threw it outside on the deck! I kicked snow on it (and it smoldered for over 10 minutes!)I ran back up stairs and jerked open the windows but the smoke was VERY stinky! Must have been my make up brushes and the plastics I bet! I cleaned up by vaccuming up burnt crumbs, scrubbing on my vanity which has a huge black burn mark and spraying LOTS of fabreeze! I'm too scared to litea candle to help with the stink so I opened more windows and got a couple fans going! AGH! what a scary night! I was going to go to bed early BUT NOW I need to wait for the adrenaline to slow down so I can go to sleep! (The BOYS never woke up!)
THANK YOU LORD FOR WATCHING OVER US, TEACHING ME A LESSON AND HELPING ME KEEP MY COOL TO DO THE RIGHT THING! AMEN
GOOD NIGHT!
On the way home from Burke we had a "talk" and it continued through the evening...
I said, I can tell he hasn't been happy, I've been too bossy, too negative, emotional and too impatient. Who would want to spend the rest of their life with "THAT"?? He said I have been those things and so those are things that makes him wonder if we are right for eachother. I said, I just want to be loved for who I am, and my TYPE A personality because that will probably NEVER change. I do need to change in the area of just being "nicer" and not so demanding and picky about every little thing but honestly, I've tried to change that, but its in my genes so I don't know how much that will really change. We both argreed we love eachother and always will...
He hasn't been "talking to me" /communicating about important things for over a month. I have been trying to work on the house plans and I needed to know if this merge (to Sundance) was really going to work because I was about to give up a lot... my house, and my job OR having to drive LOTS, it was just a lot to do and change if things weren't going to "work out." Cory finally told me today that he wasn't able to move to Sundance because of his job and asked if I would move to Spearfish but he undertood that I have a good job and a good situation in Gillette. I said, I wouldn't move to Spearfish and give it all up ,,,the main reason is: I want LAND for animals and to raise my boys in the country. If I buy land in Spearfish it would cost LOTS more than Sundance. PLUS IF I got a job in Spearfish I would take a $12,000 cut in pay so I'd be NOT as well off finacially! So, not a finacially smart move for me!
I also said I want (and he should want this too) to KNOW that I KNOW, that I KNOW that I want to marry and spend the rest of my life with him before I commit anymore. Sadly, I don't "KNOW" and I he doesn't either... doesn't that say something? we are NOT meant to be together. I am totally broken hearted because I do know that I could date 20 more guys and never find a man like Cory. He is amazing! I love so many things about him. He is awesome to the boys and I know he'd be a great daddy to them.But him and I need to make it "real" first and we can't seem to do that.
Another thing that has had me kind of upset is: He hasn't done anything "nice" for me in a LONG time! He use to surprise me and give me special things or a card or just do little sweet things but lately none of that. I only got flowers from him once ortwice and that wasso long ago I barely remember. Not thatI need flowers but I need a little Romance. Maybe that's because he's been so busy doing"dirty" work for me,,, painting,installing new light fixtures, and in general just staying busy "taking care of us". but I need more than that... in the area of LOVE. He hasn't told me I'm beautiful or anything. He can't look deeply into my eyes and tell me how he's so in love with me! (maybe because he's NOT!?) I am guessing he hasn't been making much effort towards making this relationship work because he's gotten "comfortable" OR he feels I haven't been worthy of anything Lovey beacause of my awful behaviors (listed above). Who knows, but I do know that we aren't IN LOVE anymore.
Lastly, the qualities that MR. Perfect isn't so perfect in are the passion and communication. He isn't passionate about me,,, and the above paragraph proves that. He just doesn't have that Passion that I'm looking for in a man. Also, I can't stand him NOT talking to me. As I said over a year ago I get tired of bringing upconcerns and him writing it off as "nothing". It wasn't NOTHING or I wouldn't have said anything about it and so I want to know he is listening and wants to talk things out to help me work out the problem. He's done this about the merge/house/land plans SSSOOO many times in the past several months. AGH! I get so frustrated when he won't talk or acts like he just doesn't care~!
God, I love him so much but I just don't think he is the one for me~! I wish so bad he was because I want him so much,but deep down in my heart I feel I can't go on with this relationship always wanting things to change. I don't think that is what a "near perfect relationship" is sopossed to be. It should be two people who totally respect and love eachother so much that they love eachother regardless of their personality issues. AND they don't want to change the other person or themselves. I just want to be loved for who I am... and I want to love my "husband" for who he is and I don't want to have feelings of wishing he would change all the time. I know no one is perfect and there's never a perfect relationship... there's got to be give and take and total repsect! Cory and I don't seem tohave that.
I am scared I won't have the strength to let him go... I want him back even knowing we probably aren't meant to be together. WHY? Am I just afraid of being alone? Did we get together too soon after DB died? WHY? and why can't we just love and respect eachother regardless of our personality flaws? I don't know,,, but I know I don't want to be ina relationship that just does't feel right. I'm sure there is a girl out there who is "more right" for him! He wants to get married, he wants to have a baby and he deserves to be loved and repsected and have some one who doesn't treat him like crap! (By the way, I have been thinking I will get remarried and possibly even have another baby if it all feels right,,, IF I know that I know, that that's what I really want!)
I guess, as heartbreaking as this is, Cory and I are NO LONGER!
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