smb's Journal

14

Aug 2007
2:07 PM MST

Aug,. 10-13 We went to Ft. Collins and Cheyenne to visit friends. Had a great time but I came home very, very tired! Not sure why because I really didn't do that muchand actually got plenty of sleep but still tired.

BOYS were pretty good.

Melis and her baby were doing well. Baby Maddy is super cute! I pray her half a little heartwill be okay and she will be FINE! Myles and Mke hung out with my boys Sat. morning while Melis and I went to the mall to get pedicures and buy body shop!

Saw Lori C. for 2 hours and then stayed with Susie and B. sunday night, and came home Monday afternoon. Great time. and fun to see friends. MIssed Jenn and Jenny though!

20

Jul 2007
2:28 PM MST

We went to the Passion Play last night! It was really neat. CN about fell asleep twice and didn't act too interested but I was impressed. I liked the scenes that looked so real,,, like a painting! IT was beautiful! Jesus gave his life for us and this play depicted that very well. It made me sad for Jesus and sad that I'm not a better person. I know I will never be good enough.

We were invited to CN's friends for a BBQ. I offered to bring beans... I made a huge pot and then they canceled and NO ONE bothered to let me know! OH well, now we have lots of beans to eat! We just stayed home and did NOT MUCH!

Back to CN--- This had been a tough week living with him in Spearfish! I do like him but I don't feel anything special (now that I "cut him off" because God has made it clear we are not pleasing HIM by having sex) with him! Sad but we don't have much true love without sex! I don't know what I will do but I need to talk to him because I feel like I need more feeling, more emotion and NOT just when we are having sex! I do realize he is an amazing man, who has accepted us and loves my boys and he is nearly perfect but I don't think I can be with a man that I don't feel "Totally in love with" I want it to feel like we were meant to be not just in a comfortable relationship I can't get out of! Also, I wish he could feel the same as I do about the God and sex thing! He just doesn't care and that makes me feel uncomfortable about his faith. I want a man who wants to please God, not go against His wishes, when he knows what is expected of him! YES we miss the mark, yes, we are NOT perfect but CN just doesn't seem to care about something that he just needs to demonstrate his will power that I know he has!

19

Jul 2007
2:13 PM MST

We have been staying at CN's this week so the boys could attend VBS at CountySide community! I am so hot and tired. They boys (specially Otto) have been very ... locked Sadie in the bedroom so the Landlord had to come let her out... and not sure if he did it but someone pulled the fire alarm at the church Wed. and yeah!!! First he said he did it, then they said he didn't.. I don't know if he was just trying to get attention. The lady at the church said he didn't do it but she really didn't know for sure! The boys don't nap good here! and don't go to sleep at night so I am pooped! Also, this rental is so hot with no AC!

We looked at houses last night! The ones in our price range were NASTY and then we looked at 2 that were okay but about 40,000 more than wewanted tospend. It made me realize I just don't want to get involved in that!CN was going to pay2/3rds and I would pay 1/3rd.... but he couldn't make the entire payment without me! Therefore, that would make mefeelobligated to stay with him for the stupid house instead of for the right reasons! I don't need extra debt if hecan't pay for it by himself! This is bad of me to say but I don't want a man that can't be self-suffcient with his financial situation! I feel like I could be used in that situation if I;m not careful!

15

Jul 2007
3:44 PM MST

Just got back to CN's from Hills ALive! Tired but WOW what an awesome time with the Lord! I always love the feeling I get when I leave Hills ALive! I do feel Alive again! "Thank you Lord Jesus for ths weekend, for the aweome time to worship you and you answered my prayers by helping me to feel closer to you Lord, I pray that feeling stays and I can work harder on making you happy and proud! Thank you for our safety" AMEN

12

Jul 2007
3:21 PM MST

Had a good week! Jett did well and enjoyed school with Marci H and JJ! IT is so nice that they know him and I know them and anyway it was all good! Except the first day they dropped him off at the Rec center and I was told they would drop him off in the back and soI missed him being dropped off in the front! I waited for him for 1 hour and then started to freak out. He walked into the rec center daycare all by himself! He said he wasn't even scared and he was excited he gets to ride a big bus with no seatbelts!

CN was at HotSprings fire all week but he might get to come to Hills ALive this weekend! I am VERY excited and so happy and blessed that we got a room Sat night at Holiday inn Plaza! that is the one right across from the concerts! I am so excited to see Jeremy Camp but all the performers will be excellent and moving! I am looking foward to an awesome spiritual time with my mom and CN and with GOD! "God is good, and God is good all the time!" The boys will stay with my Dad in Sundance and Jay and san will take them too if need be!

My Master's program is kicking my butt! I don't know how I can do this program during the school year! It is so time consuming and I am getting very negative and hate all the BullShit writing! That's all it is, is BS!

OH and I feel like a big fat cow! CN still doesn't want to compliment me or tell me I am fine the way I am, I just want to be loved for who I am and for what I look like! I do wish I could get rid of some belly fat and my thick legs! I try not eating much but then I get headaches and feel weak! I need food for energy and I am trying my hardest to make better choices and not eat crap but I still have my down falls! (chocolate and coffee drinks!)

Whitney got picked up by her mom last night because she got sick! Poor thing! Rhinannon stayed and talked to me for about 1.5 hours about her troubles with Jod,,,, I guess he had been drinking a lot and things aren't good between them! He had sopposedly been cheating on her. THen RB had the gall to tell me she heard a rumor that Donnie was cheating on me with the same gal! I didn't need to hear that! BUT, I just thought to myself, OH WELL, what can I do! Not like I can ask him or anything! He was so messed up, look what he did to himself, HE wasn't in his right mind! AGH!

OH no, water is still on! I have just been swamped with taking care of this house, yard and boys all by myself! I need more help! I feel like I am getting wore down and I just have to keep going!!!! Gotta get that water and get packed for Hills ALIve and get to bed!

YEAHHHH! Jeremy CAMP rocks! I'm so gonna be a happy camper!!!

THANK YOU JESUS!!!!!

08

Jul 2007
3:07 PM MST

Happy Birthday Donnie! He would have been 32! Miss him!

We have been camping and GONE for about 6 days. The neighbor girls watered my flowers/yard and I set up a waterer on a timer for my baby grass (right off the deck) Looks like it did FINE! YEAH! I can grow baby grass!

We spend 4th, 5th, 6th at Keyhole in camper at electric spots 7 & then moved to 9! CN was out there one night/day and we had a good time all day Thurs with my mom riding the waverunners! BLAST! I was worried about Jett but he did fine! He never mentioned any incidents! I guess the brainwashing him into thinking he is "FINE" worked! Then Friday we went to Sundance for a pit stop,, washed clothes, showered at San and jays and I got some homework done and then we went on to Deadwood/ Gulches of fun with CN. THat was lots of fun and we all got along great. Meet Melani and Brent with their family. That wasn't so great because they were on edge wtih bratty kids AND They didn't get much sleep in their tent! BTW- I sure love my camper!

Then we went to Spearfish camp ground for Sat night, and church today and then San took the boys so CN and I Could have alone time but it wasn't that special. By the time we cleaned, parked and unloaded camper, I got my school work done and turned in, we were pertty tired, we went out for a late lunch, sat at our special bench by the creek and then got Dairy Queen. That blizzard *that I didn't need* was pretty intoxicating so I had to take a nap! didn't get home tonight until LATE! Jett has school this whole week Mon-THurs and Whitney will stay.

BUSY!!!!

I love my naughty boys! They are so stinking naughty! BUT I love em!

30

Jun 2007
2:56 PM MST

I got a hold of Dr. Washington (ped. cardiologist from Denver) this morning. He said he didn't have much time to really study the resultsbut did look at Jett's Halter Monitor results and said he is FINE! He still has an irregular heart beat that hesaid can be normal in little kids and it is nothing to worry about. He said his resting heartrate got up to 110 and that is still normal in kids.He believes his EKG will be normal and said he would look at it again but he assured me again Jett is fine~ I am very happy to hear this good news but still wonder why Jett is having "episodes" The Dr. said he could be "sick" but it wasn't his heart. Maybe it is just Jett "getting attention!"

22

Jun 2007
3:23 AM MST

Melissa's baby girl was born today! I was a wreak waiting to hear but all went well so far!~ Maddilynne Mae was 7lbs 13 oz and 20.5 in. long! Still only 1/2 a heart but doing well. Kristin called mea nd said she is so beautiful and has lots of dark hair! I can't wait to see her. I feel like a bad friend, that I am not there to help and wish I could be a better friend but it is hard from so far away! I miss them all!

We are leaving to the lake tonight! I will go to Sundance and see J and San's new laundry mat and tanning beds and then tan and then get my camper and head back to Keyhole! It is sopossed to be HOT! so should be a great weekend to get AC/electric hookups! Cn is coming and so really looking forward to it.

21

Jun 2007
2:59 PM MST

Jett's chest looks like a burn victim from taking the sticky stuff off from the leads/monitor! agh! We have swimming lessons all this week and next. THe boys are doing great and are really showing improvement from last year! I am so happy they are enjoying it! THen after they swim at 10am they go to the rec daycare and I go to workout! More workout with Darla this week!

20

Jun 2007
2:56 PM MST

J saw DR. W yesterday. He said he couldnt say forsure if it was a sick sinus syndrome or not so he ordered more tests. So, J had an echo, EKG and came home with a 24 hour holter monitor. THe monitor was a pain in the but and he didn't really like it so much. BUT he did well and I am pround of him. I am so scrared !!! I am the most worried, 1 because I just worry a lot, 2 because I am the MOM, 3 because I lived with his dad and saw how scary it was to have a bad heart and the hell he went through and I can't bare seeing my son go through that! I pray it will all be okay and he will be FINE! but I don't know because J has been complaining of his heart "freaking out" and sure enough, when I feel his chest his heart is doing some weird stuff! THat scared the shit out of me! All, I can do is pray to God to take care of my baby boy and help me to be strong!

08

Jun 2007
1:04 PM MST

Found out J can see ped. cardiologist June 19th. I'm really nervous. My church body is praying for him!

We are going to Vanessa's wedding this weekend. CN is going with us and we are staying at Holiday Inn.

last weekend and all this week I have been a total bitch! I quit my AD a few weeks ago and I am really having issues and plus I am having my montly right now so have been super bitch! agh! I can't even stand to be around myself sometimes!

I have been working out quite a bit!Isometimes meet Darla at the gym, it is nice to have someone to "chat with" I am really struggling with body, self-image! i feel like I look like crap!~ I swear I am working my butt off but instead it is getting bigger! I just want to be skinny again!

04

Jun 2007
11:37 AM MST

THis was my last day of school/work! yeah! I am ready for summer! I missed my end of the year party because I had to take the boys to the DR. appt. It went well except the shots were awful,,, J had 5 and he tensed up so bad that his leg was so hard she practically had to jam the needle in to get it in! He screamed bloody murder and it took 2 of us to hold him down. THEN O didn't want to get his 1 little shot because he was scared after watching J.

Also, the Dr. said that she noticed a significant heart arythmia issue in JB that sounded like it could be a sick sinus syndrome. I am pretty sick about that. and so worried he is going to have his dad's heart and at such an early age! OH, I wish Donnie was here to help deal with this and maybe he could figure out exactly what Jett is feeling since he knew what weird heart stuff felt like! Damn him! I am starting to curse the day I meet DB! and why was I so stupid to have kids with him!

O's heartsounded fine and had grown just a little bit. She said, at least he is growing but still a "little twerp!"

we will meet with Dr. Washington, soon!

31

May 2007
1:46 PM MST

We went to Keyhole Thursday night (24th) with the new camper. We set it up and even had a little help from T and C. Then I went to my mom's for a late dinner and shared with her my true feelings about her loser boyfriend. I see him using her and I think it is really sad he hasn't had a job for over a year and is junking out her property! She knew all this but doesn't seem to care! I think she is scared because she is in way over her head!

THEN we stayed the night, 1st night in the camper, then Friday AM headed to town for work!~ I took the boys to Janes and even had time to get Starbuck! I was a happy camper!

FRI, Sat, SUn nights were at Keyhole with CN. It was a great time. jay and San got a spot right next to us and we all had a wonderful time. I cooked meals and everything worked well except for the battery on the camper! Linc charged it up for me. I guess he has to be good for something,,, then he actually rigged it so it would work till I could go get a part replaced!

It was kinda chilly so I didn't get in the water but everyone else did. Thars came out and they surfed! I guess I will have to try it sometime! Did I mention my inlaws actually watched the boys Monday, overnight and Tues. as I didn't have a sitter! I guess things went okay but I doubt they will offer anytime soon! I bet they wore them out!!!!

This week has been good except I have vertigo and had a messed up left shoulder! I went to Voodoo Paula and she seemed to do wonders on my shoulder but my vertigo is still around I don't really know what is wrong with me! I think it is combo of motion sickness from the boat and stress! I need school to be over so I can just CHILL for a couple of days!

This weekend we are going to Spearfish for CN's powerlifting meet! I need to get my camper back from the camper place in rapid and then get some yard work done!

20

May 2007
5:14 AM MST

I was pretty tried when I got back last night but I cooked pancakes and eggs for dinner, CK. stayed and hung out which I really like when she does that, it makes her feel more apart of the family instead of "just the babysitter" She is such a good girl and I am so proud of her!

Church today was okay but again I am so tired that I about fell asleep! Ang was there and that was nice to see her. Her son is graduating today and so she was all emotional! I was in the nursery and so it wasn't all that great. O joined Jett in sunday school today and appartently did well.

I am so tired I will probably lay down for awhile!

Next week is going to be crazy, I have to get my camper ready and spend LOTS of $ for stuff to put in it! like, paper products, sheets, matress pads, rugs, pillows, blankets! etc!!! WOW! LOTS Of stuff! I might be overwhelmed getting it full of water and hooked up and all that! It might be an ordeal getting it out to the lake and set up! this first time could be crazy! but I am still excited to "live in it" at the lake!

20

May 2007
4:21 AM MST

Questions answered by Jill:

Where did we meet:
>
> > > >Mr. Johnson's biology class 1991
>
> > > >
>
> > > >
>
> > > > Take a stab at my middle name:
>
> > > >Mae (and I know how to spell it)
>
> > > >
>
> > > >
>
> > > > How long have you known me:
>
> > > >16 years (yikes)
>
>
> > > >
>
> > > >
>
> > > > Do I smoke:
>
> > > >You USED to. And if you ever start again I'll kick the crap
>out of ya.
>
> > > >
>
> > > >
>
> > > > What was your first impression of me upon meeting:
>
> > > >Hmmmm.... I can't really remember but it must not have been
>too bad cuz here we are.
>
> > > >
>
> > > >
>
> > > > Color of my eyes:
>
> > > >Depends. I've seen them turn RED but most of the time they are
>blue.
>
> > > >
>
> > > > Do I have any siblings:
>
> > > >Jay
>
> > > >
>
> > > >
>
> > > > What's one of my favorite things to do:
>
> > > >Work out, drink coffee with long names, spend money (yes you
>do)
>
> > > >
>
> > > >
>
> > > > Do you remember one of the first things I said to you:
>
> > > >"What is the answer to number 1? Number 2? Number 3? ..."
>
> > > >
>
> > > >
>
> > > > What's my favorite type of music:
>
> > > >christian rock
>
> > > >
>
> > > >
>
>
> > > > What is the best feature about me:
>
> > > >Your bluntness. I appreciate honesty.
>
> > > >
>
> > > >
>
> > > > Am I shy or outgoing:
>
> > > >Duh! Outgoing.
>
> > > >
>
> > > >
>
> > > > Am I a rebel or do I follow the rules:
>
> > > >hee hee. You USED to be a rebel before the days of family and
>"adulthood".
> But now I would say you follow the rules, for the most
>part.
>
> > > >
>
> > > >
>
> > > > What's your favorite memory of me:
>
> > > >Gosh, I have a lot of memories. I have to say partying in
>college was pretty fun. But my single favorite was probably spring
>break in Havasu.
>
> > > >
>
> > > >
>
> > > > Any special talents:
>
> > > >Oh yes. You can hoc a loogie farther than ANYONE I know!
>
> > > >
>
> > > >
>
> > > > Would you consider me a friend:
>
> > > >Of course. But maybe I should buy you a calendar so you can
>remember my birthday. :)
> > > >
>
> > > >
>
> > > > How many children do I have:
>
> > > >3 (Sadie counts!)
>
> > > >
>
> > > >
>
> > > > If there was one
>good nickname for me, what would it be:
>
> > > >Pix
>
> > > >
>
> > > >
>
> > > > If you and I were stranded on a desert island, what is one
>thing that I would bring:
>
> > > >music
>

18

May 2007
5:07 AM MST

WEll, what long week it has been! I've really not felt well all week and I've been extra tired! If I didn't know better I'd think I was preggo because I am so tired! I need to get rested up and I don't see that happening anytime soon. I do know I have been staying up way to late the past few night!

Tomorrow, (sat)I am going to Casper for a Bodyshop training with Peggy! The boys are going to spend the morning with coworker/friend and then babysitter will pick them up from her house and walk them home and stay with them until I get home around 7pm.

The landscapers came and laid down edging and weedmats all along the back fence. IT looks good but it isn't finished! I have to finish the rest! I was trying to save some $ but now wonder if I should have just had them do it! AGH! oh well, I should be able to get it done the weekend after memorial day! Memoral day weekend we are going to Keyhole with the new camper, which I still haven't got ready yet!

I know we will stop by the cemetary in Moorcroft to visit "daddy" and leave him some flowers and a neat heartshaped stone I bought for him. It is pretty neat, it has 3 little hearts ingraved on it for (us) and the biggest heart is cut out (missing) Jett said that was Daddy because he was gone! that was pretty neat!

15

May 2007
5:12 AM MST

CN is headed to TX until Sunday the 2oth for a Four wheeler training class! I am going to miss him. SO, that means we won't see him for two weeks. We will miss him.

THe boys have really been trying me! Oakley scratched the side of my pickup last week! REALLY BAD! He's had one major issue after another, In the past three weeks or so: scratched the side of my pickup, stole from Jane, scraped his nose on her carpet so bad he ripped the skin off, got covered in mud twice, broke his crocs and numerous other things! I've about had it! When Oakley started being so bad, Jett has been better!

The Dork painters have been trying to paint my house. THey are pretty special, they have a different excuse almost everday as to why they didn't get enough done or couldn't come! AGH! I just want them to be done and it better look good, I'm kinda pickey!

There is major construction going on in our school so work is very hectic. I am tried of hearing saws and bobcats and chainsaws and all kinds of loud stuff. Needless to say, it isn't a very good learning environment. My students aren't doing too much as far as "real worK' We are all just ready for the end of the year!

15

May 2007
11:15 AM MST

Just for this morning, I am going to smile when I see your face and laugh when I feel like crying.

Just for this morning, I will let you choose what you want to wear, and smile and say how perfect it is.

Just for this morning, I am going to step over the laundry, and pick you up and take you to the park to play.

Just for this morning, I will leave the dishes in the sink, and let you teach me how to put that puzzle of yours together.

Just for this afternoon, I will unplug the telephone and keep the computer off, and sit with you in the backyard and blow bubbles..

Just for this afternoon, I will not yell once, not even a tiny grumble when you scream and whine for the ice cream truck, and I will buy you one if he comes by.

Just for this afternoon, I won't worry about what you are going to be when you grow up, or second guess every decision I have made where you are concerned. Just for this afternoon, I will let you help me bake cookies, and I won't stand over you trying to fix them. Jus t for this afternoon, I will take us to McDonald's and buy us both a Happy Meal so you can have both toys..

Just for this evening, I will hold you in my arms and tell you a story about how you were born and how much I love you.

Just! for this evening, I will let you splash in the tub and not get angry.

Just for this evening, I will let you stay up late while we sit on the porch and count all the stars.

Just for this evening, I will snuggle beside you for hours, and miss my favorite TV shows.

Just for this evening when I run my finger through your hair as you pray, I will simply be grateful that God has given me the greatest gift ever given.

I will think about the mothers and fathers who are searching for their missing children, the mothers and fathers who are visiting their children's graves instead of their bedrooms, and mothers and fathers who are in hospital rooms watching their children suffer senselessly, and screaming inside that they can't handle it anymore.

And when I kiss you good night I will hold you a little tighter, a little longer. It is then, that I will thank God for you, and ask him for nothing, except one more day.............

13

May 2007
4:36 AM MST

Happy Mother's Day to me! Friday the 11th I came over to Spearfish, dropped the boys off with J and S and then spent the evening with CN, Nothing special. We went out to dinner and the whole time I kept saying how I wished we could feel the special love we felt when we were first together. Actually all weekend I just felt like I was "just there" oh well, I am the invisible woman! Sat, we went to Rapid, got my camper! OH MY! TOO Much to know and remember! I am scared to take it out! THen we meet San with the boys at the mall and was able to get their pics taken. They all turned out so good that I ended up spending like almost 200.00! BUT- I am very happy they turned out so well! THen Austin stayed the night sat at CN's with us and all day Sunday, I was a mommy of "three" for mothers day. We (me and the three boys) meet the inlaws in Beula for dinner! It was okay. I dropped the camper off at my inlaws in moorcroft so I didn't have to park it in the dark! T and C will drop it off in my driveway tomorrow on their way to her chemo. I really like my new camper but I got 7 Miles to the gallon, so my pickup doesn't really like it! YIKES! I guess I just won't be hauling it as much as I thought! AGH! I need to get it all packed and ready to go and then I will haul it out the week before memorial day to get a spot!

03

May 2007
1:54 PM MST

Well, here's an update from last weekend and this week.

NO ONE showed up for the party, imagine that! OH well at least I tried.

I have been sick all week STILL! I feel awful and so I finally called the Dr. today when I started getting a sinus headache! and I am still having yellow snot throughout the entire day! Got antibiotics for sinus infection! started them tonight, on top of all the congestion and stuff I started getting these terrible farts tonight that turned into the runs! AGH! okay, TMI! but now I can honestly say, I should feel so blessed on the days I feel healthy! OH, I need to get well again, to work out again. I worked out yesterday (wed) for the first time since last Thurs. but then today I felt worse so I didn't go! :(

Sunday after we left Spearfish we stopped at T and C's for a family cookout! Then, we invited them to our house for dinner. I bbqed steak &potoatoes, made a salad, beans and cottage cheese. They seemed to enjoy it a lot. C kept saying it was nice to not have to cook and T said how he enjoyed playing with the boys and getting to see them and spend time with them! I know D is happy up in heaven right now that I invited them over and made an effort and let them see the boys! :)

I cut CN short tonight as I don't feel well and after taking MORE TYlenol cold (pm this time) my eyes are starting to cross as I write this So I better go to bed!

Might go to spearfish/rapid this weekend or might stay home and CN will come over,??? who knows

1 comment(s) - 06:24 AM - 05/19/2007

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smb's Profile

Username: smb

Gender / Age: Female, 49

Location: USA - Wyoming