smb's Journal

15

Jan 2007
3:09 AM MST

CN came over yesterday (sunday) for church. It was good to see him again (its been a long time, almost 2 weeks) He and I went to Stranger book study and then came home and watched a movie. I have been so sick! I got antibiotics on Friday (3 days). I had a bad sore throat Thurs-Sun. but last night my my sore throat got better and my head cold got much worse. I can't breath and I keep having these coughing fits choking up some phleme. AGH! Makes trying to sleep tough. My head and nose is so congested! Anyway, CN and I watched a movie called The Last Kiss. There was a guy in there who was unsure of his relationship and couldn't commit. We talked about me and my issues. I cried and told him that I do love him but the reason I can't love him whole-heartly is because what I really want is my husband back! I'd take Donnie back before CN or anyone! Poor CN. He delcared his love for me and the boys and just wants to be loved and he totally deserves the best. It was good to cry and greive over DB and CN was there to see me and hold me and try to greive with me. THis morning he took the boys to Janes and I took the day off! I really am sick!

10

Jan 2007
2:12 PM MST

"There's a difference between interest and commitment. When you're interested in doing something, you do it only when circumstance permit. When you're committed to something, you accept no excuses, only results." - Art Turock My throat started hurting last night. Since Otto had strep (mon) I had my school do a throat culture on J and me. I still don't feel worth a hoot but I bet mine is sinus infection beacuse my ears and head hurts too! I had a great arm workout Monday and they are actually sore, I LOVE THAT! I usually can't get them sore anymore! Tom came over for dinner- brought Hong Kong! Good but probably not the best for me~! CN told me that his dog (the one I hate and want him to get rid of because he is mean) ran away, attacked another dog and bit CN! WOW! I think that says something about this dog and CN's dog training ability. I was sworn to secrecy but I had to tell someone (Tom) He suggested to give him to someone who's going to take him hunting and work him alot and someone who doesn't have kids and who isn't afraid to whoop his butt! I thought that was a great idea! O has had two night waking up DRY in real underwear!!! J was jealous. Poor guy, I wish J would stop wetting the bed! That would be crazy to be done with diapers and pullups and all that! Getting close I think. Better get to bed, I still need to set out clothes for tomorrow and call CN.

10

Jan 2007
10:53 AM MST

CN Update:::: on New Years day we talked a lot about us and me and my behavior the night before! I guess we finally came to the conclusion that I was having another "I don't want to be tied down" issues! He's such a wonderful, awesome guy who is ALMOST perfect but for some reason I keep getting these "uninterested, wanna do my own thing, don't want to be tied down, need a little space" feelings! Who knows what is going on with me. I guess a lot has to do with still trying to grieve for DB and CN and I got together WAY TOO soon after his death! Also, CN is still being the over- barring, jealous annoying boyfriend. I know that drives me away! BUT- on the other hand, I love his help, he's great with the boys, he tries to please and he just plain loves me! WHAT A GUY! He's sticking with me even though I've been wishy-washy! BUT- I have been nothing but honest with him from the get-go! I feel like he wants what I can't offer!----- A serious relationship with PURE commitment, a marriage and maybe someday a baby of his own! I can't give him any of that and don't know when and if I ever could! I don't want to lose him, I enjoy his help and company and the hanky-panky isn't too bad either. OK, actually, its the best I've ever had! ;) I miss him when he's in Spearfish but yet I kind of enjoy the time to myself too! --------------------------------------------------- -------------------------------------------------------- ---------- I told him to see other people to make sure I was worth waiting for and there wasn't someone else out there who would be able to give him what he wants. I bet I kinda said that so I could also see other people! He hasn't taken me up on my offer yet! I kinda want my cake and eat it too but he could also have that if he wanted. I said I will still be here and if he finds someone else then HEY- whatever makes him happy! BUT- I believe he hasn't admitted that he might want to see other people (and we can still see eachother as well) because he doesn't want me to see other people! He's such a jealous freak! I just want him to be happy and I'm not into the Drama! I as for what I want, I don't know, just yet and therefore, I am sorta a basket case but oh well! Like I told him, I just need time and lots of it!

09

Jan 2007
2:04 PM MST

Gonna try to back track again!!!!-------------- --------- ----------------------------------------------- --------- The weekend of Dec 16th CN and I went to Billings to SHOP! I spend about 1200.00 but boy did we have fun~ ATE GREAT YUMMY Food and had fun in the motel room and just really had a good time~ ------------------ --------- ----------------------------------------------- --------- WED DEC 20th- last day of school -------------- --------- ------ Thurs. 21st, took Jett to school and Oakley to daycare, workedout then came home and wrapped presents, T and C came over with our annual box of FOOD! they stayed for about an hour and we talked about how hard Christmas is going to be. All three of us cried. Connie said "I keep thinking how unfair it is because you can always find a new husband but I can never find a new son!" I was like "well ya, but never will anyone be able to replace BUZZ~!" Later that night we went to Spearfish and stayed with CN------------------- --------- -------------------------- Fri Dec 22nd-23rd We went to CN's mom's house in Burke, SD. Got to see most of his family and exchanged gifts and just had a pretty good time in general. Jett had leg aches/growing pains the first night we stayed. CN and I got along well. ------------------------- --------- ----------------------------------------------- --------- Sunday Dec 24th We headed back to WY, dropped CN off at his sisters in Rapid and then went to T and C's for xmas dinner! That was weird with no presents for the kids to open. Everyone was nice. I think T and C liked their GRANDKIDS pictures in the frame that I made them. We went home that night just the three of us. I played SANTA.---------------------------------- --------- ----------------------------------------------- --------- Mon.Dec 25th We woke up, boys were excited about SANTA coming. Oakley got Deigo Tree house and a Toy box/organizer. Jett got a writing desk and a raiders helmet. We just hung out for awhile and then that evening headed to Sundance with a stop in at T and C's. THAT was a MISTAKE! They totally grilled the boys about "what they've been doing" SO of coarse Jett said we went to CN's mom's!!! SO I had to admit to them that we went! I know if given a chance they would grill the boys some more to get as much info as they can. I remember them doing that to Koda and WHit. I gave them the 8000.00 I owed them for the funeral so as far as I'm concerned they can kiss my you know what if they give me any greive about CN!!! LIke I've said before, He is way more help and support than all of them put together! ---------------------------- --------- ----------------------------------------------- --------- Tuesday Dec 26th we were at Jay and San's all day (we stayed the night before) that was good and lots of fun! I ate way TOO MUCH, that day and actually everyday since Christmas break started! We opened presents with mom and L in the AM, then they left and Dad came over and cooked us a prime rib! It was all very nice. I was surprised that Dad got me a shirt and was IT!!! I guess he figures I got the life insurance $ I could afford my own "fancy" presents this year! THe rest of Christmas break CN was here at our house. We just went and worked out everyday together and just hung out. We got a few things done around here! He put up really nice shelves in the den on both sides of the fireplace and did a few other things around here for me~ He was a super nice guy and lots of help. --------- ----------------------------------------------- --------- Dec 31st we went to the bucking ball with Jay and San and Tom. It was lots of fun,,, good entertainment, got to see lots of people I haven't seen in years and just enjoyed getting out. I was drinking and unfortuntely never really got drunk but yet I didn't feel so well the next day,,, had a headache and felt like I could barf any minute but NEVER did! CN was mad at me because I didn't pay enough attention to him because I was off chatting with my friends too much. He especially didn't appreacite me talking to MOE! YES I got to see MOE! WAY COOL! I've missed him. I filled him in on the major details and then we just mainly sat next to eachother (for like 15 min) saying how we couldn't believe we were actually really looking at eachother. He made several comments about how good I look and and he even said how he use to love me once. I did feel some excitement when I was around him but I know we will never be together more than friends. I know I am just NOT his type. We did talk about getting together when he comes to StockShow in Rapid (end of Jan) just to hang out! I'd have to be drunk to sleep with him again! I sopose he's been around the block a time or two with being out on the ProRodeo curcuit for the past 10 years so who knows if he has cooties! I also ran into TJ C. and he was looking good. THEN Lulu asked me if I wanted to meet a guy who wanted to meet me. I declined! BUT it did kinda sort of peak my interest that guys were actually interested in me!~

06

Dec 2006
1:33 PM MST

Busy last few days,,, acutally, I am back on the GO, GO, GO, schedule! Get up, get ready, get the boys ready, take O to daycare, go to work, take J to preschool, deal with the feeling of always being behind! Then rush out, go workout, feel rushed through that, go pick up J and then O and come home and cook dinner, clean, yell at the boys, bathe them, get them in bed, call CN and go to bed,,, and DO IT ALL again then next day! --- I started taking my Z again (the week after thanksgiving) so I could function and stop being such a partypooper and a cry baby! It is already helping. Although today was tough, I just didn't feel like being around people and was very short tempered with the boys! MONDAY NIGHT: I talked to Tom and Connie and was able to avoid the THanksgiving talk. Koda came over Monday night for 2 hours while waiting for a dance to start. CN came over too and so Koda got to meet my "friend" My mom helped out by watching/keeping O sunday night and monday. THen she stayed and hung out while I went to the gym with CN,,, I always love going to the gym with him! here lately, I am all "in love" and thinking he is "incredible" WHich he is~ He loves me and loves the boys and is such a great guy! --- J walked in on us fooling around and probably "saw more than he should have" but at least we weren't doing the nasty or anything~ He LUCKILY hasn't said anything~! Hopefully he's forgot and doesn't say anything to someone else~ I am looking foward to next weekend when we go to Billings~! I hope the weather is GOOD and we can actually go. I am going to miss CN this weekend, he has to teach another weekend long class this weekend in Eastern SD! We miss him pretty bad when he is gone~ I might try to get Koda for the weekend. and I can watch the Rodeo all weekend and hopefully get some scrapbooking done~!

02

Dec 2006
4:02 AM MST

Oh it has been so long since I wrote.... lots has happened. Wed before THanksgiving I stopped at my inlaws. They so KINDLY gave me D's 8000.00 funeral bill so I can PAY THEM! They didn't get defensive about CN but did ask where he was from and his last name "because they thought they recognized him" BUT really they don't know him at all!!! They wanted me to come for THANKSGIVING and had just invited me that day,,, the day before thanksgiving wasn't going to work for me! I was in a badass mood and didn't want to be around anyone. SO, I lied to them about where I was going and headed off to be with CN for the weekend. We went to his sisters for Thanksgiving dinner, it was nice. Then we took the boys to Happy Feet in Rapid which was fun. It was a nice relaxing weekend (in Spearfish). We got to work out Thursday and Friday which was great. ----- I haven't talked to my inlaws since. Jett was sick on Monday so I stayed home from work and felt "behind all week" I am busy with Body Shop orders and lots of other stuff!!! it is always, Going, going, going!!!!

21

Nov 2006
2:53 PM MST

I still haven't heard from my inlaws! I am pretty hurt they haven't invited me to Thanksgiving... as I found out from someone else they ARE having it at their house this year and did't let me know! I am sure they are talking bad about me and my "new man" I am sure I am a "fluzy",,, I was never good enough for their precious baby and I guess I'm still NOT! I would kind of like them to accuse me of something or try to "blame me" as I might come un-glued and "let em have it!" CN has been nothing but wonderful help and support for me! where the hell have they been and specially where have DB's brothers been! I am so hurt they have made NO attempt to come over here, offer to help or even try to spend time with their nephews! AGH! I am trying to "be the better person" and NOT talk bad about them but it is tough. I am going to CN's and his sisters for Thanksgiving because my inlaws haven't invited me yet and I am so mad at them right now I probably can't be around them and "be nice", besides,,, CN wants me to come with him and he deserves US!!! He WANTS US!!!! unlike my dead husbands family! THe boys and I went to Koda's ball game tonight, her mom said, THANKS for coming, more than her dad can do, he still hasn't showed up for 1 game yet" SO, if he can't even show up for his own daughters basketball games how can I expect him to see us!!! I am still missing DB so much, I have been lovin on my boys and praying over them so much lately! I am so blessed to have them! I need them! I am thankful for my boys, my brother & his family, my parents, my wondeful friends and co-workers,,, lots of people have invited me for Thanksgiving! I am so blessed to have them ALL!!! AND-- I love them ALL!!!!

16

Nov 2006
5:55 AM MST

Still haven't heard from my inlaws. I am dreading my next conversation with them! I am can just imagine the rumors that are going around, within the family, right now! I need to go to Walmart tonight and get Matt's birthday present (think I will get him a walmart music downloads card for his MP3 player). Wonder if they will say anything,,, Miss CN a little but it is nice to have some space again! He will be back in two days. Kooper got Fixed today! WOO-HOO! Hope it helps him be nice! I still worry we are going to have problems with him thinking he is the boss! I think he needs to be "taken down" but I don't think CN knows how to or is scared to! CN is getting his tooth worked on today! HOPE that goes well! BETTER GET BACK TO WORK!

14

Nov 2006
1:41 PM MST

What a busy last few days. CN is still here! He and my brother put in my new flooring in the kitchen in about 3 hours last night! It is beautiful! Should be for what I paid for it!!! BUT I LOVE my NEW kitchen! It looks so good! CN worked on "finishing" it (trim boards etc) all day! THEN when I came home there were flowers for me! He's amazing! I do love him!?!?! my inlaws called and said they were at the Jr High and wanted to stop by. I was so worried, and really wanted to "kick CN out" for a few hours while they came over but instead I had him stay and acted as if he were just a friend who came over to do my floor and I was cooking him dinner to "thank him" Well, that isn't a lie! I didn't want to make it a big deal~! But yet I also felt I couldn't ask him to leave when he's been here for over a week being my "right hand man" and helping me out more than ANYONE else in my life right now!~ I am sure they have tons of questions and are upset to see a man sitting in their son's chair at the dinner table! HOW hard that must be for them! I can't imagine! However I feel, A little sugar coating, on my part, doesn't hurt~! I want them to gradually work into the idea that I may have moved on,,, but I can just imagine that they are going to be "checking" for his pickup in the driveway and asking the boys and just "checking up on me" I know how they are!!! OH well, I can't feel guilty! I didn't do anything wrong and CN is the most wonderful guy I could've ever found to be with us... I know CN will NEVER replace D but he sure could fit into our family and he helps makes us happy (all of us!) LORD JESUS- I thank you for this day, I pray for Tom and Connie that they can understand and accept and hopefully even learn to like CN! I pray for You to help me feel okay about this and ease my mind that I made the right decisions, tonight and even for the past few months! I love you JESUS! AMEN

10

Nov 2006
3:26 PM MST

CN was here all week. He helped a lot with the boys since they were sick. My mom watched them Monday and CN stayed with them Tuesday and Wed night when I had parent/teacher conferences. He cleaned out my gutters, cleaned the fan in the bathroom and did a few other things around here! Amazing that he just keeps doing things for me and not just little things! We went to Sheridan to get my oil changed and again CN watched the boys for 2 hours in the motel room while they worked on my pickup (redid all of the window visors as they were falling off and rotated my tires). Then we went to uncle Marks and Marty cooked us dinner. It was great to see my uncles and as always the boys loved riding on Mark's lap. Oakley peed on Mark and of coarse he didn't even know it. I said,"Uncle Mark, I am so sorry my kid pissed on you" and he said, "oh that's okay, it will be fun telling people I scared the piss out of your kid" Funny stuff: Oakley called this short old man in Homedepot and "UmpaLumpa" IT was SSOOOOO funny! J is in Thermop with his Aunt San and baby cousin. Sounds like he is having a good time. Prayers for: Connie and Tom- strength, Resann and Jett- mercy and safty, Oakley- health, CN- safty, Dad- to believe, Mom- realize the truths in her life, Kim K's family- for God to pull them in during this tragic time, Sara- to let me help her and for belief, Stacy P- to reconnect, Me- for me to stay healthy and to be able to help me help others, God please put me where I need to be and show me the signs and just talk to me so I know the words to say and what to do so I can work for You! Amen Thank you Jesus!

05

Nov 2006
1:59 PM MST

Hum, okay weekend I guess. Friday night the church girls came over and we enjoyed a relaxing CRANBERRY THEME foot soak and painted toenails. It was so fun. (1st time I've ever prayed outloud infront of those people.) I am glad I had them over! Sat I slept in until almost 8!!! Went to look for a new Cell phone but didn't get one as the cheapest one was 300.00 until April when I can renew my contract! I got to Moorcroft by 10:45 to scrapbook with Andrea and her mom. It was nice, I got 4 pages done. Mom kept the boys Friday night so she brought them into Andrea's Sat afternoon. Jett was fine and then all of a sudden he was SICK! He has a sore throat, fever, achybody, headache and even threw up Sat night. Koda came to stay Sat and SUn night. I am a little disapointed that she is "so lazy" and isn't willing to help out. I even had to tell her to clear her own plate from the dinner table! AGH! I swear she can be so ungrateful! I soppose when my own kids are that way I might SNAP them in half! Been missing CN quite a bit! What a change from a few weeks ago. I don't know why, I just hope I can "stay consistent" and hopefully he doesn't "annoy me" too much! OHI, how bad is that! I love him again but don't know how much. I miss DWB TONS! I want him back so bad! I just hope and pray he is happy in Heaven and so if that is the case I need to be happy for him and move on with my life right?? Like, I have to accept that HE LEFT ME!!! Is CN the one? I wish DWB could send me a sign and let me know what he thinks of CN and if I should be with him! I think he is great for me and the boys but is he "my type"? Prayers for: Tom and Connie Paster Bill and Kim (safe travels to get the new car in PA) Pam and her entire family JB who is so sick! my mom myself and OB to stay healthy!!!! CN- tooth appt tomorrow

02

Nov 2006
7:18 AM MST

(back tracking) It was so nice to be with CN Sunday and Monday. We worked out together Monday afternoon, that was all great until I went smashed my finger between two weights, it was nasty but is getting better already, NOT broken. I guess I am "on again" with CN and that makes me feel bad because I tend to be "on again or off again" and he doesn't care! HUM! I guess he just loves me so much he can't help it! I think him "playing harder to get" made me be more attracted to him. He needs to learn how to "play his cards right with me" but he isn't that kind of "player" kind of guy! I talked to Sara last night. God has laid it on my heart to "help her" I pray God will give me the words to say and somehow open up her heart to Jesus! Boys are good, happy and BUSY! I'm gonna go workout, (legs yesterday) Arms today. THen I need to clean my house tonight to get ready for my church girls body shop party, tomorrow night.

02

Nov 2006
6:24 AM MST

We had a great weekend (Oct 27-29) in CO. with Melis, the weather was great, we got to go to the mall, went shopping (Vickies and TBS) and took the boys to the playland in the Mall. We spend 150.00 at Old Navy and another 100.00 at Target. Then we went to lunch at Johnny Carino's and then we went home and the Pumpkin Patch in the evening. J and O were pretty darn good. We ate at Red Lobster (just the three of us) in Chey. on the way home! LC was going to meet us but couldn't make it because she was sick! We got home around 7:00pm (with the crazy time change). I called CN and had him come over Sunday night, so he was at my house when we got home. IT was nice to see him! I missed him a bit!

25

Oct 2006
12:31 PM MST

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And the wisdom to know the difference." - Serenity Prayer, Reinhold Niebuhr AhHH! WED, well, yesterday and today have been pretty bad with severe back cramps! I swear it feels like I am about ready to have a baby! AHG! I also feel like some of it is emotion/stress! I need to get back on something I guess! Or I might ask the Dr. if I can try YAZ, the pill that helps with PMS and moodswings! J had TY over tonight, that was good, he's always good but O on the other hand about drove me to drink! First, Jane called me and said that he scratched a girl down the face, then he fought with his brother when we got home, then he hit TY, made a mess in the bathroom and made a mess at dinner (all intentional)and tore his bedding off of his bed. SO, his consequence was NO movie (that brother got to watch) and went to bed early 7:00. Well, he just got out of his room for the 7th time in an hour and a half. I swear, it is awfully hard to not be down right pissed at DB for leaving me with "HIS" boy! TO take care of him all by myself. HE acts just like his father! Didn't workout today, instead I stayed later at work and went tanning. Then I called DM and talked to her about her daughter, I'd love to help the girl out, it is really on my heart to help her find the Lord but she is a tough one! I don't know if she will let me help her or not! She might not "be ready" but I will try! Well, my back REALLY hurts, (4) and so I better go lay down! THen I went

23

Oct 2006
12:45 PM MST

Yesterday (Sunday) was a pretty good day, CN came over, went to church, my mom came and watched the boys for about 5 hours while CN and I went to lunch, shopping, worked out and dinner! It was fun! nice to "get away" then we went to Pastor B's for our book study! It was great having CN beside me again until we got to the 10 commandments part and rule #7 sucks, Thou shall not commit adultry, and the book said, 'you can't have sex with someone unless you are married to them! Well, that pretty much puts a damper on my sex life since I said I will NEVER get married again! when we got home, CN did a great job of getting me to "forget about rule #7 until after- then I felt guilty! (I am sorry God, I need to have more will power! HELP!!!) Today was an okay day but just VERY tired, only got about 4 hours of sleep last night! AGH! I don't sleep well with CN, don't know why, I had a Frameworks Class this afternoon and then got some errands ran, I am very close to getting all I need to get things sent off to the mortgage companies to get things in my name! I should have done that MUCH sooner! what was I thinking!? I am my mother's daughter, will put it off and put it off! Aunt Flow came it visit today, my low back is KILLING ME! I need to call the DR. and get something for this, it is BAD! Im wishing I had some of DB's painpills right now. yeah, right, he use to offer them to me and I wouldn't take them! like I would now! talked to his mom, I feel so bad for her. She is really missing her baby boy too! We all do! Her cancer is slowly starting to get worse,,, I need to prepare myself but DON'T want to! ONE bad thing after another! I have to stop asking, when will it end!? I also need to count my blessings that I am so lucky to have what I have,,, and THANK YOU LORD for taking care of me financially! What a wonderful thing that I didn't even have to fight it! BUT- I am scared to tell too many people for fear I won't "really get it" I am too wierd about that kind of stuff, I am excited to go to FT Collins, can't wait to see the Frenchies! MISS EM!

21

Oct 2006
6:21 AM MST

Doesn't seem like it has been since Tues. that I last wrote! Been busy and not a whole lot to "vent" about. Lets see, CN and I are talking every night, but NOT saying 143. I am trying to "just be friends" and he is very upset about not getting to see us and wants everything back to normal. It sounds like he's started venting to his friends and they don't sound too pleased with me but oh well,,, don't really care what they think. He will probably come over for church and an afternoon with ME. mom P might come watch the boys. I have been pretty emotional. I keep thinking and replaying the day DB died... and how rude I was to him on the phone right before he died and how I'd give anything (except my boys' lives) to back up and be given a second chance to say "I LOVE YOU" I am hurting so bad, and miss him so bad! I've been crying a lot more and just want to be "healed" and "better" and "over it" but I Know it doesn't work that way! POOF, wish I had a magic wand! Found out about his life insurance (private entry). I am VERY emotional about that all right now. We didn't go to FT collins,,, will go next weekend when the weather is better, it has been snowy, blowy and cold! SO, I am glad I got to go to the Christian woman's fellowship thing at GBC... it was really fun and nice to "get away" but I almost cried like 5 times. Last night I talked to Jill for an hour and half and that was great! It might seem like she isn't "there for me" but she is,,, just a phone call away, hey what are best friends for!? and she is just that! I am so grateful for my friends! What a blessing, it just sucks that I have to swallow my pride and call them first but when I do they are always "there for me" Not getting much sleep, I talked to CN last night until 12:20 and then O woke me up at 6:20 and I never really got to go back to sleep after that! OH, my knees are hurting me,,, I don't want to have to go in but I know i need to have them looked at, they are just getting worse, specially my left!

18

Oct 2006
3:40 AM MST

letter to CN

LETTER TO CN:

I am sorry for last night! I am sorry I am co-dependent and "try to control you". I wish I could make us LOVE eachother like the kind of love I want and the kind you deserve. but quite frankly I feel like neither of us are giving or getting the love! I don't know why: who and what you are, isn't enough! I guess I feel the need to change you. This makes me feel like we are NOT meant to be together because if I truly loved you, I wouldn't want to change you, right? You are not what I need. I need someone who is lively and passionate about me and someone who follows through with ideas and concerns (of mine). Therefore, I really think we would be better off without eachother. I know we have been saying this for over a month now and I just don't know how much longer we should keep drawing this out. We need serious help or this relationship is DONE! I am tired of you minimizing everything when I bring this stuff up. I don't understand why you are okay with a half-assed relationship! TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT!!! Do you want me (+ the boys) or are we DONE???? I feel like I need to make it work for the boys! I know I will never find a guy like you when it comes to the boys,,, and one who is so "healthy". I love that about you! BUT, honestly, that and the sex isn't enough to hold us together. I want this to be an awesome love where I feel madly deeply, passionately IN LOVE with you (without the sex as the glue)!? DON'T YOU WANT THAT? or do you not care that we have a mediocre relationship??? I feel so desperate but yet so helpless! I am afraid what will happen is we will keep doing this... I bring it up, we talk, nothing happens, nothing changes and we are fine for awhile till I feel the emptiness again, and then it starts all over... HOW LONG do we do this? When do we finally just cut our losses and say GoodBye!? I guess I have to draw the line somewhere... (I know I am not perfect and have things to work on) I am willing to work on it and really give it one last ditch effort but if this (what we are doing right now) happens again, I would say we should be done, because of obvious reasons. Please tell me what you want and what you need and if you want to try to make it work or if you want to be done now. I need to know exactly how you are feeling and we need to make some decisions! I need to talk to you about this before I decide if I am coming over. OKAY! BTW-I will always love you...no matter what happens to us, I will love you as the awesome friend that you have been and I hope will continue to be!

17

Oct 2006
1:18 PM MST

another day! Thank you God, I made it through, not quite sure how, after how it started out! I hit something on the way to work (something blew out in front of me or something!) anyway, got a nice hole in my passenger side, front tire! SO , I dropped J off at school and headed back into town and went straight to COOP, I made it before I was driving on the rim! Got back to work but had to take an hour off! AGH! Then I picked J up from school, took him to Janes, went to the dentist, got my teeth cleaned! and then I picked the boys up and went to the REC, (*REC daycare open from 4:30-8:00pm!) I only did 10 min. on the treadmill, I am so OUT OF shape because I don't have TIME! but oh well, still making time to lift and it SHOWS! I am pretty proud of how I look! WOOHOO! Wish D could see me now, wonder if he'd be proud! I MISS HIM! THEN by the time we got out of the REC we were all starving so I went through BK drive thru and got dinner! AGH! Oh well, quick and easy. What a busy day! I was actually gone from the house over 11 hours! Poor Sadies! She seems like she is doing okay but I feel like I have to prepare myself for her to kick the bucket, possibly any day! TIRED, sore and grouchy, gotta get to bed, don't know if I will call CN... don't really want to but feel like I should!

16

Oct 2006
2:30 PM MST

HUMMMM, what a day, Last night (24 hrs ago) I went to the these websites, Loveadvice and askmen.com and it was men giving men advice about woman. The repeated message was woman need their interest level to be above 51% or they are going, going, gone~! and how men need to quit being "whipus americanus!" and stop pressuring, all that does is push em away. I even sent CN a link to one, that was at least nice and not so blunt. Do you think he went there? NO! I am really losing interest FAST! I'd say my interest level is down to 25%! I wasn't going to call him, and he called me, interupting my show I am trying to get into! AGH! BUT, I talked to him and it was fine until we went to hang up and it was like I wanted to say, "well, have a nice week, or have a nice month!" I'm just not into him right now, not at all! BUT, who knows, maybe that will change tomorrow! As up and down as I have been its hard to say. Work was fine, boys were fine, but just didn't listen very well, but that's nothing new! Took Jett to counseling, tried to get my counseling bills figured out. they are over $600.00 Went for a walk since I didn't get to workout, and won't tomorrow either since I have a dentist appt! I will only get to work out Wed. and so maybe I need to find an alternative for these days, like taking the boys with to the REC later in the evening! Gotta do something! I gotta have my workouts! Evonna called (D's cousin) and still wants to take me out to dinner for a late birthday dinner, probably with andrea too! Will be good to see them, I've always trusted them and enjoy sharing my heart with them, they are a safe, non-judgemental place for me to talk! LOVE them! Hopefully Stacey T and I can make it out to dinner WED. she is just too busy! I feel like I don't want to bother her anymore, her life is too busy for me I don't want to cause problems, I know her hubby is frustrated when she wants to go out because they are just too busy, I think they are probably over commited and don't prioritize.... I guess I think I should be on the top of everyones priority list! BUT I KNOW for a fact (the way the phone hardly ever rings)that I am not even close to the top,,, and not just of Stacey's list but everyone else who is "my friend" OH well, they have a life to lead and it wasn't their husband who died! Well, O puked in the toybox at daycare today, she called me but I said he probably won't do it again, and he DIDN'T! and he peed his pants! That was sad, he hasn't had an accident in probably 3-5 weeks and he has been waking up dry! I am about ready to take him out of pull-ups,,, NOW J on the other hand is wetting the bed almost every night! Wish he could get it figured out! I am sure the Stress of being daddyless isn't helping though! Well I am hungry and tired, and missing my Buzz! I need to go pray to God to give me strength to get through another day!

15

Oct 2006
1:20 PM MST

Whatever we worship, short of God, is sure to be our undoing." - Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic's Notebook, 1960 What a beautiful Sunday it was! J and O and went to church today. We left early enough to go to Albertsons, get my coffee and a few other things, then we got to church so early we had lots of time to unload our goodies (snacks for all of the classrooms, lots of cups and cleaning supplies) And then I cleaned the nursery! (Agh, those stinky mice!) I was in the nursery the 2nd half because the one who was soposed to be there didn't show and I am not going to be there next weekend So I guess her and I traded. I felt really GOOD in the nursery. I was structured, and IN CONTROL! Got 3 compliments! and Jo told me she thought I should consider being "in charge of the nursery" Not sure that is a job I want to take on but I might consider it! my para finally came, I hope she and her husband liked it! THE BOYS were SOOOO GOOD all morning! WOW! SO, we went to MC D's and got lunch and took it to the park! They were so deserving! Would have been perfect without the wind. Ran into Amy (D's cousin) and we talked about churches and family etc for about 40 min. Not quite sure why but O doesn't seem to want to nap the last few days! He finally fell asleep today around 4, I woke him at 5 for dinner. RIght now he is STILL Awake at 9:20 and he was put in bed over an hour ago! Jenn and her 4 boys came over for dinner, that was CRAZY but nice. I feel bad because twice I told Jenn how her 11 year old was being disrespectful! I had to call her and say I was sorry and that I would try to be more helpful rather than point out the obvious!~ DUH, she already knows her kid is a disrespectful BRAT,,, Wonder if she would read/apply love and logic! Book study was good but Gloria was there and she just asked too many questions and so we didn't get anywhere. In fact we didn't start reading until 7:30, SO we only got to the end of chapt. 6! AGH! Overall, I was pretty happy, positive and "felt Good" SO, now my question is how do I act like a crabby, sad, pathetic baby one day and the next have a positive, upbeat, great day! Who knows maybe I am Bipolar! HAHAHA!

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smb's Profile

Username: smb

Gender / Age: Female, 49

Location: USA - Wyoming