On the way home from Burke we had a "talk" and it continued through the evening...
I said, I can tell he hasn't been happy, I've been too bossy, too negative, emotional and too impatient. Who would want to spend the rest of their life with "THAT"?? He said I have been those things and so those are things that makes him wonder if we are right for eachother. I said, I just want to be loved for who I am, and my TYPE A personality because that will probably NEVER change. I do need to change in the area of just being "nicer" and not so demanding and picky about every little thing but honestly, I've tried to change that, but its in my genes so I don't know how much that will really change. We both argreed we love eachother and always will...
He hasn't been "talking to me" /communicating about important things for over a month. I have been trying to work on the house plans and I needed to know if this merge (to Sundance) was really going to work because I was about to give up a lot... my house, and my job OR having to drive LOTS, it was just a lot to do and change if things weren't going to "work out." Cory finally told me today that he wasn't able to move to Sundance because of his job and asked if I would move to Spearfish but he undertood that I have a good job and a good situation in Gillette. I said, I wouldn't move to Spearfish and give it all up ,,,the main reason is: I want LAND for animals and to raise my boys in the country. If I buy land in Spearfish it would cost LOTS more than Sundance. PLUS IF I got a job in Spearfish I would take a $12,000 cut in pay so I'd be NOT as well off finacially! So, not a finacially smart move for me!
I also said I want (and he should want this too) to KNOW that I KNOW, that I KNOW that I want to marry and spend the rest of my life with him before I commit anymore. Sadly, I don't "KNOW" and I he doesn't either... doesn't that say something? we are NOT meant to be together. I am totally broken hearted because I do know that I could date 20 more guys and never find a man like Cory. He is amazing! I love so many things about him. He is awesome to the boys and I know he'd be a great daddy to them.But him and I need to make it "real" first and we can't seem to do that.
Another thing that has had me kind of upset is: He hasn't done anything "nice" for me in a LONG time! He use to surprise me and give me special things or a card or just do little sweet things but lately none of that. I only got flowers from him once ortwice and that wasso long ago I barely remember. Not thatI need flowers but I need a little Romance. Maybe that's because he's been so busy doing"dirty" work for me,,, painting,installing new light fixtures, and in general just staying busy "taking care of us". but I need more than that... in the area of LOVE. He hasn't told me I'm beautiful or anything. He can't look deeply into my eyes and tell me how he's so in love with me! (maybe because he's NOT!?) I am guessing he hasn't been making much effort towards making this relationship work because he's gotten "comfortable" OR he feels I haven't been worthy of anything Lovey beacause of my awful behaviors (listed above). Who knows, but I do know that we aren't IN LOVE anymore.
Lastly, the qualities that MR. Perfect isn't so perfect in are the passion and communication. He isn't passionate about me,,, and the above paragraph proves that. He just doesn't have that Passion that I'm looking for in a man. Also, I can't stand him NOT talking to me. As I said over a year ago I get tired of bringing upconcerns and him writing it off as "nothing". It wasn't NOTHING or I wouldn't have said anything about it and so I want to know he is listening and wants to talk things out to help me work out the problem. He's done this about the merge/house/land plans SSSOOO many times in the past several months. AGH! I get so frustrated when he won't talk or acts like he just doesn't care~!
God, I love him so much but I just don't think he is the one for me~! I wish so bad he was because I want him so much,but deep down in my heart I feel I can't go on with this relationship always wanting things to change. I don't think that is what a "near perfect relationship" is sopossed to be. It should be two people who totally respect and love eachother so much that they love eachother regardless of their personality issues. AND they don't want to change the other person or themselves. I just want to be loved for who I am... and I want to love my "husband" for who he is and I don't want to have feelings of wishing he would change all the time. I know no one is perfect and there's never a perfect relationship... there's got to be give and take and total repsect! Cory and I don't seem tohave that.
I am scared I won't have the strength to let him go... I want him back even knowing we probably aren't meant to be together. WHY? Am I just afraid of being alone? Did we get together too soon after DB died? WHY? and why can't we just love and respect eachother regardless of our personality flaws? I don't know,,, but I know I don't want to be ina relationship that just does't feel right. I'm sure there is a girl out there who is "more right" for him! He wants to get married, he wants to have a baby and he deserves to be loved and repsected and have some one who doesn't treat him like crap! (By the way, I have been thinking I will get remarried and possibly even have another baby if it all feels right,,, IF I know that I know, that that's what I really want!)
I guess, as heartbreaking as this is, Cory and I are NO LONGER!
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