smb's Journal

Jan 2008
12:34 PM MST

THE EMAIL (sunday am)

WOW, I have been gone since Wed night and here today is Sunday! I feel like it has been pretty crazy weekend. Too bad Jett has been sick! That has really sucked, but at least it has been quiet and less fighting!

So, where exactly are we? I thought I would feel 100% sure about us when you said you wanted us. BUT- since you weren't totally convincing and had to think about it I am a little worried about us. BUT, I won't dwell on it. I want to be happy and be at peace with our discussion but I want to make sure it is God's plan and not ours. I really think we need to make that commitment to be true to each other, true to ourselves and most of all true to God! With all things Praise God! IF you doubt us or doubt you should be with us (forever) then I need to know! PLEASE promise to be truthful with me and don't lead me on if it isn't US you want!
IF you want to try dating other people (Renee) or whatever, I need to know, (even though I don't think that would be true to you or fair to her unless you are truly over us) which I know is what happened to us when you and I got together too soon after Donnie. (Sorry)
I also know the reason I was "okay" with us breaking up New years eve,,, because un-beknowing to be I was needing to deal with issues and didn't really think i was deserving of you. BUT-NOW- even though sometimes I have to "brain wash" myself into believing I am good enough to deserve true love,,,, I AM!

Okay, so you say you love me enough to want us to be a family.,,, I didn't hear "forever" in there and that is okay for now,,, I wonder if we still need some time to soul search and deal with issues and bettering ourselves in order to be the best life partner. Baby, I love you! I picture in my mind what we could be! and how great that should be! I want the kind of love with you that everyone else goes "WOW, they are so in love" because we truly are!!!! Here's a dream morning,, years from now,,, I want us to be snuggling and loving on each other, in OUR big comfy bed, in OUR house, with OUR Kids running in and jumping in bed with us! I want you to be able to look me in the eyes and say how much you love me and can't imagine if you would've let me go! I just need to feel that love (real love) and You'll be SOOO loved back! You won't ever have to question my love for you, and I'd likethe same for me! THAT's what I want,,,
but we need to be "ready" to get to that place! We need to let all our past loves and hurts GO! We need to get our heads CLEAR and prepared for that kind of love! We need to get to that place that we can whole heartedly COMMIT and then never look back! I know we AREN'T there yetbut maybe someday!

I think it is a good idea to still have time to ourselves some now, to work on ourselves with God by our side! PLEASE pray about it, when you are worried or scared, pray, TELL GOD! He will hear you, and you need to listen,,, listen to the feelings you get. I think He will tell you and the more you are listening the sooner you get the answer!
So, that being said, I think we should keep our phone time to a minimum and we don't have to see each other ever weekend! We survived 23 days without each other recently!
I Don't want to say this and you Don't want to hear this but,,, (I want your opinion) Don't you think we should abstain until we are 100% committed(married)? God isn't okay with casual sex and we know how to find GOOD SEX, You find it with your Husband or Wife. remember that sermon!?

I want to finish getting my house ready to sale! and get it sold! THEN I will move and I can move to Spearfish IF (big IF) we have THAT (the above) kind of love!!! By the time the house sales and school is over (MAY) we should know one way or the other right? If we STILL aren't sure about us, I think that would be a sign!

In the meantime work on YOU, being the best potential Godly, husband and father! I know you, you do want to be the best but those are two jobs you'd have to take serious! I will do the same, I will work on my anger, control freak issues, and being the best Wife and mother I can be! OKAY!
I love you and want to love you more!
I am SO SORRY about last night! that wasn't fair to you, I should've been totally honest with you before hand.Since you had been drinking, I did what I would've done with Donnie if he came home drunk, because you can't argue with a drunk! Again, I am sorry! Sorry enough to change and not let that happen again! I love you baby!

I hope this all makes sense, I will talk to you soon!

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smb's Profile

Username: smb

Gender / Age: Female, 49

Location: USA - Wyoming