So you can say everyone is always excited about their birthday.. well yay :/ I'm not ecstatic..
My mom was really looking forward to this birthday.. she was always planning on what she was gona do for me.. and now that she isnt with me it hurts.. :/ like I really wish she could be down here with me.. and I miss her terribly.. You have no idea. I honestly feel like theres a big empty hole in my heart. I wish she would appear in my dreams again and wish me happy birthday and be with me the whole nite.. I cnt tell you how bad it hurts.. like how am i suppose to celebrate my birthday.. this is my first birthday with her physically here with me. this is the first birthday where she isn't going to wake me up with las ma�anitas :( or she isnt going to hugg me and tell me "feliz cumplea�os" happy birthday.� But i guess the only reason i decided to do something was for my mom. I mean i know she wouldnt want me to be home and be sad :/ i know she would want me to have fun! And the only reason I'm doing it , is for her! I promised my mom I'd be strong just for her.. I'm doing it all for you mommy.. It hurts terribly but I really want you to be looking down over me.. please do.. I just need� you, and though you cant be with me on my birthday, I just want you to know I'm trying my best down here for you.. im trying not to break down everyday and Everything I do is gona be for you momy..
rest in paradise.. i love you mommy with all my heart.. please watch over me..
So it's finally christmas time <3 And it's been a long year that passed by in an instant. So much has happen during this year.. Great Things, as well As Horrible things. But you know you gotta make the best out of everything no matter how tough it is. So this is the first christmas i spend without my mother. and it;s been about 6 weeks since she passed away. I lie to myself and say she went on a very long vacation hoping that she'd be back.But i cnt lie to myself like this you know..� Yesterday we went to go decorate her tomb, and it ended up looking very pretty. I just hope she's happy and knows that we will try our best to continue living.. i know its going to be hard but everything I do is not only gona be for me. but everything i do is gonna be for my mom. I wana make her proud, and Mommy, Merry christmas. :) I know it was ur fav holiday and i hope your having a great time in heaven <33 Watch over me please. I love you with all my heart :) �Rest in peace Mamacita<3 :]
So, my life is going pretty good right now. I have tough days but i get over them. On wednesday is 3 months with my boyfriend:) and I can say i never been happier with anyone hehe. He just makes me feel so special and I really do like him alot. I cant say love yet but i like him sooo much! <33 :) he makes me happy.. !� I finally cleared out my feelings and I do wana be with him. I dont want anyone else, hes been there for me thru so much.. he just encourages me and i love him for that.. We have our fights, but we have been trying to fight less and we have.. But you know.. sometimes i have my doubts of being with him.. But im crazy.. Hes perfect what else can i ask for :)
It's winter break, today was the first day.. ohh and omg on saturday i went to some theater in glendale to go see the gay men choir <33 and oh my� they sing perfect ! i love how they sing and its cool how they raised money just for our school to go watch them perform!! I feel loved hehe.. I took a pic with some kute gay guy hehe and it was a great day hehe.
But yeah ima go eat my typical mexican breakfast lol. beans hahaha..
ttyl <33
Feelings fade over time don't they. Hmm. Well if I'm in a relationship and still thinking about my ex what does that mean.. Idk? I guess I'm still hoping that my ex has some kind of feelings for me, I'm hoping that our feelings for each other would come back again. But i really dont know whats going on in my head right now. When I talk to my bf its perfect. I forget about everyone and just think about me and him. But when I'm just thinking about anything out of the blue, my ex comes to mind. Honestly, Im emotionally attracted to my current bf, and I'm physically & emotionally attracted to my ex. But I mean he's moved on and I can't like him. Agh? I'm confused. See even right now why am i not thinking about my bf. Maybe its because I want my ex back.�
Well Have i told you that my bf now is my ex's friend. Slutish huh! Ugh. I think thats why i keep our relationship kind of a secret. I'm honestly scared that if he finds out hes gona be hurt. I mean if i was in his shoes and he would began dating a friend of mine i would be like wtf!! Aghh i would be pissed and not be able to talk to them ever again!
"Just Move On" i tell myself. "Don't worry about other peoples happiness but your own" I repeat to myself. but I can't. I dont know if My bf is the right person I should be with. I need my bf, but i want my ex...
♥Happy thanksgiving..� I miss you mommy.. take care <333
-Karyna<3
It's been a while hasn't it.. hmm.. but during theses last few weeks.. I've experienced the worst thing in my whole life. My mom passed away.. and I can't tell you how bad that hurts.. you see it all started one day before halloween on the 30th. Everything was perfect, a normal day with my mom until the night. I couldn't hear her crying.. because when I go to sleep i sleep like a baby. So as soon as my dad came he took her to the hospital because she kept throwing up.. and her stomach hurted.. I couldn't believe it when my aunt called early in the morning telling me if i know how my mom was.. I was like umm idk they weren't home when i woke up so im not sure.. and she told me that my mom went to the doctor because she was really sick.. and i couldnt go back to sleep.. i waited for an hour in the living room just waiting for my mom to get back.. and nothing.. people kept calling and calling which was making me even more nervous.. i called my dad and he said she was ok? but i heard something in his voice which i knew he was lying.. An hour later my mom called me.. She sounded so sick.. i never heard her sound like this.. She told me to call veri and i did and as soon as i told veri she came from worj and we headed to the hospital.. we went and i saw her and she looked really sick.. The doctor came in to tell us she had diabetes and her blood sugar was extremly high.. when he was telling us what was wrong with her..
i remember thinking to myself.. "we are going to have to make extreme changes in our life.. I dont want her to get even sicker".. I stayed all day with her.. didn't leave the hospital at all.. they had to transfer her to another hospital and she asked me to go with her and of course i wanted to go with her.. we went to san francis and I was with her.. she kept throwing up.. and I hated seeing like that.. Stupid nurses never came to help her once.. i called and no response.. the nurse before said i couldnt stay because i was underage.. i wanted to stay so bad i didnt want to leave her... i didnt want to go when i knew she was like that.. i feel guilty.. as if i could have done something to help her..... :( the next morning.. the doctor came in and said she was worst that it seemed.. they automatically took her into intensive care.. when i saw her.. she had so many machines on her... it hurt so bad.. who knew that , that was the last time i would ever talk to her again.. she begged me and screamed at me to take the machines off... she called me over and held my hand tight and told me "no llores ok"� and when she said that tears begain to roll down my cheek.. and i softly nodded.. " okay" i said sobbing..� that was the last conversation i had with her...
things started to get worse.. before we knew it she was in a comma.. n then a day later.. she was declared brain dead.. when i found out was when i was in the car.. i saw jose crying.. and� i asked what happened and he told me she was brain dead... that teared my heart.. i began to cry and cry.. and so did my dad.. i remember my dads words.. he told me " ya sabes el valor que es una madre.." that brought me into more tears..
Im sorry mommy... im sorry for being such a horrible daughter never helping out.. always fighting with you.. never appreciating the person you were.. im sorry ... im sorry im sorry... i never got to tell you how much i love you!! you mean more to me than anyone in this whole universe!! I never thought youd go away like this i hate it.. i need you... i want you.. i cant live without you.... i still feel this is a dream... i feel like its a horrible nightmare that i cant wake up from.. i want to wake up... but i cant.. its a never ending nightmare...�
those words left unspoken to you... those times i got you mad... those times i behaved bad... im sorry.. im sorry.. im sorry.... i cnt tell you how much im sorry.. im lonely.. you were the only person who honestly was always there for me.. i know i complained at times but you were the perfect mother... i will remmeber you everyday of forever.. n i promise you mommy ima make you proud.. i want to soo bad.. i wish you were here with me though.. and its gonna be harder on me since im the youngest of your 3 kids... i need you more than they do..
Im motherless now.. she will be in my heart forever but i want her physically with me.. but this is no dream... it reality..
and reality is cruel........
Agh..! this feeling.. i cnt explain.. so i was looking and browsing around u know.. and i go to rickys comments and i see this pix of him that i was like :0 .. and it was just like a while ago i saw this.. and idk.. ahh honestly i miss him dearly.. well not really.. idk what is it about myspace that makes me become so down.. like maybe its cus i see his statuses and see that he moved on already.. theres still a part of me that would love to go back to him.. then theres a part of me thats like u deserve better.. so now its like half and half.. but u swear ima get back with him.. ehh.. but u know idk why but i wuld love to be friends with him.. idk why� but i get flashbacks often.. i remember all the words he told me.. which were obiously now lies.. gosh like seriously how was i so stupid.. all the words he told me were a bunch of lies..!! lies lies lies.. "I'm nothing without you" "if i would ever loose you I'd cry." "You mean the world to me" "I'll love you even though we aren't together" "I love you so fucken much"
Ugh.. i hate him so much.. i hate how he just tore me up so easily and now he moved on like nothing ever happened.. why does he choose to torture me.. i hate him so much.. like i wish he could suffer..! i wish he would suffer the pain that i suffer for his dumbass .. why cant he just leave me alone.. take ur dumb memories. take ur dumb words back...� Fuck what i said.! it doesnt mean shit now!! Fuck you! ugh.. i hate him.........
Sammy.. sammy.. sammy.. ahh.. i dnt wanna hurt you.. i honestly dont.. he tells me he loves me so fucken mmuch.. and :/ idk.. i dnt believe what people tell me anymore.. im scared to� believe people.. im scared of loving.. x(
like i want to stop talking to him.. i want him to find someone perfect.. to find someone who lives near him.. and makes him happy.. i honestly want the best for him and i feel the best for him is not me.. its not me at all.. i have to stop txting him.. try to avoid all his txt and try to avoid all his calls and msgs..� i have to.. i cant confront him againn about how i cnt be with him.. cus i promised him i wouldnt.. but i have to,.. & i will just not now.. :/
this feelings im feeling.. x( make me become so depressed.. I just need a clean slate from everything.. from everyone.. forget all memories.. i feel so lonley and i hate that feeling.. i need someone.. not sammy because i dnt wanna hurt him.. i just need someoe who actually means what they say to me, someone who wont hurt me someone who shows me what love is.. i need someone.. i feel so unloved.. so undesired.. so idk?? confused??
god help me.. I hate being like this.. i just wanna be happy.. but its hard being happy.. :/ i just wnna break down and cry.. but icnt.. ughh life... its so hard :(
-ttyl</3
Ah. >.< I cnt do this twice.. like seriously why does he make me so happy. No I cnt like him i seriously cant. I mean he's my ex's friend and its slutish of me to go around making his friends fall in love with� me.. ahh i wish he wuld just stop telling me he loves me but then idnt want him to stop. He makes me so happy & I need someone to make me feel loved & special.. I just feel so lonley and i need someone to love me.. and i think thats why i keep talking to sam.. Hes such an amazing guy & like ahh i just dnt know.. last time we tlked on the phone for like 4 or 5 hours. N theres just something about him.. <3 but waiit noo..! I'm not gonna like him..! I promise i wont..?? Ok?�
but theres a part of me that wants to give him a chance n then another part thats like whata hell..! u cnt date ur ex's friend.. its wrong..!! but ehh.. im not gonna fall for someone like my ex again.. :/ its just too much pain.. ughh.. why cant i just find someone who is serious about a relationship and actually means promises and actually cares and loves me� and doesnt hurt me and ugh..
But besides all this guy things everythings never been better.. Im So happy and i love it :] ahh i g2g.. ttyl<3
Hey. Its been a while hasnt it.. well soo many new things to tell you about and ill just tell you what i can remember lol.. So high school started.. and Its awsome! i love it hehe :) Im having a blast i love all my classes and everyone is cool :). I have drama and i love it hehe. Ima be dancing thriller and this is halloween which im excited about! Well theres cute guys but ehh not really interested.. oh and yes i broke up with Ricky.. :0 its been a while though.. and ehh hes such a bitch.. gosh!�i hate him.. :/ all he said was Alrite. wen i broke up with him.. that was all he fricken said! like he didnt even try to fight for me at all.. shows how much he cared :/ but fuck it.. I can do better than him! Gosh!!�xP and im talking to his friend.. and he already told me that he liked me so its like whata hell..? i shouldnt be tlking to him if he likes me.. but no i continue to talk to him.. hes a kool guy.. and yesterday hes like ay did you tell ricky and i was like no why and hes like cus he just txted me saying ay are you trying to get at my ex? and hes like nah we are just friends.. and do you know what fucken ricky said! hes Liike "well you can get with her.. i dont care.." Ohhh and that seriously.. ughh i cnt tell u how much i fucken hate him now.. hes such an ughh idk gosh! like i cnt tell you how much i do! But then i still kinda like him in some sort of way.. so its like love overcomes hate but i dont love him anymore..� i dont think i ever did! and u know sometimes i think all he fucken wants is SEX! like he was just a horney bastard wanting to get everyone laid!!! Ughh.. wait.. this is too mean.. :/ gosh idk i just really dont know anything.. im over all this ricky things i moved on already!!! And im happy.. :] i gotta find myself a high school hubby lol.. :]
Ah.. this monday was horrible.. :( Miguel has cancer.. :( ughh why hiim god! why him!! what did he do wrong! huh... hes just a little kid.. a little baby! why does it have to be him! why do u cause him pain :( ahh i culdnt help but cry.. wen i found out.. its not fair! its not fricken fair to him! hes so small ! with a bright future! and why does he have to have cancer at the age of 6! All people say is have faith in god.. but what if having faith in god isnt enough! i need a miracle to happen!!
So I dont know what Im doing.. I mean Ricky is just too good to be true.. I dont deserve someone like him. I know ima be the heartbreaker in the end. I know he will hate me and never talk to me again even though he said he'll love me forever. But thats what all guys say cus they think thats what girls want to hear.. and we do.. But we wanna hear it from someone we love. He says he loves me more than anything.. that im the love of his life... and it makes me happy that i am .. But honestly Id be lying to myself if i said He was the love of my life. The commitments he wants from me are too big.. I dont think i can keep every single promise i made him.. I dont wanna hurt him.. & sometimes i just think to myself why am i saying all this to this guy if i dont mean it.. I love him hes an amazing guy.. He really is but like i said before Im not�IN Love with him.. Hes everything I need but everything I dont think i want.. Should i tell him now..? Cuz im honestly so lost.. Im starting high school next month and I think that things are going to change between us.. he wants to meet up with me but i dont think i can. I dont want him to fall deeper in love with me than he already is.. Hes gonna be the one whose gonna be hurt and i'll be hurt but not as much as hes gonna be.. I feel as if this relationship went a bit too fast.. I want a healthy relationship.. One where i can see him everyday and be comfortable around him & be happy. I dont wanna break up with him.. I really dont.. But if i keep it going Ima end up hurting him soo much and i dont want that.. I dont want him to hate me for not loving him.. I wanna be his best friend. and i think that was what i should have kept it.. not a boyfriend.. I love you so much But i dont think it'd be as much as you love me..
So Mitchel invited me to his ex girlfriends bday party on the 29th.. I like really want to go .. But isnt it weird? Going to a party you werent even invited.. and especially his ex girlfriends..!! I really would love to meet him but then i would love to meet him somewhere thats not his ex gfs party.. like a simple dinner :D Hehe thatd be awsome.. N hes like 5'11 ahh tall men are like awsome ..!! Well yeahh idk if i should go or not..!�! >.<
But Yeah Thats all i wanted to write.. nothing much to write about.. besides today Joes bday :D hehe 23rd i think?? or 22nd? idk lol but yeah happy bday..! :) lets see what we do!!
Its funny to read an entry from so long ago and how much i've changed. I haven't wroten on this thing in such a long time and just reading what i wrote last year has� brought many memories back. My life's somewhat diffrent now. Im not the same person I was a year ago. So much has been going on in my life sometimes its hard to keep up. My lifes like a rollercoaster at times, i have my ups and downs and theres moments when things go by so fast i cant even react to it. I was reading about two or three entries bellow and it made me smile. having my first boyfriend and seeing how i reacted to it was so childish of me lol. I was still small and I am still but my minds maturing. I feel like im growing up day by day. Its a scary thing actually. I just graduated from middle school on the 17th and sitting in the middle of a whole of student graduats made me realize so much. Im going to miss middle school and all the drama. The drama not actually but its sad saying goodbye to something. Its one of the hardest things to do. Like my friend tiffany said, "Theres a line in front of me and I know when I pass it i wont be able to walk back. It's like people are pressuring me to step in front of the line they are pushing me." Ive met so many new people and in some ways every person changes my life. I'm learning from my mistakes day by day and I'm becoming a strong and independent woman. And years from now I will read this entry and say what i think at that time. My mind is developing diffrent thoughts and the way i think is changing. Im changing and i know i will be a diffrent person years from now. I cant wait to see what life has for me next and im actually scared but then excited. Im happy with the person I am now and I wouldn't want to be any one else and i cant be because i was given one life and Im goin to make something out of it. Just gotta keep living my life with my head held up high and Im going to follow my dreams and become great. Thats A Promise.
I�Know i posted an entry already but Im bored and i just need to write down all my feelings. Ok so today is some dude i met through myspace's graduation. I dont wanna say his name so lets call him M. Ok so he invited me but i couldnt go which sucks :P. And honestly idk theres just something about him that drives me crazy. Like i havent met him and i feel like im falling for a complete stranger. Hes Just the type of person i would love to hang out with or even better have as a boyfriend. Ive been single for such a long time it sucks not to have any body.!! You know i talk to alot of guys in my life and i text alot of guys but nothing compares to that one text from M. Just one little text messege from him makes my whole day.! Call me crazy but i really like this guy alot. Hes not the best looking but dude im falling for the person he is! Hes just perfect. Hes The type of guy i see myself dating and gosh.! he drives me crazy..! idk if he has a girlfriend but i honestly want him to myself! mine mine mine! I love those late phone calls and those text messeges that he says the sweetest things.! I just love the I.M's we used to have and i miss it all. I wish everything could honestly go back to the way it used to be with hhim. You know before that little fight we had.... Ughhh.... Boys......
Well besides boys my life's pretty good right now. Im entering high school in about 3 months. currently in summer vacation and Im pretty nervous. They say high school are the hardest years.! And I wonder if im going to change at all?? Today i went out with Reyna. We went to chinese food and then icecream n then we went to the park. We had those eternal girly conversations. You know we talked about boys and our life.! I love having a friend who i can relate to so much.!
Ok so theres this friend i have. Ive known her since the longest. Childhood friend like since babies. so many memories with her and seriously sooo many memories. And well yeah is she really being a friend when shes just using me when her other best friend isnt hanging out with her? Like she calls me to go out when she isnt hanging out with her other best friend. I hate it so much cuz she doesnt even pay attention to me when she hangs out with her. Like seriously! i hate it when she does that! Like if you want to hang out with me hang out with me.! Not just cuz ur other friend isnt here! And Idk I just feel like we are slowly growing apart! When we do hang out she acts like nothing and idk im just tired of it.! idk..??
I was reading other peoples public entries and Now i know im not the only one going through alot! Everyone is always going through tough times and so much drama! like Theres always those days when your like my life is so perfect!! Then theres those days when you dont even know why you exsist and you just wanna go hide under a rock!
Hey Patrick from spongebob needs a roomate right.! And i guess life is all about that. having ur ups and downs u know! Its all really hard.!!! Sometimes too much to bare!!
My mind is filled with so many emotions at times! And it irritates me! I just want to be happy and not worry about anything! Sometimes i think im shy because im afraid of what people are going to think of the real me. Im afraid to open up to others cuz at one point they might leave! ive lost so many people in my life they all end up walking away!! Im just scared of rejection..
And yeah.. Well I heard this saying, "If you want to be happy, Be" And I want to be happy. Who doesnt want to be happy right.!?? I love this site because i can express everything i feel! I keep a diary but i get really lazy to write everything i feel and i find typing easier. So I have to go now Cuz Idk lol..! I feel like im done here. I'll write on it tomorrow! i wont abandon you anymore.! Well hopefully lol.
I just need some excitment in my life for once.!
-Yours Karyna.
Add comment
