I got alot that I need to express, hopefully this is the beginning.� Sometimes when I bottle up innocent emotions they eventually turn into rage.� If not rage then stress, I feel the stress right now and its becoming over-whelming.� I think back to when I was 18, that was the most stress free time of my life.� I try to attribute what made my life so stress free at that time.� Cetainly it wasnt because of lack of problems, was it because I could release my stress out by smoking pot? �� Maybe, cuz now Im not "allowed" to smoke pot, if I do then the wife will leave me.� I have secretly gotten high, a few times, and I get so paranoid about getting caught by her that I dont enjoy it.� So, I just avoid it altogether.� I cant believe I gave that up for her.
Ive given alot up for her.� I have sacrificed friends, money, time...lots and lots of time.� Then she cheats on me.� I only found out in January, I still think about it everyday and wonder if I made the right decision to stay with her.� I think she guilted me into it.� I was never unfaithful, but she said that I was miserable to be around because I hated my job so much, she siad it made me a person she didnt want to be around so she started looking for that spark in other men.� the funny thing is, she doesnt admit to sleeping with the one guy that I found out about.� She claims that she only talked to him and that she cheated on me before we were married due to having cold feet.� But the guy i found out about, I actually called him.� He says that they slept together after we were married.� I asked why he would say such a thing, what motive would he have to lie to me, what would he gain out of it?� I cant think of anything, maybe if he werent married then I could see him lying to me so that the two of them could be together but thats not the case.� When I confronted her about it, she was gonna leave me.� I had to beg her to stay... go figutre that one out.� She cheats, then I beg her to stay.� Im basically giving her a license to kill.
Why did I stay with her?� Love, I guess.� i felt that i somehow was the cause of this.� that it was my fault she cheated, I still fell like Im the one to blame.� I know Im afraid to be alone.� I cant imagine dating again, especially now that im balding, over-weight, going grey, lost some of my teeth... at least when I was a teenager I was just over-weight.� At the time that was difficult enough, but looking back on it now, it doesnt seem so bad.� Im 27 years old and I look and feel like Im 70.� I fucking hope I live a very short life cuz I am not happy with it, and Im too chicken shit to kill myself.
What do I hope to achieve from this journal?� Some stress relief, get some things off my chest, that might help me to cope with day to day life.� I have alot of baggage, I have done some really shitty things and I have had alot fo shitty things happen to me.� they have been bottled up inside forever and they are eating me up inside, so I guess its time for a release, otherwise I know I will self-destruct.� For now though, the thing that haunts me daily is my marriage, until i can get past that i wont be able to explore the past.� Hopefully this helped me a bit.� Maybeone day i will get fed up and finally do something that makes ME happy for a change, rather than putting everyone ahead of myself.
You would think everyday of someones life has some kind of order. Some kind of organization, and usually mine does. But lately I have realized that living a life of routines and constant organization isnt always good. I need to break free and leave the old me behind. Im tired of being compared to as perfect girl who doesn't do anything adventureous and who is just so predictable and ordinary. Ordinary is not the word I want to be labeled as. So many things in my life have come to me by suprise and I see others that carry randomness and uniqueness within them. But now its time for me to go at the world in a whole new perspective, its my turn to suprise others and myself. Show that I can be more than what i portray. Sooner or later, I will be noticed and seen as that girl that everyone wants to know how she got where she is now. I want to be, I can be, and I will be unique(:
I am very grateful for a sound mind and the ability to discern harmful people and situations.
Quote of the day "The mother of excess is not joy but joylessness." - Friedrich Nietzsche Universe entry of the day The funny thing, Ed, is that in spite of the euphoria one feels upon entering paradise, cloaked in miracles, surrounded by angels, love, and unimaginable beauty, it gradually becomes all they know, commonplace, ordinary, and then, shockingly... invisible. Yep, I'm talking about life on earth. Yippee Kai-Ye, -The Universe- Journal entry of the day Love, love, love, da-da-da, love, love, love, etc., etc. Famous and great song. The longer I ponder it the more I relize and believe that the root of God and all things good is love. God is love is a Christian concept and the only religion on the planet to make this proclamation. Dr. Wayne Dyer quoted someone who said, "The only difference between good and God is "o" or nothing. There is no difference. We are all capable of God like qualities if we share love.
yeah. Sorry im tried I will write 2morrow. bye
Ugh! I am madly in love with a boy who has a girlfriend. He is soooooo cute! I think he knows I like him. Anyway I am on summer vacation! WAHOO! I an totally out of the USA! I really want to make good friends on here so I accept all friend requests!
LOL and madly in love
ALeks 4eva
So, I have been up all night.� Again.� I really should be going to bed more.� I live with the most wonderful man, that I love more than I know how to say.� Yet, most nights he goes to bed alone, and I stay up.
I could go to bed now, but I know I'll just disturb his sleep.� So I postpone. I'll wait until it's nearly time for his alarm, then I'll go and cuddle him - and then I'll finally fall asleep.
In a way, it's better this way.� I know he sleeps better when I'm not tossing and turning and fidgeting next to him.� And I sleep when I would otherwise be on my own here.� And then we get the evening together.� So, it's not all bad.� It's probably for the best.
Except, that isn't the reason I don't go to bed with him.� I stay up because I'm terrified of going to bed, and trying to sleep in the dark, and having nightmare after nightmare, and lying awake in the dark full of anxiety I can't dispell.
So tired.� So very damn tired.
If only being tired was enough to enable me to sleep.
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XxveryhappymaggotxX 32, Female, Louisiana, USA - First entry!
