In 2002 something really horrible happened to me. It was a living, breathing nightmare. It lasted for two years. I lived with a man who beat me constantly. He'd even come home from work miles away from home to do it.
Sometimes I wish the people in my life could understand what it feels like to be me sometimes but they can't. No one can. Yes, I get therapy. I take medications. These things help some.
I never realized that physical and sexual abuse would follow me in my mind for years like this. It's a never-ending nightmare. Then, just when I'm feeling semi-normal someone came into my friends home and attempted to rape me while my three-year daughter slept next to me. Fortunately, I had a weapon beside me which I guess he didn't see because I knocked the shit out of him. I still don't know who he was but I would have recognized him if he'd came back in the next few days because I hit him with that ball bat on the side of his head hard.
I'm having serious problems with sex in my relationship. I don't want it to be this way. I'm 44, this shouldn't be happening to me. This shouldn't be happening to ANY woman but here it is happening to me. I'm trying to recover; seeming to take forever. I keep wondering how long he's gonna hang in there. It's difficult to be kicked when you're already down.
I try so hard to have a positive attitude. I try that by reading books and re-programming my subconscious. I'm sick of mind replaying the shit over and over inside my head. I hate this happened but happen it did. I haven't written but a bare minimum. I'm not looking for any sympathy, how can anyone say anything to make me feel "better"?
I just wish I could erase that part of my life and be "normal" inside of all messed up inside my own mind. I wonder if I'll ever make it back. I don't dwell on it unless intimacy is involved. I get ....I can't describe it. I want to show my feelings but there is so much internal fear that love will turn against me into a violent hate and I KNOW he's not like that but the fear is still there. Sighhhh.
Dear journal:In the morning i went to school.When i got their I sat down with my friends Yasmin,Alex,Tilly& Sofie.They were playing sit down handball so I put my bag down and sat down but Tilly the little snorty,bitch.retarted punie girl just shoved her bag over 2 the left and smiled at meThen my other friend came her name was Erin she and another girl found an injured bird on the way to school.So she told Mrs Graham our pricipal and she went to the office and got a little box 4 Erin 2 put the baby bird in.Then the bell rang and we went 2 class.I sat in my chair then our teacher was talking onand on and on so i just sat their in my seat. Then after she finished talking she gave us a spelling sheet we had to do.Then half way through Mrs proudfoot said that there was a christmas concert on in the hall that we had to go to.After that it was recess then we went into the classroom done the rest of our work then it was lunch after that we went home.
arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrg?!?!
No more money. need more money!!!!!
Dear TREVER
when are you gong to be back? i miss you soooo much and i am sick of sitting in this tiny little house all day long. if it is OK with you i would like to get a few more windows because one window is not enough i need at least one more but two would be nice!since you wont be back for some time yet maybe i could ask mr. walling ford if he can do it for me. the midwife cametoday you know the one that the doctor was going to send. she is madame la vallee! i did not know that she was a midwife, did you? well anyway she said that the baby might decide to come any day now so she is staying with me for awhile... love and hugs write back -LISA
LISA SAT ALONE ON THE DAYBED ANDPUT DOWN HER PENCIL. SHE THOUGHT TO HERSELF I WONDER....... WILL THIS BABY BE A GIRL OR A BOY, AND TREVOR GAVE ME PERMISSION TO NAME THE CHILD MYSELF. I AM NOT SURE WHAT TO NAME IT WELL I SHALL ASK ALIA LA VALLEE IF I CAN USE HER LITTLE BOOK OF NAMES AND I WILL CHOOSE A NAME FOR A GIRL AND A BOY. ALL OF A SUDEN SHE FELT A TERRIBLE PAIN, IS THIS IT? SHE ASKED HERSELF, YES THIS IS THE PAIN THAT ALIA TOLD ME TO WAIT FOR. AS F ON CUE THE MIDWIFE BURST IN THE LITTLE DOOR WITH TWO FULL BAGS OF GROCERIES FROM THE GENERAL STORE TWO MILES AWAY. OH NO SHE GASPED IS THIS THE PAINS I TOLD YOU ABOUT? Y......ES GASPED LISA. ALIA RAN AND GOT THE TOWELS.
4 HOURS LATER:
soccer
Add comment