So, I have been up all night.� Again.� I really should be going to bed more.� I live with the most wonderful man, that I love more than I know how to say.� Yet, most nights he goes to bed alone, and I stay up.
I could go to bed now, but I know I'll just disturb his sleep.� So I postpone. I'll wait until it's nearly time for his alarm, then I'll go and cuddle him - and then I'll finally fall asleep.
In a way, it's better this way.� I know he sleeps better when I'm not tossing and turning and fidgeting next to him.� And I sleep when I would otherwise be on my own here.� And then we get the evening together.� So, it's not all bad.� It's probably for the best.
Except, that isn't the reason I don't go to bed with him.� I stay up because I'm terrified of going to bed, and trying to sleep in the dark, and having nightmare after nightmare, and lying awake in the dark full of anxiety I can't dispell.
So tired.� So very damn tired.
If only being tired was enough to enable me to sleep.
Feeling it build right now.
No reason.
Just fear.� And anxiety.� And a sickness in my stomach.� And omg flight response is kicking in big time.
fuck fuck fuck
i don't even know what i need to run from
fuck
Everything seems like illusion.
Fiction holds more reality for me than life.� Television shows and fims engage me and feel real - I can respond to them; they make me laugh and cry, they enable me to feel.� Even playing a computer game holds more connection and reality for me than life.
The time I get to spend with G is too fleeting.� The rest of the time it's like I don't exist.�
Being on my own so much really isn't good for me.
I still don't know how to express... well, anything really.
I wish I knew how people do that - how they open up about things.
I have to start letting some of this stuff out of my head.� I have to find a way to connect to the people I love so they aren't strangers anymore.
I hate being so alone.� I mean, yes, I have G - and my relationship with him is wonderful.. but he's at work so much of the time; I'm on my own almost constantly - and I don't cope.� I'm not coping.� Not even slightly.� I am so sodding lonely.� And yet I compound it by isolating myself further, because it's all I know how to do.� I don't know how to reach out to pepole.� Maybe I should know, but I don't.� I can't cope with the simplest levels of communication.� I do what I can, but it's really not enough by any stretch.
And I'm so tired of it.� So damn very tired.
I wish I had someone to tell this stuff to.
�But you can't say these you things. not out loud.. not to people who love you.� They will just be hurt, so you say nothing.
�But how I am meant to resolve it if I don't ever talk about it, or admit it?
�My inability to go out, to use the phone, to rarely be able to communicate more than a sentance online.. these things are real.� They are limiting.� They are things that much as I am striving to change, are something I can not ignore.� Plus, as bad as these things are to live with, they come with an associated cost that just makes it even worse.
�It costs me the people I love.� Because they don't understand.� They think I don't bother. That I haven't bothered.� The fact that I have pushed beyond my limits to make as much contact as I have is meaningless. Because it's not enough.� It never will be enough.
�And I am irrelevent.
I still have not emotionally processed what has happened recently.�
I don't know how I feel about the funeral yesterday, much less anything else.
I do know that when I got in the car to leave H's this morning I broke down in tears.� It was a good 10 mins before I could regain enough self control to be able to drive.� And on the way back to my folks house, the tears didn't stop.
I don't really know or understand why I was crying - I just needed to cry.� It seems my emotions are behaving healthily on some level, even if my brain is able to process nothing.
Pain.
Pain is the real story.
It's what lies behind everything.
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