So, I have been up all night.� Again.� I really should be going to bed more.� I live with the most wonderful man, that I love more than I know how to say.� Yet, most nights he goes to bed alone, and I stay up.
I could go to bed now, but I know I'll just disturb his sleep.� So I postpone. I'll wait until it's nearly time for his alarm, then I'll go and cuddle him - and then I'll finally fall asleep.
In a way, it's better this way.� I know he sleeps better when I'm not tossing and turning and fidgeting next to him.� And I sleep when I would otherwise be on my own here.� And then we get the evening together.� So, it's not all bad.� It's probably for the best.
Except, that isn't the reason I don't go to bed with him.� I stay up because I'm terrified of going to bed, and trying to sleep in the dark, and having nightmare after nightmare, and lying awake in the dark full of anxiety I can't dispell.
So tired.� So very damn tired.
If only being tired was enough to enable me to sleep.
I still have not emotionally processed what has happened recently.�
I don't know how I feel about the funeral yesterday, much less anything else.
I do know that when I got in the car to leave H's this morning I broke down in tears.� It was a good 10 mins before I could regain enough self control to be able to drive.� And on the way back to my folks house, the tears didn't stop.
I don't really know or understand why I was crying - I just needed to cry.� It seems my emotions are behaving healthily on some level, even if my brain is able to process nothing.
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