I hadf my first nite out last nite in a long time. since iv had kids anyway. 3 years.
but last nite dick bf actually let me go out to the cinema with my best friend. obviously he didnt like it, but he's not a dick in public so he cudnt really say no. although i still had to put the kids to bed, sort out his food and make sure� he had weed before i left the house. god i had an amazing night. getting a few admiring glances from blokes....id forgotten what attention from the opposite sex felt like. luke doesn't count, he's cyber. i expected him to be in a stinking mood when i got in but he was suprisingly ok. great!!! i think he's beginning to realise� im changing. im starting to think about me again. and about bloody time too!!!
so iv got this boyfriend, james. god he's a dick. it was my birthday last week and he didnt get me nuthin. id struggled on my benefit money last month to get his present. and its so not a case of give-to-recieve he's my boyfriend for fucksakes! nothing not evena card. i'm skint he says. he's on double what i earn a week. fuck all. but somehow he has �200quid 2 spend on shagged nitro cars, and now he's managed to find �300 to buy a shagged Nova. funny that. he was skint 6 days ago on my bday, but he's�spent�500 frikkin quid since then. is�this just me bein pathetic? god he's a fucker. fuck him anyway..
iv got these friends...thats so not the right�word for them. there's these guys. (well 4, but the�4th doesn't count-i'll tell all at a later date) Ed, Luke and Andrew.�
Ed is my weed dealer. yes i smoke weed, so frikkin what? its fucking amazing. anyway.... i think im reading way too much into the ed thing. he does this eye contacty thing that makes me go....hhhhhhhmmmmmmm. he's gorgeous. nothing wud ver come of it. he's just nice to look at. ans sometimes he makes me think that i do his head in. i do that sometimes....annoy the ppl i like. i tend to blabber shite and not make sense.
Andrew. hhhhmmm. he's a tricky one to 'get'. he's from cyprus n he's a bloody charmer. twice he's made me fall for him. intentionally? idont know. he's so nice and i find it har to believe he'd lead me on on purpose. he knows i like him, he just kinda chooses to ignore that. i mean, he'll flirt n charm n be sweet but as soon as i'm like 'aaaawwwwwwwwww ur so sweet, can i keep you?' he's like 'arrrrggh'; and runs a mile. no ctually, its not like that at all. i think we both really like eachother, but we both kno itd never work. im a single mum of 2 with no cash no job, livin in wales�and an actual shit for a boyfriend. Andrew lives in london and has just passed his teaching course. a match made in heaven....? i think not. still, a girl can dream.
and Luke. Luke is the best friend of the guy number 4 i mentioned earlier. He's sweet. he's hot. he's horny. he's a rockstar. u kno wot actually...he's my perfect guy, and if he was single, and i was single we'd be sorted. if he wasn't best mates with guy number 4. and that is a big problem. god i wish luke was single. it'd all� be so simple.
but im not a cheat. i'll flirt all i want. but i wont cheat. not even with luke. fuck he's hot.
i want a birthday present
So, my first day. please be nice.. i just need somewhere to rest my head. so much confusion and no voice to speak. no ears to hear. dont get me wrong, im not a deaf mute with no friends. quite the opposite. im blessed with a partner, friends and 2 beautiful children. just sometimes, in a sea of faces, of eyes and ears, i feel so alone. im surrounded by people. sometimes i die for a minutes peace. but im alone.
i cant speak of these things because of the hurt il cause. although i doubt i can hurt anyone else more than iv hurt myself. god i ache. so much sometimes that i swear it'll kill me. but thank god i have an amazing sense of humour. and even on the days where im bawling my eyes out coz im hurting so bad, mostly i can laugh my way out. so i want to bring you all with me on this rollercoaster. im making a change. it'll be emotional, but im bloody funny. i want to show you all its not that bad. even if it feels like the end of the world right now. so join me over this period of time. ul laugh, ul cry, and mostly....
i dont want to do this on my own
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