I feel like a philosopher today. I'm always thinking about life, that is one thing about me that will always remain, but today life has pushed itself into my mind a bit further. I'm thinking about how lucky I am to be alive, and how glad I am to be around. It's a marvelous thing, life is. As human beings, we are placed face to face with death everyday, but we somehow manage to get by, and on that day that we falter at the face of death, we will finally be free from all of this monotonous struggle. We will be free of having to feel the pain of love, death, and emotion. We will be free from our hardship. � Some people try to make this day come too quickly. Suicide engulfs the thought process of innocent human beings until they can't take the thoughts anymore and finally hurt themselves or even kill themselves to put the thoughts at bay. My mother is one of these people. She is still alive and hopefully well, but she has tried to commit suicide... Numerous times. But she is getting help. She will get better. I have high hopes. �My mother is not the only one, though. My stepfather, my sister, my uncle, all of these people I love and care about so much, have hurt themselves purposely. I live in a house full of negativity, and yet I am above it all. I will not let them get to me, instead, I will help them as much as I can, like I have been doing for the last 11 years. �I knew at a very young age that if I fell down, the whole family falls with me. Like dominos. So ever since I was around 3 years old, I took on the responsibility of keeping my family together, that is my purpose as of right now. Saving souls that have gotten lost along the way, while trying to keep myself in tact. �And still I am misunderstood. If everyone I knew read this, they would understand just at a minimum. They still wouldn't fully understand what I believe in and what I think about. Nobody will ever fully understand how certain I am of myself, yet how little I really know. They won't understand how strongly I feel that it is my obligation�to keep a positive and open mind, in order to keep my life from falling apart. Nobody will ever understand how much I know my family depends on me. �It pains me inside to say this, but all of which is true. No matter how great of a mind was placed upon my shoulders, I will always and forever be underestimated.
Im back to having nothing. Nothing that makes me happy, at least. Obviously im still alive, im breathing, i have the basics. But im missing things that i need. I cant say what exactly im missing because i dont even know. I just feel empty, segregated from everyone else. Everyone in�the world seems so diverse to me, but at the same time, so very monotonous. All anybody cares about is the image they're throwing to the world, trying to fit in as best as they can without even once considering�being real, being themselves. There is no more originality anymore (sometimes i wonder if there ever was to begin with) everyone is just borrowing the mind of the one next to them. No one can think for themself. A pepsi is still a fucking pepsi�even if it comes in a coke can. The only image i try portraying to the world is who�I am and what i stand for. I think i've don a good job so far at doing this, but some times i wonder if the world looks at me the same way i look at myself in the mirror, but i doubt it.�I dont know what to do, how to feel, or where to go from here. I believe in fate, i know i have no control over whats going to happen. If something was meant to happen then its going to happen one way or another. I feel like im waiting. Waiting for SOMEthing, but i dont know what. As much as i hate change, somethings have to change. That's just how things work. Fuck my life.
My life changes fast. I hate it, I hate change. It makes me look back�on how things used to be and makes me realize how much older im getting and how fast times are going by. Its a giant mystery as to what happens after its all over. Is there really a heaven and hell? Is there just nothing? Maybe my whole life just gets rewound like a movie and is constantly being replayed. Is it possible that i could be dying right now but at the same time be being born? I dont know what to believe. It just makes life harder and more confusing than it already is to begin with. My name is Steve, and I am an asshole. I don't like talking to people i don't know. People have always just come off as strange and/or stupid to me. I dont like thinking im above these people, or below them, but i hate to think of putting myself on the same level as everyone around me. Aside from my girlfriend, i seem to be the only one that's capable of taking a step back from everything once in a while and looking at how thigns really are. I dont like living in a fairy tale world. I am addicted to reality, so im sorry. Love is a feeling people seem to not know a lot about. Love is a�terrible and horriffic thing. Your whole world becomes a world that revolves around the one you love. Your life is filled with the obligation to care for this person and please them before you please yourself. Make them feel happy no matter what the cost. You do these things for this person not becasue you HAVE to do it, but becasue you WANT to. With love comes hardships. Fighting. Arguing. Paranoia. Get used to these things when you decide to love someone. (although to be fair, you can't "decide" to love someone, it just happens) Yes, with love you wil feel happiness beyond any boundaries you previously thought possible, but it's not always going to be strawberries and orgasms. With love comes a lot of bad feelings and a huge load on your mind. But its a feeling i wouldn't give up for the world. Nothing can ever beat the feeling of being loved/cared for by someone, or the feeling of loving/caring for someone yourself. This person that you love, he or she will become your world. Love is nothing short of obssession, this person will be on your mind 24 hours a day. Love is a terrible horrific thing, but when you put those two words together you get terriffic.... just sayin'. Love is, the best feeling you can possibly have. Only the luckiest people in the world will ever feel what true love is. And it is one damn hard thing to describe. Depression. It is NOT fun in the least bit. NOTHING is fun when you're depressed. Your life is your hell. Ending it would be nice, but then you'd just be another statistic. You'd be labeled as crazy. And if you fail at doing yourself in, then it just makes the rest of your life even harder. To be honest, ive never wanted to truly kill myself, ive always known that there's always someone out there who's got it harder than me, and ive always known that hard times come and go. Love can lead you to depression (it didnt for me, but it easily can happen) That's another reason why love sucks. If that special person were to walk out of your life and you still loved them, I'd imagine it's like a slingshot that shoots you ten times further into hell than you were to begin with. No point in trying to be happy, you'll just get shot down in the end anyway. Happiness is a pipe dream and dream don't come true. Nothing lasts forever, and nothing ever will. Life sucks, but somehow it still goes on..... (i've come close to losing my special lady so i've got a pretty good idea of how this feels and that's how my mind would think.) Life is a hard and confusing place.....
i'm just excited to have my hair cut tomorrow... i'm worried about certain people in my life now...but i still believe that they can get through it and come out as winner..:) everytime i write here... it feels like my reflection time...LOL anyways.... got to go read again... got an exam tomorrow at night..ish..hehehe life sure is complicated... but what can we do... we just have to deal with it and make it work/..... :)always! kiya
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MyNameIsSteve 31, Male, Illinois, USA - 6 entries
