Last Monday Mike text me & asked me if I was seeing anyone. I said no & he asked if I would like to do something. I said I would love to. He came over I made dinner, we played w/ Aleea, watched a movie, & we went to bed. We had sex 4 times that night & he seemed to search for me all night to hold me. He smiled & seemed so happy. I even asked before we did everything if we would be ok after & he said no. The next day we briefly texted each other by Thursday he said he didn't think we would work. I asked lets just date & take out time no preasure he said he didn't think it would work but also said he would think about it. Sunday I asked when I picked up AJ if he still felt the same. He said yes. After I got home I called him to talk & said I truelly believe we could make this work. He said he was more compatible w/ Mindy... The woman 3 days earlier he said was 1/2 the woman I am. Maybe I should move back to Rockford & smoke crack & then I will be more compatable. Our family is worth saving to me but not him. I dont know how to let go..,.. I do know I wont let him close to me again. I wont answer any text that remotely talks about us because it is nothing but a head game. I dont deserve that... I wish I had chosen a man that would put his family before anything to have children w/ He says we fought to much & doesn't thinnk it could have changed enough. Why not try? Better yet why the hell do I care. Why can't I move on &�find someone that loves me unconditionally. Does that only exist between parents &�children? Some much goes though my head. I cant sleep... I was finally getting better & told him I was happy. I guess he just couldn't let that be... I can't wait for the day that he comes back & I can look him in the face &�tell him no NEVER AGAIN!
Well Mike came cover Monday night he & Mindy had broken up &�he had no where to stay. He asked to stay w/ Aleea so I said yes. He was laying on the couch when I walked out & layed w/ him. Of course we ended up in the room &�well you can only guess from there. I had high expectations like a fool. Tonight Wed night he told me he had cheated on Mindy so they broke up &�that he was a mess &�he couldn't be w/ me. He says he loved me but can't be w/ me. I am hurt all over again! What was I thinking? Why was I so foolish? How do I keep letting him destoy me? Why the hell can't I just move on? it been over 7 mos. &�he is still where my heart is. Why wont God stop my pain? Every man I meet from Rich to Gorgeous tells me how perfect I am &� yet I run from everyone but him..... My heart is still Mike Boones....
I made it through another day.... It's amazes me people ask how you are not because they actually care but to make convo. Most dont even really listen. Half that do only because they are hoping you are worse of then them. Those that do only care because they care for you &�are secrety hoping you will hurry up &�get over this. I know no one wants to hear that I still love &�miss him but I do. I do every damn I miss him. I miss our family life, I miss our sex, I miss being loved, I miss kissing him by every morning &�Aleea doing also, I miss the way he knew what I like &�needed, I miss having someone to talk to. I miss so much! I miss having someone there not only someone but I miss him. Does he miss me? Does he still love me? Will I ever stop loving & needing him?
Its been a while & hell where do I begin. Mikes aunt Lori told me he let Mindy keep AJ but she couldn't handle her &�took her to Michelles. I confronted him on this & finally told him how I knew & he to this day is denying it. My trust is so broken in him. I never thought he would do this. He has no respect for me as her mother. At the same time I am still hurt & angry. How could he detroy everything for Mindy? He was suppose to take Aleea today but he won even answer my texts. He never called to tell her good night last night &�she cried to call him. She deserves better &�so do I. I am just waiting for that person I guess the man he used to be. Sometimes I regret leaving IL because I know we would still be together. AJ would have him every day not just part time when Mindy will allow him to see her. He even canceled last Firday noght on his weekend because he was sick but yet he goes to work the next day. I was so sick I & yet I kept her. Where the is a will there is a way! I guess nowits tiime to make my way through all of this & find HAPPINESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am sitting here w/ tears running down my face like so many nights over the past 5 mos. I called you to tell you about Aleea appt. to her specialist & you said you have to work. I talked to Aleea for a second. I tried to call at 7:30 to tell her goodnight &�you said you would call when you got in that she was a sleep I asked if she was w/ you &�you said yes. Its 9 & you didn't call. I feel like when you know how strong my love is you take advantage of my feelings. I know you have moved on &�it kills me to know. What do I do from here? I asked god to have you come home or take my feelings for you away! There still here &�you aren't. How is that fair??? I am so sorry I fucked up so much I just need one more chance to show you I can fix this &�make it ok! The sad part is I would even let him keep seeing her just to show him I can do this. I know if you would give me a chance he would want to come home to me &�Aleea. I don’t think I am going to get my chance &�how do I prepare for that?
Another day has come &�gone &�you have been on my mind all day! Everyone says I should just let you go but I cant seem to do that. I know in my heart you have moved one�&�may be happier w/o me I just wish I could say the same. If it's not meant to be why wont God take�this pain away. People say date to make you jealous but honestly I have no need or want too. Guys call &�I just push them away. I am still not ready! I love you Mike Boone w/ all my heart &�soul!!!! I am so sorry for all the pain i have caused you. I am so sorry I abadonded you when you needed me most. I only wish you could here these words &�know I mean them. I swear on everything I love I mean them!!!!
This week something dawned on me that I really hadn't put much thought into. For 3 1/2 years I had to sit back &�know Mike & Mindy where "friends" when my stomach said she had ill intent. When our break up first started he has asked me to remain his friend &�I took all his calls, texts, &�emails to help ease his pain. He is now telling me I am not his girlfriend &�I don’t have the right to just call &�chit chat that hurts me so much. He doesn't realize I made him my EVERYTHING. He wasn't just my b/f but my best friend. Someone I could always turn to &�count on. Now I am so hurt that I don’t even have that. Everyone says walk away &�he will come back but I really don’t see that happening. Will I ever be able to except that act that my family is forever destroyed. I will never have the chance to make this right again!
Today Erin &�I took the girls to the beach today &�as always I kept finding myself thinking of Mike. Aleea is doing so much lately some good &�some bad that I would just love to have him by my side for. She is now telling me I am a downer I am not real happy about that. I text him &�told him about her saying that &�boobies. He seemed ok but now he didn't even call her to tell her good night. I think I hurt when he does this more than she does. I love them both so much &�wish to God we could all just live together &�have a happy life. She was running through the house w/ a pink cowboy hat on saying yea haw it was so funny! I was at work last week reading our old emails &�up until May in which I think was about the same time he started really�seeing her he was playing a great role in our life’s. We had talked about taking her to the circus. We spent Easter together now she’s in the picture so I can’t be &�Aleea is going to get hurt. I don’t know who I hate more her, him, or myself! God I wish I could fix this mess! Will my heart ever feel better? Is his love gone forever? Would he love me if she was gone?
The single biggest time waste in my life is people who bring negativity to me. I have begun to weed them out. I am trying my best to surround myself w/ positive people that I can learn from &�be a positive influence. Not those add stress &�more unneeded heartache to my life. Some people like to cause drama &�can’t stand to see others happy. As much as I hate to say it most of those negative people Mike pointed out but I was too hard headed to listen. I had to learn on my own. Well as�I�told him I am taking this time to examine my life &�learn from my past mistakes. I need to do this in order to build a POSITIVE FUTURE!
Well I think I am going to use this to write things I want to say but shouldn't to Mike. Right now he is @ the Flea Market selling the things from our store in Il. We use to go to the Flea Market every weekend as our family things. I wonder as he is sitting there w/ her is he things about us? Does he even miss those times like I do? Maybe she is enough to keep his mind occupied. I should prob. be finding someone to do the same. i talk to guys but when it actually comes time to meet I seem to chicken out. I just dont really want anyone else but him right now. I just wish I wasn't so REPLACEABLE!!!!!!!!!!!
Well this is my first entry to my new journal. So much is going on in my life that I want to be able to look back &�possibly allow others to also one day &�see where my heart has been.
To start w/ we moved back to Florida in November mainly for me. This past March Mike &�I broke up. At the time I thought it was the best thing due to the fighting but now I find myself going crazy missing him. He has moved on w/ someone else & that a whole other entry in itself. I LOVE HIM w/ all my heart & want life to work for us, the family &�life we built, but above all because I truly to love him.
I regret more than anything the choices I have made & I know a lot of the fault falls on me. I won’t take total but I will take a HUGE part of it. The issues we had could have &�should have been worked through.
None of this matters now I have asked him back &�he said he wants to get his self together &�me get myself together but he can’t predict what the future will bring. In my heart I feel a huge part of his lack of interest in getting back together is due to her but I still can’t change that either.
What I can do is try to make the very best life I can for Aleea &�myself. Right now we are struggling &�I am so scared I won’t be able to take care of her. I know she deserves so much better than I can give her right now. One thing I do know is that she has 2 parents that love her more than life itself.
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