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im writting on another journal now...theres no more use of you....

I'll see you later

never writing on you again

Yesterday I went to Matt's grandma'a house. I got there about 3:15, which is pretty early for me. I got a ride form a woman named Nicole who asked me if I need a ride. She was very nice, I won't forget it.

When I got there, I let myself in (which, at first I hestiated because I wan't sure if it was right, but remembered Matt telling me not to worry.

When I walked in, I took off the sweater I was wearing and jacket and my walking pants. I wan't sure on what to do because I didn't know if Matt was slready naked and under the covers. I walked to his room and saw him on the bed (with clothes on) sleeping on the covers. The TV was on and I didn't really know how he could sleep with it on. I debated with myself if I should kiss him awake, crawl up by him, or just let him wake up on his own. I decied to let him wake up, so I sat on the floor and I noticed I could text him and see if he would wake up. I went back to the door where my coat was and got my phone. I texted him that I was here and watched him as his phone went off. He let our a moan and moved a little bit, but he fell right back to aleep.

Well, I lied down on the floor right next to the bed and watched Star Trek Voyager. It wasn't that bad. Then the house phone rang and I kind of jumped. I was hoping Matt would answer but he slept through it LOL. Right after the house phone, his cell phone rang and I felt the bed move as he answered it. Someone must have asked if I got there yet and he said no I didn't. I gently touched his leg from the floor and said I was here. He got a little surprised as he changed his answer.

Well, if you can decipher this message, you must leave a comment and tell me what the following says:

Snoitalutargnoc,uoy evah dekrow tuo tahw siht egassem snaem. Morf won no, uoy nac rehpiced tahw eht gniwollof segassem yas. Yeht lliw eb Ho-Ig-Uy kced stsil. Yats denut.

Eyb

I started classes at Ivy Tech in Kokomo this previous Monday. I think I'm going to do okay in the classes that I picked out. They're seem like they're pretty easy (for me at least). I have a few updates in my life this new year.

When I got up with my fiance Saturday morning at 4:30 to get him off to work and after he left I heard my mother talking in the bedroom with someone. About 20 minutes later she comes out to the living room and asks me what time I have to work today and I replied at 1:30 to 10. She told me that my brother would have to take me to work then because she has to go to the hospital. And I'm like What?! My grandfather had gotten up at 4 Saturday morning to go to the bathroom. He stood up out of bed and had a major headache, so he layed back down. Then, he poked my Grandma Louise in the side and asked her to go get him some Tylenol for his headache. She brought back Bayer Asprin instead. He then went to the bathroom with the aid of holding onto things on the way. He started coming back to the bedroom and he got halfway there and couldn't go any farther. So, he layed down on the couch in the living room. That's where he stayed until the Ambulance came. They took tests at Marion General Hospital, and it showed that he had a brain bleed. So, they lifelined him to Methodist Hospital (Clariton Health) in Indianapolis. I ended up calling off work and going to the hospital with my mom and the rest of my family. He is staying at the Critical Care Unit at Methodist Hospital until further notice. He is doing a lot better since his surgery at 2:00 yesterday afternoon. Hopefully he will be returning home here shortly.

Other news is...I am now engaged to a man (Zachary Scott Ollis) that I love, so desperately and can't wait to spend the rest of my life with. He is so great to me. He may not be a total complete Christian, but he is working on it. The great thing about that is is that he will help me with my walk with the Lord, but in the same great way I will also be helping him.

Well. SO MANY THINGS HAVE HAPPEND! since the last time ive been on here...that boy i was talkin to last..we dated..he was more than just a normal boy && i figured that out not in a well way. im not even too sure what happend still to this day..the middle of summer happend. he found a hotter girl..who didnt want him like i wanted him. but thats his mistake. in a way i felt like i made some BIG mistakes with him..i didnt know how to handle this 19 year old male who wants sex all the time. but i remember that night hanging out with him ..when he cut it off between us, as in dating. he tried to be so casual with it but i knew what that ass was going for. "this is our last night together so lets fuck" thats not the way he said it but thats how i heard it. but after him..i tried to be more cautious but theres been a few boys ive made out with..thats it..since him. he was my last serious deal. i need another one. its been too long && im not one to usually say that. but all these boys that i made out with...were for the wrong reason. i was using them for money, weed, drugs, alcohol...ya know the deal. i hooked up with 2 dealers..&& i got the deal...but wouldnt ever want a relationship with them. my mom would kill me if she found out i was datin the 20 year old mexican mafia dealer...the other one being 22...the 20 year old was sweet though...&& i might've but it wouldve been something on the low. my sisters couldnt even know. but then he disappeared the lene tex && like other mexican mafia drug dealers..they had warrants out the ass && couldnt get caught, so he said he was going out of town && he would be back but he never was. i would get random phone calls from him && we would talk forever..id let him know everything goin down in town..the business && what not.

but im falling apart...gaining weight which doesnt make sense..i guess because im not in sports anymore. i wanna live those days we were living last year at this time. i cant take this reminiscing anymore! it drives me nuts. i dont even party that much anymore..if u call sitting at your house drinkin with a few folks partyin then i am but thats not what i consider partying in my eyes. ive become a drug dealer in most peoples eyes. just get that little quick && make money && smoke for free. i feel as if school is going down drain too..but the grades dont show it. im making it. attendance shows it though..i cant help it! ugh! i cant write about my life anymore.

So I should probably start from the beginning huh? I was born in a little hick town called Black River Falls, WI. My parents got married in November of 1987 (I was born in December) and thier divorce became final in March of 1988. Personally I find it pathetic that thier marriage didnt even last six months, but whatever, they got along for the most part while I was growing up. My mom met a guy, and started dating him and got pregnant with my sister. "The guy" then ran out on my mom and has never seen or spoken to Autumn. My mom then met my step father Phillip. They got married in 1994, but were together way before that. He was a great dad up until I turned 16 (which I will get into). With Phillip my mom had two boys, Jarrett, and Jeremy. I love em, they are wonderful. We grew up in Taylor (about 15 miles from Black River Falls) and for the most part we had a wonderful life.

When I was three, I was sexually abused by my grandfather, he went to prision for that. I dont really remember much about it, I supressed the memories, all I remember is telling my grandma what had happened. And I remember bits and pieces of therapy.

At the age of 16, I had to have a lump removed from my breast. The day I came home from the hospital, my stap dad started to sexually abuse me, it started out fondling and then turned into a daily rape session. Every morning that is how he would wake me. It was horrible, I told my mom, and she promised it would stop, but she didnt leave him. She stayed. It didnt stop, and I told her it was still happening, she PROMISED that it would stop. It didnt, in August of that year my grandmother died. I had gone to her house every weekend to escape what was going on, and then after she died I had no where I could go. I took her death pretty hard. We were close. On Christmas day of that year I was on the internet in a Yahoo chat room and I met the man of my dreams. Jeff. We hit it off right away and started dating...online...i called him every day on my way to and from work, i talked to him every night online. He was amazing. I told him my secret, and he set up for me to come to Denver and go to a shelter for Runaways, where no one could force me to go home until I was ready. I took a huge chance and went 1200 miles to meet a man that could have very well chopped me into bits.

A week later, I decided I was ready to come home and press charges on my step dad, Jeff came with me. My mom, at that point didnt want me because she planned on staying with him. Jeff and I moved in with my father. He bought me a car, and life was ok. I started seeing a counsler, and writing in an online diary. My dad read a poem I wrote and said I was suicidal, and him and the counsler started working to either admit me to a mental hospital or put me on meds. I freaked out and ran away again with Jeff, this time taking my car.

Since the car wasnt in my name my father reported it stolen. While living with Jeff I became pregnant and decided I needed to come back to Wisconsin to deal with everything before the baby came. When I came back, I was no longer allowed to see Jeff unless Human Services sceduled a visit. Which was never. I lived with my aunt for a while, who then decided a pregnant teen was too much to handle and she sent me to a foster home. While in the foster home, I graduated high school, and pled guilty to Misd. Theft, and got sentenced to 18 months probation.

In December of 2005 I graduated, turned 18, got discharged from foster care, moved in with Jeff, and had my daughter, Chloe. In May of 2006 we decided to move back in with my dad per his request and help him out with cleaning and what not in lou of rent. In August of 06 I found out I was pregnant again, much to my surprise because I was on birth control. In November of 2006 we had a falling out with my dad and became homeless. We lived in a shelter until the end of January, and then we moved into the Apartment in two rivers. On April 29th I had another beautiful baby girl, Nevaeh Sunshine. In June we moved to Denver Colorado.

There, if you made it this far, Good job!!