theres so many things that i'dd say if i werent afraid
if i werent afraid
theres so many times that i'vve missed my chance to explain
my chance to explain
all of the feelings i have kept
under the rug and table set
�
That's all! This summer had ended, but I can't say, that I'm upset about it. It was maby the best time in my life...but now...more meeting with friends, more work for me
My love...I don't understand anything about him and about me. I's very hard for me? but I can't sat, that I've dissapointed in him.I want to see him,hug and kiss, but...another question:what wants he.
Keri Welsh got married last night.� That was interesting seeing as though it's the first time one of my friends' kids got married.� I saw my good friend as "mother of the bride".� Wasn't it just yesterday that MY mother was "mother of the bride"?� I sat there and waited for Holly's grand stand.� I waited for her to lead all of us to our feet.� As ritual would have it, she stood first to see her baby entering the sanctuary in sparkling white satin, the same type of dress Holly and I had drempt about for years before we took�our own�monumental stride down the aisle.� The bride was beautiful, exhuberant, stunning.� That was me...just yesterday.� That was Holly...just before me.� It was a deep realization for me as I scanned the bridesmaids, their hair, the dresses;� I�am no longer a part of that crowd.� I am someone else now.� That part of my life is over...the part where you wear the uncomfortable, take a loan out for dress that is disposable.� I, however, have put those crumpled things to use in my girls' dress-up box.� I critiqued the bridesmaids' hair knowing they had paid a good sum of money for the updo that no one really noticed except their significant others and matronly women who had once or several times been in the same position.� I thought about how I made my own bridesmaids wear a red taffeta, tea length in the front, long in the back gown that I KNOW they never wore again.� It made me cringe.� But then my thoughts drifted back to Holly.� I watched her smile as the bride giggled when she placed the groom's ring on his�wrong finger.� I watched Holly delicately light Keri's candle.� I think that's an odd ritual seeing as though it represents Holly as the one who gave Keri her light at birth and that act of childbirth is so much more than a simple lighting of a candle.� Only a mother can know what I mean.� I watched Holly as she watched the scene unfold before her.� A mother guides, directs, loves, leads, weeps, labours, frets,�teaches for years and years, from the lighting of the candle until the day she dies and here was my friend watching, just watching.� Once an active participant in Keri's life, once the one everyone turned to when dealing with Keri.� And now Holly sits and watches her baby�leave her side and cleave to�a man who will provide and guide and take Keri under his wing.� I couldn't help but think of me and my own babies.� I couldn't help but think about my mother and how she sat and watched.� I spied Holly's mom take an even lesser role in the whole affair.� Yesterday she moved from "mother of the bride" to .......� Is there a title for her?� Her role was one I have yet to relate to.� I am years away from that.� I could see myself through Holly, but not her mother.� And then it hit me.� Soon, very soon, in the blink of an eye, I will move to that role.� Beautifully, though, years of the past feel like they transpired yesterday but the years of the future never feel like they will transpire tomorrow.� I can bask in the delight of believing those years are actual years away.� And I am reminded of my role, my current role where I am still guiding, directing, loving, leading, weeping, labouring, fretting and teaching.� I am reminded that my role is no�easy task.� I am reminded of the work set before me.� I am reminded that what I do and have done will one day�be represented by the simple lighting of a candle but by no means can that small act even begin to signify all that has transpired.
What I regret ab last yr is the problems that my fiance and I had last year.. and the falling out that we had to go through to get back together..but it was all worth it,, we were only bf and gfs at the time and we got back together and now were ingaged ans we have a 1yr old little boy now too...
What im going to do this year , is to make sure it will never happen again .. Im going to school to get a good job to get a great� to help support my family and my son so we can have a great future!
Dear Journal,
I am so sorry! i havent wrote in a long time�i guess after Disney i was focused on the rest of the summer but guess what? School is in like 2 days eeeppp! I mean im so excited yet nervous cause i dont wanna have classes with breanna i'll die! I mean her face makes me wanna throw up! But otherwise that im good lol uhmm.. i got my schdule but it only showed like 5 classes so my mom classed and they bitched so they didnt send it yet so theres a good chance i have to get it tomorrow at the school which sucks balls. I was talking to josh again a few hours ago and he showed me pics of when he was at work he looked like�a 50 year old dude.. I was like umm g2g peace ttyl! But i feel really bad for doing that but i dont know he still likes me after 3 years im like dude leave me the fuck alone. I went to jessicas for like 2 and a half hours which was kinda fun we were telling each other really embarrassing� moments in school and we had a fun time we laughed about it and almost peed in our pants
Yeah.. so tonight is my last night to sleep late so im gonna try to like make the best of it. Im dyeing my hair black tomorrow i cant wait oh my gaa!!! lol dont ask today i said oh my ga and i cant stop [sorry random moment]. I remembered how i used to play cartoonetwork with bre and we would play for hours and hours till it was like 5 in the morningg but im gonna play a game so peacee!
�xo xo BR!ANABAMM
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