What's wrong with me? Why can't I�stop thinking of him... not to sound like I'm obsessed or anything like that, but the thought of him always crosses my mind. If you see me with a smile on my face, it's usually him. If I look upset it may be him too.
It seems to me like he is playing mind games though. That's the biggest thing I�am having issues with right now I�think... I�don't want to let him suck me in and then hurt me real bad at the end.
I have two kids. I�need to put them first, always think of them first. That's where this gets hard. My kids haven't seen their dad since the beginning of January when he left. I�just found out tonight they won't be seeing him until MAYBE�the end of Setember...�MAYBE. My son is 3. My daughter is a year and a half. My son understands daddy is working on planes. That's what he wanted my son to think. He doesn't even talk about his daddy anymore. I�told this guy (let's call him D), so I�told D that I�didn't want my kids involved. Obviously. Especially after finding out that he had a gf. I�knew I'd end up hurting and didn't want to put my kids through that as well. Well on mother's day he decided to take us out for ice cream and to the park. He's been here a bit, the kids have seen him, he's taken us out for a picnic and to play soccer, we've gone out together with the kids... they know him. My son is always so happy to see him, I�think my girl is too, but she doesn't talk yet so it's hard to truly understand, but it does seem like it.
I�didn't want this. I don't want them to hurt, and I�definitely don't want D to feel like he has to be a part of their lives, or a part of mine to avoid hurting the kids. I�never wanted to push my kids on him, I�definitely don't ever intend on doing that. I�don't want D�to think I'm looking for a daddy for my kids. I'm not, they have one. Not a very good one, but they don't need him anymore than I�do. My kids are loved by everyone around them. My dad and bro are a big part of their lives. They definitely have that male connection in their lives. Not the same as a dad, I�understand that. But I'm sure they will understand when they are older. Now don't get me wrong... I am not keeping my kids away from their father... I'd never do that unless it was best for their safety. Their dad is two provinces over. There's no way he can see them every weekend. He's at bootcamp. I�wish he would call more to check on the kids though. He never calls. If it was me I'd be calling everyday. I�don't understand it. My son called him tonight for father's day. It surprised him, but I'm not sure if he wanted it. The guy's a real ass.
Anyways, the way he is around my kids amazes me. He is so good with them, and shows dicipline with them too... I'm truly amazed with him. Can he be too good to be true?
I�feel like I'm on a rollercoaster of emotions when I�think of him. So many questions, so many feelings. When will this end?�How will this end?�Should I�be trying harder?�Am I�trying too hard? Do I�need to show more affection?�Am I�showing too much? Should I�call him or text him or just leave it how it is?�(right now he calls me and texts me. I�will text him the odd time, and I�called him the other day cause he asked me to). I�obviously don't call when he's with her.
GRR!�The thing that is driving me up the wall right now is those stupid pictures!!!�I�shouldn't have looked at them. I�know that. I�was wrong to do so and feel terrible. But at the same time, it answered alot of questions. But then opened up a whole new set. A�new type of confusion has now set in.�He has told me that he tried to break up with her but it didn't go well. (and no I�will not go into detail on that, sorry, not my place to do so). He recently told me he wasn't sure how much longer he'd be with this girl. BUT�then those pictures!�He looks so happy with her. There's no way he'd ever even think of breaking up with her, is there? And she's so pretty too. Which I�know looks aren't everything, blah blah blah, but still... he looked SO�happy. I�don't think I�could ever make him that happy. Seriously what am I�thinking?�Should I�just try to shut out all these feelings I�have for him and try to ignore how I�feel?�I�don't think I�should be showing any emotion for him right now, he loves her, it's so obvious. I don't want to ruin that. I�think maybe I�do need to let go...
But then I�keep thinking what if? What if what he has said is true?�What if he truly does have some feelings for me? What if there is a possibility of him and I�being together and I�throw it all out the window because of my stupid insecurities? Then what?
Anyone can make a baby, it takes a man to be a father are rather harsh words to use
when the man is but a boy, with no lesson of how to be a father because his own father was never a father to him.�
We can only hope the boy finds a mentor who'll teach him the ways of life, of how to treat people with respect, courtesy, and understanding that we're not all the same outside, but inside we're all human beings - act like one who has a brain and your sons and daughters love will be your reward, until the day you die, and then some.
Justin is my 4 year old son.� I am starting this journal to record the cute, silly, and sometimes amazing wisdom that comes out of an "old soul" of a boy.� The other day, Justin says on the way home from his preschool. "You know, everyone wants to be my friend, the ones who are older than me, the smaller one, and even the one who are same age as me...I�have too many friends."� At home he says, "I�try to be nice to everyone...I do it by always thinking that 'I am good'."� When I asked him who told him this, he says, "my truck friends who live in the sky."� He says that his truck friends are God's helpers and that they can talk directly to God...Justin is not very assertive, but is trying...when I�reminded him how shy he was in the beginning, he says, "I am too assertive now and when people are too assertive, they cannot remember when they were not assertive..."
You know, it seems like if someone cared about you as much as my ex SAYS he does, they would tell you if you did something wrong. But they're all cowards and can't face whatever the fucking problem is...
thank god. i swear, i think i would die if it wasn't for the fact that we only have 5 more days to wake up. i can handle that. :). one more day to wake up this week and i am completely okay with that.
well, i guess i'm currently married to my crush, and he's spreading that around :) haha. whatever. i really hate that i like him, because he's GAY!!!! wtf? how do i fall for a GAY guy? i dont understand it... i guess maybe it's because he's become one of my closest guy friends... man, i like him, and i'm going to try the trick that mrs. miller taught us about the pupils, i'm wondering if he'll use it on me, because he knows that i like him... :)
well, i'm gonna go, i'm hanging out with emmah and allen.
Peace. :D
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