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quit my job and start my journey in discovering life as a freelance interpreter, aide-worker and missionary worker. alas i have bills to pay now. life.

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I just got my new desktop today. Just slightly more than a week ago, I was telling a few of my friends how much I wanted to have one because I wanna play MMO. Someone asked me if I wanna play MMO it's because I'm lonely.

Actually, not at all. I have plenty of things that I like to do to keep me busy. I just would like to try something new. That's all.

I started gaming once it's all set up and ready. I had fun and along the way I think I did quite a few things that made other players roled their eyes. (haha...)

However, there's something that's bothering me. -.-

Have your parents ever gave you that lecture about how TV kills your brain cells? Yeah I know how you feel mine to! Well i think that they have nothing better to do than keep telling us that over and over and over and over again!Doesn't it get on your knerves? Mine too! Well maybe they should just get a life instead of messing with ours. I know sometimes(most of the time)they are just trying to help, but maybe they should just give it a rest. Well i g2g ttyl!!!

yours truely,

SissyB94

I've resisted the idea of journaling for quite awhile now. I've resisted the advice of two therapists and many self-help books, all of which have urged me to journal. However,the idea of journaling hasalways been intimidating to me. There's something so permanent about puttingmy thoughts down on paper. Laying everything out in black and white for examination. It seems so much safer,to keep the thoughts swimming through my brain. I suppose, it saves me from having toaccept the truths about my life that I'd much rather ignore.

Like everyone, there are things about myself that make me unhappy. I suppose I've been operatingby the saying "ignorance is bliss"...but it isn't. It isn't blissful, because I'm not truly ignorant of my own faults and shortcomings. They are always there...just inside my peripheral vision...nagging me...eating away at the world that I try to create for myself, within myself.

This isn't easy for me. The process of unravelingmy life to examine who I am and how I became this person. But it is a necessary process for me at this point, because I'm not happy with this person. I feeldiscontent. I'm uneasy. Uncomfortable. Unsatisfied.

I think all of these feelings are necessary to precipitate change, so instead of trying to bury them deep, deep inside of me, as I have in the past, I'm going to try to let them surface. Explore them. Follow them to their core. I imagine the process to be similar to peeling an onion; not only in the fact that there will be many layers to peel away, but that the process will likely bring tears.

I know that I have buried much sadness inside my body. I think there are many reasons for the sadness. Many of those reasons have been too painful for me to acknowledge or cope with in a healthy way.

I sometimes feel the sadness start to well up inside of me. At first the feeling is small and begins deep within my chest, but grows with a force that causes me to panic. I feel that I will get lost in the sadness if I allow it to fully surface...that I will drowned in it. So, I use all of my strength to push it back down and lock it away, not sure of where it dwells in the deep, dark crevasses ofmy body,when it lays dormant, waiting for its next opportunity to charge the gates that I have erected to protect myself. But it senses my weakness...my exhaustion...my confusion.

I don't want to spend my life fighting against the sadness, but I'm unsure of how to let it flow through me without destroying me. Can I experience the sadness in a way that will allow me to come out the other side whole? Can I not only survive the experience, but use it to gain strength?

These are questions to which I have no answers. But, I will find them...in time. This will serve as my reminder when I feel that I have made no progress. I will come back to this, my first journal entry, to retrace my steps and find my path again.

I love this time of year! This year I was actually able to buy a tree and some ornaments. Last year I was too poor! As of Friday I will be free for a couple of weeks and I'm really looking forward to relaxing and soaking up the christmas atmosphere.

There are so many things I love about christmas: the snow (if we get any), snuggling up by the fire, sharing a good cup of coffee, tea, hot chocolate with a friend or family member, giving gifts and seeing people enjoy them, being with people you don't get to see on a regualr basis....

I want to hear what other peoples favourote things are about christmas and what your favourite christmas stories are.

Merry Christmas!

Purpletulip

Firstly, can I just say a very big Thank You to everybody that left a comment or email message for me. I almost keeled over when I saw how many I had. For one horrible moment I thought, while under the Influence, I had struck up some kind of deal with guido trying to make it big, in my bid for fame and success! lol. Alas, that was not the case, considering I stumbled on guido's page by pure accident, I was just lucky enough to be on the right page at the right time! lol and boy! am I glad I did!. There will be a rather large glass of either Brandy and Lemonade or Bacardi and Diet Coke raised in the air towards you all on Christmas morning lol.

Decided to miss the usual Christmas Tipple last year until way after dinner! Hmmmm. What a silly move! lol. I was too stuffed and exhausted to lift the glass let alone attempt to compete in the usual Christmas day extremely competitive games,quizzes and sing-a-longs! For there only being 3 of us, It's amazing how much noise we can muster up! lol Bet the neighbours loved the peace last year! Well this year, It will be back to normal! lol. Dinner will be on the table for no later than 2pm. I will just make sure my glass comes with me when I have my usual bath in the morning along with choccies and bath goodies. Awww. I think I just got a twinge of excitement.

For some reason, It hasn't felt very Christmassy this year. I don't know If anyone else has noticed this? or Is It maybe just me? What I do know though, Is how absolutely freezing It Is!. I took ages to heat up last night. I was wrapped up In 4 layers aswell and still couldn't get warm. Can't believe that earlier today, I agreed to have a test run for our Christmas Dinner..... lol bought a huge stuffed Pork Roast, Roast Tatties, Carrots and yorkshire puddings! Tasted amazing on Sunday!! lol Now, can you all tell we love our food here? lol.

I have the cheek to grumble about being a lot heavier than usual! Well, Hmmm, I wonder why! lol. Och, If the truth be known, This Is the one time of year that everyone should be having big hot meals and be all cosied up with the fire on doing something they love! Ooeer! within reason of course! lol Must go just now and refill my cup of tea and check the oven. Back Soon. xx