It's been a little but since the last that I've written. Life is a lot easier right now. I guess that Christy and I are back together for now. I know that it's the wrong thing for me to still be with her, but I am so addicted to her. And yes a little in love too.
She wants to keep sleeping with other people, but be with me. That's going to be hard to get used too. I am always wondering who she is with when I am not around. It's not as bad as not being with her, but it's still pretty hard.
It's only a matter of time before she leaves again, so I had better have fun while I can.
Choice of -gram cracker crust
store bought, homemade, whatever
1/2 c whipping cream
1- 8oz pkg cream cheese
1/2c sugar
2T dark rum or orange juice
1T vanilla
1/4 tsp almont extract
~combine and mix until smooth
pour into crust, chill 3-4 hrs
***********************************************
2 medium peaches, nectarines or any stone fruit thinly sliced
2T lemon juice
1/2c fresh rasperries, blueberries or any other small round berry
1/4c favorite preserves+2 T honey
Arrange sliced fruit on top of chilled cream filling.
Decorate with berries and drizzle mixed preserves on top of everything.
well i know most people have moved alot even schools well i havent but� when i changed schools i hadnt had any friends i had to try and show my real self and even then no� one was my friend i did a whole term without friends suport i even got bullied under the teachers nose but i didnt cry as soon as i got� home because i learned i didnt need friends to be happy i mean i had all of my family friends and at the end of the day i would just tell them how i was so tired of being a reject i� never told my perants they thought i had friends but i didnt. in term 2 i finally got a friend but she turned out to be a person who just wanted to look good finally she made�new friends and said she was just useing me but thats when i thought just to give up. in the middle of term 2 a new girl came and we became bestest of friends� and now that this year has come i changed classes and made a whole bunch of new friends and i learnt to be tought the hard way.� so let me tell everyone who dosent have friends and no one wants to be their friends never give up
good� night to very one
WELL THE DAY STARTED AND I WAS CHECKING MY MAIL, WHEN I CHECKED MY MYSPACE I HAD A MESSAGE FROM AN OLD FRIEND, WHICH HAPPENS TO BE A GIRL, AND HAPPENS TO BE A GIRL I AM STILL MADLY IN LOVE WITH, BUT I AM ALSO IN LOVE WITH MY FIANCE AND HER SON WHAT DO I DO I LVOE MY FIANCE AND CANT LOOSE HER BUT THEN THERE IS THIS OTHER GIRL WHO I STILL AM IN LOVE WITH, IM SO CONFUSED ITS NOT FUNNY, GOD DO I NEED HELP. HOW DO I MAKE THE RIGHT CHOICE, I KNOW THAT EITHER ONE WOULD LOVE TO HAVE ME FOREVER BUT I JUST DONT KNOW WHAT I AM DOING ANYMORE, HAS ANYONE EVER HAD THIS MOMENT IN THERE LIFE WERE YOU WAKE UP AND REALIZE THAT YOU ARE STILL IN LOVE WITH A FORMER GF, GOD IF THIS HAPPENS ALL THE TIME HOW DO WE HANDLE IT AND OF COURSE SHE DOESNT KNOW SHE NEVER HAS SO I GUESS I COULD JUST LEAVE IT ALON AND GO ON MY WAY BUT THEN THERE ARE THE WHAT IFS, I DONT WANT TO GET MARRIED THEN ALWAYS WONDER WHAT IF, BUT I CANT LOOSE THIS WONDER FUL PERSON AND HER SON WITHER, I CER RUMBA SO LOST IN THIS THING THAT WE CALL LOVE AND SO NEED SOME PROFESINAL HELP.
I got alot that I need to express, hopefully this is the beginning.� Sometimes when I bottle up innocent emotions they eventually turn into rage.� If not rage then stress, I feel the stress right now and its becoming over-whelming.� I think back to when I was 18, that was the most stress free time of my life.� I try to attribute what made my life so stress free at that time.� Cetainly it wasnt because of lack of problems, was it because I could release my stress out by smoking pot? �� Maybe, cuz now Im not "allowed" to smoke pot, if I do then the wife will leave me.� I have secretly gotten high, a few times, and I get so paranoid about getting caught by her that I dont enjoy it.� So, I just avoid it altogether.� I cant believe I gave that up for her.
Ive given alot up for her.� I have sacrificed friends, money, time...lots and lots of time.� Then she cheats on me.� I only found out in January, I still think about it everyday and wonder if I made the right decision to stay with her.� I think she guilted me into it.� I was never unfaithful, but she said that I was miserable to be around because I hated my job so much, she siad it made me a person she didnt want to be around so she started looking for that spark in other men.� the funny thing is, she doesnt admit to sleeping with the one guy that I found out about.� She claims that she only talked to him and that she cheated on me before we were married due to having cold feet.� But the guy i found out about, I actually called him.� He says that they slept together after we were married.� I asked why he would say such a thing, what motive would he have to lie to me, what would he gain out of it?� I cant think of anything, maybe if he werent married then I could see him lying to me so that the two of them could be together but thats not the case.� When I confronted her about it, she was gonna leave me.� I had to beg her to stay... go figutre that one out.� She cheats, then I beg her to stay.� Im basically giving her a license to kill.
Why did I stay with her?� Love, I guess.� i felt that i somehow was the cause of this.� that it was my fault she cheated, I still fell like Im the one to blame.� I know Im afraid to be alone.� I cant imagine dating again, especially now that im balding, over-weight, going grey, lost some of my teeth... at least when I was a teenager I was just over-weight.� At the time that was difficult enough, but looking back on it now, it doesnt seem so bad.� Im 27 years old and I look and feel like Im 70.� I fucking hope I live a very short life cuz I am not happy with it, and Im too chicken shit to kill myself.
What do I hope to achieve from this journal?� Some stress relief, get some things off my chest, that might help me to cope with day to day life.� I have alot of baggage, I have done some really shitty things and I have had alot fo shitty things happen to me.� they have been bottled up inside forever and they are eating me up inside, so I guess its time for a release, otherwise I know I will self-destruct.� For now though, the thing that haunts me daily is my marriage, until i can get past that i wont be able to explore the past.� Hopefully this helped me a bit.� Maybeone day i will get fed up and finally do something that makes ME happy for a change, rather than putting everyone ahead of myself.
You would think everyday of someones life has some kind of order. Some kind of organization, and usually mine does. But lately I have realized that living a life of routines and constant organization isnt always good. I need to break free and leave the old me behind. Im tired of being compared to as perfect girl who doesn't do anything adventureous and who is just so predictable and ordinary. Ordinary is not the word I want to be labeled as. So many things in my life have come to me by suprise and I see others that carry randomness and uniqueness within them. But now its time for me to go at the world in a whole new perspective, its my turn to suprise others and myself. Show that I can be more than what i portray. Sooner or later, I will be noticed and seen as that girl that everyone wants to know how she got where she is now. I want to be, I can be, and I will be unique(:
Add comment
XxveryhappymaggotxX 32, Female, Louisiana, USA - First entry!