Hello my name is Polina and i guess i decided to folloe throught this thing two years later hahaha i love that every time i check my email there would be new messages every day replying back to my little journall and at first i ignored them but then i started to read the responses and they actually were pretty amazing i almost thought it was a computer writing them! i hope not� at least! Well from 2005 alot has happened i matured alot and i think i actually found my self alot of people tell me i am way to mature for my age but barerly thew people actually know my age since i was born in europe i dont like the states very much they say its a free country but i think its anything but free basically all my friends in europe dont have curfews drinking limits or ids and they are all perfrctly fine and here in the states my friends have all that and they very drunk and stuoid all the time i guess its called a sense of rebelleiust liosm and i used to be like that and i actually changed at a very young age where most people start! and i am very proud of my self!Lets�go back acouple of years when i first posted thid thing i was all about fitting in being popular and shit like that and guess what its not the best thing for you my fresh men year i hated so i transfered into independant studies and out� of nowhere i got all these friends that people in my grade looked up to and they all wanted to be my friends and guess what the people that i used to be wanting to be friends with so bad dint even matter any� more i just loved the friends that i had at the moment but more than half of them became back stabbers all the sudden i realized what it was like to have alot of friends in the states and it was not a good experience!
People are just soo jealouse and i always had to step down let my girl friends have the guy� so there wont be any tention! Now my best friends name is steven and i love to hang� out with him i guess i became thats oc party girl but im more that just that and sometime my friends wonder why i hang out with steven and honestly its because i am sooo sick of o.c�califronia i love right by the beach a block away i have all the friends i ever wanted i get invited to alot of parties and now i barerly go to any of them orange county is fake most of my friends are fake i want to go back to europe i can not stand haning aroung people my age they are wayy to immature and i cant satnd going to stupid parties where every one lives of denial of the future and just parties and does drugs maybe thats why i have a fake or maybe its because where i was born and i thought my self at a very young age how to be responsible
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It's been a little but since the last that I've written. Life is a lot easier right now. I guess that Christy and I are back together for now. I know that it's the wrong thing for me to still be with her, but I am so addicted to her. And yes a little in love too.
She wants to keep sleeping with other people, but be with me. That's going to be hard to get used too. I am always wondering who she is with when I am not around. It's not as bad as not being with her, but it's still pretty hard.
It's only a matter of time before she leaves again, so I had better have fun while I can.
Choice of -gram cracker crust
store bought, homemade, whatever
1/2 c whipping cream
1- 8oz pkg cream cheese
1/2c sugar
2T dark rum or orange juice
1T vanilla
1/4 tsp almont extract
~combine and mix until smooth
pour into crust, chill 3-4 hrs
***********************************************
2 medium peaches, nectarines or any stone fruit thinly sliced
2T lemon juice
1/2c fresh rasperries, blueberries or any other small round berry
1/4c favorite preserves+2 T honey
Arrange sliced fruit on top of chilled cream filling.
Decorate with berries and drizzle mixed preserves on top of everything.
well i know most people have moved alot even schools well i havent but� when i changed schools i hadnt had any friends i had to try and show my real self and even then no� one was my friend i did a whole term without friends suport i even got bullied under the teachers nose but i didnt cry as soon as i got� home because i learned i didnt need friends to be happy i mean i had all of my family friends and at the end of the day i would just tell them how i was so tired of being a reject i� never told my perants they thought i had friends but i didnt. in term 2 i finally got a friend but she turned out to be a person who just wanted to look good finally she made�new friends and said she was just useing me but thats when i thought just to give up. in the middle of term 2 a new girl came and we became bestest of friends� and now that this year has come i changed classes and made a whole bunch of new friends and i learnt to be tought the hard way.� so let me tell everyone who dosent have friends and no one wants to be their friends never give up
good� night to very one
WELL THE DAY STARTED AND I WAS CHECKING MY MAIL, WHEN I CHECKED MY MYSPACE I HAD A MESSAGE FROM AN OLD FRIEND, WHICH HAPPENS TO BE A GIRL, AND HAPPENS TO BE A GIRL I AM STILL MADLY IN LOVE WITH, BUT I AM ALSO IN LOVE WITH MY FIANCE AND HER SON WHAT DO I DO I LVOE MY FIANCE AND CANT LOOSE HER BUT THEN THERE IS THIS OTHER GIRL WHO I STILL AM IN LOVE WITH, IM SO CONFUSED ITS NOT FUNNY, GOD DO I NEED HELP. HOW DO I MAKE THE RIGHT CHOICE, I KNOW THAT EITHER ONE WOULD LOVE TO HAVE ME FOREVER BUT I JUST DONT KNOW WHAT I AM DOING ANYMORE, HAS ANYONE EVER HAD THIS MOMENT IN THERE LIFE WERE YOU WAKE UP AND REALIZE THAT YOU ARE STILL IN LOVE WITH A FORMER GF, GOD IF THIS HAPPENS ALL THE TIME HOW DO WE HANDLE IT AND OF COURSE SHE DOESNT KNOW SHE NEVER HAS SO I GUESS I COULD JUST LEAVE IT ALON AND GO ON MY WAY BUT THEN THERE ARE THE WHAT IFS, I DONT WANT TO GET MARRIED THEN ALWAYS WONDER WHAT IF, BUT I CANT LOOSE THIS WONDER FUL PERSON AND HER SON WITHER, I CER RUMBA SO LOST IN THIS THING THAT WE CALL LOVE AND SO NEED SOME PROFESINAL HELP.
I got alot that I need to express, hopefully this is the beginning.� Sometimes when I bottle up innocent emotions they eventually turn into rage.� If not rage then stress, I feel the stress right now and its becoming over-whelming.� I think back to when I was 18, that was the most stress free time of my life.� I try to attribute what made my life so stress free at that time.� Cetainly it wasnt because of lack of problems, was it because I could release my stress out by smoking pot? �� Maybe, cuz now Im not "allowed" to smoke pot, if I do then the wife will leave me.� I have secretly gotten high, a few times, and I get so paranoid about getting caught by her that I dont enjoy it.� So, I just avoid it altogether.� I cant believe I gave that up for her.
Ive given alot up for her.� I have sacrificed friends, money, time...lots and lots of time.� Then she cheats on me.� I only found out in January, I still think about it everyday and wonder if I made the right decision to stay with her.� I think she guilted me into it.� I was never unfaithful, but she said that I was miserable to be around because I hated my job so much, she siad it made me a person she didnt want to be around so she started looking for that spark in other men.� the funny thing is, she doesnt admit to sleeping with the one guy that I found out about.� She claims that she only talked to him and that she cheated on me before we were married due to having cold feet.� But the guy i found out about, I actually called him.� He says that they slept together after we were married.� I asked why he would say such a thing, what motive would he have to lie to me, what would he gain out of it?� I cant think of anything, maybe if he werent married then I could see him lying to me so that the two of them could be together but thats not the case.� When I confronted her about it, she was gonna leave me.� I had to beg her to stay... go figutre that one out.� She cheats, then I beg her to stay.� Im basically giving her a license to kill.
Why did I stay with her?� Love, I guess.� i felt that i somehow was the cause of this.� that it was my fault she cheated, I still fell like Im the one to blame.� I know Im afraid to be alone.� I cant imagine dating again, especially now that im balding, over-weight, going grey, lost some of my teeth... at least when I was a teenager I was just over-weight.� At the time that was difficult enough, but looking back on it now, it doesnt seem so bad.� Im 27 years old and I look and feel like Im 70.� I fucking hope I live a very short life cuz I am not happy with it, and Im too chicken shit to kill myself.
What do I hope to achieve from this journal?� Some stress relief, get some things off my chest, that might help me to cope with day to day life.� I have alot of baggage, I have done some really shitty things and I have had alot fo shitty things happen to me.� they have been bottled up inside forever and they are eating me up inside, so I guess its time for a release, otherwise I know I will self-destruct.� For now though, the thing that haunts me daily is my marriage, until i can get past that i wont be able to explore the past.� Hopefully this helped me a bit.� Maybeone day i will get fed up and finally do something that makes ME happy for a change, rather than putting everyone ahead of myself.
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