view member journals

so im still at school and im soooooo bored.!!!!!!! but im happy also. i get to go hang out with my bf. just me and him. FINALLY! we haven't been alone in so long. but oh well. hanging out with bf and friends at the same time is cool and fun. except when they start to embarasse you. :) but i love them. bniacw... haha. bye

I have decided to� share my thoughts.� I was suppose meet up with a friend for dinner tonight.�

The dinner date did not happen because we became upset with one another.� I am single.

I worked 23hrs of overtime last week.� What kind of social life can one have with working so much over time, especially when I am working like that weekly?

I will be back to share my thoughts on another day.� Purchased Dr.Phils "The Ultimate Weight Solution"...purchased it at second hand store...for $2.00

My first book of Dr. Phil McGraw was much much more and I still didnt finish it..I like the self-help�books.� However, knowing about one self is not enough to fixing oneself. Knowing and applying is essential to self-help.� I�need lots of help. Good night.

She is definitely the most wonderful and beautiful woman, and i've spent so much time looking in a direction that was not Hers.� Now, i can see Her for Her.� i saw Her true self continuously for the first time this weekend, i will hold onto that, i will not let it go because of my insecurities about myself.� my insecurities have nothing to do with Her, She is by far more beautiful than i could have ever imagined to be possible.� i will attack Her, say bad things about Her, i will await Her time, when it is right for Her to talk to me, i will be patient, and if that means i must wait a month to speak with Her, even though it will hurt, and i will miss that beautiful smile, and voice, i will wait.� She is truly a gift from Heaven, and i will cherish that gift, and love Her in a way that is condusive to Her, if it's only loving Her as a friend, then that's what it must be.�

Last Monday Mike text me & asked me if I was seeing anyone. I said no & he asked if I would like to do something. I said I would love to. He came over I made dinner, we played w/ Aleea, watched a movie, & we went to bed. We had sex 4 times that night & he seemed to search for me all night to hold me. He smiled & seemed so happy. I even asked before we did everything if we would be ok after & he said no. The next day we briefly texted each other by Thursday he said he didn't think we would work. I asked lets just date & take out time no preasure he said he didn't think it would work but also said he would think about it. Sunday I asked when I picked up AJ if he still felt the same. He said yes. After I got home I called him to talk & said I truelly believe we could make this work. He said he was more compatible w/ Mindy... The woman 3 days earlier he said was 1/2 the woman I am. Maybe I should move back to Rockford & smoke crack & then I will be more compatable. Our family is worth saving to me but not him. I dont know how to let go..,.. I do know I wont let him close to me again. I wont answer any text that remotely talks about us because it is nothing but a head game. I dont deserve that... I wish I had chosen a man that would put his family before anything to have children w/ He says we fought to much & doesn't thinnk it could have changed enough. Why not try? Better yet why the hell do I care. Why can't I move on &�find someone that loves me unconditionally. Does that only exist between parents &�children? Some much goes though my head. I cant sleep... I was finally getting better & told him I was happy. I guess he just couldn't let that be... I can't wait for the day that he comes back & I can look him in the face &�tell him no NEVER AGAIN!

�We listen to their cries of pain,

As we take the enemy's name in vein.

For they too think alike,

And release their rage with a terrible might.

So why a war, this war we fight,

Does peace not shed its golden light?

Instead we give eachother hell,

And along the way, others as well.

This war must end, some way, some how,

It must end not later, but now.

For in the end no one wins,

In the end it's only sins.

So why a war, this war we fight,

Is their no end in my sight?