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How do you ever get threw life knowing u have done alot� of f****ing up!! i have sooo damn much ..like right now i amd trying really hard to stay sobor but i take it out on my man...he has� stuck by me when i was in jail he was all i had!! i didnt have anyone else i didnt feel like i needed anyone else either! but now its just i am not use to life this way its soo hard cause i amd use to drinking and being high and now its like how do you deal with life� when u have done the stuff so so long its like i am a different person its crazy but i am scared i am pushing him away� dont want that i really dont!! someone help me please!!

Theres been alot on my mind as of late, and yet its still hard to type down. get it type? lol that was stupid but I couldnt help my self.. I've become so tired from stressing over school, and guys.�They dont seen to get the msg when I tell the to f-off. Why? cause their tools who think Im easy when really, Im not. They dont realize that I have self respect and am not about to get rid of it either. Guys piss me off so much. Sry if thats offensive to any of you guys. Im starting to belive that they do in fact�think more with their *junk* then their head.�once again sry�lol. And yes I am aware of the fact that not all guys are like this, but a good amount are, and frankly its getting old.�On the upside I think i did a fairley well on my�exams. though I know I most likely wont pass my�Art 2 class do to the fact that my art teacher hates me for some reason which I still have yet to figure out. And know I�have not said anything offensiive or rude to him, just so thats clear. My 16th came and left with well nothing new. I still dont have�a car�cause ,y parents thought "hey lets have her�take driver ed during the�winter!" Really? THERE IS�NO DRIVERS ED DURING THE WINTER!!! sheesh. I of course had explained this to�them and yet they�failed to accept�that for once i was right and�they were wrong. i know that sounds concede and all, but sadly�true.�Well its time to go for know, ttyl

so im still at school and im soooooo bored.!!!!!!! but im happy also. i get to go hang out with my bf. just me and him. FINALLY! we haven't been alone in so long. but oh well. hanging out with bf and friends at the same time is cool and fun. except when they start to embarasse you. :) but i love them. bniacw... haha. bye

I have decided to� share my thoughts.� I was suppose meet up with a friend for dinner tonight.�

The dinner date did not happen because we became upset with one another.� I am single.

I worked 23hrs of overtime last week.� What kind of social life can one have with working so much over time, especially when I am working like that weekly?

I will be back to share my thoughts on another day.� Purchased Dr.Phils "The Ultimate Weight Solution"...purchased it at second hand store...for $2.00

My first book of Dr. Phil McGraw was much much more and I still didnt finish it..I like the self-help�books.� However, knowing about one self is not enough to fixing oneself. Knowing and applying is essential to self-help.� I�need lots of help. Good night.

She is definitely the most wonderful and beautiful woman, and i've spent so much time looking in a direction that was not Hers.� Now, i can see Her for Her.� i saw Her true self continuously for the first time this weekend, i will hold onto that, i will not let it go because of my insecurities about myself.� my insecurities have nothing to do with Her, She is by far more beautiful than i could have ever imagined to be possible.� i will attack Her, say bad things about Her, i will await Her time, when it is right for Her to talk to me, i will be patient, and if that means i must wait a month to speak with Her, even though it will hurt, and i will miss that beautiful smile, and voice, i will wait.� She is truly a gift from Heaven, and i will cherish that gift, and love Her in a way that is condusive to Her, if it's only loving Her as a friend, then that's what it must be.�

Last Monday Mike text me & asked me if I was seeing anyone. I said no & he asked if I would like to do something. I said I would love to. He came over I made dinner, we played w/ Aleea, watched a movie, & we went to bed. We had sex 4 times that night & he seemed to search for me all night to hold me. He smiled & seemed so happy. I even asked before we did everything if we would be ok after & he said no. The next day we briefly texted each other by Thursday he said he didn't think we would work. I asked lets just date & take out time no preasure he said he didn't think it would work but also said he would think about it. Sunday I asked when I picked up AJ if he still felt the same. He said yes. After I got home I called him to talk & said I truelly believe we could make this work. He said he was more compatible w/ Mindy... The woman 3 days earlier he said was 1/2 the woman I am. Maybe I should move back to Rockford & smoke crack & then I will be more compatable. Our family is worth saving to me but not him. I dont know how to let go..,.. I do know I wont let him close to me again. I wont answer any text that remotely talks about us because it is nothing but a head game. I dont deserve that... I wish I had chosen a man that would put his family before anything to have children w/ He says we fought to much & doesn't thinnk it could have changed enough. Why not try? Better yet why the hell do I care. Why can't I move on &�find someone that loves me unconditionally. Does that only exist between parents &�children? Some much goes though my head. I cant sleep... I was finally getting better & told him I was happy. I guess he just couldn't let that be... I can't wait for the day that he comes back & I can look him in the face &�tell him no NEVER AGAIN!