I'm working on it as much as I can but it is difficult.� I think some of it has to do with the medication and then there is just the situation as it is.�
I should have never gone back to the Yahoo boards. The harassment is never ending.� I feel like I have a hole in my heart big enough to drive a truck through.� I should never go back but I can't seem to help myself.
I don't feel like writing much today.� Last night was so difficult I woke up feeling terrible. Just when I think things are better it seems I have a relapse.
I don't feel like doing anything today.� I feel defeated. Robert will be here soon for breakfast and I need to get dressed.�
I can tell it's going to be a full moon.� I'm so exhausted.� I think I will go back to bed and skip breakfast.
Maybe I'll write more later.
Pain, hurt, sorrow, guilt, shame, frustration, rejection, fear, remorse........despair.
Whoever is sending me these, thank you.� I love them.� I really liked this one I received today:
"If you want to build a ship, don’t drum up the men to gather wood, divide the work and give orders. Instead, teach them to yearn for the vast and endless sea." - Antoine de Saint-Exupery
:)
The "vast and edless sea".� I love those words. I suppose I will always yearn for the ocean.� After all......I was born on the coast and learned how to swim in the sea.� it's a part of me that will always be.� My earliest and fondest recollections are of the ocean.
I can't believe I just spent the last hour writing a post and then I lost it. Where is the save feature on here? Oh well...I suppose it wasn't that important but I do want to get back to those times in New Orleans at the gallery and the Hotel Delaposte. :) It's strange how something like how much you love your coffee in the morning can remind you of a time in your life you had almost forgotten. LOL
I'll have to reconstruct it.� Dang it makes me mad when that happens! :(
I was shocked when I found out my account had been hacked.� Silly me.� Wh,en I got the really strange email from Keith that read like one of those you get from Nigeria asking for money I thought it was some kind of joke.� I almost played along with it and was going to make up one of my own and send it back to him.� But then I got his letter of apology and explanation that his computer had been hacked and he had set up new firewalls.� I wrote him back asking him to send me a cashier's check for the two grand I sent him. LOL Kiddingly of course.�
And then WHAM.....it never occurred to me that whoever hacked his computer had my email address.� Well, of course they had it!� They had all his email contacts. That's how I got the weird email from him to begin with.� I wonder how hackers get in?� All these years and I had never even changed my password one time. I guess that was pretty stupid of me. :(� Oh well......I rarely used it anymore anyway.�
I love my little google journal so much.� I miss Yahoo but igoogle is just so cool.� I did post a bit on the love thread at Yahoo today.� No one will read it....but it made me feel good just to be able to post my feelings.� I took a look at t&p and things were pretty much the same.� I am sure I will never post there again.� Being sick broke the addiction.� Finally.
It has been a very long time recovering from being sick and not even realizing how sick I was.� My last two surgeries were very successful and I visit the� doctor today after not having seen him in two weeks.� I missed my appointment yesterday...I don't know why but I thought it was Thursday. In fact I had it entered on my calendar for the 4th, but I was wrong.� But when they called me to re-schedule they were so nice.� It's really a great thing when you have a doctor you really like and really trust and even look forward to seeing.� Everyone in his office is so pleasant.� I know he will be pleased with my progress. �
It has been good to be able to do things again.� I am beginning to feel 'normal' again...whatever that is.� I am sure I have never been really 'normal'. LOL� I have begun to use my computer again.� It's strange how you can miss something so terribly and then after a little while you just kind of forget about it.� I suppose I got back into my 'real world' again.� I am sad about losing my online friends.� But I suppose I really lost them long ago.� I am so grateful that I have Robert and he truly is wonderful to me.� All the things we have been through these last six years (almost) have been worth it.� I can't imagine ever being without him again.� I know now that he truly does love me.� I can hardly wait to see him tonight.� He just brings so much joy into my life with just the simple things.� There is so much that we enjoy together that no one else can understand. We are both nature lovers.� We are both spiritualists and view faith and religion in the same way.� Both of us see God as the whole (all that there is) and, as such, each one of us is a part of God.� Every star, every planet, the sun and the moon, the wind and the rain.....each tree and flower....all creatures....they are all a part of God.� He believes this just as strongly as I do and it gives me such comfort to have someone I can share my spirituality with and who understands how I feel and who feels the same.
More later...time to run some errands now.
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