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After my conversation wtih my gal friends today, I felt so drained, so tired coz they're so negative. Guys, do u know that u have build�a terrible reputation for yourself ? Women find it so hard to trust u! My conversation with gals always revolve around how guys r cheating on their gfs .I feel so disappointed. I mean, certainly there r honest,faithful, really great guys out there right? So why am I not meeting there yet? I know there r guy out there who think the same - that girls r doing a great job on cheating their bfs as well...but for me, I can really guarantee I will stay faithful to my husband as long as I love him. There is no way I will split my heart into 2.

I just think that maybe it's time my gal friends stop telling me how bad guys r or how upset/uncertain they r in their r/s.

God, just really wish, pple can understand me. Being single is OKAY - I'm really starting to believe in this statement. There's nothing wrong if I'm single and virgin at 25.

�I'm really happy with being myself right now, although feeling lonely, just wished there's somebody to hug me and tell me everything's gonna be okay.

We r really just being more than physical beings. Can we ever look beyond this fact?!

Im in a bad because i miss my mom a lot I haventt had time to perpare myself for her going to iraq yet and im not sure how its going to go the day she leaves to go to iraq i know im gonna cry but what can i say i mean come on my moms going to iraq she may not come back i dont wanna put it that way but its true shes going out of country for a year shes going to war anything can happen over there you never know whats gonna happen over there i know i need to tell her that im finnishing school in poyen but im scared that shell get med at me because she has lost 3 of her kids now i dont wanna live with her and ill know shell be really�upset i just dont know what to do or say because i dont want her worring while shes over there shes going to need to be stress free while shes in iraq but if i tell her that means well be getting money from her so well be able to move into our house because shell be giving him money for childsupport and for me but its just so confusing im always stuck in the middle of a problem and dont know how to solve it i hate bein inthe middle of problems because it stress meout big time it always does then all my friends think im mad at them but im just stressed out sometimes i hate my life!!!!!!!

I'm really starting to annoy myself. My mind's always on him. I don't understand it. By now he probabaly, if anything, thinks I'm some creaper. I don't understand why I feel how I could like him oh so much. Is it due to the fact that he reminds me of those in my past? Or could it be just because of his qualitys? I mean hell, how can I even think I like him? I've never had the courage to even say a word to him. Oh gods, I'd love it if I did. Imagine how things might be? Oh gods, this is horrible. I've never regreted anything in my entire life so far. But I think I might be regreting, maybe hating the fact I don't have the guts to talk to him. It makes me feel so inferior. Sad thing is I know that if he'd talk to me first I wouldn't be having any problems with any of this.� I guess this all is the joy of being a teenager, in highschool, of all places. It makes me wish I could fast forward time all the way to at least my twentys. Just throw away my teenage years, please.

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dont yuu ever wish that yuu can change this world around, or yuu can start yuur life again.

i just want to move out of my house to start over, event though i would leave people i love, it would be harder if i was with them. i dont know what to do. should i or shouldnt?

~letters start with "ABC" numberts start with "123" music starts with "do-re-mi" and love starts with "yuu and me"~�� i think i love my best friend

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Bottled up inside

are the words I never said.

the feelings that I hide,

the lines you never read.

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You can see it in my eyes,

read it on my face.

Trapped inside are lies

of the past I can't replace.

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With memories that linger-

won't seem to go away.

Why can't I be happier?

today's a brand new day.

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Yesterday's are over

even though the hurtings not.

Nothing lasts forever,

I must cherish what i've got.

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12/12/09 7pm

Well, today I'm having some emotional struggles up and downs.� I've had moments that my heart jumps and think on how prior to exactly 7 days ago he used to always ask me if I still love him (constantly) and that If I was his, and I'd ask him if he's mine and that if he has eyes for me only or if he's always faithful to me while he's at work, he'd always answer yes and I'd always answer yes too.....� today, we don't care to ask that to each other any more.�

I found out he has been making "social" phone calls to different community hotlines for a while now..... when I first discovered it over 4 months ago he swore up and down that it was a co-worker who he was lending his phone to, yeah right!� I confronted him about a recent activity which happened to be on a day that I was visiting my mom who was sick over at a hospital which was over 1 1/2 hr drive.� When I discovered this he said it was not him, that the phone is acting up, he also did it during a day that we spent at DMV to inspect his vehicle to get it back on the road again.� WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY?WHYYYYYYYYY????????????????? gosh, it hurts soooo much!!!!!!!!!!!!!

He finally admitted it, looked at my crying and swore that nothing bad ever happened, that he never spent a penny on it., and that he won't do it again because he loves me, I believe him.�

I won't lye, I've been checking the phone records, no sign of daring calls like that, but then I wonder if he's using his business phone to do those calls, or maybe even meet someone physically or be with someone physically while he's at work, I worry so much, it's not even funny.� It's very very very hard to trust him again.

Can someone outthere gimme please some encouraging words.� I'm hurting so much, I love this man soooooo much!

Wow, it has been a loooong time since I wrote. I have just been too busy to get on the computer, much less come on here. A lot has happened since the day I got my nose pierced. I broke my ankle 2 weeks ago, but it's almost better now thank goodness. And I also lost my friends. I guess it's just teenage drama but I'll let you know what happened anyway simply for the fact that I need to vent and I can't trust anyone else. I know you won't tell. lol So anyways, my friends have helped me with my stuff the past 2 weeks. Ya know getting around school and everything since I was on crutches and whatnot. So one of my best friends got a new phone. The next day it fell out of her pocket book and broke while she was helping me. Now, apparently, it's my fault. She has practically the whole school hating me and every one is calling me a b**** and saying I'm rude and blah blah blah. I have never gotten so many hate texts in my life! Well, I had an emotional meltdown at school today and I did the unthinkable-I cried. In front of everyone. And not once, but twice. I hate crying in front of people; it makes me feel so weak and vulnerable. Well, now I'm friendless and every one hates me. I didn't even do anything! I mean, I know people who are guilty always say that but I am honestly telling the truth! I. did. nothing. wrong. But, of course everyone blames me, the crippled. I always get blamed for everything! So, like, literally the whole school hates me. Every time I hobble by they whisper about me like I can't even hear them. But oh well. This too shall pass, and karma's a beast. They will soon regret ever giving me up. And if they don't then I didn't really need them to begin with. Right? I don't need them and their drama and their talking about people. I may be a "b****" but at least I'm a nice one. And I really do believe that I'm a good friend. Others might not think that but who cares? I'll eventually find some one who is a true friend; some one who is worth my time and my tears. I regret crying, I really do. I think they were tears of anger. I think I know why the loners at school are...well...loners. It is probably best to be a loner. At least you don't have to put up with anyone's bullcrap. But I am a Libra, a social butterfly. I just have to socialize or I will go insane! I just don't know what to do. I guess I will try to be a loner since no one wants to talk to me. Since I have become a leper. *sigh* Why do things have to crash and burn right when life is starting to get good? But maybe life wasn't getting good then, maybe it's getting good now. Maybe I was supposed to break my ankle so that I would open my eyes and realize (I rhymed heehee) that my "friends" were wearing a big fat mask the whole time. True, it does hurt. A whole year of friendship went right down the toilet, but maybe it's for the best. Like a quote by Publilious Syrus, "A friendship that can end never really began." Maybe our friendship never even began. So, I don't know what's going to happen. I'm gonna just go to school and hold my head held high and act like being hated don't bother me. Now that that little rant is over with I am gonna go read some before bed. Wish me luck and merry Christmas everyone!

Hey journal, My attitude is so bad of course I have cronic enxiety which is not good. But I should not let my enxiety controle my or my image. People out there if you have a problem with attitude or fitts or some kind of problem cool it down by takina walk or eating or even taking a couple of deep breathes. �