Prissy

Being thankful.

I'm not making enough money right now. But in two months I will be empowered with the ability to change that.

Next up I must save enough to be able to get my own place. That's probably possible within the next one-three years.

My goal will be to rent my own place within the next year, which means I need to

SAVE !! SAVE !! SAVE !!

Of course before buying/renting my own place I need to accomplish the goals I set for myself prior to this log.

So let's talk about that for a minute.

Name change - I want to use Grandma's name as my last name. Priscilla Grace. I like the sound of that.SAVE!

Citizenship - I'd like to become an american citizen before re-marriage comes into the picture.

Divorce - I've been procrastinating step 1 for a while now. I need to resign from PALsUSA and talk to... no! I can't talk to jerks and assholes anymore. It's just not in me to deal with them. So .. I'll just email him and take it from there.

I just hate the idea of being legally attached to someone. On second thoughts, it's really only on paper. And once I fax over my resignation to PALs and if Cora still can't help me, I'm going to call another attorney or just go the court clerk like John said. I wish I still didn't believe in marriage, but the fact that I'm in love with a beautiful gentle-giant from Pennsylvania opens the door to making him happy. He's a pretty traditional guy.. I really don't know that he'd be into just living together. But either way I need to get legally divorced from John. So that's it then, this month my goals are - A - SAVE! SAVE! SAVE! B - Study 2020 and get as much product knowledge as possible. C - Scan resignation to PALS and keep working on the divorce. I don't know the outcome of that one, and honestly it worries me now that I've met someone as amazing as Steven Todd Vandrew. But some time is available. I have three years to get my shit together. I have three more years before I can't do it anymore. I have a feeling though that that's not enough time. If Steve likes me that much, he could ask me to marry him before that time. I don't have three years!! Damn it! Oh God! What do I do! I stay strong and hold on. Because if anything I have hope and that's what matters. Hope is better than nothing at all. The dream is better than the present. Look forward, work hard, believe in the system God has created and do my best to believe and hold on. Coming back to the goals.. I can't spend any money on clothes or shoes this month. I need to do things to stay relaxed. I'll need all the strength I can muster up. For starters, I can't hang out with Summer that much anymore. Ryan neither. I will need to hook up or develop relationship with people that feed my faith and add to my strength.. not take from me. I have nothing to give right now. All I have is for Steven and Corrine. I guess I could email Jane. But damn it, there isn't anyone that I can talk to about my pending divorce. Maybe there is.. Let's see, perhaps he's willing to talk to me. For fun I'll salsa, or drink by myself at home. To relax I must go to the beach at least once a week. Once I have some savings I'll pick up some blades and start that in the morning. Until then I can just walk in the mornings or after work by the canal. For entertainment there's dollar movies and tv. For information there's the internet and the library. Ok.

OhmyGod! I'm in a "two-person" relationship.

I have to say it's scarying the shit out of me.

Steve seems so into me. And I'm not used to that.

He's already slipped into couple-mode and I'm torn between love and logic.

Logically we've only known each other two weeks and there really isn't any need to be exclusive. I haven't gone out or seen other people since I met him, and it's damn hard to think I need to keep this up for a while, especially with him being gone on and off for a while.

It's like I'm going back to when I waited for John for a year.

I think going out and hanging with different people definitely made me feel empowered and in control. Plus I didn't have to answer to anyone but myself. Now I'm responsible for someone else's heart and feelings. That's scary as hell.

I almost want him to just drop me like a dead duck. The bad part is that I was saying all this shit to him all evening yesterday about how I'd cope and then how I'd not be able to handle it if I lost him. I think it was a bit much and I ended up apologizing.

He was his perfect nice self. Said it was a two-person relationship and I shouldn't expect to be in control of everything. He's pretty awesome for a 21-yr-old.

K enough of this. Back to work.

Wow! I have a bf!

It feels good, maybe just a tad weird. But I keep smiling, so that's good.

I think I want to spend the night at the beach with Steve tonight.

Either that or we'll stay out late and turn in at my room.

I'm leaning towards the beach.

Ok, so I just have this awesome rush right now.

Work's going good. Steve's meeting me for lunch this afternoon.

Damn it I'm going to miss him when he's gone for any amount of time.

But I'd rather have a good thing now and then than a crappy relationship 24-7.

I'm pretty sure I have a huge crush on him right now.

But the weird thing is I can totally see myself with him for a long time. Maybe even move in with him .. in 3 years.

Ok, I'm definitely spaced out right now.

It's my insecurities again.

I gotta think cheap, inexpensive, doable dates.

For the most part I do ok, and then the "spoiled-brat syndrome" kicks in and I want to spend a crap-load of money to have fun. It's wrong. And that's what gets me all scared and worried. And I can't afford to do that right now.

I've just been pushing so hard, and on my own.

I know it's making me strong. But I really need someone I can lean on.

Steve's perfect. I just can't lean on him like that.

I'm so used to... I can't even put my finger on it.

All I know is it feels like I'm wearing out. Just when I though I was about to ease into a plateau it was pulled out from underneath me. Totally caught offguard.

I stopped saying it's not fair a long time ago. The best I know to do is to press on and push forward. But when does it stop. When can I rest from fighting. When can I lean on strength.. for real!

So what's my idea of strength and rest and all that..

Money? Power? Kinda like dad used to take care of everything. But that would never work. Cause I'd never be able to get into that again. It's just not happening anymore.

I have the mentality of an independent strong individual with no inhibitions and no dependencies. Just one pending divorce. And even that doesn't matter cause I'm not getting married anytime soon.. not for the next couple of years at least.

So I need to be more responsible with my finances. That's the bottom line. Ignorance is not bliss when it comes to finances. I've already borrowed money to move.. Sure I'll get my deposit back. Sure I have the potential to make good commission in two months time. But now's what matters most.

I gotta be responsible with what I got NOW. And I really have to learn my lessons quickly.

It's just my fears that I don't trust. Those knots in my gut. Well really I didn't process what happened with Kaika at all. I thought it was a free for all, and then boom! That was a shocker. But that fact is that I kinda sorta led him on... I do that to everybody. I'm a flirt! I thought he knew that and that he knew better tonot take me seriously. I meanwhenever we went out Ialmost always came back with other guysor left with them or something. I think it was just bad timing and being in the wrong place at the wrong time.

Well wipe that slate clean..

This is a new place

Living in the moment.

Living for tomorrow.

Was reading up on stressbusters today.

It's pretty interesting the way people learn things. It's even more interesting the way children learn things.

I think I learned to be afraid from my Parents.. more so from my Mom.

I can't hate or blame her for this. It just happened I guess. And since I recognise it now that I'm 29 I can fix it and get on the path to overcoming the fears I've developed over time.

For sure I've always wanted attention. Dad spoiled me (even though we were raised middle-class). He hardly ever said no to anything I asked. He was my hero and my provider.

That little phenomenon somehow turned me into an attention-addict. And I think that's probably why I seek approval from my bosses and peers. I could just be afraid to be normal, cause I didn't grow up normal. I was daddy's little princess. That was the most fantastic experience ever. Except we both enjoyed it so much that we never gave P a chance to metamorphosize into an independent woman.

Mom for some reason became competition in all this. I would turn on her every chance I had. And when they argued I'd save the day by taking sides or running away confused and angry. This was later on in my teens.

So being away from home is an achievement in itself.

Being able to take care of my own self is huge.

But there is more....

Ok!

So.. last night I kinda started talking out loud to God on the way home. I asked for help, and said that I had no where else to turn.

Right after that Kaika apologised for been a jerk; Steve's friends referred to me as his girlfriend; later on he said he liked the sound of it; I found a large room for Summer and I to share in Kapahulu, with cheap rent, and month to month lease; this morning Corrine told me Kevin's going to let me have commission in two months. OhmyGod! Did he do that? Is that all it takes.. one teeny prayer...?

I'm a little shocked, and happy, and scared, and ... hopeful.

Steve melts my heart. He's perfect. I really like spending time with him, and when he's back next year we just might look for a place to move into together (for 6 mths). That's if he's allowed to live off base.

I want to laugh, cry and shout out all at the same time. I also want to be quiet and ponder on things.

It's amazing...