lmm27295's Journal

 
    
29
Jan 2007
8:03 AM EDT
   

I am very upset about last night, but I am not going to raise my voice w/ you or get loud and upset and I would appreciate it you can do the same in this conversation. I am going to try to express how I feel to you in the nicest way that I know how and w/o trying to purposely upset you. Please listen to what I have to say just like I listen to you and let you speak your peace. First of all, the other night you expressed to me how when you come to me you want me to be understanding, caring, etc. I did not get that respect from you at all last night, I feel like you set all the rules that I am suppose to follow when you have issues but when it is me w/ the problem, all rules are broken. And no matter what point I try to make to you, I feel like you always try to twist it instead of really listen and trying to understand why I think the way I do. Communication, the things that are said, I understand you have your ways of thinking and that they are not like mine, but it is how you handle it and the words that are said, I am tired of the hurtful things, it is one thing to talk to me about things that frustrate you about me and its another to say the things that were said last night, you have to learn how to control your mouth b/c it is pushing me away from you. It is making me not want to be close to you. You don’t understand the fact of when you say things like you do, they are not forgotten, and I carry them with me You have top realize that we are not alike. We are different in so many ways. We think different, handle things differently, see things differently etc. We have to except that about each other. You don’t always act the way I want you to or say what I want to hear and the same goes with me. Or you say things sometimes that you think are funny but you really have a meaning behind it is where we again, have to set boundaries. There are boundaries that have to be set and have to be respected and not crossed. I have to know that if I call up Chandra and trash talk you to her that I have crossed a boundary and I have to expect that you are going to be upset, so I don’t cross that boundary. Just like w/ me, if you purposely say things to hurt me, then u have crossed a boundary and I am going to upset with you. Trying to express a concern w/ one another is going to have to occur from time to time but just down right be mean to one another is going to drive us apart. With the wedding, I am tired of being threatened. This is how I feel, point blank, if it is said again, that the wedding is called off, then that’s it, I will follow through w/ it and we will not get married, I not going through a roller coaster with this wedding. This event is suppose to be a fun and special time and it is not turning out to be like that. This is something that is very important to me and my family and I have a lot of people that is putting a lot into this for me. We have 5 months left and I don’t want to have to look back at this time with you and think of how miserable it was for me. I don’t want to keep having to harp on the wedding issue. Either it is going to get better or it won’t and if it don’t then we need to call it off b/c we have people that really care about is and this event and they are putting a lot of $ into this. If you don’t want to get married then PLEASE tell me now and I will stop it all! If we don’t think we can live together, than let’s call this off, I am going to tell you right now, I cannot stand a messy house. If this is going to continue to be an issue than something is going to have to change. I don’t ask you to clean toilets, or scrub, the shower or dust. All I ask of you is to pick up after yourself or do a load of clothes or take out the trash or jump in and help if we have guest coming or put your coat in the closet. I want a neat and clean home and if this is a problem for you then like I said, this will never work. I cannot do it all by myself. I have to work to. I cannot constantly pick up behind you. So if that is what you want then I will do it but I will be a stay at home girl. You talk about how you love that I am girly, well this is part of that package. I grew up in a messy, unorganized home 80% of my life there and I WILL NOT have my home looking like that! Trust, Trust is very important, especially considering what is getting ready to happen with us. This issue has really put a damper on that with me. I am not going to lie to you, I did search for it once I realized that there was some on the computer. I understand that you have needs. U are a man and that is understandable. What frustrates me is how you hide things, u may not realize this but it kills your creditability, it makes me question things that you tell me and I hate that. I hate that I have to pull the truth out of you. PLEASE just be up front with me and don’t hide it. It just makes it 10 times worse. When you are in the wrong, just be honest and we can work through it easier. Do you want me to hide stuff from you? It makes me think 10 times more of you if you don’t hide stuff. When I don’t feel like I can trust you, it makes me not want to be close to you. I don’t care what it is, big or small, don’t lie to me, tell me stuff before I have to find about it. I want to be able to find comfort in you and be able to let my hair down with you and I want to feel like I can tell you everything and I want to feel like if I fall or make a mistake, you will be there. I want to be that person for you. I want has to build a bond with you, not a wall. I just want you to know that I love you. I want you to truly love me, to the pt that there is nothing that we would not do for one another and I am not talking about small stuff like you always fixing my drink or me always having to get up and get something for you. I am talking about stuff that really matters. We can be a great couple if we try hard. We have got to stop giving up. I do it to. And we have got to take responsibility for our actions b/c if we deny what we do, then we will never change it and I am not talking about telling one another a problem just to cause a problem to make the other one feel bad. But we have to start admitting what our fought are so we can make them better and help each other with that instead of criticizing them for it. Its funny cause in a lot of ways our situation reminds me of Sonny and Carly as stupid as it sounds. I think we need to figure out a way to help with these problems. I am willing to do anything. I have been unhappy and buy what u said, u have too. #1. I think we need to set a goal for reading the book that I bought. I think we need to read 5 to 10 pgs a week. And we can read the same pgs, prob not together b/c we will not see that much of each other, but we can talk about what we read. This will also help to know that we are both reading them and not just saying that we are. #2. I think that we need to set aside 1 nite a week to go do something together, ex. Bowling, or we can trade off, one time is something you like then next time something I like, We should fit this in every week even if something else has to go. It is important that we start getting closer and trying to build a stronger bond. #3. On Sundays, we can both get a piece of paper and right down one good thing about that week or a praise for the other person and one disturbing thing so that we can learn from it. Do you have any ideas? This stuff may seem stupid but I am trying really hard to keep us from tearing apart.
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1 comment(s) - 11:46 PM - 03/02/2007
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27
Dec 2006
12:55 PM EDT
   

I don’t feel like I can even be around you or you be around me w/ fam, friends, etc. or even discuss things with you b/c no matter what it is, it is always thrown back in my face. When I was hanging out w/ Chandra a lot more it would be stuff dealing with Chandra and now that we are around my fam more, it is issues w/ my fam. It is a pattern. I don’t even want to tell you things that are going on half the time for the fact of how u might use it against me. Like for example, I have been thinking about going back to sch this fall but I didn’t want to tell you b/c if I was to decide not to go how you would treat me over it. I am tired of the money issue being thrown in my face, you were the one hell bent on buying a house when we did, I was fine staying in the apt a little longer and you knew my income situation when we bought the house, I discussed it with you more than once, and I also told you I did not want to buy the house if $ was going to be an issued and you reassured me we would be fine and look where we are at. I don’t hardly shop anymore at all and you still will find anyway you can for there to be some issue, ALWAYS. I need a new pair of shoes for work so bad, the ones that I mostly wear are like 7 yrs old and the other pair that I have, I have had several yrs and they kill my feet but I have not bought any for the fact of the $ and you b***hing about it and saying that I was spending you money. It hurts my feelings to no end that Tyler’s mom can say what ever she wants to, to you and you act like it is no big deal but I say something you don’t like and you go all to hell and treat me like royal crap and say anything you can to hurt my feelings. I don’t care about the excuse “well I don’t have to live w/ her.” It doesn’t make a damn, you should want things to be better w/ me b/c u r living w/ me. Also, she never worked when u 2 were together and u pd the bills but I work full time and sometimes part time and pay my 1/2 of our bills and all you do is give me grief about $???? And as far as the wedding, you have not contributed to the wedding. My parents are paying for my part as well as yours and have not once complained b/c they care about it that much. I cannot even get you to call your father about the tux. I have to tell him. This is important to me. This is my first time. But you act like it kills you to do the PL on ebay to help mom pay for the wedding. And I bring up that I have saved for the honeymoon and you just go ape s**t and bring the bills up again. Ok, I would much rather sit at my computer, in my home, clicking some buttons then have to drive an hr, after working all day, to work a part time job, and then drive an hr home, and get home at 10:30 and have to go straight to bed to get up and do it all over again. I am tired of the way things are. I am tired of them not changing for the better. I am not happy at all. I am tired of the fact that I cannot even get a hug from you w/o you grabbing all over me. I am just not happy anymore. The “I’m sorrys” are not working anymore. They are empty words. It would be different if when it was said things would get better. You say all the time the fighting needs to stop but what is actually being done to make things better. I am tired of blaming myself when it is not all my fault. I am always the one saying “I know I’m not perfect” or ”I know there are things I have got to work on” etc when you never come to me saying those things. You only try to find ways to blame instead of trying to change to make things better. I am not doing it anymore.
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21
Nov 2006
9:20 AM EDT
   

I am soooo ill. I cannot stand everthing around me! I just don't even want to write about it. Sometimes u want to tell people u work w/ to shut-up.
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23
Oct 2006
9:55 AM EDT
   

B and I had a big fight a week ago. I don't feel like going into details, but it was pretty bad. Anyway, things have been great since then. It seems like he has been trying harder. Things have been really good actually. He bought some equipment that he has been working on and is really excited about so that makes me wander if that is why we have not fought lately. B/c he is in a good mood b/c of that. I have a counciling app. set up for tomm b/c we still have problems that need to be worked out. We had T this weekend. It was not that bad. I went and saw C b/c it will prob be the last time I get to see her before the baby comes! There is a lady a work that I am really starting not to like. It is becoming more apparent that she is backstabbing and a brown noser. I really try not to talk to her.
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16
Oct 2006
12:20 PM EDT
   

B and I had a big fight last night when we went to bed. I am really not sure what ticked him off. I tried not to engage in it but he would not shut up. I don't even feel like talking about it......We are not speaking to each other today.
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09
Oct 2006
8:37 AM EDT
   

Well, it was another weekend of me wanting to put a gun to my head. We had T this weekend. Sat. I went wedding shopping with my mom and realized something. My best friend J was engaged onced and she would tell me stories of how when she went wedding shopping she would get sick. She said she would feel sick on her stomach. She felt like the marriage she was getting ready to go through was all wrong and at the end, he left her and they never got married. I realized this weekend I am having those same feelings. I felt so sick on Sat when went to Concord and it did not help any that we got into it when I was trying to WEDDING SHOP. Its not that I don't love him or want to marry him its just that things are so bad that I am so scard to do it. We fight all the time and I am so miserable. We got into on Sat. and he talked to me like total s*** infront of Tyler, over the ph. I was so pissed, but in his eyes he does nothing wrong. Oh, and ofcorse, I was over reacting b/c of my period. He said I'm sorry on Sunday after we went to church and we went and took T home from church he told his "grammie" how he wanted to go to the church again. She said she would take him. I am not going to church with her. The only reason why we went in the first place was so B can look good to his father. We have not went to church in forever, and all of a sudden B's dad has been taken his parents to church so B feels the need to go. Kind of funny he only wants to go when his dad is going, plus it is in A. And one of the reasons we moved to L was to get away from's B's ex and now he wants to go to church w/ them???? Makes no damn sense. On the way home we stopped by to see K and the baby in the hosp. and when we were leaving B asked me if I wanted a baby and I told him no, not right now. I told him we could not afford one right now. He got so pissed telling me it was fine w/ him not to have kids and that he did not ant to put $ into another child. and accused me of not wanting kids which I never said!! I just said not now b/c I am not ready. He told me that there was no reason for us to wait to have s**. Which has nothing to do w/ why we are waiting. He said "why wait, not like there is anything else special." Another reason is why would I want to bring a child into a bad situation. A situation like we are in right now where we cannot even get along. It would be the same thing as R&C. 2 fighting parents. Things have been so bad between us that I don't have those kind of "lovie" feelings anymore. They are gone. I am so hurt and have no clue of what I did wrong. I cannot take this anymore, I am so miserable at work and it is to the pt I hate even getting out of the bed. He doesn't want to try or make things work b/c he would not contuie acting this why. I told him Sat. night that I am not trying anymore, I really feel like giving up.
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09
Oct 2006
12:32 PM EDT
   

B just called and he acted pissed. He got home from work. He asked if I had check my oil yet b/c it seems to be leaking very bad and I told him no that I don't know how and he said yes you do. I told him that I really didn't and he said fine, I will show you. Heaven forbid he help me check it. I am so sick of his s***. going to make me check my own oil. My father changes my oil. My own boyfriend don't and he loves to use the excuse that he doesn't have a place to do it when my parents live 2 miles down the rd w/ a big back yard. Its really kind of funny. So then he brings up that he found were I had written on the foam on the garg. doors months ago. We were out there working on it late one night and I wrote B loves L. I thought it would be sweet and incase we ever move out it would still be there. Well, he calls me a bit ago all pissed b/c I put his name first instead of writing L loves B. I meant nothing by it. I was trying to do something sweet and he just reunied it. I wish I would have never done it now. I regret writing it. How ungrateful can you be. I meant nothing by it. He said "you always wright my name 1st." I just thought I would put his name 1st. It was so harmless. So he got off the ph and did not even tell me that he loved. Oh, I guess that I have committed such a sin that I am going to hell.
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03
Oct 2006
12:39 PM EDT
   

I am so depressed today. I can hear B now "you are so ill when u r on your time." I have tired to act like everything is find when I have talked to him today. I am so sick of not having any $ and having to pinch every penny. I want to go back to sch but I don't know what I want to do. Plus I don't have the motivation to do it. I am so tired of the way I look. I wish I had the $ to get my hair done and go shopping. B called at lunch and said that C had called and told him that T's mom was calling him wanting to go out and get "messed up" and that her and her mother were not getting along. I just wish he would tell C that he did not give a f about her and that she could go ahead and crack her brains out. T has a stable enviroment b/c his grandmother, her mom, takes care of him. I am so frustrated. I wish B would worry more about us than that s***. If I tell him it bothers me he won't tell me what C says even though he prob don't tell me the whole story anyway but he will just get pissed at me. I hate my life so bad somethimes.
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27
Sep 2006
8:44 AM EDT
   

I have not written in about two weeks. I have been really busy at work. Things w/ B are like a rollercoaster. 1 min we are happy then the next min he gets pissed about something and I get the FU, go to H*** treatment. I am so tired of it. We were in Wal Mart last night and he got pissed b/c I was tired and not in a great mood so he chews me out the whole way home. I had went to Wal Mart the night before w/ mom and dad b/c he had went to bed at 7:30 so I really was not in the mood to turn around and go again but I went to make him happy. It turned into a big mess. I wished I would have stayed home. I was tired b/c I had spent ALL evening cleaning the house. From the time I got home till the time we went to Wal Mart. When we got home he throws stuff all over the counter knowing I had just cleaned the house. Things are getting to the point that I would just rather move back to an apt and live by myself. It would be better then getting b**** out everyday cause heaven forbid everything does not go "king B's" way. B/c thats when he acts like you have stole from him are cheated on him. He has major anger issue and he cannot control is mouth. Its prob one of the reasons Adella left him. I don't blame her for not wanting to live like that even though she is a crack head. LOL
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27
Sep 2006
9:47 AM EDT
   

I talked to C on my lunch break and it put me in a worse mood. She was telling me how her and R had their pics made and he paid for them(which is about the first thing he has done during her pregnancy and she is at 8 months). Sometimes I want to smack her for being so stupid. I know she really wanted the pics but it does not make R a father. I could scream at her for putting herself in this situation as well as a life that is helpless. Sometimes I feel like we are in the same boat when it comes to relationship. 1 min. everything is great then the next it blows up in your face. I understand that all couples have problems but ours get taken tho the extreme. Its not about resolving the problem, its about "what is the nasty thing I can say to Lisa." A petty argument every once in a while is one thing but its another when B tries any way he can to degrade me. Ex. "I can't even stand the sound of your voice." And he loves to threaten me w/ moving out. "Well you know what B, if living with your mother in a single wide 2 bedroom trailer, out in the middle of nowhere, on a dirt road that is full of pot holes is better than living at our house well then get out!" This crap w/ him is starting to effect me at work I have noticed. He even uses something as simple as me going to WM w/ my parents against me saying how I am spoiled and they might kiss my a** but he won't when all I did was go to WM w/ my parents and bought a few items. WTF!!! Anyway...The next day after an episode w/ him I am ill, tired, look like hell, want everyone to leave me alone and I cannot seem to focus on my work. And all I want to do after work is to crawl in the bed and sleep.
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12
Sep 2006
9:26 AM EDT
   

Well, I am so sleepy today. I need a nap! I have to work at WH tonight which really sucks! This will be it for a while. I hate having to go up there to work. I have been so busy at work that I have not had time to write. B & I finally made up at the end of last week. It was a fight to began w/ but we finally made it through. We both got things off of our chest that we wanted to say. I broke down crying,as usually, and I hate it when I do that! I hate to cry infrount of him and no matter how hard I try to hold it back, I still do it. He sometimes thinks that I do that to try to get my way, but I really don't. I cannot not help it. Things have been really good since then. We are both trying to not do things that the other one does not like. B has been slack though about helping me around the house but I am trying hard not to complain. Like Sat. I was gone all day dress shopping and working at WH and he was home all day playing video games w/ T & J and nothing was done at the house. It really pissed me off but I just let it go. Anyway... $ is really tight right now which is making things hard for us as well. There are several things coming up like Cs baby shower and Halloween and we are broke and living check to check right now which I hate w/ a passion. I don't know how to get us ahead again and it is so frustrating.
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05
Sep 2006
7:19 AM EDT
   

Well, here we go again.I am in trouble w/ B again. Most of the weekend was really good. We worked on the house all day Sat. He did the outside and I did the inside. C came and stayed w/ us some. Sat. night I gave B a ** and he seemed really happy and things seemed to be ok. Mon., yesterday, he went and played golf w/ my dad and the neighbor. When he got home he was tired and wanted to take a nap so we go in the bedroom and lay down. And it started "Let me f u in the ***, give me a **, let me see your ****s" I thought we were going to snuggle and spend time together but I should have known to not go in there and lay w/ him. Well, I guess it was time for my usually b***h out session b/c he started in on me. "I don't like you, You are not a real woman, You need to make up for all the **s you have not given me, I don't give a f*** about this house, U r lazy,etc...." I tried to stick up for myself but there was just no use. He just kept on and on. He even tried to kick me out of the bedroom. He tried everthing in the book to break me. And the times in the past when I have snapped are all my fault too. So I guess I am suppose to take this, I am not aloud to speak up, I am not aloud to break nor am I aloud to go and talk to a friend. I am suppose to keep this all inside. I have never in my life been talked to this way by another man. BJ would die if he could hear the things that B says to me. We did not speak the rest of the night last night. We have talked a lil this morn but I don't really have anything to say to him. He acts as if I am suppose to be ok. He has this "I don't care attitude" I cannot take this anymore, I am so sick of." I DONT WANT TO BE INTIMATE W/ A GUY WHO THINKS I OWE IT TO HIM! or a guy who shoves it down my throat every min of the day. I am so hurt and disguested w/ the way he acts. It is unbelieveable how a grown man acts. I cannot stand the way I have to live. I have to walk on glass everday. I cannot take it anymore. I want to run and scream so bad. And I HATE having to work like this. He could give a crap less. As long as he gets what he wants. He even went as low as saying "if u really love me, u would do it." That is some dumb line that 1. you would use in high sch or 2. you would hear on an after sch special about teens having sex. It just pisses me off to no end. Its not like he has been w/o for 6 months. It had only been 1.5 days since I did ..... Oh my god, if there was something wrong w/ me and I could not have ***, he would be cheating on me left and right. This also tells me that probably when we first meet and we were not sleeping together yet, he was prob f****** grls left and right and I believe that w/ all my heart. I am so sick of things all I have been doing lately is daydreaming about the way I wished my relationship would have turned out b/c this is what I never wanted for myself. You know what is sad, yesterday while he has playing golf I was downloading wedding songs and was so excited b/c I found some that I really like and look at what happens when he comes home.
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31
Aug 2006
7:21 AM EDT
   

Surprisingly, I had a nice evening yesterday after work. I went home and a bad thunderstorm came up and I love storms so B and I stayed in the garage for a while and watched it. Then when we went inside he curled up on the couch and napped while I cleaned the kitchen and washed clothes. Afterwards, I watched my soap and ate a snack. Then Zoie, B and I went and curled up in the bed. I could not sleep so Zoie and I got up and stayed in the bed and slept through the night. I watched a lil TV and piddle around and then Zoie and I went back to bed. It was so nice. I felt like I had some "ME" time. I got to see B but at the same time got to relax and just have some down time. I hope this evening will be that way again. It is rainy today and today is La's last day here at work.
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30
Aug 2006
7:04 AM EDT
   

I am so ill today. B & I fought last night as usual & went most of the evening not speaking. I am so tired of this same old cycle. It was over him thinking that I don't do enough around the house and us not ..... It was B's idea not to have.... anymore till June 23 and now the issue is that I am not giving him...... Before he always complained that we were not together enough and now that we are not (by his choice), he is mad b/c I am not doing the other. It is always something. I cannot take it anymore. I am not happy at all. Anytime I try to sit down nd talk w/ him he is rude, he gets mad, raises his voice and says mean things to hurt my feelings. I am so tired of feeling like s***. I am suppose to be happy right now about planning a wedding and I really could care less if we get married to him. He always says things about "I don't want to spend the rest of my life w/ you if......." Well, I feel the same d**n way. I don't want to spend the rest of my life w/ a man who only cares about 1 thing and cannot even sit down like a grown-up to have a discussion w/o throwing blankets off the bad or calling me a b***h. I asked him to say "I'm sorry" for the hurtful things that he said. His response: "Not until u say I'm sorry for not giving me a bj" How imature is that! I just want to get in us face and scream "GROW UP" It has gotten to the point that I don't even want to go home after work. When I go home in the evenings, it is no fun at all. I have to put up w/ hearing "Let me f**k in the a** and him grabbing me all evening long! I cannot even lay on the bed for 5 mins to rest w/o him bugging the hell out of me. I have no "ME" time what so ever. I am starting to miss Whall's hrs b/c at least then I had time to myself. I am glad that Barney is attracted to me. It makes me feel important but it is to the extreme. I am to the point now I could care less if I ever had s** again. He has pushed me so far away w/ that area but still blames me for it all. You don't go up to a woman and grad her ***** and say "let me f*** you". And heaven forbid I talk to anyone about our problems. I cannot even talk to the dog! I cannot keep bottling this up. He tells me to only talk to him but when I do I get treated like s**t. I should not have to be with someone that I don't even feel like I can communicate with. He does not understand that I work all day long and when I get home I want to enjoy the evening by relaxation, not by being his personal porn star.
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30
Aug 2006
10:15 AM EDT
   

B called at lunch today and said he was sorry. All I get is an I'm sorry. Not an I'm sorry for treating you like I did, not an I'm sorry for being such an a** and saying things to hurt your feelings. Just an "I'm sorry" The "I'm sorry" is not cutting it w/ me anymore. He does not even say he will make an effort to do better like I always do when he is doing his weekly "b***h lisa out session." It is getting to where I want an explnation for the "I'm sorry." Now, I get to go home after work and put on a show like everything is fine w/ me when truly that is not the way I feel. I am truly pissed off! But I cannot tell him that b/c I don't have the energy for another fight. I would loveeeee to go home, watch my soap, eat a snack, take 2 tylynol, get zoie, and go to bed. That is how I would really like for my evening to go butttttt I will have to go home and put on a show acting like the evening is great and I love being there. If Bareny were to read this, he would just be pissed at me and threaten to leave, for my feelings. He would not try to understand why I feel they way that I do and try to make our relationship better. This would some how be all my fault and he would figure out how to "punish" me like if I was his child. He would never want to understand why I am hurting. I could go on and on about this but it is a waste of time. And to feel this why really "sucks".
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lmm27295's Profile

  • Username: lmm27295
  • Gender / Age: Female, 43
  • Location: USA
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