lmm27295's Journal

Oct 2006
8:37 AM EDT

Well, it was another weekend of me wanting to put a gun to my head. We had T this weekend. Sat. I went wedding shopping with my mom and realized something. My best friend J was engaged onced and she would tell me stories of how when she went wedding shopping she would get sick. She said she would feel sick on her stomach. She felt like the marriage she was getting ready to go through was all wrong and at the end, he left her and they never got married. I realized this weekend I am having those same feelings. I felt so sick on Sat when went to Concord and it did not help any that we got into it when I was trying to WEDDING SHOP. Its not that I don't love him or want to marry him its just that things are so bad that I am so scard to do it. We fight all the time and I am so miserable. We got into on Sat. and he talked to me like total s*** infront of Tyler, over the ph. I was so pissed, but in his eyes he does nothing wrong. Oh, and ofcorse, I was over reacting b/c of my period. He said I'm sorry on Sunday after we went to church and we went and took T home from church he told his "grammie" how he wanted to go to the church again. She said she would take him. I am not going to church with her. The only reason why we went in the first place was so B can look good to his father. We have not went to church in forever, and all of a sudden B's dad has been taken his parents to church so B feels the need to go. Kind of funny he only wants to go when his dad is going, plus it is in A. And one of the reasons we moved to L was to get away from's B's ex and now he wants to go to church w/ them???? Makes no damn sense. On the way home we stopped by to see K and the baby in the hosp. and when we were leaving B asked me if I wanted a baby and I told him no, not right now. I told him we could not afford one right now. He got so pissed telling me it was fine w/ him not to have kids and that he did not ant to put $ into another child. and accused me of not wanting kids which I never said!! I just said not now b/c I am not ready. He told me that there was no reason for us to wait to have s**. Which has nothing to do w/ why we are waiting. He said "why wait, not like there is anything else special." Another reason is why would I want to bring a child into a bad situation. A situation like we are in right now where we cannot even get along. It would be the same thing as R&C. 2 fighting parents. Things have been so bad between us that I don't have those kind of "lovie" feelings anymore. They are gone. I am so hurt and have no clue of what I did wrong. I cannot take this anymore, I am so miserable at work and it is to the pt I hate even getting out of the bed. He doesn't want to try or make things work b/c he would not contuie acting this why. I told him Sat. night that I am not trying anymore, I really feel like giving up.

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Username: lmm27295

Gender / Age: Female, 43

Location: USA